Chapter Fourteen #4
He appeared guarded, almost standoffish, but then he had requested her presence. So, she made her face as plain and neutral as possible and waited for him to speak.
“I wasn’t sure if you and your sister were corresponding, but I wanted to let you know that Cora has been doing splendidly at Harris House. She and Arabella have become fast friends.”
Jane smiled.
“I’m so glad to hear it.”
“And my wife has learned quite a lot from her, about your history and the like.” Jane’s smile faltered, but he continued. “Oh, I don’t mean to… Er… I’m usually better at this.”
“At talking?”
He let out a labored breath.
“Yes, actually. In fact, the only topic which I always find myself stumbling over my words is, well, my mother.” He paused before rectifying, “I mean, our mother.”
Jane stared at him. She hadn’t expected him to want to discuss Helen and yet, here they were. She replied slowly.
“I don’t even know if she could be described as such.
I mean, she abandoned you and Arabella when you both were so young…
I can’t… I can’t quite understand it and what’s worse, I don’t think I want to.
It seems horrific to abandon one’s children.
Even if she had a good excuse, I don’t think I could forgive her. ”
Logan nodded.
“Yes. I was of that mind for many years. I still might be, actually, but I did want to speak to you, as I think there’s a kinship between us.”
“You do?” Jane asked, stunned. Never in a million years would she have guessed that Sir Logan Harris would ever concede that there was a kinship between them. “Forgive me, but that’s a surprise.”
“More to me than you, I assure you. But the way I see it, you were the eldest of our mother’s children, until, of course, you met myself and Arabella. But that doesn’t negate you from taking on the role of eldest child your entire life.”
“I do have a half-brother, Lord Atherton.”
“And from what Cora has shared, he was rather lacking.” When Jane nodded in agreement, he continued.
“It’s odd to me, that Arabella and Cora should be so similar.
Arabella never met our mother and yet she and Cora seem nearly identical in every way.
I’ve wondered if it was because they both had older siblings who took on the brunt of their mother’s issues. ”
Jane felt the urge to protect her mother’s memory but also wished to soften whatever story Cora had shared.
“She was not a bitter woman. Or rather, she never meant to be,” Jane said quickly. “It’s easy to take her words out of context, and I’m sure Cora—”
“No, no, please. There’s no need to defend her.
I think, after living with Cora these past few weeks, that my perspective might have been skewed before.
You see, I’ve only ever considered Helen as a mother.
My mother. Not even Arabella’s, as ridiculous as that may sound,” he said, his eyes unfocused as he continued.
“I was so angry with her for so long that I never even considered her to be a whole person, with thoughts and fears and hopes.” He shook his head.
“I’m ashamed of myself for denying her those very human attributes. ”
“You were only a boy when she left,” Jane tried. “I cannot imagine what I might have thought if she had left me so young, never to return. I think I would have hated her.”
“I did, for a long time. And not even because of how I felt. I hated her because of the heartbreak she caused my father, the lack of direction she left my sister. I remember when I was young, I would pray she would return, just so that I could scold her and tell her we never needed her.” He shook his head again.
“All the bravado and heroics a fourteen-year-old boy could muster.”
Jane gave him a small, sad smile.
“Can I tell you something?” she asked quietly.
“Of course.”
“I think I hate her now,” she whispered, fearful that saying it any louder might be overheard. “I’m so angry with her. I mean, she could have at least told us about you and Arabella.”
“Could she have?” he asked, shaking his head. “I don’t think so. She already knew she was committing bigamy. She probably hoped to marry you two off before anyone knew anything.”
“You’d think that,” Jane said bitterly. “But every time a gentleman would come to call on me, she refused to let it develop further. She refused to let any of them court me, even though she was constantly telling me that I needed to marry.” Jane shook her head.
“Why? Why would she tell me everything I needed to do, and then refuse to allow me to do so?”
“Maybe she genuinely didn’t believe any of the gentlemen who came to call on you was worthy of you?”
“Worthy of me?” Jane almost laughed. “I’m little more than the poor, illegitimate daughter of a peer. I think any marriage might have suited me.”
“Knowing what Helen knew about marriage, I think she would have wholeheartedly disagreed with that notion.”
Jane considered that. Her mother knew what it was like to be in a loveless marriage. Had she wanted to protect Jane from the same misery?
“Still, it doesn’t seem right that she got to make all the decisions,” Jane said after a moment.
“No, it doesn’t.”
Then, Sir Logan put his hand on her shoulder. She watched him do so, as he seemed to be stiff in his movements.
“I’m glad I know you, Jane,” he said awkwardly. “I’m happy you and Cora came to Scotland.”
“You…are?”
“Yes, I am.”
Jane’s throat suddenly felt tight and she had to blink several times, so she didn’t make a fool of herself.
“I, I’m glad to hear that.”
Sir Logan gave her a tight smile, bobbed his head, and released his hand from her shoulder. Then, he offered her his arm.
“Shall we return then?”
Jane had to bite her tongue to stop herself from crying. She gave him a nod and took her half-brother’s arm as they reentered the ballroom, together.