Jaime
JAIME
I can’t eat. What little appetite I had evaporated the second Zak walked into the room. I knew he was coming. I checked the guest list weeks ago and thought I was prepared. It turns out, I wasn’t. Because the way he looked at me—the fury and hurt on his face—had sliced through to my core. I’ve never seen Zak look so angry and I never imagined it would be directed at me.
It's what I deserve. I know that. Cutting him out of my life with no explanation was cowardly to say the least. But I had no choice. Zak makes me weak. If I’d seen him—spoken to him—I would have crumbled. Walking away from him is the hardest decision I’ve had to make and knowing that he hates me for it makes it all the more painful.
“You should try to eat something,” Louis murmurs. “I’m worried about you.”
I force a smile and spear a green bean. It tastes like rubber. Everything does.
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Mom hisses from my other side. “Because we’ll have to move the wedding forward.”
Swallowing the bean with a wince, I shake my head. “I’m not pregnant, Mom.”
Louis shifts beside me and my skin heats. I’ve told him I want to wait until our wedding night, which he was fine with. But I know he’s getting frustrated with the fact I haven’t let myself be with him in other ways. We kissed a few weeks ago and I hated every second. As soon as I could excuse myself, I hid in a bathroom and cried.
Pushing the rest of my meal around my plate, I flinch as Louis’ hand finds my thigh, squeezing gently. I’m going to have to get over it. I chose him. I chose my parents. There’s no way I can avoid kissing my fiancé forever.
Tears of frustration prick my eyes, and I reach for my champagne, taking a long sip. I haven’t looked up from my plate since it was put in front of me. I can’t. If I do, my eyes will find his. And I can’t see that hatred again. It’ll break me.
As the waiters clear our table, however, my gaze flits to where Zak is sitting with his mom. My exhale is heavy as I find him chatting with the woman he’s sitting beside, his attention occupied.
“I’m going to get some air,” I announce, quietly pushing back my chair.
Louis pushes back his own chair, but I halt him with a hand on his shoulder and he nods. It’s one of the things that makes this so much harder. He’s a good man. He deserves a woman who can give him her whole heart. I’m not sure that will ever be me.
Keeping to the back of the room, I make my way to the small single door designated for waiting staff. This way, I don’t have to cross the room, and it’s my only chance of leaving without being spotted. Although a few of the waiters give me puzzled glances, no one questions as I make my way through into the hallway that leads to the kitchens. With the dining room behind me, I draw in a deep breath. I’ll have to go back eventually, but I just need maybe just ten minutes to regroup.
Slipping through another doorway, I make my way out into the gardens, inhaling the sweet scent of my mother’s rose garden. It’s quiet, with just the sound of the ocean; the distant chatter of the party inside barely audible. Leaning against the wall, I close my eyes.
After several minutes, the sound of footsteps echoes in the distance, and I hold my breath, hoping it’s just the gardener or security doing their rounds. Pressing myself against the wall, as though it might hide me, I keep my eyes closed and hope.
“I’m disappointed.”
I flinch at Zak’s deep tone.
“You’re so good at hiding,” he continues. “I figured it would be harder to find you.”
Reluctantly opening my eyes, I find him standing a little way away on one of the paths winding through the gardens. He must have left through the front door and somehow avoided security to find his way back here. He looks just as gorgeous as always, his hands in the pockets of his tux as he stares at me, waiting for me to speak. But no words come. I have no idea where to even start. Sorry doesn’t sound anywhere near enough, and it’s not what he wants to hear.
“You made your choice, then,” he says, stepping closer.
I press myself harder against the wall willing him to stay back.
“Are you happy with him?” he asks.
As he takes another step closer, I move from the wall, hurrying down the steps to a different path in an attempt to put some distance between us. My heel gets caught between the pebbled gravel and I stagger forward, my foot slipping from my shoe. But I don’t stop. Stepping out of my other shoe, I continue down the path, hoping he'll take the hint.
He doesn’t.
“Seriously?” His laugh is cold and hard. “You’re just going to run away from me? Is that how you want to deal with this?”
Tears sting my eyes, but I keep moving forward, the gravel digging painfully into the soles of my bare feet.
“,” Zak barks. “Stop.”
And I do. With my back to him, my breath ragged and my shoulders slumped, I stop. Because I can’t run anymore. I deserve every harsh word he has for me.
Zak’s footsteps stop just behind me, and he heaves a sigh. “I’m so fucking angry with you, .”
I nod. I’m angry with myself, too.
He moves in front of me and drops into a crouch, causing me to frown. It’s then, I realize, he picked up the shoes I left behind. Holding one out, he gestures for me to put it on. My heart twists, a tear breaking free as I step back into my shoes, and he stands.
“You should have had the decency to tell me to my face.” Zak shakes his head, staring at the gravel path. “Those first few days, before I realized what a fucking coward you are, I was so worried something had happened.”
“I’m sorry.” The words slip from my lips before I can stop them.
“I don’t want your apology,” Zak barks. “I wanted you to treat me like a human fucking being. To show me respect. You used me, . Do you have any idea how fucking shitty that is?”
I nod, tears streaming freely down my face.
Zak groans and turns away, pushing his fingers over his head before looking at me again. “Will you tell me? Will you at least have the decency to tell me why you chose him? I know it’s not the fucking money. Is he better in bed? Does he have a better dick?”
A sob tears from my throat, not at his words, but the hurt behind them. Hurt I caused.
“Louis didn’t get me fired.” I sniff, wiping the tears from my face. “It was his dad.”
Zak huffs. “So, that’s it? Now Billionaire Ken is on board with your career, he’s the right choice?”
I shake my head, trying to find a way to explain that might actually ease his hurt. “Our fathers have been building deals based on our marriage for the last sixteen years. I never said I didn’t want this, Zak. I should have said something sooner, but I left it until the last minute. It’s too late.”
Zak stares at me, his jaw working, and for a second I think he’s going to walk away. Then he shakes his head. “Sixteen years is nothing, . Your marriage to Louis could be the next sixty. Are you seriously willing to sacrifice the next sixty years of your life for sixteen years’ worth of business deals?”
He steps closer and my heart skips as I stare up at him. It’s painful, being this close to everything I want, but knowing it’s not mine to have.
“Tell me you’re happy, ,” he says, reaching out and tucking my hair behind my ear. “Tell me you’re happy and I’ll walk away.”
He knows. He knows I’m not happy. My tear stained cheeks speak volumes. What he’s really asking is for me to lie. I press my lips together and try to muster the strength to give him what he wants.
“I wish I’d been enough for you, Kitty Cat,” he says softly. “I think that’s what hurts the most. I told you I’d catch you, but you didn’t trust me enough to jump. If what you felt for me was anywhere near what I feel for you, the consequences wouldn’t have mattered. I’d give up everything for you, . Every-fucking-thing. In a heartbeat. But you would have just let me fall. In fact, you did. I leapt and you stood back and watched me splatter on the goddamn sidewalk.”
A groan rumbles in his chest, and he turns and walks away. Even though I know I should let him go, my feet move before I can stop them, words forming on my lips against my control.
“You are enough, Zak,” I say. “I’m a coward. I know that. I just . . .”
He stops and turns to face me, the darkness casting his expression in shadow, making it hard to read. “Just, what, ?”
“If I chose you, I’d be hurting so many people. Louis, my parents, his parents, and potentially dozens of businesses tied up in the deals forged because of the marriage.”
“So, it was easier to hurt me instead.”
“No.” I take a breath. “If I chose you, what’s to say it would last? You’ve chased me for years, but what if it’s just that? What if you didn’t actually like the real me? What if it’s just the chase? What if—”
“When did I give you the impression, I was only in it for the fucking chase?” Zak closes the distance between us, gripping my face in his hands, his eyes wild. “When did I ever make you think that you weren’t fucking it for me, ?”
I tremble in his grasp, fresh tears forming as I try to look away.
“Was that not the real you?” he asks, tipping my face so I’m forced to meet his stare. “When you were in my arms, in my bed, was that fake?”
“No,” I whisper.
He lets go and steps back, his hands flying to his head, fingers scrunching his curls. “I love you, . When have I ever done anything to make you doubt that? I’ve fought for us since the moment I laid eyes on you. Why would you think that would change now?”
My chest is so tight, I can’t breathe. He’s right. For almost four years, Zak Aldridge has been a steady constant. He’s never once given me reason to doubt him, even when we were nothing more than friends who flirted at parties. It’s only then, I realize what he just admitted.
“You love me?” I whisper.
Zak laughs, tugging at his bowtie as though it’s attacking him. “Wasn’t it obvious?”
My heart somersaults as I take a shallow breath. “You still love me?”
He finally pulls his bowtie free and throws it into the bushes, unbuttoning his top two buttons and dragging in a deep breath, his chest heaving with the effort. “Yes, Kitty Cat. I still fucking love you. Even though it makes me the dumbest fuck to ever walk the planet.”
My lip trembles and I wrap my arms around myself. Ever since the first day of senior year, I’ve made one bad choice after another. I’ve never had this before. Every year of my life has been filled with good choices and happy memories. Sure, there have been hangovers and fall outs, but nothing like this. This year, I’ve painted myself into a corner, and I wish more than anything I could go back to the start.
If I could, I’d tell my parents I didn’t want to marry Louis. I’d deal with the fallout. It would be awful. Painful. But surely it wouldn’t be worse than this. Nothing could be worse than this. Closing my eyes, I whisper the words I’ve been holding in for as long as I can remember.
“I love you, too.”