29
When the clicking of the door shutting didn’t sound through the room, my eyes shot to the door once again. An arm was stuck through the door, stopping it from closing. As he pushed it open, Theo peeked his head in sheepishly, giving me a small grin. Without willing it, a smile bloomed on my face as Theo came into the room, slipping inside quickly, letting the door click shut behind him. It was obvious that he was trying to keep anyone in the hallway from seeing inside my room and the two of us together. I wanted to be bothered by it, but I couldn’t even force myself.
After the last month, I understood why Theo was doing everything he could to avoid any drama at any cost. Even with people mostly saying nice things about him—and us—online, and defending him against Ben, it was overwhelming. Though I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the desire to be an influencer, famous, and part of the zeitgeist for a particular community, I realized that it was more than simple work. It was an all-consuming method of making money where there was no clocking in or out. Every minute of your life became work.
Mitigating the pressure was all Theo could do at times. Taking personal offense to his efforts was somewhat cruel on my part. At the very least, it meant that I wasn’t trying to understand how he felt when he tried to be low-key.
“Hi,”
he said, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair.
I didn’t know if he was trying to pat it down or it was a nervous gesture. His hair, as always, had a stylish chaos to it, so patting it down didn’t do it any favors.
“Hi,”
I replied.
He stood there, staring at me sitting on the edge of the bed, neither of us sure where to start.
“Well,”
he said, breaking the silence as he tentatively shuffled over, “Collin took off down the hall like his ass was on fire when he saw me.”
Theo sat down next to me on the bed, leaving enough space between us to be clear about his intentions, but close enough to not make things more awkward. I chuckled at his comment as my mind spun, thinking of how to begin the conversation that needed to happen.
I wanted to blurt all of my feelings out to Theo, about how I missed him, wanted to keep dating, and that my heart was broken not seeing him every day. Telling him that seemed psychotic in the moment since I’d been so reticent to even consider him as anything more than a friend in the past. Suddenly telling him that our relationship meant so much to me might make him think I couldn’t regulate my own emotions. Or that I had been playing games with his.
Telling him that I felt like he was being ridiculous about avoiding the drama surrounding his previous relationship with Ben was on the tip of my tongue. Saying such a thing felt as though I was being dismissive of his feelings, though. I had no idea what it felt like to be Theo. One could argue that having chosen to be an influencer, Theo had brought things on himself, but that was reductive of the situation, too. Signing up to be semi-famous was not the same as agreeing to let people make up lies about you, spread lies about you, or simply treat you with disrespect. Theo’s choice to be an influencer shouldn’t mean he was less deserving of the basic human dignity afforded everyone else.
Suggesting that he ignore what people were saying and doing also felt dismissive. I’d had my share of people whispering, pointing, and staring. Not to the level Theo had experienced, but that was the point. Even a fraction of what he dealt with overwhelmed me to the point that I didn’t want to spend time around people. Simply being known as Theo’s friend, and then boyfriend, was enough to make me nervous around people. So, suggesting that the situation was something one could ignore would be a completely ignorant take.
But I had to say something.
“I miss you,” I said.
The truth seemed best.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Theo smile. He didn’t hesitate. Reaching over, he took my hand from my lap and twined his fingers through mine, holding our hands on his knee.
“I miss you a lot,”
he said. “Josh, I—”
“Theo,”
I said, stopping him as I turned to prop a knee up on the bed between us, still holding his hand, “I just want you to know that I don’t give a fuck what people are saying online. Whatever weird lies they want to make up, that’s fine with me. I’m a big boy and don’t need you protecting me from it. Okay?”
Theo was frowning and looking down at our hands, though he didn’t look upset with me. He seemed to be considering what I was saying.
“I talked to Arthur,”
I said,” and he made a good point. People are going to talk whether we are together or not. So, which way are we happiest?”
Theo looked up at me then and gave me a soft smile.
“I know which way I’m happiest,”
I said. “And I think you feel the same. That’s what I want to say to you.”
With a sigh, Theo slid his hand from mine and stood slowly from the bed. I expected him to walk out of the room without saying a word. Obviously, taking his hand from mine and standing meant that my tiny little speech meant nothing to him. He felt the way he felt, and there was nothing that I could say that would convince him that he’d made the wrong choice.
When he began to pace up and down the center of the room, staring down at his feet, as if contemplating what to say, I was confused.
“Theo?”
I asked softly.
Finally, he stopped pacing, shuffled over to my desk chair and sat down. Theo rested his arms on his knees and leveled me with his eyes. I stared back, wondering what had him acting so strangely.
“Talk to me, Theo,”
I said. “Seriously.”
His knees were jiggling up and down as he sat there, chewing at his lip.
“Talk to me,”
I said. “Drop all this shit about protecting me and not wanting to hurt me. Don’t give me some speech that you curated for Peepers or your followers. Don’t worry about saying or doing the right things and actually talk to me.”
“I want to tell you something,”
Theo said so suddenly I nearly jumped. “I’ve been wanting to tell you for a month. Actually, I’ve been wanting to tell you since you cursed me out under the tree after American Lit.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Okay?”
“Ben and I were never dating,”
Theo said.
I stared at him.
“Wh-what?”
I stammered.
He signed again and sat back in the chair.
“Here’s the thing, Josh,”
Theo said, exasperated. “Ben and I started that combined account on Peepers because making videos as a duo got more views than doing videos alone. And people just assumed we were dating. Making comments about what a cute couple we were, how good we looked together, how much they loved our relationship videos…blah blah blah. So…we just kept it up. But, at the end of the day, he was in his bed, and I was in mine.”
“Are you telling me—”
“We did everything we could to keep up appearances, you know?”
he said, shrugging. “We didn’t see other guys, we held hands in public, we’d give each other little kisses in videos, that kind of stuff, but we never liked each other. We were friendly and sometimes hung out when we weren’t trying to make videos that made money, but we never dated. We definitely never had sex or anything. I only know what he looks like in his underwear because we’d change in the same room to do videos and stuff. That’s the most intimacy we ever had.”
He gave a small, bitter laugh.
“Theo—”
“And, I didn’t really enjoy it after a while,”
he cut me off again. “I told Ben it would probably be best if we went back to making videos alone and cut things off. The lie itself felt gross, but keeping it up took so much work. It was exhausting. I didn’t like lying to everyone about our relationship. Honestly, I don’t remember which one of us came up with the idea to begin with. It was just something we fell into since everyone just assumed we were together, you know?”
I nodded, not bothering to try and speak again.
“So,”
Theo sighed, rubbing his hands on his knees, “I told Ben we should give it up. We didn’t have to come clean or anything if he didn’t want to, but we could tell everyone we decided to break up and remain friends or something.”
Again, I nodded along.
“And Ben was all agreeable. Sooo fucking sweet about it. It was like I’d come up with the best idea ever and he was so happy I’d suggested it. So, I felt good about it. We made plans to get together and figure out the best way to do that. You know, make a video together or something? Or make single videos for our own accounts explaining we were broken up. Whatever.”
“Okay.”
“And that same fucking night, he got on Peepers—on our shared account—and announced that we were breaking up because I cheated on him,”
Theo said, shaking his head ruefully. “Ben knew that if we ‘broke up’ or whatever, people would take sides. He knew how the internet works. He wanted all of the followers we had, not just half or whatever. So, he made me look like this awful piece of shit who screwed him over so he got all the sympathy and everyone would follow his single account.”
My eyes widened as I stared at Theo.
“I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life, Josh,”
Theo said. “Maybe because I had, like, one boyfriend in high school and haven’t really dated a lot. Maybe I am a horrible person—who knows. But I’ve never cheated on anyone, but especially not Ben, because we were never even dating. All of this shit has been him doing his best to keep his followers and make as much money as possible, not even caring what it has done to me.”
I started to speak, but stopped myself. Theo obviously had a lot to get off his chest.
“I thought, maybe, if I moved on, and dated a guy I actually liked,”
he said, glancing up at me with a smile, “Ben would realize that I didn’t care and he’d move on, you know? Find some other victim to harass—not that I wanted him to do that. But I thought he’d at least leave me alone for once. But now he’s dragging you into it, making up lies about you, and trying to get even more sympathy.”
Staring at him, I wanted to hold Theo so badly, to take away his hurt.
“And I promised you I would never intentionally hurt you,”
Theo said. “And a week later, you’re getting hurt by this shit.”
He tapped the phone-sized bulge in his front pocket.
"I don’t want to hurt you, Josh,”
Theo said. “Because I don’t actually like you.”
My eyes got even wider.
“I think I might love you,”
he said, then looked down at his lap, though he couldn’t keep the grin from blooming on his face. “You getting hurt by this bullshit that is all my fault…I don’t want that.”
“How is it your fault?”
I demanded, cutting in before he could continue.
Theo looked up at me.
“I was the asshole that agreed to lie to everyone about my relationship with Ben to begin with,”
Theo shrugged. “If I hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t be here right now, would we?”
I snorted. “I think saying it’s all your fault is a stretch. I mean, yeah, you and Ben shouldn’t have lied about being in a relationship, sure. But someone saying a person cheated on them for followers and clout and ruining another person’s life is a bit shittier, don’t you think?”
He smiled.
“Yeah. Probably.”
He agreed.
“And,”
I said quietly, “I think I might love you, too.”
His head shot up and his eyes locked onto mine. His smile widened.
“But,”
I said, my brow furrowing, “why not just tell me all of this, like, months ago? Why not tell the world? I mean, you could have gotten on Peepers and said here’s the deal guys, Ben and I were never dating to begin with, or whatever? Why put up with all of this shit for so long?”
Theo sighed, his face falling.
“Because it all felt like I deserved it,”
he said. “In a way. I’d lied to everyone on Peepers about dating Ben to begin with—and then I was going to get on there and be, like, the dating was a lie, but I’m not lying about this thing? Who would believe me anyway? I’d made my bed, you know? And also…”
Theo trailed off and chewed at his lip for a moment before speaking again.
“I won’t lie,”
he said, “I had fun making videos with Ben. At least for part of it. We were never a thing, but I thought we were friends. I mean, I thought he was my friend. Speaking out against him felt wrong in some way, even if I was just defending myself against his lies. Maybe, stupidly, I was trying to be the bigger person? I don’t know. It all just kind of caught me off guard. I didn’t know how to process the betrayal at the time. And by the time I realized he was basically just a fucking asshole who had used me, it had been months. What was the point in trying to get ahead of it then? There was no way. People really wouldn’t believe me after waiting that long to speak up.”
Watching Theo, I somehow knew exactly what he was saying, though I’d never experienced the same situation in my life.
“And people were going to believe what they want,”
Theo continued. “If people are determined to hate you, anything they find that justifies their bias is just truth to them. The truth really doesn’t stand a chance against other people’s ignorance. Some people are just out there hating and looking for things to give that hate justification. They’ll believe whatever they want. Say whatever they want.”
Theo stopped speaking abruptly and slumped in the chair. After a moment, I realized there was really not much else to say about the nameless, faceless void of hate that was the internet.
“If people are going to say whatever they want anyway,”
I said with a shrug, “then we may as well love each other and ignore it. At least we’re happier that way, right?”
“I’m very fucking tired of acting like I don’t want to be with you every minute of every day,”
Theo said. “This last month has sucked.”
I laughed.
“Can you forgive me?”
Theo asked. “For being a piece of shit for the last month?”
Waffling playfully, I sat back on the bed, pretending I wasn’t certain of my answer. Theo shook his head and smiled at me.
“I mean,”
I said, “it might require some free coffees, but I think I might eventually be able to get past this.”
Theo chuckled.
“Listen,”
he said, “I just want—”
Before he could finish his thought, the dorm door swung open and Collin dashed inside. Theo and I both whipped our heads around to look at him.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
Collin, not answering, dashed across the room, grabbed things off of his desk in a rush, and dashed back out of the room. Theo gave me an amused, yet confused look. I shrugged.
“He’s a weird guy,” I said.
With a laugh, Theo stood from the desk chair and shuffled over to stand in front of me cautiously. Looking down, he put a finger under my chin and tilted my head back to look up at him.
“So,”
he said, “you kind of might love me back?”
Nodding up at him, I said, “It’s possible.”
“And we’re going to let people talk and say whatever they want,”
he said, “because we’re happier finding out where this love goes.”
“Yes.”
Theo, filled with glee, slumped down to sit on the bed next to me, took my face in his hands and planted the biggest kiss on me. Surprised by his sudden movements, I jerked, but managed to rescue the moment and wrapped my arms around him as we continued the kiss. Unsure of how much time passed as the two of us held each other, our hands roaming each other’s bodies, and our lips and tongues exploring each other, I finally pulled way.
“What do you say,”
I said, slightly out of breath, “we make it a night in? Since we have classes tomorrow and everything? We can order pizza? Watch a movie. Snuggle and get a decent night’s sleep for once?”
Theo grinned.
“What we do best,”
he said, then stole another quick kiss.