Jaime
JAIME
I can hardly breathe as Zak shakes Louis’ hand. His smile is tight, pain clear in his brown eyes, but I’m sure I’m the only one who notices. Although, when I tear my eyes from the car crash happening right in front of me, I find his mom eyeing him with concern.
This shouldn’t be happening. Zak shouldn’t be here. Seeing him in my house is so jarring—my two worlds colliding in a way I never imagined. He looks handsome as hell in his fitted tux, his hair shorter than it was when I last saw him, and it takes a hell of a lot of willpower not to let my gaze linger.
“Surely you two must have crossed paths,” Zak’s mom says, looking between us before turning back to my dad. “They’re both seniors at Franklin West.”
Louis’ arm slides around my waist and it takes far too much effort to stay still and not move away.
“Is that so?” he says. “What a small world.”
“Small world indeed,” my mom agrees.
Zak’s smile is tight, his gaze dropping to Louis’ arm, but thankfully, any explanation is cut short by dinner being announced, and a request for everyone to take their seats.
As Zak and his mom move away, I exhale.
“Are you okay?” Louis asks, his grip tightening on my waist.
Forcing a lightness into my tone, I turn and give him a bright smile. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
His blue eyes search mine, and my heart races as though he might be able to find the lie on my face.
“You tensed up when he came over. Is he an ex?”
I blink, unsure what to say. Does he have exes?
“I’ve been engaged since I was six-years-old,” I say quietly, discreetly checking that my parents have moved away. “I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I don’t have any exes.”
Louis’ eyes widen, and I get the answer to my question. He definitely hasn’t been saving himself for me either.
Turning me to face him, he places both hands on my hips as he leans a little closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You’re not—”
“A virgin?” I hiss. “No. Are you?”
His laugh is loud enough that the nearest table look up in interest. My cheeks burn.
“Come on,” I say, moving out of his grip. “We’re almost the last to sit down.”
I move through the tables, smiling at semi-familiar faces, losing Louis at some point as he stops to talk to someone. When I reach our table, my parents glance up, but before they can say anything, I strike up a conversation with Louis’ mom.
Louis and my dad only arrived back from Hong Kong yesterday afternoon, so I haven’t had a chance to talk to him yet about the fact that he set a date for the wedding without consulting me. Sure, I could ask Mom, but after our last conversation, I’ve been avoiding her like the plague. Part of me can’t even be bothered to fight it. It’s set. Just like everything else in my life.
As Louis’ mom proceeds to tell the whole table in great detail about the yacht Claude bought her for Christmas, I let my gaze drift to the table on the other side of the room. I can see Zak’s profile as he talks to a woman wearing an emerald satin turban, and I take the opportunity to look at him properly.
I saw him in a suit at the opening party, but there’s just something about a tux that hits different. He looks gorgeous, and I can’t stop myself from thinking how, in another life, I’d be the one to watch him take it off for me. I press my thighs together under the table at the thought, trying to pull myself back to the talk of reputable yacht maintenance companies, but I can’t. Not even when Louis returns and sits beside me.
I don’t look at Zak again, for fear of someone noticing, but I’m dying to know what he’s thinking. Is he angry with me? Almost certainly. There’s no way he’ll be climbing roofs for me anymore, that’s for sure.
My heart sinks as I realize how selfish I’ve been. Even though I’ve always known I can’t have him, I’ve let him chase me. Sure, I’ve always said no, but I could have just told him the truth. I could have been firmer. I know that if I’d shut him down properly, he wouldn’t have pursued me the way he has. I certainly shouldn’t have kissed him. Or fucked him.
Without thinking, my eyes flit to his table, my body stiffening as I find him staring at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so angry. I swallow and look away.
All through my dad’s welcoming speech, I sit, staring at my empty side plate, my champagne untouched. I can’t do this. I can’t sit here, in the same room as him without explaining. Without . . . apologizing.
The second the servers start bringing around the appetizers, I push back my chair.
“I’m sorry. I’m not feeling great. I’m going to get some air.”
Louis stands too, his brow creasing with concern. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“No.” I shake my head and give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. “I won’t be long. I think my dress is just a little too tight.”
Avoiding my mom’s eye, I turn and walk away, heading for the exit. She knows this dress fits perfectly because I was measured for it the last time I was here.
As I move away from the table, I hear Louis convincing my mother not to go after me, and I exhale in gratitude. I just need a little space to breathe. Although, I have a feeling I’m not going to get it.
I’m barely ten feet out of the room when I hear footsteps behind me on the polished marble floor and my eyes close, ready for what I’m sure is about to come.
“!” Zak hisses.
I take a deep breath and turn, trying not to shrink under his furious stare. “Not here. Come with me.”
His jaw clenches, but he nods, and I lead him past one of the security guards to the glass doors that lead out to the gardens. I close them behind us, trying to decide what to say, but Zak beats me to the punch.
“What the hell, ? You’re engaged ?”
I wince. “I can explain.”
“I should fucking hope so!” He pushes his fingers through his short black curls, his eyes wide. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“I . . .” My breath leaves my lungs in a heavy exhale, my shoulders sagging. “I didn’t know how.”
He barks a laugh. “It’s really fucking easy. Zak? I’m engaged to another man. See? See how easy that was?”
My nose itches as tears start to form against my will and I press my lips together, looking away. “I’m sorry.”
Zak groans before sinking down to the stone step with a sigh. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. When did it happen? Over the summer? Last year? How long have you been with him?”
“Since I was six.”
Zak’s head snaps up as he stares at me. “What? Like some childhood sweetheart? You’ve been with him the entire time I’ve known you?”
My lip trembles as his head drops to his hands, but I don’t answer. I don’t know how.
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” he mutters.
Staring down at him, I know this is how I should leave it. It would be so much easier with him hating me—being disgusted by me. Everything tells me I should walk away. But I don’t.
“I don’t want to marry him,” I say, instantly wincing as the words leave my lips. It’s the first time I’ve voiced the thought aloud, and I hate myself for it.
Zak slowly lifts his head, his brow furrowed. “So, why are you?”
“Because I have to.”
Perhaps realizing that I’m not going to sit down, Zak pushes to his feet, towering over me once more, even in my heels. “What does that even mean?”
I look away, regretting not walking away when I had the chance. This is exactly why I never told him. I can barely explain it to myself, let alone to someone else.
Zak reaches out and takes hold of my chin, gently tilting my head to look at him. “Is he forcing you, ?” he asks softly. “Is he blackmailing you or something? You can tell me. Maybe I can help, or—”
“He’s not forcing me,” I say, turning my face out of his grip. “It’s just always been this way.”
Zak pulls a hand over his face and takes a deep breath. “Maybe I’m being fucking stupid here, , but I don’t get it. If you don’t want to marry the guy, don’t.”
“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you,” I say, frustration taking my despair and molding it into something sharp and jagged. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
“Then help me,” he grits out. “Help me understand why you didn’t just fucking tell me you were taken.”
“I don’t know!” I glance over my shoulder at the doors as my voice rises, but there’s no one there. “But now you know. I’m marrying Louis next December and there’s nothing either one of us can do about it.”
Zak stares at me, his eyes wide. “You’re serious, aren’t you? You honestly think you can’t get out of this.”
“I can’t.” I take a step toward the doors.
He reaches for my arm, but I twist away. “. This is the US. No one can force you to get married. That kind of shit doesn’t happen here.”
“Enough, Zak.” I open the door, aware I’ve been gone far too long.
He rushes forward and blocks my way, ignoring my answering scowl. “Say no, . It’s that simple.”
“I can’t!” Reaching out, I shove him out of the way and step back through into the house. No footsteps follow and I sag with relief. It’s done. My secret is out. Maybe I should tell Abi and Sasha, too. After all, I’ll want them at the wedding.
When I reach the dining room, I find Louis waiting outside. He straightens, looking me over as I approach.
“Are you feeling better?” he asks.
I nod, forcing a smile. “Much. Thank you.”
He offers me his arm and I take it, thankful that Zak didn’t follow me back. I should feel relieved that he knows, but I don’t. It’s not even that I couldn’t make him understand. The problem is the words I voiced that I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t make them any less true, though. I don’t want to marry Louis.
In the sixteen years since the arrangement was made, I’ve never allowed myself to consider not going through with it. It’s been a part of my story for as long as I can remember.
When she was in town, Mom would read me bedtime stories, and whenever there was a prince involved, she’d say ‘just like Louis’. The phrase ‘when you marry Louis’ has been commonplace my whole life. Of course, as soon as I got to middle school, I realized it wasn’t normal. But it made sense. I understood why our families would want a union.
But now . . . Now I’m starting to wonder just how much my life would fall apart if I did what Zak suggested. What if I said, ‘no’?