Chapter Sixteen
Sixteen
On the way home, they did everything but talk about Newt’s family.
River wanted to talk about his, but this definitely wasn’t the right moment.
Newt came up with more word games. River had to name as many items in a category as he could—fruit, vegetables, animals, film titles.
Then Newt had given him a word and asked him to explain what it meant.
Harder than it sounded for someone without full language skills.
But when Newt threw in words like watersports, sounding, docking, dogging…
Then, it was fun. Considering what they’d spent much of the day doing, River was relieved Newt could still laugh.
They swam in the pool when they got back River didn’t manage many lengths but Newt kept going and going.
Finally, River made him get out by telling him he was hungry.
He had a feeling Newt wouldn’t have stopped.
River didn’t know how to help him. If Newt wanted to talk, he’d listen, but he didn’t want to push him.
“Feel better?” River asked when they started to make dinner.
“Yes.”
“If you’d known about…Lily?” River began to slice mushrooms for beef Stroganoff.
“Would I have felt differently?” Newt exhaled.
“Not at that time. I was so…hurt and furious. I get that Phelan wouldn’t have wanted to miss those early years with his child.
He really would have made a great dad. But he was prepared to sacrifice my freedom for that.
I’d never have done it. Phelan’s weak. He was always under the thrall of Sean.
He let himself be talked into it. But I know what my parents are like.
My father has always been a bully and my mother was manipulative. And I was weak too.”
“I think you…were strong.” River passed him the mushrooms to put in the pan.
“If you’d met me when I was a teenager, you’d have seen someone so lacking in confidence, you’d have walked away in disgust. I didn’t think I could do anything.
Nobody did, apart from Phelan. After I was locked up, I had to be resilient.
I stopped doubting myself, learned that self-pity was okay sometimes, just not all the time. I grew up.”
“You said…you forgive him. Do you?”
Newt took a while to answer. “I spent years thinking I never would, that there was nothing that could make me feel I would. But maybe it was seeing him like that… and knowing he did what he could to keep me safer in prison…thinking about how it mattered not just to him but to me… I do forgive him.” Newt added the cooked onions to the mushrooms and stirred.
“It felt right. There’s no point hanging on to feelings that don’t make you feel good. ”
“Some things can’t…be forgiven.”
Newt glanced at him. “Would you have forgiven him?”
River shrugged. “Hard to say.”
“I think unless you’re actually in that position yourself, you can’t know what you’d do. Phelan’s betrayal hit me very hard because he was the only one in the family that I loved.”
“Could you forgive murder?”
“Of someone you love? That would be very difficult. Or even if they weren’t killed but hurt in a terrible way. Deliberately blinded or scarred. I just don’t know. We all want life to be fair, for justice to be done, but that’s not the way life is. Doesn’t mean you ever forget what happened.”
Newt stirred the rice.
“Could you…kill someone?” River asked.
Newt frowned. “I don’t think I could deliberately plan to kill someone even if they’d badly hurt or killed someone I loved.
But if someone was trying to kill me or someone I loved…
Actually, maybe not anyone I even knew but I could see they were about to get badly hurt or killed, maybe then, but I’d be hoping to subdue them not kill them. What about you?”
“The same as you.”
Newt’s mouth quirked. “You were supposed to give me a well-thought-out longer answer than that.”
River got the dishes out of the cupboard. “Just need one word. D…depends.”
“That’s true. It depends on a lot of things. See if you think the rice is done.”
River forked up a few grains, blew on them, then put the fork in his mouth. “Yes. Done.”
They ate sitting at the island unit. River had opened a bottle of red wine and poured them both a glass.
“Treat,” he said to Newt. “Hard day.”
“It was.”
The Stroganoff was delicious. The beef strips melted in the mouth, the sauce was perfect… For the first time, River cleared his plate before Newt.
“Like the wine?” River asked.
“I do. Damn you! Don’t feed me lobster or caviar, just in case.”
“Don’t like them.”
Newt finished eating. “I did like that though. It was a recipe Linda left.”
River took a deep breath. “I want to tell you…about my…family.”
“That sounds serious. As bad as mine?”
“Worse.”
Newt shot him a look. “Worse? Christ. Right.”
They cleared up, put a stopper in the wine bottle and settled on the couch. River took hold of Newt’s hand. He hoped he had the words to explain this. Maybe it would be easier to let Newt read about them. “Look up Shaw family, Kent. Tra-tragedy. Read. Too much for me to ex…explain.”
“I assumed there was some issue because you’ve never mentioned them.”
River moved closer so he could see what Newt was looking at.
“That.” River pointed to a post that had a picture of him and his parents and his two younger sisters.
His heart twisted in his chest. Emily and Lottie stood either side of their mum.
River, or Tomas as he was then, stood next to his father.
They were all smiling. The photo had been taken a month before the world ended.
Newt sucked in a breath, put his phone down and clutched River’s hand as he looked at him, eyes wide and horrified. “Oh my God. He killed everyone?”
“Dad was short of money… Mum a…spender.” River gave a choked laugh. “On us. On him. On her. Nice house. Nice holidays… Private school. He borrowed. Took out…another mortgage. Borrowed more. Things were very bad. He didn’t tell us.”
Newt squeezed his fingers.
“That day…pan…pancakes for breakfast.” He began to breathe more heavily. “I moaned about…homework. Lottie and Em…shopping with Mum. Dad took me to gol…golf place. Happy.” He fought back tears.
“After we went to bed, everything changed. He s…str…strangled my sisters while they were sleeping. I heard a noise. Came out of my room and saw him… Ran to Mum… She told me…hi…hide on the roof and stay there. She helped me up. Closed the window. I heard her shouting. Screaming.” He swallowed hard.
“Then I heard a shot. No more noise. Until he came looking for me.”
“Oh shit.”
“Didn’t move… Scared. Nearly fell. I could hear him calling and calling.
I waited. He…came outside and saw me. I tried to climb higher and…
he shot at me. Twice. Missed. I hid behind the chim…
ney.” He let out a shuddering breath. “He came upstairs and climbed out after me…s…slipped on the tiles and s…slid off the roof.”
“Fucking hell, River. That’s awful.”
“Police came. Fireman got me down. Didn’t want to let go of …chimney. He kept telling me I was okay. Wasn’t.”
“Did you have any other family?”
“No one. Max had seen me in…a play at s…school. Two weeks before… Gave me his…card. Police called him. He came so fast. Took me to his house. Cared for me.”
“He wanted you to sign with him?”
“Yes, but I didn’t have to. Max said…he’d help me go to…uni.”
“You said no?”
“I said no.”
“Max offered you the chance of another life, unconnected to the one you had. A new name, a new start. Your past gone.”
River nodded. “To not be the boy whose father sl…sl…killed his family… Max looked after me. No one knows about my past… Only Max. And you now. So… should I forgive my father?”
“Was he a good father?”
“Yes.” River sagged against him. “He was good.” Until he wasn’t.
“He must have been mentally ill. He probably thought he was saving the family the shame of him having no money and needing to sell your home, taking all three of you out of school, no more lovely holidays. Protecting you from a future he hadn’t been able to face for himself or for you. It’s sad.”
“Would you forgive?”
Newt chewed his lip. “He wasn’t thinking straight, but he killed your mother and your sisters in a horrible way and tried to kill you.
There were other things he could have done, other paths he could have taken and he chose the wrong one.
I’d find it hard to forgive him. He could have killed himself and let you all live.
Except you’d have hated him for a different reason then and probably blamed yourself for not seeing something coming. ”
“Maybe.”
“You lost everyone. You lost those you loved. That must have been awful. I’m glad you had Max.”
“He was so good to me.”
“I wish I’d had someone who loved me. But now, all these years later, it doesn’t seem to matter so much.”
“I’m angry for you.”
Newt rubbed River’s shoulder. “Like you were angry with your father? But you’ve been strong. You’ve not let it ruin your life and it might have done.”
“It ruined yours.”
“Well… It changed what my life would have been but now I can’t say that it ruined it.” He stared at River. “I’m not a fan of the idea that things happen for a reason but…”
“I hate him. Such a waste. My sisters. My mother. He was a selfish…bastard.”
Newt pulled him into his arms and pressed his face into River’s hair. “He wanted to save you all from being hurt. He was wrong but he wasn’t thinking rationally.”
“Bloody families.”
“I’ve always thought you make family what you want it to be.
And that doesn’t have to include people related to you by blood.
If a friend did something hurtful, then you’d walk away.
Why shouldn’t you do the same if your family does something bad to you?
The best family you can have is one that you choose or one that you create yourself.
Max was your family. He might have had an ulterior motive to look after you if he wanted you to sign with him, but he cared for you. Still cares. He’s very protective.”