23
As if Christmas with family isn’t difficult enough, there’s the time-honored tradition of your mother picking out underwear and socks for you for the following year. Not to sound ungrateful, but after I turned eighteen, I began to have feelings about my mother knowing not only the size of underwear I needed, but that I also preferred the ones with a pouch and moisture-wicking technology. It might just be me, but I feel that, at my age, my mother doesn’t need to know that much about what’s going on inside my pants.
Regardless, getting a ton of free underwear and comfy socks at Christmas time still made me happy. One less thing to worry about dealing with each year, and it was free. That was two of my favorite things in one. As the embarrassment at having your mother give you underwear at Christmas increases each year, so does the appreciation at getting such practical gifts. It’s a paradox.
Socks and underwear weren’t the only good part about Christmas. Mom and Dad always made sure I got plenty of fun gifts as well. Even though I’d never be a kid again, I was always their son. So, making sure I experienced a little Christmas magic each year was important to them. I got a new set of earbuds, which I desperately needed as mine were beginning to die after two years of use. A new phone case with a rainbow pattern was included in my gifts. The rainbow was for me, the case was for my parents. Making sure I didn’t break a phone they’d have to replace brought them some peace of mind while I was away.
I also got a wad of cash and plenty of chocolates and other treats to take back to Midway with me at the end of the holiday.
Other than gifts, I was treated to Mom’s home cooking every day and the big Christmas supper she made yearly. Ham, turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, dressing, cheesy broccoli and cauliflower casserole, homemade cranberry sauce, macaroni and cheese, fluffy dinner rolls, and plenty of pie was our yearly feast—and we all ate until we were sick. Then we ate on the leftovers in the following days.
I got to spend time with Dad taking care of the animals and doing the winter chores around the place during the day. Even though the farm settled in for a bit of a hibernation period in the winter months, there was still plenty to do. I helped Mom do some winter clean up around the house and organize the canned foods in the cellar, making sure she wasn’t holding onto anything expired.
Even with the work, going home for Christmas each year and spending two weeks with my family between semesters at Midway was always a welcome respite. Taking my mind off of the daily mind-numbing fixation of keeping up with my work and grades was a relief. Getting away from the noise and bustle of university life helped my mind to slow down. Being back on the farm with people I knew who loved me and cared about me made the rest of the year feel less lonely. Especially recently.
Though I knew I had plenty of friends and acquaintances at Midway, Theo and Arthur were my only true friends as of late. I only got to see Arthur once a week, though, and Theo was a newer friend. Mom and Dad had known me for twenty-one years and Evie had known me for her whole life. It’s hard to find other people out in the world who can tolerate you for as long as good family can. Even if you do miss your friends.
So, after the two weeks at home, I was both excited to start a new semester at school, but sad to leave my family. Packing up to head back to Midway was a laborious chore. On the second of January, I found myself up in my freezing room in the house, slowly folding and packing my clean clothes in my bag. Mom had washed everything for me, even though I’d insisted I could do it myself, so gathering all of my belongings—and finding space for my gifts—was all I had to do.
The sun had long set, dinner was complete, and everyone was settling down for bedtime. With just the desk lamp on, the cold room felt like a cave. A glance out the window told me that it was snowing again. The drive back to Midway would be slow going in the morning, but the snow wasn’t so heavy as to cause great concern. The cold and darkness made me feel more alone than I’d felt in a long time. My thoughts flashed back to Theo’s comments during our Christmas visit with Arthur. I found myself missing Theo more than I had for the entire two weeks I’d been home visiting family.
As much amused by the sudden thought as I was concerned, I wasn’t certain I knew why I missed Theo so much. I’d never missed Collin as much when I was home visiting during school breaks and holidays over the previous years. It made me wonder if I’d never really thought of Collin as a real friend—something inside of me had been telling me all along that Collin was a seasonal friend. I had simply been too slow to figure it out until junior year.
“You look like you’ve got a thought,”
Mom’s voice came from my bedroom door.
I didn’t bother to turn.
“You’d be surprised how often I think,” I said.
She chuckled and stepped into the room, shuffling over to my bed in her fuzzy house slippers. As I piled clothes in my duffel that was laid on one end, she sat at the other end and watched me. When I didn’t immediately say anything else, she grabbed the bundle of socks by my bag and began folding them.
“Are you excited to get back to school?”
she asked as she worked.
I made a noncommittal sound with my throat and gave a half-hearted shrug.
“Well,”
she said, “don’t let life get you too riled up.”
“It’s just another semester,”
I said. “I mean, yeah. I’ll be glad to see my friends again. Start new stuff in classes and whatnot.”
“You’ll get to see Theo again,”
Mom said casually.
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to see him over Christmas,”
she added. “But I suppose his parents didn’t want him skipping out on two major holidays.”
“His mom and dad were supposed to be home for Christmas, so he thought it would be best to go home.”
“Makes sense,”
she said, tossing the folded socks at my bag for me to pack. “I know I’d be beside myself if you didn’t come home for the holidays.”
“I’d never do that to you!”
I exclaimed dramatically.
Mom rolled her eyes at me, though she wasn’t unamused. I reached over and nudged her shoulder playfully and went back to packing my bag.
“Though,”
Mom said, breaking the silence, “I suppose I’ll gave to get used to it. One day, maybe you and Theo will visit his parents at the holidays and I’ll have to deal with it, I suppose.”
With a raised eyebrow, I turned my head to stare down at her.
“What?”
she asked. “You both can’t always come here for every holiday. That would be rude to his mom and dad.”
“Mom,”
I said, throwing my socks in my bag and zipping it up, “it’s not like that. Theo and I are friends. He came here at Thanksgiving because his parents wouldn’t be home and he was going to be at school alone otherwise. That’s it.”
Mom gave me a disbelieving look.
“What?”
I threw my hands up lazily. “Why is that so hard to believe?”
She shrugged one shoulder casually.
“Just the way he looked at you when you weren’t paying attention, I suppose,”
Mom said. “And the glances you stole his way when you thought no one was paying attention. Maybe you’re friends now, but—”
“And we’ll be friends forever,”
I cut her off with a nervous laugh. “Stop trying to make our relationship something it isn’t.”
I pushed my bag back and sat down on the bed next to her. Mom kept her head turned, staring at me until I was uncomfortable. I clasped my hands in my lap and looked down at them. In my heart of hearts, I wondered if Mom wasn’t right in some way.
“Do you remember when you had that little crush on that boy Christopher in ninth grade?”
Mom leaned to bump her shoulder against mine playfully.
“Stop,”
I said, pushing her away gently with a laugh. “Don’t remind me.”
“You were over the moon about that boy!”
she cackled. “Loved him something fierce.”
“I was fourteen,”
I said. “I had no idea what love was. It was…well, lust. I guess I’m old enough to say that to my mother now.”
She laughed.
“Well, you were still smitten, no matter what it was about,”
Mom said. “Oh, my gosh. When he let you down—my heart just broke for you. God love him for being kind about it, but you sulked for months! I never thought you’d be the same.”
“Okay,”
I said. “Maybe I did think I loved him. It hurt. You happy now?”
Mom studied me for a moment.
“No,”
she said finally. “Because you haven’t tried to love anybody since then. And there’re lots of boys out there. Lots of ‘em cuter and funnier and nicer than Christopher. And they actually also like boys, unlike Christopher. But you’ve been ignoring all of ‘em. Why?”
“I’m not ignoring them,”
I said defensively. “I’ve been busy with school and—”
“Josh,”
Mom reached over and took my hand, “I’m proud of you and your good grades. But life is more than school. Everyone needs someone to love and love them back. And that’s coming from a teacher.”
“I don’t love—”
“You’ve been unlike yourself for two weeks,”
Mom said gently. “I can see it in your eyes. You miss Theo. You’ve been checking your phone a million times a day, staring off at nothing when you think no one is paying attention, being quieter than usual—something’s weighing heavy on your heart. And I think it’s that boy.”
“Can we stop saying ‘boy’?”
I asked quietly. “Can we say man? Or guy? I’m twenty-one and you’re making this sound creepy.”
She laughed loudly and slapped at my knee. “You’ll always be my boy, though!”
“Well, that’s fine, but, you know.”
“Fine.”
She waved me off. “You miss Theo. So, I don’t know why you haven’t called or texted him this entire holiday. It’s like you’re forcing yourself to not admit you miss him.”
I shrugged. “He’s texted me a few times. I’ve texted back.”
“But you’re not making much effort,”
Mom said. “You’re holding back.”
I sighed.
“What is it?”
she asked.
“Theo’s great,”
I said. “Okay? I like him a lot. And yeah, I miss him. I just…I don’t want to get my heart broken again. Not right now. And…starting something with Theo will get my heart broken. That’s all. Maybe after school is over and—”
“How are you so psychic you know it won’t work out?”
Mom cut me off. “He seems like a perfectly lovely b—person.”
I grinned at her. “Thanks.”
She nodded.
“Because,”
I said, wringing my hands in lap, unsure of how much I should share with my mother, “he…he cheated on his last boyfriend. It’s a big thing on Peepers—it’s been a big scandal. It’s kind of died off now, but you know. He’s a great friend, but obviously not a great boyfriend.”
“I see.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance,”
I said. “But that doesn’t mean I have to be the one to give it to them.”
“Of course you don’t.”
“So,”
I said, “he’s my friend. That’s the best we can do, all things considered.”
“Sure,”
Mom said. “That makes sense.”
“Stop it,”
I grumbled at her. “You’re being completely reasonable, and that’s not like you.”
Laughing, Mom asked, “Did Theo say he cheated on his boyfriend?”
“He—”
I stopped, suddenly unsure of how to answer that question. Mom stared at me for a moment, waiting for an answer. When none came out of my mouth, she continued.
“Who said he cheated on his boyfriend?”
Mom asked.
“His ex-boyfriend,”
I said slowly.
“Mmm.”
Mom looked off thoughtfully. “Is this that person that accused him of cheating on you and you had to make that video your sister told me about?”
I shot her a frown.
“Evie’s always in everyone’s business.”
Mom shrugged.
“Get her off Peepers for God’s sake,”
I whined. “But yes.”
“Sounds like he might get his facts confused sometimes, doesn’t it?”
Mom said casually. “Maybe you should have a conversation with Theo?”
With that, Mom stood from the bed, turned and leaned down to kiss me on top of the head.
“Don’t stay up too late,”
she said quietly. “I’ll have breakfast ready by seven so you can get on the road early. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
Mom kissed the top of my head again and shuffled over to the door. She grabbed the knob and pulled it closed behind her. As she closed it, she ducked her head in at the last moment.
“Love you. Goodnight.”
“Love you. Goodnight,”
I said back.
Then she shut the door and I was left with thoughts that I knew would keep me up, regardless of Mom’s request to get a decent night’s sleep.