Chapter 30
R hythmic chirps of insects rise and fall as a wave of sound on the night air. The noise reminds me that it is, in fact, long past the witching hour when I should have shut my laptop and called it a day.
Arching my back, I yawn and do a big feline-like stretch, then promptly sink down to bury my nose in the soft, masculine scent of Beau. His giant t-shirt is all I’ve got on, other than my underwear, while I sit on the porch outside his bedroom. A secluded spot to overlook the undulations of this ranch from as they stretch out beneath darkened skies.
Am I completely lost, drifting rudderless in the midst of the ocean, where this cowboy is concerned?
Clearly. I’ve willingly tossed my map and compass overboard along the way and disappeared to a place where it’s all too easy to escape into a fantasy. A hideaway where we’re able to be together and don’t have to worry about anything beyond the reaches of this property.
Since the night at The Loaded Hog, we’ve given ourselves over, surrendered in the most effortless way to this thing. There wasn’t even a question otherwise. The moment we fell into the backseat of his truck together was like we shattered any remaining illusion we’d been clinging to that we might have had a hope of denying ourselves this thing any longer.
I pulled up to the ranch at whatever hour of the morning it was by the time the event wrapped up, climbed straight into his bed, and haven’t slept anywhere else since.
So, now, we’re indulging all that longing and curiosity. On repeat.
I’m doing my best to ignore the pangs of guilt that bubble up every so often. Beau has reassured me that he’s on a fast-track to a divorce. And while I had been determined to not allow him near me until he was undeniably, one-hundred percent single, I’m clearly not very good at following my own rules. My boundaries were nothing but fairy floss dissolving under the force of a single heated glance and quirk of his lips.
For him and his ocean-deep eyes, apparently, I willingly ignore the standards I set for myself.
Gnawing on my thumbnail, I cast another eye over the open email from Tessa currently pulled up on my screen. I’ve filled out the necessary details, and now all that remains is for me to attach formalities like relevant documents and press send.
As I’m busy re-reading the note she included with the job application, I hear a shutter click. My head whips up to find Beau standing there, freshly showered, wearing a pair of low-slung sweats. He lowers the camera, and I see, in the other hand, he’s carrying a bottle of whiskey.
“Didn’t you say you were finished working before I headed to take a shower?” He arches a disapproving eyebrow, then deposits everything on the coffee table and settles down beside me on the outdoor couch. Those calloused palms immediately seek out my waist, dragging me onto his lap.
I’m too busy juggling my laptop and talking myself out of licking his bare chest to do anything other than let him manhandle me like this.
“You’re looking for new clients already?” With brows knitted together, his eyes flicker over the screen.
“That’s the life, hot stuff. Who takes care of the eldest daughter? She looks after her own damn self.” I shrug. “Actually, since you’re the resident rodeo star and all, you’ll give me a stellar reference, won’t you? Promise I’ll suck your soul out through your cock as many times as you like in return.”
His fingers pinch my hip and he makes a rumbly sort of protest.
“Tessa sent it to me as an exclusive before the pro tour announces the role publicly.” What sits on my laptop is a PR opportunity she has already put my name forward for. A golden prospect that comes complete with an impressive retainer paycheck and luxurious added trimmings. Effectively the dream for someone like me. Not only that, but it would open up an endless horizon of opportunities to grow my client portfolio.
The only catch is that it starts this coming fall, and since it’s attached to the rodeo tour machine, will require being on the road traveling the entire time. Where my thoughts about this man are concerned, I have to ignore the ramifications of such a detail. I can’t allow my lust-fueled obsession with Beau to rule my decisions about my career. The cold, hard reality is that once summer is done, my work here will be, too. There’s no skipping off into the sunset, giving him heart eyes while patiently waiting for him to become available. And even if he did, would I dare want to commit to something serious when I’ve already proved that I’m no better than the ‘other woman’ in this scenario?
How do I know I’m not forever going to be the second choice? The easy option who will allow herself to be cajoled and charmed with promises of ‘one more month’ while their separation drags on and on. Leaving me stuck, forced to lie to everyone who matters to me?
As much as I enjoy being with Beau, I have to think clearly, and not let sex be the passionate, wild creature at the helm of my destiny.
That’s when I realize he hasn’t said anything in reply. So I close my laptop and lean over to set it down beside his camera, then hook my arms around his neck. I might be resolute in making smart decisions for my future, but that doesn’t mean I have to be anything but a slut who craves him all night long in the here and now.
“You know what’s more interesting than boring old client applications?” I muse, as I study his strong jaw. “Having a drink, since you’ve so generously brought me one.”
Beau reaches for the bottle, uncaps it, and hands it over. He’s still not saying anything, but then again, I’ve gotten used to his unique brand of silence. It usually means there’s too much noise going on inside his brain. Somewhere along the journey, it all gets bottlenecked, and doesn’t manage to actually make its way out of his mouth.
Whereas I have the opposite problem. Things tend to drop out of mine all too freely.
I change positions, clambering to sit astride him, and run a finger across his bottom lip before tilting the bottle. He keeps hooded eyes on mine as his chin tips backward, allowing me to pour a shot of the amber alcohol into his mouth.
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows it down, and the fierce intensity behind his stare locked on me sends goosebumps flying in every direction. Stern, silent Beau is one of my many, many favorite weaknesses.
“Ok, now your turn.” I give him a taunting little smile and hand the bottle over. He lifts it out of my grasp, and I don’t know quite what I was expecting. I hover, anticipating the moment he’ll lift it to my lips and tip my head back. Instead, he raises it to his own mouth, wraps his lips around the open neck, and takes a swig. As I sit perched over his groin, I feel his hand slide up my spine until his fingers dig into my hair. With a sharp tug, his grip tightens, and he yanks my body to the side. The shock of how quickly he strikes leaves my mouth dropping open with a gasp. He takes control of every aspect of my universe.
His strong body looms over mine, and with a devilish look in his eyes, Beau spits the whiskey into my mouth.
Well, shit.
I was well and truly prepared, and willing, to be a whole lot of naughty for Beau Heartford tonight. This cowboy had just guaranteed I’ll be extremely fucking filthy, just to please him. My blood sings with excitement, and I gulp down the delicious burn lining the back of my throat.
As I dart my tongue out to wet my lips, Beau devours the tiny movement, then swoops in to take my mouth. He tastes like whiskey, the faintest hint of spice, and the way he slides his tongue against mine is deliciously slow and sensual. He sucks every molecule of air from the space around us, and the longer he kisses me, the more I feel my bones melt into a rich, honeyed liquid state.
After he successfully turns my mind to jelly and leaves my pulse thumping between my legs, he finally relinquishes my mouth.
I’m a starry-eyed kitten, ready to nuzzle against his chest and be his perfect little pet.
“Did you know, I’ve been down bad for you ever since that day on the sidewalk?” Beau takes another sip of whiskey, this time handing me the bottle as he works down a swallow.
“Some places I can go and no one knows who the hell I am. If you’re not into rodeo or country music…” He winces slightly while saying those words. “You wouldn’t know my face. But out here? It’s damn impossible.”
I take a long drink and let him keep talking.
“You didn’t have a clue who I was. Couldn’t have cared less. And it was the first time I ever felt attracted to someone so instantly.”
He wraps a hand around mine to briefly drag the bottle to his mouth, then pushes it back my way.
“You terrified me, because I couldn’t want you. I didn’t have the right to desire you—I still don’t. Not when I legally have a wife. But she never saw me the way you do. She only liked the way a rodeo star fit her brand. That’s all I ever was, a glorified accessory to suit her image.”
I let my fingers play over his face, stroking his skin and brushing against his stubble and facial hair. “Can I ask you something? Why did you do it? Why marry and stay in it, if you weren’t happy? ”
Beau lets his head sink back against the cushion. “Loneliness. A stupid idea that I was supposed to have already found my person.”
His hands slip beneath the t-shirt I’m wearing, gliding up my bare waist to brush strokes over the sides of my ribs with both thumbs.
“Each time I contemplated getting papers drawn up, another sponsor would arrive, another win would go my way. Suddenly, there I was, a world champion, and the spotlight shone even brighter. If I’d picked that moment to end a marriage that hundreds of thousands of so-called fans were living vicariously through, well, I was dumb enough to be scared of what it might do to tank my career. That fear felt damn well real enough at the time, so I chose to focus on what I could control. I buried myself in doing the thing I was blessed to do, and shut the hell up about something that was my own fault. Running away wasn’t gonna fix anything.”
Beau exhales, looking at me with an apology swimming behind those blue-gray eyes.
“Mandy knew my greatest secret; my truest fear was never inside the arena or what might happen to me if a ride went wrong. She knew my deepest shame was becoming my father. It still is. The thought that I would be considered no better than him, was enough to stop me from ever attempting to end things or walk away before now.”
My heart squeezes hearing him talk openly like this for the first time. Giving me a tiny insight into what he’s been through and blamed himself for.
“Take it he wasn’t a good guy?”
He shakes his head. “The worst kind of cheater. After seeing what he did, I made a promise to all the women in my life—to my mom, my sister, even my gran—that I’d never be the disgusting son of a bitch he was. So, I was trapped. If I broke that commitment to Mandy, then I would be letting down the women who mean the world to me. And if I stayed, then so what? All I’d do would be to burden myself with living a lie.”
“That’s not a life, though. Wouldn’t they rather see you happy?”
“Sure. Maybe on some level. But they deserved better than to be dragged through a media frenzy, to be hounded by gossip, to be snapped by paparazzi looking to make a quick buck. They never asked for the fame my career brought to their doorstep, and I couldn’t face the prospect of them being caught up in an ugly public conversation about me or how all the men in my family were the same.”
“Mine might not be exactly like that…” I take a breath before carrying on. “I’ve got myself one of those deadbeat fathers, too. But my real dad? The guy who actually raised me? I would go to the ends of the earth for him in return for what he’s done to take care of me and my mom. She was strong enough to walk away from an abusive relationship after spotting the signs that were there early on, and I constantly feel like I’ve got to live up to the standard she set for me, you know? It feels like the least I can do, to try my best to never let her down.”
We sit together, sharing another few drags of whiskey and exchanging the kind of silence that echoes so unbelievably loud in the wake of everything the two of us have taken a moment to say.
“Why did you keep my bag?” Beau hits me with a narrowing of his eyes.
I take a hasty gulp. After how freely Beau has just shared, I’d be a terrible person not to do the same for him in return.
Wetting my lips, I can feel the blood whooshing in my ears. “I kept it because I liked you, ok? Probably too much, considering how quickly that moment came and went. It was the first time I’d felt anything like that… I don’t know how to describe it. You snuck in and lingered. It was this sense that I’d tasted something I might never get to have ever again. So I hung onto it, because it felt like I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to that feeling.”
I gnaw on my bottom lip and shift my weight.
“Ok. My turn for an interrogation.” Reaching for his camera, I lean back in order to peer at him through the viewfinder.
He’s far too close and blurry, but at least I feel like I can avoid talking about my utterly complex, tangled string of feelings where he’s concerned.
“Do you regret being famous?” I put on a fake interviewer’s voice.
Beau chuckles. “Part of me, absolutely, yes. But I can’t pretend that I don’t love what the rodeo gave me. So many people go through life never getting to live their passion. How could I regret that? Even if I wish the fame didn’t come with it? That would be fucking selfish of me.”
“ Hmm . Good looking and philosophical. That earns you a bonus round, Mr. Heartford.” I press the button for the shutter, and feel his hands come up to cover mine. He adjusts something on the lens, then guides it back up to my face.
This time I can see his handsomeness all too clearly.
“Why photography?” I take a couple more photos, now focused on his eyes.
“At first, it gave me something to use, a coping tool, if you want to call it that, to try and help when I felt overwhelmed. Focusing on details and settings and stupid shit. The kinds of things most normal people don’t want to be bothered learning. ” His hands glide up and down my back as he talks in that low, steady tone.
“Normal has always seemed incredibly dull to me.”
He lifts one hand to scratch at his jaw. “So I ended up spending a ton of my free time when I wasn’t training or competing at events fucking around with a camera until I managed to get all those tiny pieces correct and kept refining it, ya know.”
“You are such a Virgo, Mr. Perfectionist.” Taking a few more snaps, I let the shutter click on repeat, honing in on the veins popping on the back of his hand.
“I was blessed to be touring some of the most beautiful places in the country. Having my camera and a reason to get away from the crowds and the noise, well, it saved me more times than I can count.”
“What’s your favorite thing to photograph?”
Beau takes another drink, his eyes getting that look about them when he’s far away. Thinking of another place, another time, another moment in his life that had so many layers to it before I came along.
“Sunsets are always the one thing I’m constantly chasing.” Readjusting his weight beneath me, he brings a hand up to play with some loose strands of hair framing my face, rubbing them between his fingers. “You know nightfall is coming, but there’s so much color there, and it’s a different painting every time. The sky is so vast and unpredictable. That’s a gift for a photographer. You could set up your tripod in exactly the same position every single day, waiting for the exact same time of evening, and never take the same photo twice.”
The heat of him seeps beneath my shirt, warming my skin, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so safe with another person. Another miserable realization that against my better judgment, I might just have allowed my heart to crack open and allow him to sneak inside. Just when I’m potentially about to secure a future for my business that will take me far, far away from this delicious closeness and temptation to trust someone for the first time.
His throat bobs, and he reaches for the camera, gently prying it from my hands. An act that leaves me feeling naked and vulnerable all of a sudden. This heartfelt confession time was all well and good when I could stare at him through a camera, and keep that shield in place. But with one swift move, Beau just disarmed me.
“It’s kind of like how I feel when I look at you. I never know how you’re going to surprise me.” He cups the back of my neck and proceeds to obliterate any lingering thoughts I might have had about us and how we’re at the mercy of being at the wrong time.
Beau speaks against my mouth before kissing me with an achingly soft glide of his lips.
“You’re my sunset sky, baby. Bright and mysterious and beautiful all at the same time.”