Take Two

Chapter Fifteen #2

Newt leaned in and gently hugged him. “I forgive you anyway.”

Newt was a better person than River. He’d never forgive his father. He wondered if he’d have been able to forgive Phelan if he’d been in Newt’s shoes. Could he have been that generous? He didn’t think so.

River wanted to do something to make this a good day for both Phelan and Newt. Nothing could change the past but they could make another memory, one that Phelan could cling to and one that might comfort Newt.

“Like to…go out in my car?” River asked.

“Out? Can you?” Newt pulled back and looked at his brother.

“Don’t know. But yes. I’d like to go out… I’ve not been out since they brought me here.”

“I’ll go and see.” Newt left the room.

Phelan looked across at River. “You don’t need to wear a mask. You can’t catch anything… I don’t care if you have something I can catch. It’s too late now for me.”

“Not why I wear one.”

“Why then?”

River didn’t know if Phelan would recognise him, but he took off his mask.

Phelan’s eyes widened. “You…look like River Lawson.”

“I am River Lawson.” River put his mask back in place.

“Fucking hell. How do you know Newt?”

“He works for me.”

Newt did more than work for him but that wasn’t River’s story to tell. Not to Newt’s brother. “Where do you want to go?” He was thrilled he managed to get that out so smoothly.

“The sea? I won’t be able to walk far but sitting in the car and looking at the water would be…great…” He breathed heavily. “If that’s not too far to take me.”

Newt came back with a wheelchair. “They said yes and no need to take oxygen with us. To be honest, if they’d said no, we could have made a run for it. Broken you out for the day.”

Phelan smiled. River could see Newt in his smile. Just.

“There’s a coat in the cupboard and my shoes.”

Newt helped his brother get ready and when he tied the laces on Phelan’s trainers, there were tears in Newt’s eyes. River followed as Newt wheeled his brother out of the building and over to the car.

“Oh my God!” Phelan gasped. “A Vantage DB12? We’re going in that?”

“No, in the Lada next to it,” Newt said.

“That’s not a Lada,” Phelan said. “You never could tell one car from another.”

River climbed in the back. There wasn’t much room but he could manage. Newt helped Phelan in, fastened his seat belt and took the wheelchair back. No way would that fit in the boot.

“This is my dream car,” Phelan whispered as Newt sat in the driver’s seat. “I bought one from an old lady whose husband had…left it covered up in a barn.”

“You always wanted one,” Newt said.

“I gave her more than she asked for.” He panted. “Not enough really. It was a delight to work on.”

“Newt said you bought a book…for him.”

“On Astons. Yeah, I did. I wanted it really but our dad would have mocked me… I knew Newt would let me read it.”

“So where are we going?” Newt asked.

“Her…Herne Bay?” River took off his mask. “I don’t need this. Ph…Phelan knows who I am. And if you’re wondering…why I’m not speaking…right…I had an accident.”

“It’s a secret,” Newt said.

“I won’t say anything,” Phelan whispered.

Newt shot River a glance through the mirror. “Okay.” He set the guidance. “Want some music?”

“Yes.” Phelan gave a shaky exhale.

Newt put on the playlist they’d listened to on the way to the wild animal park. He tapped the accelerator and the car growled.

Phelan gasped. “Sounds like a tiger.”

“I went with River to feed a tiger.” Newt headed down the drive.

“You fed a tiger?”

“And stroked it,” River said.

“Bloody hell. Though I’d rather be in a tiger like this… Fantastic car. Four litre V8 engine… 0-62 in 3.6 seconds… A top speed of 202 miles per hour. A real supercar.”

“Not much…room…in the back,” River added.

Newt chuckled.

The three of them listened to the music and chatted on the way to Herne Bay. River was thrilled he managed to contribute to the conversation without sounding too dorkish. Newt didn’t tell Phelan about the fall or what he was doing with him. River wouldn’t have minded if he had.

“You’re a good driver,” Phelan said.

“I had a good teacher.”

Phelan patted Newt’s shoulder.

They parked on the seafront at Herne Bay. It was a windless day and cold, though the sun was out. River wondered if Phelan could manage to walk down to the water. Maybe with help. They sat in the car and stared at the sea. Newt was holding his brother’s hand.

“Want to see if you can walk a little way?” Newt asked.

“I’d like to try.”

They got out of the car and River unfolded himself from the back seat. He had his mask in place before he got out.

“We’ll be either side of you,” Newt said. “Need to hang onto us?”

“Yes.”

The three of them slowly made their way down over the stones. Phelan was breathing heavily and River worried it was too much for him.

“Are you all right? Want to stop?” Newt asked.

“No.”

They kept going until they were close to the water.

Phelan was panting. “We never…came…to the sea…much.”

“No. Dad was too busy. Let’s sit for a bit.” Newt helped Phelan down onto a ridge of shingle. “Tell me if you get cold. You too, River.”

“I like your films… I’ve seen all of them. Liked Charter the best.”

“Thank you.”

“Can’t believe Newt works for you.”

“I’m lucky,” River and Newt spoke at the same time, then smiled at each other.

“Oh look.” Newt picked up something from the stones. “Green sea glass.” He held it to the light.

“Like your eyes,” River said. “Both of you have lovely eyes… I want to find some glass now.”

He pushed to his feet and went down to the edge of the water.

River was thinking more of giving them time on their own rather than looking for sea glass, but he walked along, head down, checking the stones anyway.

He gave a yip of delight as he bent over, only to groan in disappointment. Seaweed. He kept walking.

~~~

Newt knew River was giving them space. He put his arm around Phelan, who felt so thin and frail that the breath caught in his throat.

“You like him,” Phelan whispered.

“Yes.”

“He seems nice.”

“He is.”

“Maybe not just your boss.”

Newt let out a choked laugh.

“But he has a girlfriend, doesn’t he?”

“He does.” Newt wanted to tell Phelan. He might be the only person he could ever tell. “It’s not what it seems.”

“He’s gay? You’re gay?” Phelan whispered.

“You always were quick. You can’t say anything.”

“I won’t. I wondered when you hardly ever talked about girls.”

“Do you care?”

“You know I don’t… I’m not like Sean and Dad. You are what you are. You’re still Newt. The brother I betrayed.”

“Enough of that.”

“So you and River Lawson? Really? Bloody hell, Newt!… It’s like a…film.” Phelan laughed, then coughed.

“He’s not out so you really can’t tell anyone.”

“I promise.” Phelan looked at him. “I won’t let you down again.”

“It won’t last. I can’t…” Newt almost said he wouldn’t be able to go abroad because of his criminal record but he didn’t want to add to the weight on Phelan’s shoulders.

“It might. If he makes you happy then hold on to him.”

“If I can.” Newt wanted to change the subject. “Like something to eat? Can you manage some chips? We could sit in the car.”

“Eat chips in a DB12? Fuck… Are you crazy? … We can sit on a bench.”

River came back and held out his hand. “Three pieces. Two green and one white. It’s addictive.”

“Now I want to find some.” Newt pushed to his feet. “Five minutes and we’ll go and get chips.”

Five minutes for him to pull himself together.

He hadn’t thought that he’d want to forgive Phelan.

He’d sort of said it because he wanted to make Phelan feel better.

But as the words had come from his mouth, something had untwisted inside him, and part of him that was broken felt a little less broken.

Forgiveness meant such a lot to Phelan and it would take so little from Newt, so why not forgive?

What was the point hanging onto bitterness and resentment. That wasn’t going to fix anything.

Phelan cared, but the others didn’t. He didn’t want to forgive his parents or Sean, but Phelan…?

I forgive him. I forgive him. Oh God, I do forgive him.

Newt made sure he’d done crying before he walked back. He’d found several pieces of sea glass. Two of the white pieces had little indents that made them look like hearts. He’d put those in his pocket.

“Any luck?” River asked.

Newt showed him the rest of what he’d gathered.

“They’re like little jewels,” Phelan said.

“Treasure made by the sea.” Newt smiled. “Ready for chips?”

It took both of them to heave Phelan to his feet, but that was more to do with him being unsteady on the shingle. When Phelan began to stumble as they headed back up the beach, Newt stopped.

“Let me carry you. You can get on my back.”

That Phelan didn’t protest showed Newt how tired he was. He bent in front of his brother and River helped Phelan to climb on. He weighed nothing.

“I love you,” Phelan whispered in his ear. “I know you must hate me. But please let me love you.”

“I could never hate you.”

“I can’t believe you forgive me.”

“Believe it. I do. There’s no point staying angry about something I can’t change. I was upset and hurt but I see no benefit in staying that way.”

“I tried to speak out when the man had the heart attack and died. But the lawyer said…we’d all end up in prison for perjury… And Lily was still pregnant at that point. But it was a terrible thing to do and I’ve not found happiness since… And it’s too late now.”

“It’s not too late,” Newt said. “I’m here with you.”

He could feel and hear Phelan crying.

Newt bent to let his brother down when they’d reached the promenade. River steadied him and they helped him over to a shelter with a bench seat.

“This is a good day, right?” Newt asked.

Phelan nodded. “You have no idea.” Tears filled his eyes.

Newt wasn’t sure he could cope with more tears without breaking down again himself. He pushed to his feet. “I’ll go and get lunch. You two sit here. What would you like?”

“Fish and chips, please,” River said.

“Just a few chips for me… Maybe I can just share some of yours… I’m not eating much now.”

“Salt and vinegar?”

“Yes,” they both said.

Newt checked for the nearest chippie on his phone and set off.

He had hated Phelan for a while. Sometimes, when he was on his own in his cell, he’d find himself thinking of what his family might be doing.

At Christmas. On birthdays. Holidays. Parties.

It wasn’t that they’d been happy times for him but he still missed parts of his former life.

He’d wondered if any of his family had thought about him—especially on Christmas morning or when it was his birthday.

He knew Phelan had because he’d kept getting cards and letters.

Too late to wonder if he’d been right to send them back unopened.

Now Phelan was dying and Newt was sad it had come to this.

When he got back with the food and cans of pop, River and Phelan were talking about cars. Ugh.

Phelan saw his face and chuckled. “Newt really doesn’t like cars.”

“Even my DB12!” River put on a horrified expression.

“Well…” Newt smiled.

He handed out the trays of food and sat on the other side of Phelan. Everyone was quiet while they ate. Phelan managed several of Newt’s chips and a little bit of the fish.

“Not much can beat eating fish and chips when you’re looking out to sea on a cold day,” Newt said.

“It’s perfect,” Phelan said. “Thank you. The best day…for a long time.”

Newt suddenly found it hard to swallow. This was the last time Phelan would do this and his brother knew that. It was easy to take life for granted. But everyone woke in the morning not knowing if it would be their last day though most didn’t think about that.

Phelan probably did. Newt felt as if a door was closing in front of him.

A different door to the one closing in front of Phelan but Newt would lose the only member of his family that he’d loved.

He’d tried to shut them out of his life but Phelan had always been there, stayed there.

Despite everything, Phelan was still his brother.

As if Phelan understood what was going through his mind, probably because Newt had stopped eating, he put his hand on Newt’s knee.

“I know you don’t want me to keep saying I’m sorry…

I can’t make this right… But I have done what I can.

Someone will call you, after I… Hmm… After.

Please give your number to the hospice… And take the call.

I’m at peace with what’s happening… now I’ve seen you.

Thank you for coming…Thank you for this. I’m glad you’re happy.”

Newt’s throat was full. “Did you want to go into the hospice?”

“What do you think?”

“Oh God.” His fucking family.

“I’d rather have people around who are paid to care for me…than family who don’t want to. The staff are lovely… Can I call you?” He offered his phone to Newt.

Newt put Phelan’s number into his phone and called him. “Now you have mine.”

Newt held himself together while they took Phelan back to his room. They both shed tears as they said goodbye because they knew that was the last time they’d see each other. Newt put one of the heart-shaped pieces of glass in Phelan’s hand and closed his fingers around it.

Phelan opened his hand, looked at it and smiled. “They won’t let me keep it. Bring it to my funeral.”

Newt took it back. “I do forgive you. I want you to believe me.”

Phelan groaned. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I know you sent all my letters back but I wanted you to know I’d never forget you. Please be happy. Have the best life you can. Hold tight to those you love. Don’t give up on them.”

Newt nodded. He knew what Phelan was telling him, but hanging onto River might not be possible.

On their way out, they paused at the desk to give them Newt’s number.

Once they were sitting in the car, Newt folded his arms against the wheel, leaned his head on them and fell apart.