Chapter 29
Jasmine – One Week Later
I gently rub my fingers through Aisling's hair as she watches all the new people in the clubhouse, and I zone out, my mind continuously going a million miles an hour.
Every time I close my eyes, all I see is Mama’s dead cold ones, I see the blood surrounding her when I blacked out, when I panicked for my daughter's safety, for my baby’s.
***
“You’re eight weeks, buttercup,” Logan says softly, and I turn my head and look at the screen.
Despite Logan being on sabbatical, we’re at the hospital, the sterile hallway a stark contrast to the clubhouse's bustle.
After giving me a few days to try and get my wits about me, he asked his dad to watch Aisling while he brought me in, and without a word to anyone, including that nurse Nell who rushed away when she saw him which confused me until he mentioned Doc threatened her job.
He brought me into one of the rooms before grabbing the monitor.
Not sure how I feel about the man I love moving something covered in lube inside me that isn’t him…
“Eight weeks,” I whisper, and he hums as he presses a few buttons, and a ‘whoosh,-whoosh’ echoes, and my tears fall as I look at the wonder and awe on Logan’s face, and guilt fills me yet again.
He missed all this with Aisling, and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for it.
***
The baby was created the first time we slept together again, when he walked away full of hurt and anger.
This baby has come at the worst time.
Logan has not long learned that he was a father, that he lost five years of her life, missed everything because of me, and now, here I am, knocked up again with his second child and will most likely bring back a lot of bad memories, the resentment, the anger, everything I know I deserve.
I feel like I’m failing at everything. I mean, I knew Mama was searching for me, yet I still stupidly took Aisling to that store without Vincent, without letting anyone know, and I am very much aware I wasn’t thinking straight because I realized I was late, but that isn’t the point.
I put our daughter and our unborn baby at risk and nearly lost them both.
I put them in danger. I put myself in danger when I knew what my mother is - was - like.
***
The hallway light spills onto my bare feet as I stand in the doorway, clutching my teddy. “Why are you out of bed?!” Mama demands and I sniffle, “I had a nightmare…”
She curls her lips as she swirls her red wine, and I slowly walk over to her wanting a cuddle, but just as I lift my arm, Mama grips it hard, making me cry out in shock, before I’m being dragged down the hallway towards the kitchen.
“Mama!” I cry, “You’re hurting me…”
***
The quiet rustle of the room settles before Aisling's whispered, “Mama?” hits me and I blink and look at her, giving her a soft smile.
“Yes, bumblebee?” I ask as I continue to run my fingers through her hair.
“Are you okay now?” she questions, her eyes searching mine.
Am I? No, not really but a big part of me knows that I will be—because I have her, I hope I have Logan, and I’m having a baby. My feelings shift between doubt and hope as I think of what lies ahead.
My relationship with my father has improved, and I honestly believe he’s happier now that Mama is gone and Brady, he seems lighter, yet I still feel guilty, I still feel like a murderer, and I hate myself for closing down for a week when I have a child to think about, two children to think about.
Rose sits beside me, grounding me in the current moment as loud laughter and chattering from the others swirl around us from the different clubs.
They seem really lovely, but I’m just not into making new friends right about now or even small talk.
My mind just can’t seem to grasp everything.
“That was after sending naked men to our clubhouse,” Kennedy, the Devil’s Doc’s old lady, chuckles and I know I missed a whole big story about Annie.
Having a Doc here, a Doc in the Devils, and apparently a brother with a father called Doc—though I can’t remember which MC—can be very confusing. Brit mentioned it when she was trying to get me to talk an hour ago but I was only vaguely listening.
You’d think they’d come up with different names for a medical field brother, I mean, Logan is called Tank because of his size, not because of his chosen profession.
“The men’s faces were hilarious, I have to admit,” she continues to laugh, but I don’t look up, instead, I just play with my daughter's hair.
I can now understand why the brothers didn’t want me to meet these women.
They are a bad influence.
“When is daddy coming out?” Aisling asks, and I smile a little at how innocent she looks as she blinks her long eyelashes at me, eyes that thankfully didn’t get tarnished by my mother.
“Soon, I think,” I murmur as I kiss her head.
Logan mentioned church normally lasts around an hour to an hour and a half, and he’s been in there for one hour and fifteen minutes.
“And then he’s going for a ride for a few days?” she confirms, and I hum as my stomach tightens.
Apparently, the reason why the Untamed and the Devils are here is that they’re going on a four-day fun run ride to make money for the children’s hospitals around the country, which is an amazing cause, one I’m proud of Logan being a part of, I just…
I sigh. The old ladies will be riding behind their men, while their kids will stay behind with their grandparents, before the brothers meet up with the Huntsmen MC on the way.
Earlier, Brit mentioned roughly a million has already been raised, which is more than they normally raise for certain other charities, but that doesn’t surprise me, not with the Rebels being the highest donors at that charity six years ago, and how dedicated they are to the unfortunate.
They’ve only progressed over the years.
I squeeze my eyes closed as a little bit of fear builds inside.
Logan is supposed to go, so he’ll be gone for four days—and I’ll be alone with my thoughts.
He’s already packed, apparently a prospect will follow in the club's truck with the luggage, and I’m struggling with the thought of him leaving.
What if he remembers everything I’ve done and sees I’m not worth the trouble?
What if he realizes the resentment will never go away?
What if he only sees me as a murderer?
I press my lips against Aisling's head again and hold her tighter to me.
What if he tries to take our daughter from me?
Well, that last one was just a stupid question.
I shake my head at my damn thoughts. This is why I’m scared of him going. He centers me, and four days without him, I won’t survive it. I just know it, just like I couldn’t look through Granny’s box full of memories of her and me without him.
He’s my missing piece, the reason I breathe, and I-I’ve hurt him, so being away from him is difficult.
“Can I go play?” Aisling asks quietly, and I look up to see all the kids running around, and I swallow hard.
She has a cast on, and the thought of her not in my sight…
The image of Mama dragging her away flashes through me, and I flinch and look back at Aisling, who looks at me expectantly, and I suck in a breath.
“Please, Mama…” She whispers, and I clear my throat.
Crap.
“You know she’s safe here, Jas…” Rose says from the seat beside me, and I nod because I know she is, but that doesn’t take away my fear, especially when I’ve already put her in danger once.
Taking a deep breath, I whisper, “Go on then, just-just be careful with your arm, okay?”
She nods and climbs off me, and I tremble a little but take deep breaths, allowing her to play. Rose quickly grabs my hand, and I squeeze hers tightly as Ais runs after some of the Devil’s kids.
“You did well, Jas,” Rose whispers, and I nod once, not taking my eyes off my little girl, keeping my focus on her.
“Will it get easier?” I ask quietly, and Rose squeezes my hand in support and confirms, “It will, as long as you lean on Tank and us, it will.”
I swallow the lump forming just as the door to the church opens, and Aisling shouts, “Daddy!” and I melt seeing him pick her up and place her on his hip, smiling wide at her.
“You did what you thought was best, Jasmine. You need to stop beating yourself up,” Rose says, seeing my look, and I mutter, “Easier said than done.” And she squeezes my hand yet again, just as Logan’s eyes lock with mine, and he walks my way, his eyes going to my hand locked with Rose’s, and he smiles slightly.
“Hey, buttercup,” he says, and I smile slightly as Aisling asks, “Are you going running now, Daddy?” as she grabs hold of his cheek to get him to look at her, and he chuckles.
“It’s called a run, baby girl,” he murmurs as he kisses her hand before he confirms, “and yes, I am, but I expect you to be the best girl I know you can be, okay?”
She nods before pressing a kiss on his cheek with a big, “Mwah,” and he chuckles as he lets her down, and she turns to me and says, “Bye, Mama, love you,” as she presses a kiss on my cheek, and I furrow my brows with a small smile.
Guess she’s planning on spending some time with the other kids before we go home, huh?
I don’t take my eyes off Aisling as she runs over to her grandpa, and it isn’t until he’s picked her up that I finally look away and towards Logan, just as Rose kisses my head and lets go of my hand.
“You got your bag in the truck?” I confirm and he hums in confirmation as he kneels before me and cups my cheek, his touch everything as I lean into it.
“Have fun and be safe,” I say, forcing a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes.
We haven’t spoken about me leaving. We haven’t got everything out to help us heal or to help him forgive me.
Instead, after his mama and Bruce died, after I killed my mama and went mute, we just brushed it under the rug.
Now, after finding out I’m pregnant, he’s about to leave for four days and it leaves us in limbo. It leaves me petrified.
The fear hits me again, and Logan tilts his head, his eyes boring into mine.
“Your bag is in the truck as well,” he says softly, and I frown.
“My bag?” I ask with confusion, and he hums as he leans forward and presses his lips against mine before he stands, but pulls me up with him, and I go with a frown as he guides me towards the door, the brothers all following, and I press, “What do you mean by my bag, Logan?”
He walks us outside without answering me, and my legs stupidly follow.
What the hell does he mean about my bag?
As we get outside, Doc, Snake, and Axel are already climbing on their bikes, their women with them, as Logan walks me over to his before grabbing something off it, then holds it out to me, and I gasp.
Property of Tank
“Logan?” I choke, not taking my eyes off the old lady cut I gave back until he was ready to give it to me himself.
“I think it’s time you put this back on where it belongs and get your sweet little ass on the back of my bike for a fun run, just you and me, to get back what we lost but you as my woman, as my old lady, like you should have been six years ago.” He rasps, and a few tears fall as we lock eyes.
“What about Aisling?” I ask, not even bringing the cut up right now because I really don’t think I deserve it, and I lean forward as I eye everyone watching and whisper, “What about the baby? It isn’t safe…”
He smiles, and without answering me, he gently puts my arm in the cut, then my other, before pulling it up on my shoulders, and I swallow hard at how right it feels, just like it did a few weeks ago.
“Logan…” I whisper, and he moves before me again, cups my cheek, and informs me, “Aisling is staying with my dad,” making my eyes widen, “it will be his first year not attending the run, and you know she will be safe. You’ve been so obsessed with ensuring she’s safe, you’re not looking after yourself.
It isn’t your fault what happened, Jas, you’re not the only one who forgot about your mother. ”
The thought of leaving Aisling gives me hives, and I choke, “I can’t…”
“You can and you will,” he commands, his enforcer mode coming out, “We need this, Jasmine!”
I look away because I know he’s right, we do need this, to be just us again, the us before we left but-but…
“Aisling will be safe with dad, and he is very excited for some granddaughter time because she’s obsessed with Vincent, who will be driving the truck,” he whispers, and I can’t help the small smile before I choke, “and what about the baby?”
“The baby,” he says loudly, gaining everyone’s attention, the women gasping, “will be perfectly fine because I’m going to ride slow.” And my eyes widen at his announcement of my pregnancy while the club erupts in cheers, and Logan grins.
“You, Jasmine Williams, are my old lady, my love, my fucking everything and I’m scared,” he says and a few tears fall as he whispers, “You’ve gone in on yourself and I think a ride will do us both some good especially after last week and then, when we get back, we’ll hash everything out.
We’ll talk about our pain, the past, fucking everything so I can get my girl back and then we’ll figure out what route you want to go down.
Whether it’s a stay-at-home mama with our kids or if you want to work for your uncle, whatever you decide, I’ll stand by you, but for now, please, buttercup, get on the back of my bike. ”
My bottom lip wobbles as his eyes plead with me and I take a deep breath and going against my fear for Aisling and our unborn baby we have yet to discuss, I nod once knowing he’ll keep me safe, that his dad will die for our daughter and he physically relaxes before taking me into his arms and I melt, allowing his strength to get me through this, to help me heal from my mistakes.