Chapter 28
“You are wounded,” Lily said to Killian sometime later as he paced around his study. “You should let me take a look.”
When she drew closer to him, he raised a hand to stop her.
“I need to think,” Killian answered, his throat too tight to make out any other words.
He had just lost his one chance at ending all of this for good, and he could not even protect Richard from their attackers.
It’s my fault… He is dead because of me.
Tears burn his eyelids, but they didn’t fall. Killian couldn’t lift the weight crushing his heart. He rubbed the back of his neck and continued pacing because it was all he could do to stay relaxed.
“Killian…”
He snapped then, growled, and swept off every item on his desk to the ground with one swing of his hands. His lamp broke as it crashed to the ground.
Lily gasped behind him and jerked out of the way. Killian wanted to scream and let out his anger so he could breathe. The one way he could think of doing that was by breaking things.
When he slammed his hands down on the desk again, pain reverberated through him and snapped his muscles into tight knots.
“Killian,” Lily called and moved towards him again.
He felt her soft hands on his arm, and she slowly turned him around to look at her.
Her eyes were soft on his, they offered comfort, but Killian didn’t want to feel at ease. He couldn’t when he kept failing at every task he had taken up as Laird of his clan.
I can’t protect my people. I can’t protect visitors… I can’t find my brother’s killer.
His chest heaved in as he drew in deep, shaky breaths, and his lips pressed into a thin line.
“This is not your fault, Killian. You know that… There’s nothing you could have done.”
Lily’s words whooshed over him, and he could let them ease his aching heart, but he would not do that.
Killian shook his head. “It is my fault,” he answered, his voice tight. “I cannae protect anyone… I cannae…” he trailed off and swallowed hard. “Ye should return to McLennan Castle,” he added without thinking. “I cannae have ye here any longer.”
“Killian…” Lily mumbled, her brows furrowing as she shook her head softly. “Just take a deep breath and—”
“This isnae about takin’ any deep breaths,” Killian yelled, dragging his arm out of her reach so she staggered away from him.
“I dinnae want to stay calm. A man is dead! He died because I brought him here and I couldnae protect him.” His voice thundered louder around them, and he saw her eyes widen.
He couldn’t tell if her expression was from shock or fear, but he needed her to leave his land right now.
I cannae protect her. I willnae put her life at risk.
“Killian—”
“Listen to me, Lily,” Killian roared, stepping towards her so he could grip her shoulders and shake some sense into her. “Listen to me and get out while ye still can. I cannae protect anyone.”
“I am not leaving you,” Lily murmured, shaking her head. Her voice was lower than ever, her skin paler. “You cannot make me.”
“I will have some of my men escort ye out of here and take ye back home. I shall find my brother’s killer, and when I do, I will end him!”
“I want to help you… Killian, do not push me away, please.”
Her pleading tone softened him.
Killian wanted her here. He needed her here.
But what difference do my wants and needs make? My people must come first.
In the end, she would leave anyway, and he could not make her stay.
“Well, I dinnae want yer help,” he snapped before releasing her with force. If he didn’t let go of her right then, he knew he would pull her closer. “I dinnae want ye here anymore… I want ye gone.”
“Liar!” Lily accused him hotly, and he turned to see the fire brimming in her eyes as she held her chin high. “You are only trying to get me to leave you, and it will not work. You cannot make me leave.”
His door burst open before he had the chance to argue with her again. Fletcher marched in looking panicked, his eyes wild, his chest heaving.
“We caught most of them,” Fletcher announced. “I have our men dragging them to the dungeons. We shall make them confess who sent them this time.”
Killian sprang into action immediately.
Fletcher bowed one more time, then left the study before Killian turned to Lily again. The only way to get her to leave was to rip his heart out of his chest.
This is for the best.
Killian drew in a deep breath to steady himself.
“I am coming with you,” Lily declared as he met her gaze and took her in one last time.
He would never see her again after he said these words. He needed her out of here, and the only way to make her leave was to make her believe he truly did not want her.
“Listen to me, Lily,” Killy said, hardening his jaw so his emotions did not get in the way.
When she met his gaze, unflinching, he forced the words out of his lips, ignoring the ache swallowing him whole.
“When I get back from the dungeons, I dinnae want to see ye here. I need ye to take whatever ye need and set out for McLennan Castle. There is naethin’ ye can do for me anymore.
I dinnae need ye to stay here and try to make me feel better when it is yer friend who killed my brother and has killed so many of my people. ”
Lily shook her head, and tears welled up in her eyes. “That is not true.”
“Laird McLennan did this,” Killian continued. “I let ye blind me from the truth, but that willnae happen again. By morning, ye should be gone, or else I will make ye my prisoner again, and this time, there will be no escape.”
Hoping he sounded threatening enough, Killian turned from her, ignoring her muffled sob, before he stormed out of his study.
At the dungeons, Fletcher and his men had begun the interrogations to find out who had sent their attackers. Killian pushed thoughts of Lily out of his mind as he interrogated the men brutally.
“Tell me,” he asked the man in front of him as he held his sword to his neck. “Who sent ye?”
He met the prisoner’s gaze with intent, his anger burning through him as he waited for a response.
“Laird McLennan,” the prisoner answered, coughing hard till his body shook with the convulsions. “He didnae come to us directly, but it was him. All we did was follow his orders.”
“M’laird,” Fletcher called as the prisoner’s words sank in.
Truth was, the confession left Killian’s heart more bereft than ever. He had hoped Lily was right, and her trust was not wrongly placed in a vile man. But every finger pointed at Laird McLennan, even up until now.
He did not want to start a war with the McLennans.
But it’s not just justice for my brother I seek now.
Too many lives had been lost. Killian needed to make sure it was not for nothing.
This is a war I cannot lose.
“What is yer command, m’laird?” Fletcher asked as Killian turned to him, his free hand clenched into a tight fist at his side. His nostrils flared, and he felt the tightness in his muscles reach the corners of his eyes.
“We march for McLennan Castle in a fortnight. We shall bring war to his people just as he has done to ours, and I shall kill him myself. Let him ken we are comin’. I will give him the courtesy he has never bothered to give us.”
Killian turned away after he gave his order and marched out of the dungeons. He faltered in his strides when he saw Lily perched in a corner. Her teary eyes clung to his when he looked at her.
She heard my order.
The ache in his heart paralyzed him. She might never forgive him for his decision, but this was the right thing to do. Laird McLennan had to pay.
Killian stilled his quivering insides, looked away from her, and continued down his path away from the dungeons. He could not think of his pain right now or of Lily.
Thoughts of her would only weaken his resolve. Wanting her would only cloud his judgment. It was best to forget and focus on what was important for now.
A war I cannot lose.