24. Nikolai
24
NIKOLAI
“ L ast question coming in today, we have Bridget from Utah. Bridget, what would you like to ask Nikolai Brooks and Kerra?”
The radio station’s headphones are starting to give me a headache, so I’m thankful that this is the final question and that means this radio interview is almost over. Kerra and I have been here for an hour, interviewing between songs.
“Ahh, this is so cool! Hi Johnny, I listen to your show everyday!” The excited voice of the caller rings through the line.
Johnny, the radio DJ, smiles and gives a smooth, “Thank you,” to his fan.
“My question for Nikolai and Kerra is how did the two of you meet? And did your relationship inspire you two to make a song together? I love you, Nikolai!” Her voice is cut off, and I don’t miss Kerra’s tense smile at that last part.
Johnny looks at the two of us expectantly. I open my mouth to answer when Kerra cuts in. “We met a couple of years ago, before Nikolai’s last tour and have stayed in touch on and off since then.” It’s the story our teams came up with. It makes sense, logically. She was supposed to be the opening act for that tour until a pile of lawsuits came raining down on her.
But we never met then, and we certainly haven’t kept in touch.
“I always thought he was a little bit of a player.” She chuckles, and it grates against my nerves. “But once I got to know him, I realized how kind he is. And he’s just an incredible songwriter. Once he was freed up from his former commitments, I was dying to get into the studio with him.”
And yet, you didn’t even write a single word on the song with me…
“The partnership felt natural once we started creating the song, and then you know, one thing turned into the next…” She smiles sweetly at me, and I give her a half-assed one back. There aren’t any cameras in here and Johnny has been in the game for decades. We don’t need to put on an extra show for him alone, but I do play my part.
“What she said,” I say, earning a laugh from Johnny and a side-eye from Kerra. “I’m really proud of this song, and I’m happy people love it. Kerra did a beautiful job with her vocals and I think we blend together well on it.”
Even if I don’t love the situation I’m in with her, I can’t deny that the song is great and she’s talented.
“Well,” Johnny says, “our audience loves it here! Been getting a lot of air time.”
“Appreciate it, man.”
“That’s the top of the hour, which means I have to let these two go. Nikolai, Kerra, thank you both for stopping by today and I look forward to your show tonight, Nikolai.”
We thank him and say our goodbyes before stepping out of the studio. Kerra is silent by my side as we stroll down the hallway of the station but I can feel the words she wants to say trapped in her mouth. I spare her a glance. “What’s up?”
“ What’s up ?”
I sigh. Every single part of me wants to just head back to my hotel room and prepare for the show tonight. It’s a short set at a music festival but I’m going to be singing four of the new songs I’m planning to have on the album, as well as the single with Kerra and she’ll come out to perform it with me. But clearly, she wants to talk before that can happen.
As we turn a corner, there’s an empty conference room and I pull her in there. The studio is fairly empty since it’s a Saturday morning, but I don’t think this is going to be a discussion we want overheard.
When we enter, I shut the door behind us and flick the lights on. There’s a window in the door, so I pull us to the side so we’re mostly out of view for anyone who might walk by.
“Alright, what’s wrong?” I cross my arms.
Her cheeks redden. “What’s wrong with me? More like what’s wrong with you! What was that in there?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your complete lack of interest in me!” she sputters. “Thank god it was a radio interview and not on camera because anyone with two fucking braincells would be able to see that you’re not in this.”
There’s the Kerra I’m familiar with. Not the sugary sweet, docile facade she’s presenting in her rebrand.
“What would you have said if I wouldn’t have jumped in for that final question?” She pops her hip out. “Would you have forgotten that you’re my boyfriend entirely?”
“First off, I’m not your boyfriend.” She narrows her eyes on me. “And second, I would’ve given the same answer you did. The same one we are both coached to answer.”
She waves her hand flippantly. “You wouldn’t have sold it the same way I did.”
“You’re probably right,” I agree.
“I need this, Nikolai. I fucking need this to work and I’m going to make sure it does. What the hell do you think you’re doing? Your ass is on the line just as much as mine is with this. So why am I the one having to pull the weight?”
Because I don’t want to do this. It’s a mistake. Yes, it’s benefiting my career but it’s haunting me thinking about how much pretending I’m going to have to do with Kerra when I almost have Jane back in my arms. The popularity of the song and positive attention my solo career is starting to gain, at least according to Arun, doesn’t feel as sweet while I know I’m living a lie.
“I’m not going to let you make a fool of me, if that’s what you think is going to happen here.” Kerra’s voice is cold.
I frown. “I’m not trying to make a fool of you. But I also need you to understand that this is never going to actually go anywhere between us. I’m in it for the press and once our obligations are up, I’m done with it.”
Her lips purse. “I see.”
The word sorry is on the tip of my tongue, but I made it very clear to her when we sat down with our teams that this is purely for show.
“Just keep up your end of the bargain, Nikolai. Trust me, I know how easy it is for the public to turn on you, and I’d hate to see that happen to you.” She strides out the door, hips swinging, and I’m left stunned.
Was that a threat?
Hayden: The house is finally ready and we need to celebrate the birthday boy. Pool day at our place tomorrow when Nik gets back?
Walker: You are also a birthday boy. Are you trying to get out of a joint celebration?
Hayden: No but I don’t really need to celebrate my birthday again
Me: And I do?
Hayden: Well did you actually celebrate with anyone this weekend?
Me: ….
Hayden: That’s what I thought
Walker: What do you mean celebrate again? Did you have a party you didn’t invite us to? Wtf bro. I’m your best friend
Hayden: I didn’t have a party I just celebrated with Carter
Walker: And you didn’t want to invite us?
Hayden: It wasn’t a group kind of celebration dude
Me: Hell yeah
Walker: Oh….nice
Hayden: So anyways…pool day tomorrow? Noon?
Walker: We’re in
Me: Me too. I’ll tell Jane when I get back
Me: Is Reid invited?
Reid was not invited. His absence feels like a haunting hole in my gut as I look around Hayden and Carter’s kitchen, everyone’s chatter and laughter filling the air, and our brother isn’t to be found.
“Did you invite Reid?” I ask Hayden, bringing a red cup to my lips. I sputter and give an incredulous look to Jane. Is she trying to kill me?
Possibly .
She shrugs haughtily. “It’s your birthday celebration.” As if that’s enough of an explanation for why this vodka soda is more like straight vodka.
I’m more careful with my next sip as I look back at Hayden, awaiting his answer. He cracks his tattooed knuckles and glances at the group. “I didn’t think he’d come.” Carter rubs his back in reassurance.
I clench my teeth, trying to bite now my initial reaction. It doesn't matter if he thought he wouldn’t come. He should’ve at least been invited.
And I think if the offer would’ve been there, as stubborn as Reid is, he would’ve stopped by.
“Nik, we haven’t heard from him since last year.” Walker sighs.
“And have you reached out to him?” I shoot back, harsher than I intended.
Walker scoffs, and Scar shifts beside him. He wraps an arm around her and pulls her into his side, but she remains stiff. An underlying tension simmers beneath her carefully blank expression.
“No,” Hayden concedes, “but I’m just saying, I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.”
But I am. I want my family back intact. It’s selfish, because I wasn’t the one who was hurt in the fractured friendships between Reid and Walker, and Reid and Hayden. But that’s what they are. My family.
My parents’ house was like a cold war growing up, leaving Milo and me to cling to each other in the debris. In those times during and after their divorce and the dissolution of our family, my bandmates were who kept me together. I got a break from trying to be the glue for my blood family and instead was allowed to find solace in them.
But after the break and subsequent incidents that happened thereafter, I found myself once again in the position of trying to keep everyone together. And as exhausting as it was and I know I did everything I could, I still wonder if there was more I could’ve done to heal the wounds they gave each other.
“I won’t push anyone,” I say, leaning against the counter. “But at some point, we all have to move on.”
“Haven’t we been doing that?” Walker says.
“I’d say everyone’s been in avoidance mode.”
Janes snorts, then tries to cover it with a cough. I whip my head in her direction and glare. What’s so funny about that? Her entire MO lately has been avoidance.
Avoid me.
Avoid talking.
Avoid her feelings.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
But she must feel emboldened that I won’t call her on her bullshit in front of everyone, because that would mean exposing everything we’ve been hiding. And that’s not going to happen like this.
“Look,” I take a deep breath, “I just don’t want the people I care about the most to be torn apart forever.” And I don’t want to be in the middle of it again.
Walker and Hayden exchange a weighted look. “I just think we all need time,” Hayden says.
I nod. “That’s I guess the best I can ask for right now.”
There’s an awkward silence, before Carter nudges Hayden. “Did you want to get some music going?”
Hayden pulls his phone out and after a few taps, pop music pumps throughout the room. Between that and Jane’s suggestion for shots, the mood lifts considerably.
Carter and Scar walk through the open doors out onto the concrete surrounding the pool, while Walker accompanies Hayden over to his grill to get some food started.
Jane moves to stand beside me, her perfume sweet and tempting. She’s wearing a crimson-colored bikini with a matching wrap around her hips. Black sunglasses sit on top of her head, holding her hair out of her bare face. She’s tanned from her summer in LA and there’s a glow about her that draws me in.
“It won’t always be like this,” she says quietly, only for me to hear.
“Like what?”
She scans my face, reading me better than anyone has in my life. “Everyone separated. The tension, the hurt. It’ll heal.”
“You sound sure of that.”
“I am. And as you know, I’m never wrong,” she teases.
I chuckle and flick my eyes to hers. “And by the time it does, will I still have to pretend like I don’t want to pull you into my side? Like I don’t want to put my hands all over your body and show that you’re mine?”
Jane looks around nervously as she stutters for a response. “I’m not yours.”
I tsk. “I see we’re still in the denial stage.”
“No, we’re not.”
“Sure.”
She rolls her eyes and waves me off. “Step back before anyone notices.”
“What if I want them to notice?”
Alarm fills her face, and I concede, calming her down. “I’m joking.”
“Ha-ha,” she says sarcastically.
“But I’m really not.”
“Nikolai…”
I pop a chip in my mouth. “This isn’t the time for that conversation. But we’re going to have it.”
“Now who sounds awfully sure about something,” she muses.
I grin and grab my drink, rounding the counter to head outside by Walker and Hayden. Walker keeps him from burning the steaks and by the time the food is ready, we gather around the table outside by the pool to eat. The conversation is light-hearted with no more mentions of Reid. Everyone asks about my show, and I excitedly fill them in on it. Even though it was a short set, it satisfied my thirst to be back at those festivals and also keeps me wanting more.
It’s a reminder of why I’ve been spending so many hours in the studio, and why I agreed to the stint with Kerra. It’s keeping the buzz alive.
After we clean up, Carter takes the girls inside to show them some of the magazines she’s shot recently and the guys and I settle on a few loungers tucked away under a pergola. The sun is beating down today and it’ll be a miracle if I avoid a sunburn today.
We pull the chairs into a tight circle so we can still talk. Hayden nervously twirls his beer bottle with one hand as Walker and I tell him about the song we wrote together. He only seems to be partially listening and finally Walker says, “Dude, what’s your deal?”
He licks his lips and then leans in. Walker and I do the same.
“I’m having a ring made,” Hayden says quietly, his eyes nervously darting toward the open patio doors where the girls are gathered in the kitchen. “It should be done in a few weeks.”
“No fucking way.” I smile, and Walker claps Hayden’s shoulder excitedly.
“Congratulations,” Walker says. “When did you get the ball rolling on it?”
Hayden rubs the back of his neck. “I’ve known this is it since last fall, but after the move and then the renovations, I wanted to wait until we were finally settled.”
“Do you think she has any idea?” I ask. I glance over at the women. Jane’s chest bounces around in her bikini top as she shakes a cocktail shaker and chats animatedly with Carter. Scar’s leaning against the counter looking less engaged in the conversation than usual. Even for her.
“I mean, we’ve talked about marriage and our future together,” he says. “And I asked her what she likes in a ring so I have somewhat of an idea, but we haven’t talked about a timeline or anything. I want to surprise her.”
“How are you gonna do it?” Walker pipes in.
Hayden shakes his head and sighs heavily. “I have no fucking clue.”
“Don’t overthink it,” I tell him, and he snorts.
“Of course that’s what you’d say.”
Smirking, I continue, “She loves you, man. You could walk up to her right now without a ring, without any plan, in your trunks, and I’d bet my entire fortune that she’d say yes.”
“I know, I know. I just…she deserves it to be special.”
My friend, the romantic. Although if any of us were capable of it, it’d be him.
“If you need help with anything, you let us know.” Walker takes a long sip of his Diet Coke and then stares at it, like the drink personally offends him.
“What about you?” Hayden asks him.
“What about me?”
Hayden nods his head in Scar’s direction. “You guys thinking about that next step yet?”
Something shutters behind Walker’s usually playful gaze and he runs a thick hand through his hair. “Not yet.”
That takes me back. It seems to do the same to Hayden.
“No?” I ask. They’ve been together for two years now.
Walker shrugs but it’s stiff. “We’re not rushing anything. Scar’s touring schedule is crazy right now, and I’ve been spending a lot of time in the studio, too. It’s just not something we’re thinking about.”
He eyes his girlfriend with an unreadable expression, which throws me off because out of all of us, Walker has always been the easiest to read. He wears his heart on his sleeve and it’s disarming to feel like he has a bit of a wall up with us.
“Everything okay between you two?” I ask carefully.
He immediately cracks a smile, but it lacks its usual enthusiasm. “We’re good.”
I peek at Hayden and he looks just as confused as I do. Alright, well, at least he’s not in on something that I’m just being left out of. While the four of us have always been best friends, Hayden and Walker have always been just a little closer, like me and Reid.
Well, not exactly like me and Reid.
Hayden, being the good friend he is to Walker, but the little shit he can be, turns the attention to me by asking, “What about you? Have you been seeing anyone lately?”
I glare at him because while I haven’t confirmed anything to him, I know he knows that Jane and I are more than friends.
But the relief on Walker’s face that the attention is off of him soothes a bit of my annoyance. At least until the guilt sweeps in that I have to sit here and lie.
“No,” I say, hoping I sound convincing. “With the whole deal with Kerra and working on my album, I haven’t really had time.”
“That’s never stopped you before,” Walker says, and my heart rate spikes, thinking he might be onto us. But when I meet his eye, there’s no suspicion there; only curiosity.
I shrug and decide to play into the stereotype I’ve fallen into for years. “No, it hasn’t. But you know me, it’s not like I’m trying to settle down like you fuckers.”
Walker laughs, and I ignore the bitter taste of my lies. Hayden’s eyes burn into the side of my face, but I purposely avert my attention, staring out at the water.
My life suddenly feels like one giant lie. I’m lying to the public about being in a relationship with Kerra. I’m lying to my best friends by not admitting that I’m in a relationship with Jane.
Well, not yet anyways. But if I have anything to say about it, that will change.
Soon.