Chapter 31
TATE
Nervous wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I felt about seeing Blair tonight.
I didn’t want her to sense my jealousy. The closer it got to her date this evening, though, the more freaked out I became over the prospect of her falling for someone. I wanted her to be happy. I just didn’t know if I could handle having a front-row seat to it all.
I was a wreck, which made me realize how poorly I’d been managing my feelings for her. Offering to watch Nicholas sent her the message that I was okay with her dating other men, when in reality, I wasn’t okay at all. I felt ragey, to be honest. Like a fucking caveman.
Nicholas.
You need to focus on your son.
I’d worked extra hard this week to wrap up some projects at work so I could give Nicholas my undivided attention. This was big—our first time alone together. That was the only bright side of this whole date event. Getting one-on-one time with the little guy was a gift.
I’d bought more of the snacks I’d learned he loved from last time, some spare clothes in case he needed them, and a few new toys. Yes, I supposed I was trying to buy his love—whatever made it easier for him to be comfortable around me. Once he trusted me, I could slowly scale back on spoiling him.
Blair pulled up in front of the house, and I went out to help her bring Nicholas’ stuff in.
When I saw her, I nearly lost my breath.
Her hair was down and styled into long, loose waves.
Her black dress was form-fitting with tiny sequins.
And it looked awfully familiar. It hugged her ass and breasts in a way that made my heart race.
Her lips were painted red. The way she looked reminded me of the night at the resort where she’d dressed sexy to torture me.
In fact, I was pretty sure it was the same dress.
I remembered it. Fuck. It had worked then to drive me absolutely wild, and it was working the same way now.
It occurred to me that maybe Blair knew exactly what she was doing—just like the Blair I knew and loved back then. I cleared my throat. “You look nice.”
Nice? She looked fucking hot.
I tried like hell not to look down at her chest like a creeper.
But it was hard to take my eyes off her.
Memories of her beautiful body beneath mine flashed through my mind.
It was downright painful to remember what it’d felt like to be inside of her.
There was nothing I wanted more than to feel that again, and I feared I never would.
How would I handle her getting involved with another man? Could I be cordial to him? Could I hide my pain?
I went around to open the back door of the car and forced myself to shake off the jealousy for the sake of my son. “Hey, buddy!”
“Hi, Mr. T.”
His little voice hit me straight in the heart. I couldn’t wait for the day when he could call me Daddy. “Are you ready to have a fun night?” I asked.
He nodded as he exited the car.
I guided him inside as Blair followed with his overnight bag.
“You didn’t have to bring anything, actually,” I said.
“I meant to tell you that. I bought him some clothes to keep here, even though you told me not to. Just wanted to make things easier for you if you don’t want to truck stuff back and forth.
You’d mentioned he was wearing a size 4T now, so I kept that in mind.
Got stuff in 5T, too, in case he has a random growth spurt. ”
She nodded. “Okay, well, I’ll know for next time.”
“When are you coming back?” I asked, trying like hell not to scan her body like I wanted to.
“Tomorrow morning. Is that okay?”
“Yeah. Of course.” I scratched my chin. “You’re going straight to meet him from here, I assume, if you’re all dressed up…”
“Yeah. I won’t have enough time to stop back home again.”
Unable to stop myself, I gave her a once-over. “Well, be careful.”
“I will,” she said. “Let me know if you have any questions. Just text me if you need anything.”
What I needed right now I’d be keeping to myself. I managed a nod. “We’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Just try to enjoy yourself. You deserve a night off.”
She didn’t seem to be looking me in the eye much, which was strange. Was she ashamed of what she planned to do tonight? Or was that my paranoia playing with me?
“Please be a good boy for Mr. T,” she said as she hugged Nicholas.
“Okay, Mommy.”
Blair chewed her bottom lip. “I wish I could stay a bit, but if I don’t leave now, I’ll be late.”
“Take your time. Don’t rush. Believe me, what’s-his-name won’t mind if you’re a few minutes late.”
As if I could forget his name.
Adam.
Fucking Adam.
After she walked out the door, regret set in. Nothing about her leaving sat right with me. But I forced myself to shake it off and focus on my son. He deserved my full attention.
I turned to him and grinned. “Want a snack?”
Nicholas jumped in excitement. I laughed and got him situated in his seat in the kitchen. Then I prepared him a plate: two mozzarella cheese sticks, some Teddy Grahams, orange slices, and Cheez-Its.
“I’m making spaghetti later. How does that sound?”
“Good.” He nodded with his mouth full.
I sat across from him, leaning my elbows against the table and watching him eat, and a calmness came over me.
There was nowhere in the world I was meant to be besides here with my baby boy.
This kid had no idea how much I loved him.
What a dream it would be to share a meal with both of my sons someday, out in the open with no worries.
A lump formed in my throat. That would be a miracle.
When Nicholas looked up and noticed me watching him, he smiled. I smiled back, amused once again to see my own eyes staring back at me. “What’s your favorite thing in the whole world, Nicholas?” I asked.
“Trucks,” he said as he chewed.
Yes. That was the answer I’d been hoping for. This kid was nothing if not predictable.
“I have a surprise for you after you finish your snack, okay?”
No, it wasn’t his birthday. But I’d already missed three of those. I’d missed a few Christmases, too. So that’s how I justified it. This was long overdue.
After he finished, I couldn’t wait to bring him outside before it got dark.
Nicholas squealed as he got a look at his very own ride-on truck. I’d gotten a dark gray one, just like mine. I knew this was completely gratuitous. I hadn’t even told Blair I’d purchased it, for fear that she’d tell me not to spoil him. But I couldn’t help myself and hoped she wouldn’t be pissed.
He got in, and I spent the next several minutes teaching him how to use it. Then I watched in satisfaction as my little man drove himself around the grass.
“What a big boy,” I called out. “You’re such a good driver.”
The love in my heart at seeing his palpable joy felt limitless.
Tears formed behind my eyes. Never again would I miss a moment of his life.
What a freaking gift. Not only to have a second son, but to have a child with Blair.
Something I would’ve never willingly allowed, but the universe allowed anyway.
It felt like an honor I’d never deserve, nor fully repay.
I took some videos of my son riding around in his truck. In fact, my camera roll was fast becoming filled with Nicholas images and not much of anything else.
After an hour and a half of playing in the yard, followed by dinner, it was getting close to bedtime. I finally convinced Nicholas to give the truck a break, promising we’d spend more time outside tomorrow.
While he played with the train set in the living room, I drew him a bath. Once I led him into the bathroom and put him in the soapy tub, he splashed with his rubber toys while I watched him like he was the second coming of Christ.
At one point, he looked up at me and asked, “Who are you?”
I froze. That was an odd question. Cocking my head, I squinted. “What do you mean, buddy?” He sensed something. I knew it in my bones.
But rather than answer my question, he just smiled and said nothing. The urge to whisper, “I’m your daddy,” nearly overwhelmed me for a moment, but this wasn’t the time.
After I put Nicholas to bed, I realized how much his presence had consumed me. I’d thought of nothing else for hours. Now I checked on him periodically, and it seemed he was out like a light.
That left space for my mind to return to Blair. I sat on the couch, mindlessly flipping through channels, unable to concentrate on anything but the fact that she was out on a date.
What if she really likes this guy?
What if she has sex with him because it’s been so long for her?
She said she hadn’t had sex since me.
Fuck. The thought of that made me crazy.
She’d also said she was looking for the same thing as when she’d met me—and I knew what that was. She’d been starving, and she was most certainly starving now if she’d gone four fucking years without it.
Fuck.
I felt sicker with each minute that I sat here, torturing myself. So I forced myself up and went into the bedroom. I decided to work out, anything to get rid of this nervous energy. I wanted to punch the wall, but I couldn’t with my sweet boy in the next room. This also wasn’t my home to destroy.
As I did push-ups, I felt feral and possessive. I’d made a huge mistake in encouraging Blair to go out. I wanted to be a better man, a stronger person, but I wasn’t. Because my feelings for her and my fears when it came to Taylor were mutually exclusive.
Despite the urge to text her, I couldn’t allow myself to do it. The push-ups continued.
Then my phone chimed.
Blair: How did everything go?
Tate: Perfect. He’s sleeping. We had an amazing time. He’s getting used to me, which is cool.
Now that she’d opened the door, it was so much harder to hold back.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
Don’t do it.
Tate: I fucking miss you, though.
Tate: I thought I could do this, Blair.
Tate: I fucking can’t.
I closed my eyes in shame, vowing not to type another word.
Blair: I know it’s late, but can I come there tonight so I can be there when he wakes up in the morning?
My heart beat faster. If she wanted to come here, it meant she wasn’t with him.
Tate: Of course.
I paced for the next two hours as I waited for Blair’s arrival. The moment I saw the lights outside, I went to the door and opened it before she’d even exited the vehicle.
“Sorry if I made you wait up,” she said, walking past me into the house.
“I wasn’t tired anyway.” I ran my hand through my hair. “How was it?” I tried to ask calmly, even though I was champing at the bit.
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “It was okay, I guess. We went to dinner. That was it. He seemed very interested in me. But…” She hesitated.
“But what?” I asked as my pulse raced.
“I just wasn’t…there.” Blair took a couple of steps toward me. “I was here. My mind was here.”
She’d given up her life for my child. I owed this woman the fucking truth.
“Well, it’s interesting you say that because from the moment Nicholas went to bed, I couldn’t get you off my mind.
I’ve been going nuts.” I inched closer. “I acted like it didn’t bother me that you went out with this guy tonight, but it fucked me up, Blair.
” I shook my head. “I wanted to be strong. But… You look so goddamn beautiful. And I just—”
“I got dressed up for you, not him.” She looked down a moment. “But you barely looked at me.”
“I was trying not to,” I murmured. “It reminded me of the time you dressed up at the resort and nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“It’s the same dress…”
“I know,” I whispered.
“It was all for you, Tate. All I wanted was to come back here and be with you tonight. I’m sorry… I can’t just shut it off. I don’t want anyone else. I haven’t since we were together.” Her chest heaved. “I can’t help it.”
The last fuck I had to give evaporated upon hearing those words.
“You’ve been so busy these past few years, trying to build a beautiful life for that boy.
You’ve done an incredible job. He’s absolutely perfect.
” I ran the back of my fingers along her cheek.
“But no one’s been taking care of you.” I inched even closer.
“Tell me again. What do you need right now, baby?”
“I need you. I’ve always needed you. Even after I thought you were gone forever, I kept looking for you. I couldn’t handle being with anyone else.”
My heart leaped, and I erased the space between us. “I’ve been fucking pretending this whole time, Blair.”
“Show me what’s real then,” she begged.
I dug my fingers into her hair. “This is real.” I took her mouth in mine and never looked back.