28
Leaving Arthur at Spice House and getting back to the dorm, the last thing I’d expected to find was Collin sitting at his work desk, writing in a notebook.
Especially since it was beginning to get dark outside and he’d been spending every night with Dylan, as far as I knew. A duffel bag was on the mattress of his bed that had been stripped bare since he’d last been in our room. His backpack was beside his chair at the desk, unzipped, baring the books and school supplies inside. As I entered the room and caught sight of Collin, I slammed the door behind me, my mood instantly changing.
Smartly, Collin spun in his chair to face me. If the sound of the slamming door hadn’t tipped him off that keeping his back to me was a bad idea, the sound of my voice should have done the trick. Without thinking, I glowered over at him, my hands balling into fists at my side.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” I barked.
Glowering at Collin, I expected him to shout back. I expected my former best friend to tell me that he had every right to be in the room since, technically, it was also his room. By refusing to use it while I was present, his rights weren’t negated. That’s not how university housing worked—especially when it came to the dorms. Collin barking back that I needed to mind my business was what I anticipated as I loomed menacingly by the doorway.
What I got surprised me.
“I…I came to apologize,”
Collin said sheepishly. “When I showed up and you weren’t here, I sat down and started on some homework to wait on you.”
Unable to formulate a response, due to both my anger and surprise, I simply stared back at him, my hands clenching at my sides.
Collin’s eyes dropped to look at my clenching fists, and he held up his hands defensively.
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch!”
he exclaimed, his voice rising to a squeal. “I’m really, really sorry, Josh!”
“You should be,”
I said, my voice gravelly.
“I know, I know,”
Collin whined as his hands lowered. “I’ve been thinking about it, and—”
“You sent pictures of Theo and me to that fuckface even though you knew we weren’t really dating until recently,”
I said. “I don’t give a shit what you say about what you thought and didn’t think, you know we weren’t dating until recently. I never lied about that. You know it.”
Collin’s eyes dropped and the corners of his mouth turned downward pitifully.
“I thought you were lying at first,”
he said softly, then continued before I could respond. “I was wrong. It’s just that—”
“Why?”
I demanded. “Tell me why you even thought that! Tell me why it was any of your business anyway! Tell me why you told Ben of all people! Tell me why, no matter your reasons, you invaded my privacy like that and sent him pictures of us. I mean, the one by the bookstore, whatever, but you snuck in here and took a picture of us in my bed sleeping. Do you know how fucking creepy that is, Collin? How invasive and underhanded that is?”
“I know,”
he said, looking down.
“Even if I had been lying, and Theo and I had been dating all along, this is my room. My safe space. And you violated it. Just to prove a point to…I don’t know who!”
“I know.”
“And for what?”
I continued. “What did you get out of it, Collin? Do you feel special now? Popular? Is Ben your bestie now? Is that what this was about? Looking cool or something?”
“No,”
he said. “That’s not—”
“Because people on Peepers are over it, to be honest with you,”
I said, throwing my hands up. “This shit is getting old. Not to their credit, of course. The people who were watching Ben’s drama online aren’t actually sick of Theo getting picked on, it’s just gotten old to them. They’ve moved on from the fact those two were together and the whole cheating scandal. It’s old news.”
Collin was nodding, looking down at his lap.
“So,”
I said, “was it worth screwing a friend over?”
“I didn’t mean to screw you over,”
he said quietly. “I was protecting you.”
“Protecting me?”
I growled. “From what?”
“Theo was going to break your heart!”
Collin looked up, pleading with me. “I was protecting you from getting hurt!”
“Here’s a goddamn bulletin for you, Collin,”
I explained, “since you’re not listening. You couldn’t have been protecting me because we weren’t even dating when you did what you did. You know that. And then, once we were dating, you are the reason I got hurt. Because now Theo won’t talk to me because he’s afraid of hurting me further. Fuck you!”
With the final barked insult, I marched over to my bed, sat down roughly, and stared at my lap. My fight was gone with Collin. I had nothing else I could say to him. Nothing worth saying, anyway. Being betrayed and violated by a best friend is, surprisingly, exhausting. When I’d started to lay into Collin about the shitty things he’d done—for all the wrong reasons—I’d expected to be screaming at him until the sun went down. Maybe until the sun came back up.
I simply didn’t have it in me.
Between having Theo ignoring me, refusing to talk to me, the internet giving their opinions about my life, a psycho-ex refusing to move on with his life, and my former best friend screwing me over, I was simply too tired. Throwing school and the rest of life’s responsibilities on top of it, I seriously couldn’t help but wonder if three days in bed wasn’t out of the question.
For several moments, we sat in silence. Collin was wringing his hands in his lap, shooting me sporadic looks. I was staring at my lap, but keeping him in the corner of my vision, as if I expected an actual attack at any moment. After all he’d done, I simply couldn’t trust Collin anymore. It crossed my mind that if he was planning to stay in our room again, I might have to go to Student Relations and demand a room transfer or even demand a new roommate. I had no idea if they’d even entertain such a thing so late in the year, but sleeping a few yards away from someone like Collin each night was something I was fairly certain I couldn’t do anymore.
Knowing he’d had a key over the last several months, even when he wasn’t staying in our room, was enough to give me the creeps. Especially since I knew, at the minimum, he’d taken a picture of Theo and me asleep in my bed. Though I had no evidence of any other wrong doing, my mind swirled with ideas about what else he might have done in the middle of the night when I was unconscious and unaware. Had he taken things from Theo or me? What other pictures might he have on his phone?
“Listen.”
Collin broke the silence, though his voice was barely above a whisper. “Josh. Everyone’s told me that Theo and you are barely even talking to each other. He’s barely even making videos for Peepers. And I’ve seen all the comments online. I know I overstepped.”
“Yeah?”
I asked. “No shit.”
Collin sighed.
“I’m really sorry.”
“Do you think that I’m going to forgive you that easily?”
I asked. “Or at all? What could you possibly say that will make me get over what you’ve done, Collin?”
“No,”
Collin said, pleading with me, “no. I came here to apologize today, yeah. But also, I talked to Ben, and—”
“I don’t give a—”
“—and I told him what was going on was wrong.”
Collin kept me from interrupting. “I told him he needed to get over what happened with Theo and move on. Do something else with his channel, right? I told him I wasn’t going to give him any more pictures or details about you and Theo. Because, obviously, I was wrong. I got myself so twisted up in my head, thinking about how I was protecting you, but that was stupid.”
“You think?”
“All because I got wrapped up in the online drama.”
Collin shook his head. “I got obsessed with those little nuggets of drama Ben was feeding everyone, and thought that I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t. And I’m sorry.”
“Again,”
I said, leveling him with his eyes, “why do you think I would ever forgive you just because you said you’re sorry?”
“I don’t expect you to,”
Collin said. “But that’s not the only reason I came here.”
“Then what else is there?” I asked.
“I came here to,”
Collin began, thought for a second, as though unsure of himself, then started again, “convince you to talk to Theo. Call him. Tell him that you want to talk to him about everything, and once you guys work things out, I want to apologize to him. Tell him that I convinced Ben to drop all the shit, and that you guys can make up, keep dating, and I’ll apologize once you’ve worked out things between each other.”
I stared at Collin.
“Why would you do that?”
I asked, suspicious. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
Collin gave me a meek look.
“Because everyone has been ragging on me long enough about hating on you that I finally started to think about what was really going on,”
Collin said, sheepishly.
Whatever I’d expected Collin to say, I hadn’t expected it to be that he was actually confronted with his own stupidity. I’d expected him to say something ridiculous, like our friendship meant more than the betrayal, or that forgiveness was a virtue. I’d expected him to plea to any goodness I held inside of me. When he responded with the fact that he had examined his own shortcomings, I suddenly realized that he might be sincere in his desire to atone for what he’d done.
“I’ll go,”
Collin said quickly. “I’m going to leave my books and stuff, but I’ll go to Dylan’s tonight. You can have the room to talk to Theo and talk it all out, and I’ll come back tomorrow and apologize once you text me and give me the all clear. I won’t interfere in any way. I swear.”
Contemplating whether or not to trust Collin, I realized that no matter how I felt about whether or not I wanted to be friends with him ever again, I did need to talk to Theo. I’d promised Arthur that I would try to talk to Theo about everything. Knowing now that Collin was sorry and was going to stop spying on us, and that Ben was going to stop harassing Theo, and that everyone on Peepers was worn out on the drama, there was no better time.
Maybe if Theo knew all of those things, he’d be more willing to talk.
“Okay,”
I said. “I’ll try to talk to Theo.”
Collin gave me a cautious smile.
“Good,”
he said finally. “I’ll go, okay? You…do what you need to do with Theo.”
Collin rose from his desk chair and grabbed his lanyard, leaving his pile of school supplies on his desk, and the bag by his chair.
“Text me tomorrow, okay?”
he asked as he grabbed his duffel off the bed. “And if you give me the all clear, I’ll meet you guys to give him a sincere apology, okay? Even if you guys don’t accept it, that’s the least I can do.”
The very fucking least, I thought to myself.
I didn’t say it.
There’d been enough meanness over the last several months.
“Okay,”
I said simply.
Collin walked to the door and I pulled my phone from my pocket. Standing in the open door, Collin turned, and I looked up. He started to say something, thought better of it, and gave me a smile. Then he shut the door behind him.
For a moment, I found myself staring down at my phone, but I knew there was no point in delaying the inevitable. Either Theo would hear me out, or he’d ignore me. So, I opened my text app and composed a quick, to-the-point message.
I’ve talked to Collin and he has apologized. He wants to apologize to you tomorrow if you will listen. He said he’s talked to Ben and convinced him to stop harassing you. I miss you and want to talk to you. If you still like me and miss me, please come talk to me.
I stared at the words, then smiled before adding a final thought at the end.
Arthur says we need to talk to each other. I don’t want to disappoint him.
Then I sent the message. Less than ten seconds later, the bubble with three dots popped up and began jiggling in the lower right-hand corner of the text box.
OK. Are you in your room?
Smiling gratefully down at my phone, I responded back as quickly.
Yep.
A second later, Theo’s response came.
I’ll be down in a minute.
I gave him a thumb’s up emoji and left it at that. I leaned over and set my phone on the bedside table, then laid my hands in my lap, clutching them together as I waited. My wait was short-lived. Ten seconds later, the door swung open and I looked up expectantly. When I saw Collin standing there, the duffel still slung over his shoulder, I sagged.
“Sorry,”
he said quickly. “I forgot something. I’ll be quick!”
“Okay,”
I responded.
I continued staring at my lap, wringing my hands as Collin banged around on his desk for a second. Then, as quickly as he came, he was headed back to the door.
“Sorry,”
he said again. “I’m going. Good luck with Theo. Whenever you talk to him.”
I looked up.
“He’s on his way,” I said.
Collin gave me a tight smile.
“Okay. I’ll get out of the way,”
he said. “I really am sorry. Again.”
I nodded, and with that, he dashed back out the door, the duffel swinging on his shoulder.