14. Nikolai
14
NIKOLAI
“ W hite or blue?”
Reid looks up from his phone and glances between the two shirts I’m holding with pure boredom. “Seriously?”
“Yes,” I say, turning to look in the floor-length mirror in the corner of my bedroom and hold up each option.
“It doesn’t really matter. They’re both fine.”
“C’mon.”
In the reflection, I see him roll his eyes. “The white.”
Tossing the white one aside, I pull the blue one on and button the bottom few buttons. When he notices me, he gives me an incredulous look that eases my nerves a bit.
“Why’d you even bother asking if you were just going to choose the opposite?” he snarks.
I shrug, turning to face him. “It’s fun.”
He shakes his head, typing something quickly on his phone before tossing it on the bed beside him.
“Do you have somewhere else you need to be?”
“What?”
I nod toward his phone, and he sighs, leaning back on his elbows. His long legs sprawl out in front of him and he cracks his neck side to side. His hair has grown out in the last few months. The dark brown strands now curl around his ears and tickle the collar of his black T-shirt. His cut jaw is hidden beneath a thick layer of stubble and dark bags have taken residence under his crystal eyes.
“Nah,” he says, brushing me off. “It’s nothing.”
I kick his foot as I walk over to my dresser. “You can talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Sure about that?” I spritz a few sprays of my favorite cologne before recapping the glass bottle and setting it back in a row with others that I never use.
Reid’s quiet, and when I glance at him, he’s glaring at me. “Don’t push it.”
I hold my hands up in surrender. “Got it.”
He’s my best friend, but I know when to dig deeper, and when to relent when it comes to him. And right now, he’s not going to crack no matter how much I can sense there’s something lurking beneath his surface, disrupting his peace.
“How’re you feeling about tonight?” he asks.
I lean against the dresser, crossing my ankles. “I—” I catch myself, about to give the default answer and then remember this is Reid. “I’m nervous as fuck, man.”
He nods understandingly. “It’d be surprising if you weren’t. But you’re ready.”
“Am I?”
“You always are. The song is strong, and performing has never been an issue for you. It’s what helped get us to where we did.”
“But I was never up there alone.”
Grimacing, he says, “You won’t be tonight, either.”
I groan.
“Did I make a mistake?” I love the song. It’s meant to be sung as a duet, and any other feelings aside, Kerra is talented. Her voice suits the lyrics and makes the melodies come to life. But still, I have my reservations about tonight.
“Only time will tell.”
“Dude.”
Reid chuckles. “I’m not gonna bullshit you.”
“Not even once?” I pout.
“Nope.”
“It’d be nice.”
“When have I ever been nice?”
I flop on my bed and stare at the ceiling. “What about you? What have you been up to?”
Since the band’s breakup, Walker and Hayden have settled into their new lives seamlessly. But I worry about Reid.
He cracks his knuckles, which I notice are bruised.
“Been boxing again?”
“Yeah. Got a lot of free time.” He says it like it’s a joke, but I can hear the truth behind it.
“You could come with me to the studio sometime, you know? It’s not as much fun writing without you.”
“This is your new project. I don’t want to influence it.”
“But what if I want your influence?”
“You shouldn’t.”
I smack his tattooed arm.
“What about Jane? How’s that going to have her here?”
Once again, I stop myself from locking down any emotions at the mention of her that I usually have to do when my friends ask about her. Because as far as Walker and Hayden know, Jane has always been just another friend to me.
But with Reid, I don’t have to hide it.
“It’s fucking tough, man,” I admit, dragging my hands down my face. “She’s right down the hall. Like how the fuck am I supposed to just coexist with her?”
“She’s coming tonight, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then she still cares, man. You know she does.”
I let out a harsh laugh. “I don’t want to spook her.”
“Fuck that.”
“What?”
He faces me. “I’ve had to listen to you bitch about her for years, and now that she’s under your roof, you’re going to tiptoe around things?”
The entire time Jane and I were together, we kept it a secret from everyone. But once we broke up and the band got to LA, that’s when the breakup really hit me full force and I couldn’t keep it all inside.
One night in our hotel room after a few too many drinks, I spilled everything to Reid. I knew I could trust him to keep a secret. He’s always been a locked vault, and to this day, he’s never betrayed my trust. And despite the recent tension between him and Walker, they used to be thick as thieves as well.
“You don’t get it.”
“Then explain it to me.”
How am I supposed to explain to him when I don’t even fully understand it myself?
“I want her back,” I whisper.
Reid settles on his side.
“But she doesn’t trust me. I can feel it. And how am I supposed to get past that?”
“You broke her trust. That’s not just going to be fixed overnight.”
“I know that.”
“And I doubt you agreeing to the fake relationship with Kerra is going to do you any favors in that department.”
“Are you trying to make me feel worse?”
Reid shrugs.
“Fuck you.”
“Not today.”
This fucker. “Seriously though. Tell me what you think I should do.”
“I don’t know, have you tried apologizing and telling her how you feel?” Reid chirps.
I grit my teeth, annoyed.
More so because he’s right.
“You haven’t?” he asks, eyes growing wide. “What the actual fuck, man?”
“I told you, I don’t want to scare her off when we’ve gotten to a good place.”
“But is that ‘good place’ the only place you ever want to be with her? Can you live with that?”
Fuck no. The idea of only ever being friends, seeing her find someone else, moving on and building a life that doesn’t include me, I can’t fathom it.
“No.”
“Then you need to tell her how you feel. Fuck it. Stop wasting both of your time.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one in my position.”
“I’d never find myself in this type of situation. Relationships are too messy.”
In the eleven years that I’ve been friends with him, never once has he had a serious girlfriend.
“It’s just?—”
“No,” he cuts me off, “you’re the one who’s always telling everyone else to not have any fucking regrets because you know how quick life can shift. So this is me turning that back around on you.”
I keep my mouth shut, knowing he’s right.
But at the same time, the situation with Jane isn’t so black and white. I fucked up, and that doesn’t just go away because time has passed.
Reid’s gaze burn into the side of my face and I meet his stare. His face softens, as it does with only a select few, at my torment.
“Nik, she cares about you,” he says, voice gritty. “If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have defended you at the band dinner last summer.”
I turn my attention toward the ceiling fan.
“And she wouldn’t have done what she did for you two years ago, either.”