13. Annalise
13
ANNALISE
I sighed as I stood up from the yoga mat, glad that I managed to finish my workout. I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened that I didn’t have the energy to do anything besides studying and sleeping – and, of course, talking with Maksen through text messages.
Each time I sent him a text message, I felt my heart aching for him. It hurt me that all I could think about was that he was on an island with Katya. But I was worried about what might’ve happened there.
The last message I received from him yesterday made me think that he had done something to Katya. Although I didn’t really like how she was behaving with me, I still cared for her because she was my only sister and I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if anything had happened to her.
I took in a deep breath and made my way back to the house, where I ate my breakfast in the kitchen.
After finishing it, I ran to my bedroom to take a shower and prepare for another studying session. I opened the bedroom door and locked it behind me, then took off each piece of clothing I wore and finally got to the bathroom to take a long shower.
After several minutes I spent under the water, I sat down at my desk and a thought crept into my mind as I realized I had surveillance cameras all over the house. That meant my father could see what I was doing and he might have already found out that I was studying all day.
I didn’t care less. As a punishment, he could only continue to keep me locked up at home.
This was worse than anything.
I tried to not think about that as I opened one of the books, but my mind had other plans.
Maksen.
I couldn’t wait to see him again in three days and I didn’t expect that I would miss him already.
We’ve always hung out together, talking and laughing over things we found funny, but in the last few months, something changed between us and I felt for him more than I should’ve.
He became this powerful man I admired, able to accomplish everything he wanted, but most importantly, he became the man I wasn’t afraid of. The man with whom I felt safe even if my body reacted involuntarily to his touches.
Suddenly, a question came to my mind.
Was he thinking about me just as much as I thought about him? Did he wake up and fall asleep with my face in his mind, just like I did with his? Was his heart beating faster every time I sent a message, just like mine did?
Maybe we didn’t even share the same feeling, and maybe he helped me because he felt sorry for me. But I didn’t need his pity, and when he returned from the vacation with Katya, I was going to tell him this. Plus, he needed to focus on his future marriage with Katya, because she’ll be his wife.
The thought of him dressed as a groom and Katya in her beautiful white dress came into my mind. I felt a sudden tear rolling down my cheek without even announcing itself. He was going to marry her because of my father, and I couldn’t be more angry about that. It hurt me deeply.
I tilted my head to get rid of these thoughts, then I stood up and ran straight to the kitchen. I needed something to drink so I could be more focused on what I needed to learn today.
The house was quiet and I almost forgot Olivia was somewhere in it. I loved it this way.
I turned on the coffee machine and put a cup under it, and while I waited for it to be done, I took my soy milk out of the fridge. In a few minutes, the sound of the machine beeped telling me that my drink was ready so I added the milk.
The smell invaded my senses and it made my lips curl into a satisfied smile.
I took the cup and the moment I headed towards the hallway to get back to my room, I heard the front door slamming into the wall. I narrowed my eyes, scared of the awful sound that filled the entire house.
I took a silent step towards the principal hallway, and the moment I saw who was walking inside the house, my heart started racing the marathon of my life.
It was Maksen, followed by the most worried Katya I’d never seen in my life.
“You shouldn’t have been back already,” I said as I walked towards both of them.
The moment Maksen raised his gaze at me, his eyes glistened with tears and the only thing I could feel was his arms wrapped around my body. He was hugging me so hard, inhaling my perfume and sobbing, his chest rising and falling in an accelerated rhythm.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
Fuck it.
Every time someone touched me, I involuntarily counted to six in my head and it was happening so fast that I couldn’t even stop doing it. It was a strange impulse. I didn't know where it was coming from.
I tried to put my hand around him and not let the cup of coffee smash on the floor, and the moment I put my head on his shoulder, I met Katya’s glance. She had tears in her eyes and I saw how she was biting her lower lip nervously.
“He needs you,” she murmured so silently that I could tell only by the movement of her lips.
I nodded and caressed Maksen’s lower back as he was still keeping me close to his muscular chest. He kept me like that, breathing in hard and not saying a word. It scared me to see him like that, considering how he was most of the time.
I had never seen him vulnerable, but in that moment, I thanked God for seeing him like that because I realized something meaningful I didn’t know until then.
Me and Maksen were somehow connected. I didn’t know how, but I felt my heart learning the beat of his.
“Where do you want to go?” I whispered as soon as Katya left.
It was a surprise for me that she hadn’t made any scandal as I was already used to her doing. She just took her bags and walked upstairs, closed her door, and left me and Maksen in the same spot where we were.
“Wherever you want.”
“Well, we can’t go wherever I want. My father probably already sees us on the cameras and is making plans to get home earlier,” I explained and looked deeply in his eyes as he moved away from me.
“I took care of it,” he said and I saw how he let his eyes fall on my lips. “He’s not seeing the cameras in real time, but he sees what happened yesterday because it wasn't much of a big difference,” he added and winked at me.
“Oh,” I mumbled and my lips curled into a sincere smile. “Then let’s go to my room, or in the forest, or wherever you need.”
“I like every place as long as I am with you.”
I blushed. I blushed so hard that I felt my cheeks getting caught up in a consuming fire I didn’t know how to put out faster.
With a tiny drop of courage that fell into my veins, I took his hand in mine and made him follow me. I know he was aware of how much I liked spending my time in the forest, but he didn’t know my favorite place of them all, so I’ve got to show him.
We left the house with slow steps, keeping the silence between us until the only sound that was surrounding us was the thrill of the birds flying high in the sky.
The weather was just like us now, vulnerable to anything. The sun didn’t know if he should come out of the clouds, nor did the gray clouds know if they should let the rain drops fall on the ground.
“Where are you taking me?”
“In the most beautiful place of this forest,” I said as I gave him a soft smile.
He looked at me curiously, and the fact that his eyes were so tired from crying scared me. I didn’t know what happened to him, but I wanted to dig up into his soul and find out exactly what made him like that.
We plunged into the forest and passed by one of the few trees with the thickest trunks, next to which I loved to sit and simply enjoy the silence of nature.
As we were still walking, the wind was caressing our faces, and the birds didn’t stop chirping their magical songs. I smiled as I raised my eyes to the sky as if I wanted to thank someone for everything that surrounded us.
Mom, if you’re there, please, just help me figure this whole life out.
And help Maksen too.
Sometimes, I just felt the need to talk with her, even though I only did it in my mind. It felt reassuring to know that I could say something to my mother up there, and I knew she was hearing me.
“I didn’t know about this place,” he said as we arrived at the only place I felt good.
“I know. I think no one knows about it besides me,” I replied and stopped near the river.
Maksen gripped my hand in his, caressing my skin with his thumb. I saw how he analyzed the surroundings with his mouth open and it made me feel proud that I surprised him.
The place was the point where the river met one of the forest’s edges, and on the right, between some birch trees with white peeling bark, there was a small lake where I loved to bathe with my feet in summer. Everything surrounding us was mesmerizing.
“Do you want to stay there?”
“I just want to stay with you. That’s all. If you want us to sit here on this humid ground, then I’ll be glad to sit here,” he explained in a lower tone of voice.
I’ve never seen him like this before.
“Then let’s sit,” I said and sat down on the little spot of grass.
He sat beside me as he looked far away towards the horizon line.
“Tell me what happened, Maksen,” I said as I put my hand on his knee.
He looked at my hand, analyzed it, and it almost seemed like he wasn’t prepared for this move. I knew I didn’t initiate a touch towards him more than a hug normally, but I felt the need to do it now.
I needed to feel him. Physically. Mentally. However I could.
“We just came back earlier from the vacation. That’s all.”
He had that face he had made in the past when we were children where he was lying to me that he didn’t hide my toys.
“I know you’re lying,” I said and gave him a slight smile. “Tell me the real reason why you came back early.”
A deep sigh came out of his mouth and I saw how he started chewing his inner cheek. I squeezed his knee and started caressing it through the jeans he was wearing.
The wind blew onto our bodies with such force I felt shivers down my spine. And of course, he noticed my little tremble and gazed at me intently.
“May I?”
His dark eyes were always ravishing me, and no matter what he might’ve asked me, I would’ve always said yes. I nodded and the next moment he pulled me to his chest, covering me with his big arms and blowing warm air onto my neck. I felt tingles all over my body just at the thought that his lips were so close to me. And I didn’t feel any fear being in his arms.
“You’re having nightmares, right?”
I furrowed and nodded, tilting my head so I could look at him. “Yes, I am.”
“I’m having some nightmares too, but mine are more like flashbacks I get from my childhood. As if my brain tries to remember something, but it can’t manage to do it,” he explained in a lower tone of voice.
“Flashbacks of what?”
He sighed and took a deep breath in while his hands started wandering on my arms and playing with my fingers.
“There’s this man who has a tattoo with a bird in flames on his hand. He’s always keeping little me locked in the basement,” he spoke slowly, the pain he was feeling coming to the surface like a hurricane. “I’m always trying to save little Maksen from him, but I end up frozen in place, unable to make any move. And the man laughs at me, and Maksen is crying and I wake up even more scared and lost each time I’m having these nightmares.”
Oh. He was going through the same things as me.
“Maybe it is just a nightmare, Maksen. How do you know these are flashbacks?”
“They feel so real, and they’re affecting me in real life ever since I can remember,” he explained. “I’m afraid of being locked in tiny spaces, especially if there’s no light. I always have been. And the nightmares are so vivid, like I’ve lived each of them.”
I snuggled into his arms and let my head rest on his shoulder. With my nose so close to his jawline, I inhaled deeply, his cologne waking my entire being. I closed my eyes and kept silent for a few moments to think about what I should say.
And then it hit me.
“Do you recall anything unusual from your childhood?”
Please, don’t say you don’t remember anything.
He looked at me, and I saw a flicker of fear creeping into his eyes.
“I don’t remember anything from my childhood. My first memory is of me looking at you while you were studying for your first grade.”
No. It can’t be possible. He has to remember something. It can’t be the same.
“You don’t remember anything before that?”
“Absolutely nothing,” he quickly replied, and I saw how worried he was.
My head started spinning, and I felt increasingly dizzy with each passing second.
“Are you sure? Are you really fucking sure that’s the very first thing you remember??”
He grabbed me by my hands and moved me with ease so I could sit directly in front of him. Everything around me spun, and I felt bad. Really bad. My stomach was hurting and my entire body started shaking.
“Annalise, are you okay?”
“No,” I replied briefly, feeling the tears welling up behind my eyes. “I am not, because that’s my first memory too, with you looking at me as I took my first notes for the first grade.”
We both didn’t remember anything before then. We both had nightmares of this man hurting us. We both shared past traumas we had never spoken about until now. And I felt as if the entire reality I had constructed had been shattered and replaced with the biggest lie I had ever believed to be true.
What had happened to both of us?
My vision began to become blurry, and an overwhelming desire to vanish and never return engulfed me.
We were both broken, so how could we possibly repair each other when we didn’t even know what broke us?