Chapter Twenty-FourCynda…
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cynda…
Michelle was on the phone when I came out, so I went looking for coffee.
I still wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling.
Maybe if I drank some coffee I’d feel better—or at least warmer.
While I made a pot, Sylvester kept me company, rubbing along my legs and purring, but he couldn’t make me smile, even when he stood up leaning on the counter begging for treats.
I knew from when mom died this numbness would eventually fade away, and I hoped like hell it didn’t take as long this time. “I hardly knew him, so why does it hurt so much?”
“Maybe, because the bastard turned on you.”
Startled I knocked my mug off the counter and it smashed on the floor. “Damn, I didn’t hear you come in.”
“It’s okay, you were in another world. I’m guessing the one where Chaos lives?”
I nodded and bent down to pick up the broken pieces, pushing Sylvester away from the sharp ceramic remains of my coffee cup. Looking at it on the floor it kind of reminded me of my heart, smashed to pieces. Nope not going there, he’s not worth it.
“Yeah, I guess I was.” Tossing the pieces into the trash, I grabbed another mug and poured a cup of coffee. Holding the hot cup took the edge off the chill I’d been feeling since getting out of bed. “Do you want a cup?”
“No thanks. I plan on sleeping tonight at some point.”
“Funny. I think I’m done.”
“Want to talk about it now?”
Did I want to? No definitely not. Would I?
Yeah, she was my bestie, of course I’d tell her.
Besides, she wouldn’t stop bugging me until I told her everything.
Grabbing the mug I went into the living room.
The apartment was mostly open—my mother had it converted from her art studio before I was born and it was the only home I’d ever known.
I loved the openness usually, but right now it was too big, I wanted small, enclosed, dark, alone.
The stars twinkled in the night sky as I stood sipping the coffee and looking out onto the city that never slept.
Everything was normal…everything but me.
Ugh. I sounded like a bad romance novel.
I needed to snap out of it. So I decided I’d tell Michelle everything then it’d be done.
I’d fold it up into a little box, lock it away, and move on with the life I should have already been living.
Yup, it sounded like a great idea to me.
As usual we sat at opposite ends of the couch leaning against the arms with our knees drawn up against our chins. We’d shared just about everything on that couch for almost five years, and now there would be another night of tears, ice cream, and chick flicks.
“That was Eric on the phone. He found out some more shit and called to tell me. He also let Chaos know you were here. The fucktard was worried about you.”
“Ooh yeah, I bet he was.” I took a deep breath. I could do this without crying. No…I WILL do this without crying. “What did he tell you so I don’t have to repeat this shit?”
“Joe and Terrance found Candy and Sweets. After they got back they had a long talk with Chaos, and Joe was there too.”
Shit, she had a strange look on her face, sort of like she’d bitten into a jalapeno and burned the shit out of her mouth. “What? It can’t make me feel any worse than I already do.”
“Don’t be so sure, I want to beat the little bitch myself now. I would have before too...”
I put the mug on the table. “Just tell me, I don’t have anything to throw now.”
“The bitch tweeted and it went viral.”
My chest got tight, and my head started pounding.
“She tweeted what?” I looked down to see my hands clenched so tightly my fingernails were digging in to my palms. If she’d been there I would have knocked her teeth out, and I’m not a violent person—at least not since the fourth grade. What’s wrong with people?
“A pic of herself after the fight saying you did it.”
“Fuckin' bitch. I did it? She started it, but I did get to rip out some of her hair and got a few good slaps in.”
“Good.”
It was bad. It could ruin my chance at teaching kindergarten or school at all if they saw the picture. Once things got on the internet they were there forever. Fucking bitch might have just ruined my life, and she was probably laughing her ass off.
“Is that it? Because it’s more than enough, she destroyed so much today. Probably even my chance to teach.”
“I’m…nope it’s not. She also tweeted you were stealing their songs.”
I was in shock. I heard her I think, but the roaring in my ears was so loud I might have only seen her lips move.
Jumping off the couch, I picked up one of the books from the table and threw it across the room.
I needed to release the tension somehow.
I was suffocating in my own skin. How could anyone do that? She might as well have killed me.
“No…no…NOOOOOOOOO! She couldn’t have, she didn’t. He would have stopped her.”
Michelle tried to give me a hug but I pulled away. I couldn’t be touched, I didn’t want to feel anything. It was bad enough having my heart torn to shreds but now my reputation too. What did I have left?
“Cyn, honey, don’t do this to yourself. We’ll figure something out.”
“How can we fuckin’ figure this out? She tweeted it. She’s in a world famous rock band and probably has a zillion followers, it’ll be everywhere.”
Michelle went into the kitchen and returned with two glasses and a bottle of Malibu Rum. Pouring us each a glass, she handed me one. I wasn’t sure this was the best idea but what did it matter? It’s not like I had to be anywhere tomorrow morning or probably ever again.
“C’mon we can do this. Maybe the attorney I found to help with the contract can help with this?”
Help with the contract. Shit, the discussion with Joe about all of this seemed like months ago instead of just a day or two.
It’s like my life had been on fast forward since I’d walked into the dressing room at The Shaggy Dog and dickman introduced me to all of them. So much had happened in five days.
Sitting on the couch I pulled the afghan around me my mother made, still not able to get rid of the chill.
Maybe the rum would help? I took a small sip, I loved this stuff usually, reminded me of what a trip to the Caribbean would be like, but all the crying made my throat rough and each sip burned a trail to my stomach.
It did help warm me up though. Heat spread through me as I downed the shot and handed the glass to Michelle for a refill.
Eventually my throat would stop burning and maybe I’d get numb.
I leaned back and stared at the ceiling, wishing my mom was there.
She’d know what to do. She always knew what to do.
Twenty-four was too young to lose your mother.
She was supposed to be there when I got my first real job, got married, and had children.
The tears welled up in my eyes and I blinked them away. Nope, I was not going there.
“One thing I don’t understand is why they thought you were stealing his songs? You’re their songwriter.”
“I know, and if Chaos had given me a chance to explain none of this would have happened. Or maybe it still would have. She left before he and I had it out. Anyway, I was out with him in Philly and we’d been having a great day.
” Yeah it had been almost perfect, if I’d been in bed with him cuddling and talking about the song instead, it would have been perfect.
“I guess she must have been snooping while we were out and she found the notebook I write in before I put it to music on the iPad. It’s sort of like my song journal. You’ve seen it.”
Michelle nodded. “Yup, tons of times.”
“Well the other night after everyone was in bed, I heard music from Chaos’ room.
It was a haunting ballad. Totally different from anything he’d ever written and it was amazing.
” Thinking about it, I remembered how it made me feel, and how the lyrics popped into my head and wouldn’t leave.
“I got the idea for some lyrics and wrote them down with some of his notes so it would flow right. When she found the notebook she found the lyrics and figured out it was his song.”
“Shit. You didn’t tell him?”
“No. I was stupid. I thought I’d surprise him once I had them the way I really wanted, I was still working on them.
In fact, when he was doing radio interviews I used his guitar and worked on them.
Joe, the bus driver, heard me and that’s how we had the whole conversation about dickman and my father. ”
“Now it all makes sense, I wondered why all of a sudden you were getting involved in contract stuff for them.”
“It was for Joe too. He’s such a wonderful man. He’d have been a great dad.”
“Do you think he’s right, I mean about the manager, and your father not even knowing?”
“Considering the little I know of Rod Dixon, yeah, it wouldn’t surprise me. But it doesn’t change anything.”
“Are you sure?”
“What could it change? I still don’t know him. He wouldn’t know me if he tripped over me. So why bother trying to figure it out now?”
“So you could have at least one parent.”
I heard the bitterness in her voice, and realized I sounded ungrateful. She’d lost both her parents when she was six. Her grandmother raised her after the car accident, and they were never really close.
“Maybe, I don’t know. Right now I can’t think about it, not with all this other shit hitting the fan.”
“There is one small good thing in all of this.”
“What’s that?”
“She didn’t know your last name or couldn’t remember it so besides the picture it just says the songwriter from Symmetry records.”
“Really? She didn’t use my name?”
“Nope, she might not have known how to spell it, if she’d never seen it written. Eric said Chaos demanded she take the picture down, and she did. So it’s only there if anyone saved it.”
“Huh, maybe there’s hope yet?”
“Maybe. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”
“Oh yeah.” Downing the second shot of rum, I was warm and getting tired. I really was a lightweight when it came to drinking. “I think I’m going back to bed. Are you still staying?”
“Yeah. See you in the morning. If you need me you know where I’ll be.”
Hugging her, I felt a little better as I headed off to bed.