5. Sadie
Five
Sadie
I sink down into my usual seat in the Toronto Thunder’s packed arena, carefully balancing my popcorn and my soda so that they don’t spill. A few stray kernels tumble out and skitter to the floor despite my best efforts, and I frown.
As an intern for the team, I would’ve been offered tickets to tonight’s game either way, but I already have a standing date with Lilah to go with her to all of the Thunder’s home games. I’ve been occupying this exact seat a couple of rows above the Thunder’s bench since the season started back in October, and from this seat, I watched Lilah fall in love with the team’s star center, Kincaid Campbell. Like, head over heels, angels are singing type love. The kind of love I wasn’t sure existed until I witnessed it firsthand.
They fell in love hard and fast, and got engaged over the Christmas holidays. In July, Lilah Ferguson will become Lilah Campbell, and I’m so excited to be her maid of honor. They live together now, and sometimes (okay, fine, often) I think about Shane rattling around in that big house all by himself, and I wonder if he’s lonely.
He doesn’t seem to date, doesn’t even seem to have much of a social life. Coaching the Thunder is his life, and I wonder if he wants…more.
I make a mental note to add those thoughts to my secret journal later. It’s the one I started to help me process all of my obsessive thoughts about Shane, and it’s where I write down my thoughts and wishes, my questions and fantasies. It helps me feel less alone with my overwhelming feelings for my best friend’s father.
The arena’s lights dim and the team takes to the ice, the crowd roaring, and I roar right along with them. Music blasts through the sound system and lights flare against the stark white ice. Just then, Lilah drops into the seat beside me, flushed and breathless.
“Sorry I’m late!” she says brightly. “Did I miss anything?”
I shake my head, shooting her a smile before returning my attention to the players circling the ice. “Not a thing. They’re just getting started.”
I don’t even have to look to know the moment Lilah’s eyes land on Kincaid. She goes completely still beside me, and when I glance over at her, she has the softest, most adoring expression on her face as she watches him. I can practically feel the love radiating off of her.
God, I wish someone would look at me like that.
No. That’s not true. Not someone. Shane. I wish Shane would look at me like that.
Thinking of Shane immediately draws my gaze to him as he takes his place behind the bench. He looks delicious in his exquisitely tailored dark blue three-piece suit. The way it clings to his broad shoulders and tapered waist should be illegal. His pants hug his muscular ass, and I bite my lip to make sure my mouth stays closed and no drool escapes. His stubble is longer than it was when I last saw him two days ago, verging on beard, and I want to know what it might feel like against my inner thighs. Would it leave me scraped and raw?
Another thought to ponder in my journal later.
The anthems are sung and the lights come back on, reflecting off of Shane’s thick, dark hair, and as if pulled by some invisible string, his eyes lift and collide with mine.
All the air leaves my lungs in a rush. My heart literally skips a beat. Heat licks through me, spreading across my chest and up to my face.
I’m not someone who blushes easily, but around Shane, I can’t seem to help myself. I’m powerless against all of my body’s reactions to him. Powerless and helpless and utterly bound by them, because it’s not like I can act on them. I can’t risk the humiliation, the rejection.
I’d never survive it.
The puck drops and the game begins, the scraping of skates and the crack of sticks against the ice filling the arena. I try to focus on the game, but my attention keeps drifting toward Shane. He’s so tall and broad, and the way he prowls confidently back and forth behind the bench, barking orders and offering praise has me shifting in my seat. He’s so masculine. So confident and in charge.
He’s perfect, honestly.
“So,” Lilah says, nudging me with her elbow and drawing my attention away from her dad. “How’s the internship going?”
“Good,” I say. I force my attention to the game, trying furiously to fight back the blush I can feel creeping up my neck. I think about the most benign things I can conjure up. Toast with jam. Willow trees. The sound of a guitar. Butterflies. I clear my throat and glance over at Lilah. “It’s exactly what I was hoping for, honestly. It’s not too arduous, but satisfies the course requirements.”
Lilah smiles at me, her pretty face lighting up. “Oh good! I’m so glad it worked out.”
“Me too,” I say quietly, my gaze already sliding back to Shane.
“So…” Lilah says again and waits for me to look over at her. “There’s a guy in my accounting class who I think…maybe…” She blushes and twists her fingers together. “Can I set you two up?”
“Oh, um…I don’t know…” My eyes are once again on Shane. He’s leaning forward, his hands braced on the boards, and I can’t help but trace the impressive breadth of his shoulders with my eyes. He barks out something to the players on the ice, and I’m mesmerized watching his full lips forming the words. What would those lips feel like on mine? Against my skin?
Between my legs?
“I thought you wanted to find someone to date?” says Lilah, frowning slightly.
“I…” It’s true. I have expressed, on numerous occasions, my frustration at still being a virgin and the only one of our friends without a significant other. “I know. But I think with the internship and everything, I should just focus on…on that.” I swallow and lick my lips. I tell Lilah everything, but god, I can’t tell her about this.
“Okay,” she says, shooting me a skeptical glance. “But let me know if you change your mind.”
“I will,” I say, which isn’t a total lie. I just know I’m not going to change my mind. Just then, Shane turns and looks up into the stands, and our eyes meet. It’s like an electrical current charges through me, and I forget how to breathe. I watch his throat work as he swallows, watch his enormous hands clench into fists at his sides.
I want him so much. And I want him to want me.
The rest of the game goes by in a blur, because all I can do is stare at Shane’s broad back and think about him. I try to chat with Lilah, but every time Shane moves, I’m distracted. I don’t even notice when the Thunder manage to score a goal. I’m lost in my thoughts about Shane. My fantasies. My curiosities. What does he eat for breakfast? What’s his favorite song? What was his childhood like? What’s his favorite memory? What was his biggest challenge during his playing days?
The game comes to an end, and my heart twists when I glance up at the scoreboard. We’ve lost 6-1.
Shit.
I watch as the players skate off the ice looking completely dejected. The arena is almost silent, the electricity from earlier in the evening gone. You can almost taste the disappointment in the air.
My eyes flick back to Shane. His jaw is clenched tight, a muscle there ticking. His shoulders are tense, and his hands are curled into fists as he stalks off the bench and toward the dressing room. I can feel his frustration, his anger, his disappointment, his worry. It all hits me like a punch right to the center of my chest. I’m practically vibrating with the need to go to him.
If he was mine, I’d rub his shoulders until the tension ebbed out of them. I’d cup his face in my hands and tell him that he’s the best coach this team has had in years. I’d make him forget about the loss any way he wanted.
But he’s not mine, and all of those thoughts are just more pretty fantasies. I watch as he disappears down the tunnel, the heavy metal door slamming shut behind him with an ominous clang that reverberates down my spine.
Lilah touches my arm, startling me out of my thoughts. “I’m going to head out,” she says quietly. “Kincaid will…um. He’ll need me at home,” she finishes, blushing furiously.
I nod, shoving down the pang of jealousy flaring in my chest. I should go too, but I can’t seem to make myself move.
I need to see Shane. Just to make sure he’s okay.
“You go ahead,” I tell her. “I think I forgot something up in the office, so I’m going to run up and grab it. No need to wait for me.”
Lilah stares at me for a second, but then nods. “Okay. Text me later?”
“For sure.” My gaze darts around the arena, mostly because I’m scared that if I make eye contact with Lilah, she’ll see the truth written all over my face. She gives my arm a squeeze and walks away as the arena empties around me.
I fumble around in my bag and pull out my employee badge, then slip the lanyard on over my head. I make my way through the arena and to a back hallway where I take an elevator up to the executive offices. A security guard peers at my badge as I step out of the elevators, but he only gives me a cursory glance before returning his attention to the bank of monitors in front of him. On the screens, I can see all the tiny people leaving the arena.
Shane’s office is dark when I turn the corner down our hallway. I didn’t think he’d be here but…I don’t know. I just had to try. Maybe he’ll come by later. Maybe he won’t. But I’m going to stay for a little while in the hopes that he does because I just…
This is stupid. I should go. What am I even doing here? I start to turn back around, but then I remember the stress and frustration, the anger and worry etched across his handsome face, and I decide to stay.
I try the door to his office and find it unlocked, so I slip inside, the automatic lights flickering to life. It smells like Shane in here, like his cologne and a hint of leather and wood and man. I want to wrap his scent around me like a blanket. I want to bathe in it.
I settle onto the leather couch along the far wall and pull out my journal. My head is full to bursting with thoughts that I need to dump onto the page after tonight’s game. I grab a pen, flip to a new page and start to write, the words pouring out of me like water out of a burst dam.
My pen flies across the page as I write about how much I want Shane. How badly I want him to see me, to touch me, to kiss me. I want to know what his mouth tastes like, what his cock tastes like, what his come tastes like. I want to feel him moving inside me while he moans my name.
I write about how much I want to comfort him, especially after a tough loss like the one they had tonight. How badly I wish I could be the one he turns to in darker moments. The one he leans on.
I’m so lost in my writing that I don’t hear the door open.
“Sadie?”
I jump, my pen skittering across the page. I snap the journal shut and look up at Shane. He’s standing in the doorway, his brow furrowed, his tie gone and the top button of his shirt undone, giving me a tantalizing glimpse of skin and collarbone.
“Shane,” I say, and I can already feel the blood rushing to my face. “I just…wanted to make sure you were okay. After the game?” I cringe at the way it comes out as a question.
Something flickers across his face, but it’s gone so quickly I don’t get the chance to decipher it.
“I’m fine,” he says, the words tight and clipped. Almost brusque.
“It was just one game and there’s a lot of hockey left this season,” I say, my anxiety ratcheting up. Am I annoying him by being here? Why did I think coming here was a good idea?
He looks at me, his gorgeous dark eyes intense. Unreadable. “I know.”
“You’re a good coach, Shane. I know you’ll get them back on track.” I sound almost desperate. Pathetic.
His jaw clenches and he nods. He moves into the office, but leaves the door open behind him. As he comes closer, the air suddenly feels thick. Electric.
My heart beats so hard against my chest that I think Shane must be able to hear it. He sits down on the couch beside me, close enough that I can feel the heat of his big body.
“Thank you,” he says quietly, his dark eyes searching my face. “That…means a lot.”
“I mean it,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “I believe in you.”
“That’s…” He shakes his head and pushes a hand through his hair, the silvery strands at his temples glinting in the light. “Sweet.” He looks almost pained as he leans forward, bracing his forearms on his thighs, his hands clasped between his knees. “Nights like tonight are…tough.”
“I can only imagine,” I say, and I wish I was brave enough to reach out and touch him. But I don’t. I can’t. Because then he’d have to let me down gently, and then I could never show my face here again. “But one loss doesn’t define this team, this season, or you. Adversity can strengthen you. The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire.”
His eyes flick back to mine, and my breath stalls in my lungs. I’ve never seen him look so…so soft. So open.
He’s looking at me as though I’ve given him a precious gift and it makes the entire world around me disappear completely.
“I hope so,” he says, and I smile at him.
“I know so.” The corner of his mouth kicks up and all I can think about his how badly I want to kiss him. How badly I want to crawl into his lap and spend the night distracting him from his worries.
He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, the air between us full and heavy, like before a storm. My chest aches as my heart flutters and butterflies unfurl their wings in my stomach.
Shane’s gaze drops to my mouth, and my skin tingles with wild, electric currents.
Oh, god. Is he going to kiss me? I want him to more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I imagine it happening a thousand different ways in the space of a single heartbeat.
In one version, he reaches out and cups my face in his big, strong hands, pulls me to him and kisses me so, so gently. In another, he wraps his arms around my waist and hauls me into his lap before kissing me slow and deep. In another, he pounces, pressing me into the soft, worn leather of the couch and covering my body with his as he kisses me until I can’t breathe.
My heart is racing so fast that I’m dizzy.
Kiss me. Please, Shane. Just kiss me.
But then Shane clears his throat, the sound loud and abrupt in the charged quiet of his office. He looks away from me, his jaw clenched tight.
My stomach twists painfully as disappointment crashes through me. Of course he’s not going to kiss me. He doesn’t want me the way I want him. Why would he? I’m just a silly, stupid girl with a silly, stupid crush. I’m his daughter’s best friend. His intern. A man like him wouldn’t ever want a girl like me. He’s so sexy and mature and successful, and so painfully out of my league.
“It’s late,” Shane says, his voice gruff. He stands from the couch, putting even more distance between us. “You should go home, Sadie.”
“Yeah,” I say, my voice small and shaky as I quickly get to my feet. I’m dangerously close to crying, and I need to leave. “Sorry for…for bothering you.”
“You didn’t bother me,” he says, but he’s not looking at me, and his words sound hollow. He’s just trying to be nice. He could probably see me mooning all over him and now he’s embarrassed for me.
God, I’m embarrassed for me.
“Goodnight,” I say, my cheeks burning as I hastily grab my bag and head for the door, desperate to flee before the tears fall.
“Goodnight, Sadie,” I hear Shane say from behind me, and I don’t look back at him as I leave.
I barely make it around the corner before the tears come.