CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER THIRTEEn
JASE
W e look good together.
I’ve flipped back and forth between the pictures a thousand times since last night, and that’s the first thing that comes to mind every time. I keep scanning them as if it’s possible for me to pick a favorite, even though they’re all kind of perfect because of the person in them with me.
There are five shots in total, including a series of four selfies in a row with varying degrees of silliness. Nikko is all big smiles and goofy expressions, completely beautiful even with his face scrunched up and smooshed against mine. The last of the four is just us, leaning in, temples touching, with matching soft, besotted grins from gazing at ourselves on the screen together before I’d finally thought to click the button to capture the moment.
We are such opposites—me all pale and blond and blue-eyed, his skin like golden honey and those dark, starry eyes and black hair, but it works somehow. Looks good. Looks right.
The fifth photo, though, is my favorite. One of those shots I never thought I’d have of myself. Never thought I’d want, since I cringe when I see other couples post them. It’s slightly out of focus and tilted at an odd angle because we’d both been blindly fumbling with my phone, randomly tapping around the screen with our eyes closed, too lost in kissing each other to try to get it just right.
But this—I feel like it’s art. Staring at it now, in the middle of this hotel lobby while I wait for Nikko to let me know he’s in his room, I’m surprised it’s me. I don’t want to say that it doesn’t seem like it’s me, but it really kind of doesn’t. How am I seeing this—myself, my whole world narrowed down to his lips against mine? His hand is on my neck, my own fingers cradling his jaw, both barely noticeable on the other side of our faces, but the warmth of that touch still lingers.
For about one second, I consider making the photo my lock screen. I realize immediately that I can’t, no matter how much I might want it to be what greets me every time I pick up my phone. There’s too much risk that someone else might see, and I know that can’t happen. I probably need to get one of those secret folder vaults I hear the kids at school talk about, so I can password protect it or lock it up somehow. I know they use them for all their nudes and other things I wish I didn’t hear about, but here I am, needing to hide away something that’s barely PG.
It hits me all at once that this is how it would always be with him. Whatever we have will always be a separate part of my life. I won’t be able to share my stories or my excitement with anyone besides Kija.
Before I have a chance to spiral too hard, a text pops up with only a room number. I’m out of my chair immediately, already having forgotten what I just read in my hurry to get to the elevators and be wherever he is.
Once I’ve pushed the button and am now zipping up to the correct floor, I find myself smiling at my own reflection in the gold-toned doors. I’m eager to see him again. Even if we have to stay sitting a respectable distance apart, with the security chaperones hovering nearby, it’s just nice to be with him. I’d told Kija before that I’d never felt this way about anyone, and I didn’t even know how true that really was when I said it. I knew everything about this—everything about him—was different, but I hadn’t fully understood the extent until we were together. The idea of being close to him again makes me so happy, even though I just saw him a few hours ago.
Earlier, I’d joined the members for a late pre-rehearsal lunch in one of the ballrooms at the hotel. It seemed like all of Nikko’s brothers had given their approval to my presence in some way. That made me feel good about everything—especially seeing the way Nikko responded, becoming a little more confident in light of each of them.
The group viewing of the video that Chita had captured of Nikko and I seeing each other the first time had become something of a bonding experience, too. Everyone cooing and fussing over how smitten and dreamy we both looked. Nikko was blushing, shy but smiling, basking in their sibling-esque way of showing their support. I was pleased and kind of giddy, ready to beg Chita for that recording. Always observant, like Nikko said, Chita was already asking for my number to share it before I could even get the words out of my mouth.
One of the managers gave me the option to watch the show from some spot just off-stage, and I debated whether or not to accept. I liked the idea of being able to see from another vantage point, but as soon as Nikko confessed I’d be distracting, I knew I had to turn it down. Going back home to take care of Noel had been a good way to pass the time until I could come back and hang out when he was available again.
Three late nights in a row was completely uncharacteristic of me—honestly, one late night was pretty unlike me these days—but I wasn’t going to miss a minute of time with Nikko. I hated the idea that tonight, inevitably, we’d end up talking about what was next—what would happen when they left in the morning for another city and I had to go back to work and pretend like everything was fine. Like these few days hadn’t been the highlight of… well, my life.
The elevator dings as it lurches to a stop, and I step out the moment it opens, trying to figure out if I’m supposed to turn right or left down the hallway. Checking the number again , because my brain is entirely too consumed with all things Nikko to remember something as trivial as a room number, I practically speed walk past door after door until I reach his.
Raising my fist to knock, I’m startled when I don’t have the opportunity, instead finding myself face-to-face with Lux.
“Hi, Jase.” He gives me a knowing grin that quickly transforms into a smirk. “Have fun.”
Nikko appears in the space behind him, waiting until Lux slips past to greet me. I step into the room as he pushes the door shut, locking it quickly. “Hi,” he says, immediately rocking up onto his tiptoes to kiss me.
“Hey, hi yourself,” I reply, hands on his waist to hold him steady as he leans into me, so I can kiss him back. “Did you tell Lux to leave?”
“No. He …” Nikko frowns. “I do not know the word. He left. On his own.”
“Volunteered?” I suggest.
Nikko nods, pulling me further into the room. “Yes. That. Now stop talking.”
I can only smile into the kiss as I walk him backward toward the bed. Words are overrated anyway.
??
We’ve spent less than 36 hours together, but somehow, Nikko seems to have figured out every single way to make me absolutely crazy. For someone who said he didn’t have any kind of experience, he’s more than made up for it in curiosity, enthusiasm, and what can only be natural giftedness. It’s been a long time since my make-out bandit phase in college, but I honestly can’t think of anyone else I’ve enjoyed kissing more than him. He’s learned so quickly what to do and how to do it so well.
These kisses taste somehow both bitter and sweet, like he’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of and never thought I could have. It seems ridiculous to think this about him already—it should be too much—but now that I know what we could have here, too much will never be enough.
Nikko’s hands are warm under my shirt, leaving an invisible mark like he’s claiming his territory on my skin. Everywhere he touches burns hotter as we gasp into each other’s mouths. Each time one of us shifts, the contact only becomes more of a tease. I want to yank his hoodie and sweats off and press my lips to every inch of him, lingering in all the places that make him moan.
Even as I pull away just enough to breathe, I know it’s not time for that, not yet. I don’t know when it will be; I don’t even know when I’ll be able to see him again. But rushing to give in to everything I’d like to do to and with him is not how I want the night to end. Looking at him here in my arms, his leg hitched up over my hip, eyes dark with lust, lips shiny and swollen from kissing, makes it difficult to not dive back in immediately and take anything he’ll give me.
“Jase.” His voice is soft, shaky, as his nails skim over my ribs. The combination gives me goosebumps. “Kiss me more.”
I bow my head for one quick, chaste peck and lean back to put a little bit of space between us. It almost hurts to disengage like that, but we both need some air. “I’d kiss you all night if I could.”
“Please do,” Nikko pouts, his hands slipping to my arms to grab at me, trying to bring me closer again.
Glancing at the clock on the bedside table, I see how late it’s gotten—the hours melting away as we’ve been lying here together. I take a deep breath, already not liking what I know I have to say. I hate being the responsible one, but I know I need to. “We should talk, I think, before I have to go.”
He bolts upright, alarmed. “You want to leave?”
“No, I don’t want to leave. But I have to at some point, and you do, too. You’ve got to get to your next stop. I have to go back to work and act like everything is normal…” I trail off, the impossibility of that task looming large as he peers at me, the stars in his eyes dulled by sadness.
“Nothing is the same,” he says, taking my hand to slip his fingers between mine.
I shake my head. “No, it’s not. This is… You are… It’s all so much more than I could have even imagined. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to the way things were.”
“Do we have to?” Nikko asks, focusing somewhere past me. “I do not want to go back to before this. I want what we have now.”
How do I ask what this is for him? Could he give me an answer? There’s definitely something here, and we both feel it, but how can we seriously pursue anything while living in two separate worlds? The distance feels like the least of our problems, and that’s really saying something when we typically exist in different days of the week.
I must stay quiet for too long, because he brings his gaze back to meet mine, nervous. “Do you not? I am sorry. I should not have—”
“Nikko, no,” I cut him off before he can get anxious. “I want you. Do not doubt that. If I could quit my life and be VOX professionally and just follow you around everywhere, I’d be figuring out a way to do that already.”
He smiles a little, but it’s not the kind I love. This is small and kind of wobbly, his best attempt at one just for show. “I understand. This is not a good way to have a relationship.” He squeezes my hand suddenly, pleading. “I know about all the papers you had to sign about us talking. So you would stay quiet. I did not ask for that. The company insisted.”
“I know. I understand enough from what Kija has told me over the years. But I didn’t need any of that paperwork; I wouldn’t have ever said anything. I’m not going to share any secrets. Yours or ours. Whatever happens between us stays right here, with us,” I promise. I wonder what and how much they told him—and if it was before or after I’d scribbled my name a hundred times.
Nikko nods once, acknowledging what I’ve said, but there’s still a darkness, some unhappiness clouding his beautiful face. “I cannot ask you for more.”
“You can ask me for anything,” I assure him. “We want the same things.”
I have to pause again, because I don’t know how to explain that seeing his life like this has made me feel like the last three days have been some sort of hallucination. I have no idea where or how I could fit in, beyond being on the other side of a screen sometimes.
Letting go of my hand, he rearranges himself to sit cross-legged by the pillows. I sit up to mirror him, as though that will help me prepare for whatever he’s about to say.
“If it were not like this,” he begins, speaking slowly like he’s choosing his words carefully, “what would it be like?”
It takes me a second to guess at what he might mean. “You and me? In another life?”
“Yes.” He leans back against the faux wood headboard. “If I was not an idol and we met somehow. How would we be?”
I immediately think back to the beginning, when we first started talking and I had no idea who he was but already realized I was attracted to him. I hadn’t given in to many daydreams since he was so far away, but there hadn’t been the incredible obstacle of worldwide stardom. I want to play along, though—to imagine some kind of alternate universe where we were just two people who wanted to be together.
“There was a bookstore in Hongdae that I went to a lot. I think we could have met there. I’d get all lost in the aisles, and I wouldn’t notice anything around me until we were reaching for the same copy of a poetry anthology. But I’d forget about the book as soon as I saw you.” I smile, because it’s easy to see.
Nikko is grinning, too, like he enjoys this scenario. “Then what?”
“I’d probably get nervous and try to sneak off around the corner to watch you like a creeper,” I admit. I really never have figured out how to function like a normal human around people I find attractive, so it’s actually kind of amazing I’m doing as well as I have with Nikko.
He laughs. “A creeper?”
“Yeah, unfortunately,” I chuckle. “If I managed to convince myself to be brave, I would’ve asked you to go get hotteok at a little place nearby.”
“I would say yes.”
“I would hope so. I know I’d ask for your number, maybe even try to hold your hand before we went our separate ways,” I muse.
A quick smirk flashes across his face. “I might try to kiss you.”
“Bold. I like that.” I’m sure he’s figured out over the past few days that, for now, I prefer to let him make the moves, to dictate what happens when. “What do you think?”
Nikko closes his eyes for a moment as he thinks. “A cafe in Insa-dong. I get coffee with a friend. Maybe Lux, but I would only know him as Yung-Sun then. I would tell him that I thought you were cute when I saw you. But you look like an American tourist, so I would not know you speak Korean. You would be able to hear what I was saying.”
I tilt my head, intrigued by this version of events. “I’d trip over my own feet if I heard anything like that. Especially from someone like you.”
“Someone like me? I am just a guy in a cafe,” he tells me.
I can’t help but laugh. “Nikko, you will never be just a guy anywhere, in any situation. Even not famous.”
His perfect lips turn down some, not quite a frown, as he considers this. “You would not like for me to say those things?”
“I wouldn’t be able to believe you were talking about me .”
“Of course I would be. You know I think you are very attractive,” he says, like this is so obvious it’s ridiculous. “Would you tell me you knew what I said?”
Would I? The situation still seems so crazy that I’m not sure what I’d do. But we’re pretending, so anything goes, I guess. “Yes. I think I’d feel bad for accidentally overhearing. But I’d probably do something embarrassing like bumping into you and knocking one of our coffees over and would end up cursing or something that would let you know I did indeed speak Korean.”
Nikko snorts. “As long as it is not Sun’s coffee. He would be very upset.”
“Got it. Do not mess with Lux’s coffee.” I sit back a little more and keep thinking. “Maybe we could’ve met on a train to Busan. I always liked to go to the sea.”
“Are you sitting alone on the train?”
“Depends if Kija is with me. But we’ll say he’s busy, so yes, sitting alone.” There’s something that amuses me about bringing Kija into this, but if Nikko gets Lux, I can have a friend, too.
Shifting to move closer to me, Nikko asks, “What do you do on the train?”
“Sometimes I read, but I think this time I’m just staring out the window and watching the scenery like an actor in a k-drama that’s going through a break-up.” I look mournfully across the room, doing my best impression of an overwrought soap-style scene.
Nikko cracks up, just like I hoped he would. “I would have to sit next to you, because I would feel so bad for you.”
“I don’t want your pity companionship!” I yelp, all faux indignation.
He gasps, eyes wide. “But I would make you feel better!”
“I can’t really argue with that, so you win.” I let myself slide toward him, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. He sighs contentedly, so I do it again.
“After we met those times, would it be like this?” he questions in a whisper.
“Yes. I’d hold your hand on walks at Hangang Park and kiss you at every crosswalk. Go out for samgyeopsal and tteokbokki. Try to make ramen at home some nights and hope we don’t set anything on fire…” I stop talking, noticing that Nikko’s face falls, his expression a little unhappier with each thing I say. “What is it?”
“I want that,” he murmurs, like he’s afraid to say it too loud, to admit that a normal life has some kind of appeal to him.
Before I can respond, there’s the sound of a lock clicking, and we both turn toward the door just in time to see Lux breezing back in.
“I hope you’re dressed,” he singsongs in Korean, even as he’s got us in his line of sight, obviously still clothed.
Nikko gives him an icy glare. “Of course we are.”
“Hello, Lux.” I wave at him, feeling like I need to prove my hands are where he can see them.
“Hi, Jase. Nice to see you again.” He smiles, but it’s one of those that clearly says he will be giving Nikko so much shit after I leave. “Don’t mind me. It’s late and I need to do my skincare,” he announces, turning toward the bathroom.
I finally notice the time again. It’s so late that it definitely counts as early now. I’m not sure when they have to check out and leave for their next stop, but it probably won’t be too long.
Nikko doesn’t say anything as he tips over, letting himself sort of just fall into my lap. It’s sweet and domestic and makes my heart hurt a little bit, knowing that there’s a countdown on how long this can last. I slip my fingers through his hair, still thinking about our conversation—the ways things could have been in another life.
If this is all I get with him, it’s enough. I’ll always want additional time, but these three days have been more than I expected to be able to have. Nikko nuzzles against my thigh as Lux belts out some poppy tune while he goes through what seems to be an extensive routine, the sound of his voice and water splashing filtering into the room. It’s an odd moment in a weird situation, but it’s good. Bittersweet.
Lux reappears, his hair tucked back in some sort of furry looking headband, skin glowing. He drops down onto the other bed and stretches out. “You look pretty comfortable, ’Ko,” he comments casually.
“I am,” Nikko mumbles, his response a little muffled by the fabric of my pants.
“You were just talking this whole time then?” Lux asks, raising an eyebrow that seems disappointed somehow.
“Not the whole time,” I tell him, winking down at Nikko and he turns his head to hide the smile tugging at his lips.
“Good,” Lux remarks, folding his hands under his chin. “It would have been a waste for me to leave if not.”
Nikko sits up again, facing Lux. “We talked about you. And Kija-hyung.”
Everything about Lux’s nonchalant body language changes into something like panic. Interesting.
“What? Why?” he questions, then seems to catch himself. “I don’t know why you would talk about me. Or anyone else. When you could be doing things with each other.”
I can see Nikko trying not to laugh, and that seems like as good a sign as any that I need to leave while he’s amused. “I’m going to let you two get some sleep before you have to check out.”
Lux rolls himself up in the covers until he looks like he’s in a blanket burrito, then grabs a pillow. “Annyeong, Jase!” he yells, right before he puts the pillow over his face, either trying to block us out or maybe give us some kind of privacy to say goodbye.
Sliding off the mattress, I hold my hand out to Nikko and pull him up to me, then start toward the door. It’s shadowy here, and it feels like some kind of metaphor for us, being hidden. I’m not about to unpack it now, as I slip my fingers around the back of Nikko’s neck and gently tug him toward me.
He sighs as our mouths meet, opening up so sweetly. I hope he feels everything I wish I knew how to say as I kiss him, slow and deep. His arms wrap around me, tight at my waist, squeezing me as he moans softly.
Finally breaking away when we absolutely have to have air, I bow my head to rest my forehead against his. “I’m just going to say good night, because this is not goodbye. I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but this is not over.”
His eyes look a little watery, but he still whispers, “Okay. Good night, Jase.”
I kiss him once more before I reach for the door handle. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
Nikko nods, watching me until the door closes between us.
At least I make it to the elevator and start descending before the ache sets in and has me pressing my hand to my chest.
I just walked away, but damn, this hurts already.