21
People stared at me and whispered as I walked to classes the following day. Having thought about the situation with Theo while getting ready for classes in the morning, I’d taken my earbuds with me. On the way to my first class, and on the way to every subsequent class, I listened to music. Blocking out the stares and whispers was what I decided was the best course of action. I’d said my piece on Peepers the night before, set things straight, and there was nothing else I could do. I had no control over what people felt or thought otherwise, so I wasn’t going to pay attention to it.
Instead of focusing on the things I didn’t have control over, I went into tunnel vision mode. In classes, I zeroed in on my professors, having only eyes and ears for them. I barely noticed the stares and whispers, blocking out almost all of it. Between classes, I focused on the music and lyrics pouring from my earbuds, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. If someone attempted to speak to me, I pretended I didn’t see or hear them.
Even with my resolve to ignore everyone at Midway besides my professors, I couldn’t ignore the one person who could get past my defenses.
Me.
What Collin had said the night before in our dorm kept echoing through my brain.
Though the things Ben had said about Theo and me were a complete fabrication—I was definitely not a jilted lover—he actually was. Being mad about him assuming things about our friendship was valid. However, I couldn’t completely paint Ben as a villain if I thought about things from an empathetic viewpoint. Regardless of the lack of truth in his video about Theo and me, he had every right to hold a grudge against Theo.
When a person is betrayed by a loved one, it’s easy to see why they may lash out. Even after a lot of time has passed since the betrayal. Regardless of what was said in Ben’s video, the fact remained that he had every right to hate Theo. I couldn’t hold that against him. The only thing I could truly be mad about was that I’d been dragged into their feud. I was collateral damage and I’d done nothing to be deserving of it. Ben’s feud was with Theo, not me.
I could be upset for myself, but I also couldn’t stop myself from feeling the tiniest bit sad for Ben. It was obvious the guy was aching and lashing out.
Did it still make what he did right?
No.
Could I see why he’d done what he did?
Yes.
Suddenly, I found myself relieved that I hadn’t said anything disparaging about Ben in my Peepers video. His name had never even crossed my lips. I’d addressed the misinformation, set the record straight about mine and Theo’s friendship, and moved on.
Ben was still free to feel however he felt about his and Theo’s falling out, but I had been able to give the truth and remove myself from their arsenal of weapons. Of course, Theo had never used me as a tool in his feud—that had completely been Ben’s doing.
But I kept going back to the fact that Ben had been acting out of hurt and anger. And I somehow couldn’t blame the guy. I’d never really had a boyfriend—someone I expected to stay faithful to me. I’d had a few flings with guys in high school and in my freshman year at Midway. Other than that, I’d been single my entire life. I had no idea how Ben felt about the betrayal, but as a human being with feelings, I could draw the conclusion that it sucked.
Regardless of how upset I was about being involved in the drama I had to admit that my new friend kind of deserved some of it. Of course, I felt that after several months, it was beginning to be childish that they were still feuding about it. Especially publicly on a social media platform to an audience of millions. Then again, I was neither the offender nor the offended. Who was I to say what was appropriate?
Finally, as I was leaving my final class of the day at noon, I firmly decided that since I was no longer part of the equation, I was going to erase it from my mind. Theo and I were friends. We could always be friends. But I had to keep it clear in my mind that the hate he was getting from Ben was not entirely unreasonable.
People make mistakes and hurt people. Even the people we like a lot—or even love—can be shitty at times. We can’t absolve them of their guilt or forgive them on behalf of the person they upset. We can only be there for them and help them be better people moving forward, and hope that them and the person they hurt can come to a place of forgiveness and acceptance at some point.
So, that’s what I was going to do. Be Theo’s friend, and keep myself out of the feud.
I didn’t eat in the dining hall after my last class. The looks and whispers were not something I was quite ready to deal with, even considering my stance on the situation. So, I got a to-go burger and fries, a soda, and a slice of chocolate cake, and headed back to my dorm to do my homework. Collin hadn’t returned after storming out the night before, so I was fairly certain he would still be gone when I returned after classes. Hopefully, our brief, but intense, spat had sent him back to Dylan’s for the foreseeable future.
When I returned to the dorm room and found it empty and dark, I heaved a sigh of relief. Getting to remove my earbuds and return to a world of silence was practically orgasmic. I laid my phone and earbuds on the desk, along with my to-go container from the dining hall, and slung my bag off of my shoulder and onto the floor next to my desk chair. I’d barely kicked off my shoes and was sliding out of my jeans and into basketball shorts when someone knocked at the door.
Pulling my shorts up quickly, I dashed to the door and pulled it open.
“Hey.”
Theo was standing outside my door, a crooked grin on his face.
“Oh,”
I said. “Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
Theo asked quickly.
Looking up and down the hall at passing students who were shooting glances our way and whispering to each other, I ushered Theo inside. He darted into my room as I closed the door quickly behind him. I waved an arm at the bed and he tentatively sat down. I flopped into my desk chair and spun to face him.
“I’m fine,”
I said finally. “How are you?”
“Good,”
he said, smiling cautiously. “Great even.”
I cocked an eyebrow at him. “You don’t have to act brave.”
Theo gave me a curious look.
“It’s okay if you need a shoulder to cry on,”
I said. “I get it. People have been staring all day and—”
“Why haven’t you answered my texts?”
Theo asked. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all day. I even messaged you on Peepers.”
I stopped, wondering what Theo was talking about. I hadn’t gotten a single text all morning. When it finally dawned on me that I hadn’t taken my phone off of airplane mode since the night before, I reached up and slapped myself on the forehead. I yanked my phone from the desk and toggled airplane mode so it was back on the network and internet.
A flood of notifications immediately began to pour through.
Grinning up at Theo sheepishly, I shrugged.
“I put my phone on airplane mode last night and forgot,”
I said as my phone vibrated nonstop in my hand.
He grinned. “Dork.”
Glancing down at my phone again, I saw the stack of banners from Peepers. And the stack of text message notification banners. And the stack of missed phone call notifications. I set my phone back on the desk, facedown.
“Give me the abbreviated version,”
I said. “Because I am not going through all of those notifications again.”
Theo grinned. “Well, uh, Ben has turned off notifications to all of his videos. And deleted the one about that guy giving me his number.”
“What?”
“People were flaming him in his comments, calling him a liar, shit-stirrer, drama queen—all kinds of stuff. Telling him to stop harassing you and me,”
Theo said, unable to keep the grin off of his face. “He tried fighting them in the comments, but everyone kept tagging him in the video you made, proving that what he said in his video was wrong. So…he deleted it and turned off his comments.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,”
Theo said. “I texted you last night to thank you for making the video. Lots of people are apologizing in my comments, sending me cool messages, that kind of thing. I tried to text you this morning and again a few hours ago, but you didn’t respond. I thought…I thought you were mad.”
I shrugged. “No, I’m not mad.”
Theo eyed me for a moment. “But?”
“I’m annoyed,”
I said, looking up at him.
“With me?”
“No,”
I said. “No, not you. Not really. You’re just part of the equation. I’m annoyed that someone can just make some video, put it on the internet, and ruin someone’s life without any truth whatsoever to anything they said in the video. And people just believe it. They don’t even ask questions—they just jump on the bandwagon. It’s frustrating as shit.”
Theo chuckled darkly.
“Welcome to my world,” he said.
I shot him an annoyed frown.
“It’s not funny, man,” I said.
Theo cleared his throat. “I know. But sometimes all I can do is laugh or I’ll cry.”
I sat back in the chair and groaned, looking up at the ceiling.
“I simultaneously want to punch that smarmy fucker in the face—”
“Ben?”
“—yeah. But also, I can’t help but feel sorry for him.”
I finished. “I mean, what he did was wrong, but also, we have to kind of understand, right?”
“Why do you say that?”
Theo frowned at me.
With a sigh, I sat up to face him again.
“Look, I wasn’t lying when I said I’ve never Google’d you or looked you up on the internet,”
I said and Theo gave me a quick nod. “But the first time I saw you on campus, it was because Collin pointed you out. He told me about what happened between you and Ben. You…cheating on him and stuff. And you kind of alluded to it before.”
Theo looked down at his lap.
“I can’t be mad at him for being mad at you. For being bitter and lashing out,”
I explained. “I’m mad he dragged me into it, but I get it, you know? Even if it seems it’s time for him to move on.”
Theo nodded gently.
“I knew what had happened and still chose to try and befriend you,”
I said. “So, I guess I should have known that there was some baggage there. I shouldn’t be sitting here acting innocent and shocked that some of the fallout landed on me, you know? I’m frustrated and mad and empathetic and annoyed and tired.”
I couldn’t help but laugh.
“And I’m sorry,”
I said. “I’m sorry you’re still going through this. I’m sorry that anyone is still feeling hurt and betrayed and feels the need to keep picking at the scabs. But I can’t make myself get really mad about all of it, all things considered, and that just annoys me more.”
Theo laughed lowly with me.
“You don’t hate me?”
he asked quietly, still looking at his lap.
“No,”
I said emphatically. “Not at all.”
“You still want to be my friend?”
He looked up, his eyes misty.
“Of course,”
I said, smiling at him. “I just need to feel my feelings for right now.”
He nodded.
“Do you think I’m a bad person?” he asked.
I eyed him for a moment.
“I think even the best people make mistakes,”
I said. “And they should be allowed to atone for them. But that doesn’t mean the person or people they hurt don’t have the right to be mad for as long as they want. People aren’t required to forgive or forget. So, yes, we’re still great friends. Best friends. But I get the other side of this, too, you know?”
Theo stared at me for a moment, then slowly gave me a nod.
“I’m gonna go do my homework,”
he said softly as he motioned at my desk. “You look like you’re ready to eat, so I’ll get out of your hair. But maybe later we can hang out or something?”
“Of course,”
I said, reaching out to grab his hand as he passed by. “I’m really not mad at you. I promise. You’re still my best friend. Nothing has changed. Just give me time to process, okay? I’ll text you after I go see Arthur later.”
Theo smiled down at me and squeezed my hand.
“Okay.”
And then he left. I stared at the door for a few moments, then spun in my chair, popped open my to-go container, and ate my room temperature burger and fries.