29. Annalise
29
ANNALISE
“ T urn on the lights! Turn on the lights! Please don’t leave me here!”
My eyelids opened as I realized that Maksen was screaming next to me, probably being captured in a terrifying nightmare. I quickly sat up and put both of my hands on his chest, moving him gently to wake him up. He was trembling so hard it scared me and the water drops that were rolling down his face were showing he was trying to escape his own mind.
“Maksen,” I whispered close to his ear and started caressing his naked chest. “Wake up, Maksen. I’m here, there’s no one harming you,” I added, tilting him once again.
His eyebrows got closer into a serious furrow as he opened his eyes. He was analyzing the surroundings as if he was trying to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. I put my hands on his face and placed a kiss on his wet forehead.
“I’m here,” I whispered over his skin and all I could feel were his hands wrapped around my body.
His breath was heavy, his chest was rising at an alarming pace and I wanted to calm him down, but all I could do was to caress his neck with my thumbs.
I was feeling all of his sweat drops sticking to my body and wetting the pajamas I was wearing, but that didn’t bother me in any way. I wanted him to feel better after the awful nightmare he just had.
“It was him again,” he whispered, burying his face in the hollow of my neck. “I have to fucking kill him, Annalise,” he added and I felt shivers coming down my spine.
“You don’t have to kill anyone,” I said and caressed his cheek. “We’ll go through everything together and we’ll heal together.”
His body hardened in my arms when he hugged me tighter as if he was trying to refrain himself from giving me an answer I didn’t want to hear. I still couldn’t accept the fact that he killed the people my father told him to and also trafficking people, but that was what he was. Yet, I needed the right moment to come so I could ask him everything I needed to know about his job.
“I would like to believe that too, my dearest Annalise,” he said softly as he placed a kiss on the showing skin of my chest.
The shivers came back again on my spine, but now they turned into butterflies that went straight to my stomach, making me feel strange twirls I have never felt before. He gave me a delicate kiss and called me his dearest one. Did he know what he did to me?
His entire body softened, relaxing a bit, showing he managed to connect to reality and get rid of the terror he received from that nightmare. I wanted to ask him what he had dreamt of, but I didn’t want to make him feel worse. It was enough for me that I was seeing him better now. If he would’ve wanted to tell me, he would’ve done it without me asking for it.
Yet I still wanted to ask him a question even though the atmosphere wasn’t the proper one considering that he was keeping me in his arms, without having a t-shirt on. That was already making me way too nervous.
“I want to ask you something,” I said with a hushed tone as I continued playing with my thumbs between his tiny hair strands.
Maksen inhaled deeply, then raised his gaze to me. The spark in his irises made me realize he was ready for me to ask.
“Do you like killing people?”
My heart started pounding harder and I felt my stomach being stabbed by tons of sharp twinges as he let his eyes fall on my lips.
He seemed different now in the dim light of the moon that was immersing our room. I had never seen him like this. If a few moments ago I saw him scared and almost on the verge of crying, now I saw a completely different version of him, as if nothing had happened and he just woke up in the middle of the night.
“You won’t like my answer and you know it, Annalise, so why would you ask for it?” he whispered, starting to caress my cheek while he waited for my answer.
Everytime he used to touch me, I would literally lose my mind. What happened to the terror I’d always felt when I was being touched? Why was I feeling this good whenever Maksen was around me? I couldn’t recognize my reactions and I also couldn’t believe that I was able to forget everything when I was with him. It felt as if he made all the problems go away.
“I think I like to punish myself, so tell me the truth.”
His lips curved into a beautiful smile as he continued to stare at my lips and I wanted him to kiss me instead of talking. I wanted him to kiss me every second we spent together because it was the only thing that could make me happy.
“I like killing bad people, yes.”
“And you’re only killing those people?”
“Mostly,” he answered quickly and his muscles tensed. “Do you really want to talk about this right now?”
I questioned my dumbness at that moment and came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to discuss things like that, but it was the way I could hide the questions I really wanted to ask him.
I should have found my courage and talked to him openly about what I was feeling and what I had been thinking about all this time. But I felt ashamed that I wanted to open my heart to him when everything around me was falling apart. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy, not even for a second.
A fucking moment of pure happiness. That was all I needed to continue walking into the chaos that was emerging in my life.
“Your heart started beating faster, Annalise,” he breathed on my chest and I felt like I was going to fall from the highest mountain existing.
That was it.
I wanted to see how much I could handle. To see if the little Annalise was still somewhere inside my mind. I wanted to be comfortable with being touched, because that's how love is expressed among other things as well.
I wanted him to touch me and teach me how I should touch myself – how to not feel ashamed of anything that my body consisted of. I just wanted to feel something other than emptiness.
“Annalise.”
He demanded, and all I could do was put my hands on each side of his face and make him kiss me.
He pressed his lips on mine without hesitation while his breath was caressing my face. In a matter of seconds, our kiss became more beastly and his body made its way above me, making me spread my legs so I could feel him closer to me.
I felt like I was about to catch fire, and my heart didn’t know how it should beat anymore. Our hands were wandering on each other’s body and the way his lips were moving against mine only made me feel something warm and wet in the panties I wore.
My body was trying to accept everything, but it was my mind that was trying to stop me.
I didn’t know much about the closeness between two people, but I surely did feel something pushing between my legs through the thin material of the pajamas.
“Annalise, this does not feel right for you,” he whispered over my lips and put his calloused palm on my cheek, breaking our kiss with a heavy breath.
“Then make it feel right,” I quickly answered as I tried to catch my breath. “Teach me how to accept your touch because it’s the only one I want to feel.”
The moment he heard my words it was like he shapeshifted into a being I had never seen before. His eyes fell on my body, as if he was ready to devour me entirely. I didn’t feel scared for a second. My body knew Maksen wasn’t going to hurt me considering how it was responding to his touches, but my mind didn’t hesitate to warn me that something was wrong.
Maksen started leaving soft kisses on the pulse line of my neck, sending shivers down my spine each time his breath hit my skin. His hands were not going below my waistline and I loved that he didn’t cross my boundaries.
He raised his gaze to mine as if he still needed my permission to go further.
“Do what you want to me.”
He spent a few moments analyzing my answer and it seemed like he didn’t know what to do first. At that moment, I wanted him to forget about what I’ve been through and touch me as if I was just a normal inexperienced girl.
I took a deep breath when he started opening each button of my pajama blouse. He made every movement with a slowness that drove me crazy because I didn’t know what was coming. I was only aware of the nervousness I felt.
“Are you sure, Annalise?” he asked again, his voice trembling and his pupils dilated so much I could swear that his eyes were a black void.
“Yes,” I briefly answered and that was the moment I knew I couldn’t step back.
He took off my blouse as he let his eyes fall on my naked breasts. I was ashamed that he was looking at me like that, but I also felt good when I saw how hard he bit his lower lip. Once his mouth found its way to one of my nipples, my toes clenched with pleasure and my mind froze with fear.
Fuck.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
It’s not him, it’s Maksen, the man I deeply love. Get yourself back up, Annalise. You’re safe.
It’s not wrong to want to be touched by someone who loves you, even if you’ve been touched before by someone without your consent.
It’s not wrong to want to feel things after a life when all you felt was emptiness.
It’s not wrong to live your life and enjoy its pleasures, Anna, even if there was a man who made you not want to live anymore.
Stop punishing yourself, Annalise.
Forgive yourself.
You did nothing wrong.
“Little angel, look at me,” he whispered and that was when I realized he came back above me and his nose was almost touching mine. “You don’t have to do this. You’re not prepared for this and there’s nothing wrong with it. You’ll grow your wings, angel, and I’ll help you do it when you’re be ready.”
That was when I started crying.
The tears were rolling down my face, making me want to bury my face into the pillow and not face Maksen’s gaze again. I felt so ashamed now, but also relieved that everything stopped. I put my hands on my face, trying to hide my tears, but he quickly grabbed me by my wrists and pinned me with his eyes.
“Talk to me, Annalise.”
“I don’t want to,” I answered and pulled the blouse over me to cover my naked chest. “I wanted to feel you and…”
“And your wings haven’t grown yet,” he interrupted me and caressed my lower lip with his thumb.
His voice calmed me instantly, and his words made me realize what I needed – what we both needed.
“You’ll help me grow my wings, and I’ll teach you how to fly,” I said and he furrowed his brows in confusion.
“Why would I need to know how to fly?”
“You’ve not accepted your past, so I’ll teach you how to fly away from it until you’ll be ready to face it,” I explained and put my hands on his face. “I’ve accepted my past and I’ve lost my old pair of wings. Now I have to grow new ones to fly towards the future, and I don’t want a future without you in it. So I'll be here with you, until we're able to fly together towards a better life.”
He remained stuck for a few moments and his lips parted, letting the air escape between them. He kissed my nose, then pressed his forehead on mine, his breath resting on my skin now.
“You’re my definition of love, Annalise. You’re the definition of why I love life and why I love being a human,” he spoke so slowly, and the tears came in the corner of my eyes. “And you’re mine, angel. You’re fucking mine.”
And that’s when I kissed him with all of my being.
I was crying, and kissing him as if it would’ve been the last day I could’ve done it.
But the world we live in cannot promise us that it isn’t, in fact, truly the last day.