Chapter 28
TATE
Blair must’ve sensed that something was off. She agreed to stay up with me for a bit, but the moment she sat next to me on the couch, she tilted her head as if trying to read my mind. “What’s wrong, Tate?” she finally asked.
It was late, and I probably should’ve let it go, but I couldn’t. “I’m still thinking about what you said earlier, when you were concerned that I might try to fight you for custody. It bothers me that you don’t trust me not to hurt you.”
Blair shook her head. “It was only a fleeting thought. I just realized he’s not all mine anymore. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I don’t trust you. I’ve been processing this whole thing in waves. It was just a vulnerable moment. And it’s passed.” She looked into my eyes. “I promise.”
I wanted to be sure. “I’d never do anything to hurt you, Blair. I mean, haven’t I fucking done enough to ruin your life? The last thing I will ever do is make it more difficult. You’re in the driver’s seat here. You always will be.”
She placed her hand on my leg. “You didn’t ruin my life. I chose to have Nicholas. And I’d never change that.”
There was so much bottled up inside me right now when it came to her. But letting it all out would be dangerous. Still, I expressed what I could. “I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but Nicholas is really lucky to have you for his mother.”
“Thank you,” she said softly.
We sat in silence for a bit until she reached for her phone. “You want to see some photos of him when he was a baby?”
Is she kidding? “I would love to.” I beamed.
Blair scrolled through her photo library, and I leaned over her shoulder, closing my eyes as I recognized her floral scent.
She smelled exactly the same. And fuck, that brought me back to those first resort nights when I’d fought with every fiber of my being to stay away from her. A lot of good that did.
Blair moved through her photos so quickly that she went too far and reached some images from when she was pregnant.
I stopped her. “Wait.”
She shook her head. “You don’t need to see that.”
“Yes, I do,” I insisted, holding out my hand for her phone. “Please.”
Her face reddened as she handed it to me.
I could hardly speak at the sight of Blair pregnant with my baby.
Her face was a bit fuller, and she absolutely glowed.
Her smooth belly peeked out from under a shirt that could hardly cover her.
If there were ever a photo I wished I could jump inside, this was it.
I would have bent and kissed that beautiful stomach.
Transfixed, I asked, “How many months were you here?”
“Probably right around nine, actually.”
I shook my head. “You were so beautiful, Blair.”
“Once again, you’re a good liar, Tate.”
“Are you kidding me?” I looked at her briefly before returning my eyes to the photo. “What about this isn’t beautiful? Your skin. Your smile. Your curves. You’re fucking luminous,” I murmured. “God, it’s amazing.”
“Well, I felt far from luminous when that photo was taken. I was ready to burst.”
I continued to stare down at it. “How did you feel when this photo was taken? I don’t just mean physically, but overall. Tell me what was going on in your mind.”
She looked at the image of herself. “I felt scared, unsure of whether I was going to be able to do it—be a mother. I knew I wanted a family someday, but not that soon.” She turned toward me.
“I also felt sad. I was still mourning losing you and wished so badly that you knew what was happening.” She paused.
“But I wondered how you’d handle it, too.
I knew you’d had a rough time with your son, and to know you had another on the way.
.. I wasn’t sure if you’d be happy or freaked. ”
“I would’ve been happy, Blair,” I assured her. “Maybe a little scared, too. But it’s truly a gift to get a second chance.”
“I’m glad you feel that way.”
“Did you know you were having a boy?”
“I did.” She grinned.
“What made you name him Nicholas?”
“It’s my grandfather’s name.”
“Oh, sweet.” I smiled. “What’s his middle name?”
She grinned again and bit her bottom lip. “Tate.”
My eyes went wide. “You’re kidding,” I whispered.
She shook her head. “I’m not.”
“I can’t believe you did that.”
“It was a last-minute decision. I wanted him to have some connection to you, and at the time, that was all I had to give him—your name.”
“Wow,” I murmured. “What an honor.”
“I’ve been waiting to tell you. I suspected you’d be happy about it.”
Nicholas Tate Moynihan
Maybe one day she’d let me change his last name to Delaney. He’d be the first of my kids with my last name, since Taylor’s mother had given him hers, and I hadn’t fought it.
I returned my gaze to the photo of Blair pregnant. My smile faded. “At what point did you have to drop out of school?”
“I stayed until I had him. So I only missed one year.”
But she’d missed the most important year—the one that would’ve earned her a degree in nursing.
When I went quiet, she said, “Stop feeling guilty, Tate. It is what it is. Neither of us planned it, but it was destiny anyway.”
I arched a brow. “You think Taylor’s gonna feel that way?”
“No.” She shook her head. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not destiny. No matter how he feels, we have to go through the fire.”
She offered me a comforting smile that made me feel good, despite the anxiety looming over me. It reminded me of the talks we’d had at the resort, where Blair, with all her nineteen years of wisdom, had somehow made me feel better about my fuckups. For a moment, it felt like no time had passed.
“I feel like I’m two different people,” I admitted.
She adjusted her position on the sofa. “How so?”
“I’m Taylor’s father, trying to figure out how to protect him from my actions. But sometimes, I’m also Tate...just a man who’s been reunited with his dream girl.”
“How come you never came looking for me?” she asked. “You could’ve gotten my name and contact info through the resort, even if yours wasn’t traceable.”
I’d been waiting for her to ask this. I sighed.
“I had myself convinced that you’d chosen to not look back, and had maybe even thought better of your decision to sleep with me.
” I shrugged. “Looking you up, when the ball was in your court, felt intrusive. I didn’t want to interrupt your life.
Since you never reached out, I believed separation from me was what you wanted.
” I shook my head. “Obviously, if I’d known what was really happening, I would’ve made a different decision.
It’s hard for me to fathom that I was out there somewhere having a mediocre day while you were giving birth to my child.
It seems like I should’ve sensed the world shifting or something. ”
“When I first looked into Nicholas’s eyes and saw you, I felt even worse that you didn’t know about him. It was hard seeing you in him each and every day.”
Damn. My eyes watered. “I guess the thing that makes this situation so difficult is also a blessing, right? Because if I wasn’t Taylor’s father, we might never have reconnected.”
“I know,” she whispered.
She then scrolled forward and showed me some of Nicholas’s baby photos and videos.
It was nearly too much to take: his little angelic face, his rosy cheeks, that adorable, toothless grin.
One video nearly did me in: he was about a year old and wouldn’t stop giggling every time Blair jumped out in front of him.
She said he’d had his first real belly laugh that day.
Such a happy baby, blissfully unaware that one half of him was missing.
As I checked out a Christmas photo of Blair holding Nicholas up as he sat on a shopping-mall Santa’s lap, I shook my head. “I still have so many questions.”
“Ask me whatever you want,” she said.
“Where were you when you went into labor?”
“I was in line at Target.” She chuckled. “My water broke, and I called my mom to come meet me. We drove to the hospital together. He was a week early.”
“And how was the labor itself?”
“It was twelve hours. Not as bad as some women have to go through. He was born at three in the morning.”
“Your mom was there the whole time?”
“Yeah. She was the only person I wanted in the room with me.”
My chest ached. “I would’ve wanted to be there.”
“I know,” she whispered.
“Would you have let me come in the room?”
“Of course. You’re his dad.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold your hand.”
“Well, giving birth was the easy part,” she pointed out. “It was the weeks after when I could’ve used you.”
“Tell me what it was like after you got home.”
She played with some lint on the couch. “Those first couple of weeks took a lot of getting used to. The breastfeeding wasn’t easy, but we eventually got the hang of it. As each week went by, it did get smoother. He was just such a good baby. Much like he is now, easygoing. I’m very lucky.”
“He gets the easygoing part from you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because my mother always told me I was a little tyrant.”
She smiled. “Did you tell your mother the news about Nicholas?”
“Not yet,” I said. “But I plan to this week. What about you?”
She shook her head. “I haven’t told mine yet, either. But I still plan to.”
“I hope it brings you some peace to talk about it with her.” After things went quiet, I changed the subject. My mind was all over the place tonight. “Do you really not remember what you wrote in that letter to me?”
Blair smiled. “I don’t remember the exact words, but I do remember I told you I loved you.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
She’d given me exactly what I wanted to know. And I wanted to tell her I’d loved her, too, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t toy with her emotions like that. And I had to balance my need for free expression with what was best for both of my children right now.
“Taylor’s friend Adam called me this week,” she announced.
Talk about a buzzkill. I’d been so comfortable talking to her, all the old feelings rising to the surface. But now? I stiffened. “Really...”
Blair nodded. “He asked me to go to dinner next weekend.”
I cleared my throat. “What did you tell him?”
“I said I’d let him know.”
“So, you haven’t ruled it out…” My cheeks burned. I couldn’t fucking help it. I hated being this way.
“No, I haven’t,” she said.
“I thought you weren’t into him.” My jaw tightened.
“I’m not sure. I told him I’d think about it.”
“What’s holding you back?”
“I don’t know if I like him that way.”
My blood pressure rose. “Can I ask you something?”
She looked up at me. “Yeah…”
“If we hadn’t found each other again, would you be hesitant?”
Her cheeks reddened. “You think you’re the reason I’m apprehensive about dating?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “From the moment I saw you at the wedding, I’ve been unable to concentrate on the idea of anyone else. It was the main reason I had to end things with Leah. So I’d understand if you felt the same.”
She swallowed. “Obviously you have an effect on me, Tate. You likely always will. But I feel like now more than ever, I need to try to move on with my life. If you truly feel like we can never be together because it will hurt Taylor, the sooner I can move on from any false hope, the better.”
“I thought we both felt that way,” I countered.
I knew in my heart it was best for her to move on.
Perhaps if she were with someone else, that might lessen the blow when Taylor found out about us.
But the idea of seeing her move on with someone else made my insides twist like never before.
I might be too old for her. I might not deserve her.
But I loved her. I loved and respected her now more than ever, knowing what she’d sacrificed because of me.
Yet I also understood that sometimes loving someone means letting them go. Hadn’t I held up her life enough?
Despite the regret rising in my chest, I forced myself to speak. “If you ever want to go out, I can keep Nicholas here for the weekend, so you have some freedom.”
Her expression was hard to read, and she wouldn’t look at me as she said, “I appreciate the offer.”
I’d indirectly given her my blessing to pursue other people, ignoring every last thing my heart and body truly desired. But I couldn’t allow her to give up any more of her life than she already had.
After a moment, she stood. “I think I’m going to hit the sack.”
“Okay...” I got up from the couch. “Did you want a T-shirt to sleep in?”
She shook her head. “No. I’ll just sleep in my clothes.”
It didn’t surprise me that she’d reject wearing something of mine. It felt too intimate.
Tension lingered in her wake as she nodded and walked away. Long after she’d joined Nicholas in the bedroom, I sat in a daze, yearning to be in there with both of them.