26. Judd
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
judd
“FUCK!” I scream out as I watch Amelia’s car disappear down the street. This is not how I wanted Amelia to find out about my DUI. I grip the back of my hat and rip it off my head. Running my fingers through it and tugging at the ends. Rain beats down on me, soaking me instantly, but I can’t bring myself to care. A horn honks behind me and I realize I’m still standing in the middle of the road. “Fuck,” I mutter out again and jog back to the library.
When I walk back through the door, I notice a couple of the kids have arrived. Julie is talking to Irene while Gladys is getting the first few kids settled. Julie spots me and heads in my direction.
“Judd, I am so sorry. I didn’t know,” she starts, but I hold my hand up to stop her. I look around and motion for Julie to follow me to the office.
Once she’s through the door, I close it behind us. “What the fuck was all of that, Jules?” I hiss out. Grabbing an extra towel off the table, I start to rub it over my head and down my arms, trying to dry myself off a bit.
She shrinks back at the venom in my tone. “What do you mean? I was just asking the questions from my list.”
My fist curls around my hat that’s still in my hand, bending the brim. “My DUI has nothing to do with Amelia’s library program.”
Julie drops her eyes. “No, you’re right, it doesn’t.”
“Then why did you even bring it up?” I seethe.
“I, I guess after I saw how cozy and close you two were, I got jealous, and it just came out. But I swear I didn’t mean to hurt her. I thought she knew.”
I scrub a hand down my face. “Julie, we slept together once, years ago. What you did out there was not only out of place, but it was also unprofessional.”
Julie swallows hard and nods. “I know, Judd. I’m sorry. So, so sorry. Please, what can I do to make this right?”
I shake my head. It’s not all Julie’s fault. I should have told Amelia about what happened, but I also didn’t know that’s what killed her parents. “Just go out there, interview some of the parents. Get all the information you need, pictures, whatever, and write the best damn article you’ve ever written.”
She nods. “Of course. Despite what you may think of me now, I do think this program is a benefit to the community and I’ll do everything I can to see it gets traction and funding to expand.”
I nod. “Thank you.”
She moves back to the door and pauses. “I truly am sorry, Judd. I hope I didn’t ruin things between you and Amelia. You really are a great guy and I wish you nothing but the best.”
I nod, again. Not trusting myself to lash out again.
Once the door closes, I plop down into the chair and lean forward cradling, my head in my hands.
How the fuck am I going to fix this?
A soft knock sounds at the door, and I look up, expecting Julie to walk back through. Instead, Gladys’ face pokes in. “Mind if I come in for a minute?”
I make a move to stand, but Gladys puts her hand on my shoulder, halting me. “Please don’t get up. This won’t take long,” she tells me, leaning against the desk.
Dred fills my stomach. She’s going to tell me I’m not good for Amelia and that I should find a different program.
“I’ve come to know Amelia pretty well in the last five years,” she says. “She may be spicy from time to time, but her heart is in the right place.”
I think back to our first encounter only a few weeks ago and chuckle. Knowing what Gladys is referring to.
“I lost my husband, Peter, the year after Amelia’s program really took off. She was such a blessing to have during that dark time. She made sure I had everything I needed and even took over running the library for me, so I could take time to grieve.”
“I know she’s too good for me,” I tell her before she has a chance to say it.
Gladys frowns. “No, Judd. You’re perfect for her.”
Huh?
“I don’t understand?”
“You’re the calm to her storm. She’s run around here for the last five years, making sure everyone else was taken care of, that she’s never had time to take care of herself. She helped my husband make arrangements to have flowers sent to me every week from my favorite florist, so I would still have fresh flowers long after he was gone because he knew I wouldn’t buy them for myself.” She swipes at her eyes and sniffs. “Anyway, my point is, Amelia has always been the pillar in our storms, standing strong, despite what’s thrown at her. But even strong pillars get battered and beat up after a while. It’s time someone stands beside her and helps bear some of the invisible weight she carries. She’s known more heartache in her short time than most people experience in an entire lifetime.”
“But what if she can’t forgive me? What I did, what happened to her parents.” I stop and shake my head.
Gladys walks over to me and places her hands on each of my cheeks. “You’re her person. It may take time, but she will forgive you. But Judd, you have to forgive yourself too.” She pats one of my cheeks, then moves away to open the door. “Go find our girl, Judd.”
“But what about the kids and dogs?” I ask, standing from my seat.
Gladys waves me off. “We’ve got it handled today. You have something more important to take care of.”
I lean down and give Gladys a hug. She gives me a quick squeeze and pats my back.
“Enough of that. Now get goin’,” she tells me, opening the door.
I leave out the back door again and start jogging down the sidewalk towards our building. The rain is coming down harder, but I don’t care. Because it’s time for me to help Amelia weather the storm and this is the first step.
“Hey, you’ve reached Amelia. Leave me a message and I might remember to get back to you.”
I hit the end button and tap out a text.
Me
Amelia. PLEASE answer your phone.
Read.
Me
or at least text me back to let me know you’re ok.
Read.
Me
I can see you’re reading these. Please, Mills. I just need to know you’re ok.
Read.
Me
I’m sorry.
Read.
I sigh and throw my phone onto the couch. Plopping down beside it and pinching the bridge of my nose to ward off the headache that’s developing. How did everything go to shit so quickly?
My phone starts to vibrate, indicating a call. I scramble to grab it and check the screen, only to feel a wave of disappointment wash over me.
MOM
I want to hit ignore, but the urge to talk to someone wins out. Sometimes a man just needs his mom, and this is one of those times.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, baby. I was just calling to check in and see if maybe you convinced Amelia to join us for Thanksgiving?”
The back of my eyes start to burn at the hopeful tone in her voice.
“It’s just no one should be alone for the holidays, even if they’re okay with it,” she continues. “And I’m going through the final checklist to make sure I have enough food for everyone. Does Amelia even like turkey? It’ll be fine. We have ham too if she doesn’t.”
“Mom,” I choke out, voice cracking.
“Judd, what’s wrong, baby?”
“Mom, I, we, she. I fucked up, Mom,” I finally get out.
She doesn’t chastise me for my language like she normally would, just asks me to tell her what happened.
It takes me some time to get through the story of what happened at the library, but I eventually do and when I finish, she’s quiet.
“Mom?”
“I’m here, Juddson, just processing what you’ve told me.”
Juddson, she used my full name, which only happens when she’s mad or disappointed in me.
Fucking great.
I’m just letting people down left and right.
“Do you think I’m a bad person, too?”
“Oh, honey, no. You’re not a bad person, you just made a bad decision. You are human and humans are allowed to make mistakes. Was your mistake worse than some? Yes, but the important thing is you learned from it and have grown tremendously since then.”
“What if she never forgives me?”
Mom sighs. “Then you grieve what you had and try to move forward, but I hope you don’t have to.”
I can’t lose her. “But she’s my person.”
“I know. I saw it from the moment you walked in with her. The same way I saw it with Kessler and Lucy. Give her some time Judd. Give her some space to sort through all the emotions she’s probably going through. Just let her know you’re still there for her if she needs you.”
She doesn’t want me. I saw the look in her eyes as she was getting into her car. The look of betrayal. She trusted me, let me into her closely guarded heart. And in an instant that trust was destroyed, and I have no clue how I’m going to rebuild it.
It’s been three days since the incident at the library. Three days since I’ve heard from Amelia. Three days since I’ve held her in my arms. The longest three days of my life. I’ve slept on the couch the past three nights because Amelia’s scent is all over my room.
The only thing keeping me from going completely insane is the text Charlie sent me letting me know Amelia was at her place and that she was safe. I asked her how she was doing, and Charlie just told me she needed time to process. I get the feeling I’m not getting the full story from her, and I probably never will, so I have to take what I can get from her for now.
The drive I usually enjoy passes in a blur on my way to my parents’ for Sunday dinner. I almost didn’t go, and I know Mom would have given me a pass, but I decided to go anyway. Maybe being around my family will help cheer me up and bring some normal back to my life. It beats sitting at home in my library that no longer brings me the peace it once did now that Amelia isn’t there. She brought so much life to my sterile apartment, and now it’s just bleak and empty.
I see Kessler and Lucy are already here when I pull into my parents’ driveway. Shutting off my Jeep, I sit in the silence and stare out the windshield at the house I grew up in. I used some of the features of my parents’ house in my own design for my house I hope to build one day. Hoping a little of the magic and love I experienced growing up here would grow in my own home.
A flash of movement from the curtain brings me out of my thoughts. Taking a deep breath, I get out of my Jeep and head inside, kicking off my shoes in the mudroom and opening the adjoining door.
The smell of my mom’s cooking smacks me in the face. But instead of making my mouth water like it usually does, my stomach sours at the smell. I haven’t had much of an appetite since Thursday. I’ve been living off protein bars and toast. Those seem to be the only things I can stomach.
Mom looks up from where she’s chopping vegetables at the counter and sets her knife down when she sees me. Wiping her hands on her apron, she moves to come over to me. I meet her halfway and she envelops me in a hug. I squeeze her tight as she rubs my back like she used to when we were upset or sick as kids. I may sound like a pussy, but I don’t care. I’m heartbroken and need a hug from my mom.
After a few minutes, Mom pulls back and looks up at me, taking my face in her hands. “Have you heard anything?”
I shake my head. “Just the text I got from Charlie.”
“Mmm, it’s only been a few days. Give it some more time,” she says, patting my cheek with one of her hands and moving back into the kitchen.
I don’t really have a choice. Amelia has completely shut me out.
I head into the living room where Lucy and Kessler are, taking a seat on the chair next to the couch.
“Hey, Judd,” Lucy says, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“Hey, Luce. How’s it going?”
She rubs her growing bump. “Fine. Just finalizing details for the wedding with Cass and getting fat. You know, living the dream.”
A corner of my mouth lifts. It’s the most I can muster at this point, but at least it’s something.
“You’re not fat. You’re growing two of my babies, and I wasn’t a small baby. Ask Mom,” Kessler tells her, reaching down and rubbing Lucy’s bump.
“He’s right, dear. I hate to tell you, but he wrecked my vagina with his fat head. Took forever to heal.”
“Ugh, Mom, I did not need to hear that,” Kessler groans at the same time I mutter, “Gross.”
“Oh, grow up you two, it’s a part of life. Kessler, you’re going to see it soon enough.” Mom chastises us from the kitchen.
“Anyway,” Kessler says, changing the subject. “How are you holding up, Judd?”
I lift my shoulders and let them drop. “Fine, I guess.”
“You don’t look fine; you look like someone kicked your dog,” Kessler says.
“I don’t have a dog.”
“I meant if you had a dog.”
The idea I had Thursday before shit hit the fan pops into my head. I dig my phone out of my pocket and unlock it, finding the pictures I took. “Speaking of dogs,” I say, tapping on the screen and turning it to show Lucy and Kessler. “This is Ruby. She’s three and one of the dogs in Amelia’s reading program.” My chest clenches when I say Amelia’s name, but I push the hurt down. “She completely adores kids, actually prefers them over adults. She’s been in the program the longest and is always sad when she has to leave the kids to go back to the shelter.” I know I’m laying it on thick, but I want them to agree with my plan. “I was thinking since Christmas is coming up and Hudson has been bothering you guys for a while about getting a dog…” I trail off.
“You want us to adopt this one?” Lucy asks, not sounding sure, but not shutting me down either.
I nod. “I think she would be perfect. She’s already potty trained. She knows the basic commands. She’s spayed and is up to date on all her shots. Plus, you already know she would be good with kids because she wouldn’t be in the program if she wasn’t. The only thing she has a small issue with is that she’s afraid of men, but she took to me right away, so she could be getting over that.”
“Sounds like you should adopt her,” Kessler says.
“If I didn’t travel so much during the season, I would. But it wouldn’t be fair for me to adopt her, then be gone all the time. Trust me, I’ve thought about it.”
Lucy and Kessler look at each other. Lucy tips her head and shrugs a shoulder.
Kessler turns back to me. “Could Lucy and I meet her first? We’d feel better about saying yes if we knew she would be ok with us.”
I nod my head enthusiastically. “Absolutely, I can give you Jeremy’s contact information and you can schedule a time with him.”
“We’re not saying yes until we visit, so don’t get your hopes up,” Kessler warns.
“I know. I’m just happy you’re considering it. She deserves a home.”
I look over at Lucy, and she gives me a wink. I smile for the first time in days. If Lucy has anything to say about it, and she does, Ruby will have a home for Christmas.
Finally, one thing is going right.