KIERAN
The last two hours were a bit of a blur.
“Do what?”
“Out me to my mum.”
“We’re getting straight into it, then, are we?”
“Well, you got me here for a reason. I assume it’s because you wanted to explain how your choices fucked up my entire life, or did you have another reason for bringing me here?”
Kieran was provoking him, he knew that, but he was pissed off.
The guy had tried to drag Kieran into the back room, where he wanted to put him in the sling and watch a load of men fuck him while he watched.
Then he intended to take him home and punish him for being a slut.
That was going too far for him, and the guy had just ignored Kieran’s refusal, which is why he’d started screaming his safe word.
He’d probably looked like a freak screaming “tomatoes” in a sex club, but he’d panicked.
Then Derek had charged in like some growly bear, which had been frustrating because Kieran didn’t like people fighting his battles for him, but was also a massive turn-on, which was all kinds of fucked up.
Derek had demanded Kieran come back to his house for the night, and rather than tell him to get fucked, he’d just obeyed.
He hadn’t even raised his voice. There was just something in the tone he used that made Kieran feel compelled to obey.
He blamed the vodka. It definitely had nothing to do with teenage Kieran’s fantasy being reawakened from his memory vault.
“Let me get us both a drink first. Vodka and Coke?”
That was probably a bad idea, but he nodded anyway.
Derek left the living room. The house was in Highgate, so not too far from where Kieran was living.
It was a Victorian house, but it had been modernised inside.
The deep skirting boards and architraves had been kept.
There were lots of greys and browns, as well as an open fire, which wasn’t on, but then it was July.
The sofa was a big, squishy L-shape, and a gigantic TV dominated one wall.
He noticed an air-conditioning unit on the wall, so Derek liked his modern comforts.
He walked back in and handed Kieran his drink.
It looked like Derek had neat whiskey. Not something Kieran could drink after Carnage in his first year at med school.
It was a bar crawl challenge in London, popular with medical students.
Moving from beer to shots, so he could get to the end in one piece, had been a mistake.
He’d been violently ill for three days and hadn’t drunk whiskey since.
“Shall we sit down?” said Derek.
Kieran sat at the opposite end of the sofa from Derek. He wasn’t sure why, but given this would not be a pleasant conversation, he wanted to keep his distance. It wasn’t what he’d envisioned happening tonight, but he needed to know so he could hopefully put it all behind him.
“First, Kieran. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I never expected her to react that way, but that still doesn’t excuse what I did.”
“I don’t really give a fuck if you’re sorry or not. I just want to know why. Was it all part of a plan to get me to admit it? Are you even bi?”
“Yes, Kieran, I’m bi. I was married to a guy before your mother, and she knew that from the beginning. I don’t keep things like that from my partners. It was never an issue between us. That’s why her reaction shocked me.”
“That still didn’t mean you could tell her.”
“I know that, Kieran. I’m not trying to justify anything here. It’s just to give you some context.”
“Fuck the context. Regardless of how she reacted. It’s my sexuality, and I get to decide when and who I come out to,” he shouted, unable to stop his voice cracking.
“She already knew, Kieran.”
“What?” He wasn’t sure he’d heard right.
“All she did was ask me to confirm it.”
“How did she know?”
“I’m not sure. She mentioned a guy called Fergus.”
The guy he’d lost his virginity to. But he’d been seventeen when that happened, not the eighteen he was when she’d booted him out.
“How long was it between you confirming her son was queer to when you pissed off somewhere while she booted me out?”
“I had no idea she was going to do that, Kieran. It was two weeks after I’d asked her to wait until you were ready to talk to her about it. She agreed. Then I was away when it happened. I didn’t know a thing until I came back and you were gone.”
“What did she say?”
Kieran noticed Derek’s eyes looked wet, and he shook his head, as if he didn’t want to share. That just made him angrier.
“Fine, do you want to know what she said to me?”
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me anyway.”
“No son of hers was going to be a fucking pervert. She’d rather I was murdered than be queer, or that she could have done a test when she was pregnant and had me aborted.
Then she’d made it clear that I was never to contact her or my sister ever again.
I had an hour to pack up whatever I could and get out.
I had to leave so much behind. She gave me a hundred quid and told me to get as far away from her as possible. ”
“Where did you go?”
“Where do you think, Derek? I had a hundred quid, which got me into London and fed me for a few days.”
“A hundred quid? She said she’d given you ten grand. Kieran, if I’d known she’d kicked you out with nothing, I’d have tried to find you.”
Kieran wasn’t sure what to say to that. His emotions were battering him. He took a swig of his drink. Fuck – that was a strong vodka, but it hit the spot.
“I want to know what happened when you got back from your convenient business trip and I was gone.”
“It was a genuine trip, Kieran. I had no idea that’s what she was going to do. When I got back and she told me you’d gone, there was ten grand gone from our joint account. It lined up with what she told me, but it didn’t matter . . . that was it for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, my marriage ended that day, Kieran. I could never be with someone who treated their child like that. My love for her died in that moment.”
He downed his whiskey, mumbled something about getting another, and walked out. Kieran wasn’t having him drop that bombshell and just walk out, so he went after him into the kitchen.
“What did she say, Derek? I want to know exactly what she said to you. You owe me that.”
“Just let it go, Kieran. The woman’s a homophobic cunt. Why do we have to give her any more airtime? Didn’t she cause enough damage? I told her our marriage was over and walked out. Within two weeks, all my stuff was out of the house and I’d filed for divorce.”
“What did she say?”
“She said it was my fault. I was the one who corrupted you. That it was my fault her son was . . .”
“What?”
“Dead,” he whispered, getting choked up.
Kieran had never seen Derek so emotional before. Well, that wasn’t fair. He’d been incredibly kind and caring when Kieran had come out to him, and he’d seen him shed a tear at a soppy film, but this was different.
“I tried to get hold of you, Kieran, but she’d had your phone disconnected. By the time uni started, it had been three months since you’d left. I assumed I’d be the last person you’d want to hear from, given she only found out because I confirmed it.”
“She said you’d outright told her, and that you’d only said you were bi so I’d admit to my perversion, as she put it.”
“I promise you, that’s not how it went.”
Kieran knew Derek was telling the truth, but he wouldn’t admit that out loud.
He’d still shared his sexuality with his mum without his consent.
If it had happened when he was at uni, he wouldn’t have had to stay at that homeless shelter and experience all the fucked-up shit that happened there.
His life could have been very different if he hadn’t been to that place.
He might have finished medical school instead of flunking it.
Even though he was glad he hadn’t become a doctor, he’d had his choices taken away from him by other people.
“I’m gonna go home. My head’s fucked. I need to think.”
“You’re not going home on your own, Kieran. We already had this conversation.”
“Wasn’t really a conversation, though, was it? You gave an order, and here I am in your house.”
“Please, just stay here tonight, and we can talk some more in the morning.”
“There’s more?”
“This would be about the guy from tonight.”
Kieran groaned. He didn’t want to talk about him. The guy was an arsehole, and he had been grateful to Derek for stepping in. He’d been very insistent on getting Kieran into the back. He wasn’t sure he’d have been able to stop him if he’d gotten physical.
“You banned him, didn’t you?” asked Kieran.
“Yes. I don’t want people like that in my club. Had you met him before, Kieran?”
Derek was watching him intently. Those eyes made Kieran feel compelled to obey. What the fuck was that about?
“How many times?” asked Derek.
“Twice.”
“Is he your dom?”
Kieran’s eyes widened. “How did you . . .”
“I know a dom-sub dynamic when I see one, Kieran. Although that guy isn’t a real dom like me. He’s an abusive arsehole.”
Kieran’s head spun. Derek was a dom? What the fuck? Is that why Kieran felt compelled to obey when he used his stern voice?
“Kieran, answer the question.”
Yep, it was definitely that voice. His cock twitched in his jeans. What the fuck was wrong with him? “No, he’s not. I don’t have a dom. We just did a scene a couple of times. I wasn’t interested in what he wanted tonight.”
“What did he want?”
“I’m not answering that.”
“I’ve got an idea, but why were you saying tomatoes repeatedly to him?”
“It’s my . . . it’s my safe word.”
Derek nodded, and his eyes flashed with anger.
“I don’t like tomatoes and they’re red, so I thought it worked.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, but consider thinking of a safe word that’s one syllable. It’s easier to say when your heart rate is elevated.”