CHAPTER NINETEEN
JASE
T he second his teeth sink into his lower lip as he gazes up at me through his eyelashes, I know . I know he wants what I want.
I’m positive that we’re on the same page. Or at least in the same chapter. We’re definitely reading the same metaphorical book. That’s enough for me right now. I need to be closer to him. I have spent every night we’ve been apart dreaming about this—finally having the chance to be with him again.
The fact that he showed up for me—I didn’t even have to go to him—tells me everything. We both want this—the complications, the difficulties, whatever may happen—we want to try if that’s what it takes to be together.
Nikko blushes as my eyes slowly sweep over him. He takes a few steps toward me, the distance shrinking until we’re face to face, sharing the air in the very limited space between us. Tilting his head just so, he stretches up on his tiptoes, and it’s all the encouragement I need.
One of my hands slips around his waist, tugging his whole body against mine, as the other cradles his jaw. The touch of my lips on his is electric, just like I remembered, just like I was sure it would be again. Even a kiss this chaste seems incendiary, lighting a fire that I know will consume me.
He whimpers softly, his fingertips catching the hem of my shirt and twisting, holding me where I am. I don’t have to wait for him to ask for more, as he timidly coaxes my mouth open, his tongue slipping teasingly against mine.
I kiss him until I’m out of breath, until air seems unnecessary because I feel him smile against my lips. I swallow down each sound he makes, take them in to keep forever. I want to let each of his sighs and pleas fill in the empty spaces that were left when we were apart, put every piece that felt broken and out of place back where it belongs.
We’ve probably said enough words for now—agreeing we’re both in this, for real, for good. But I feel like I can’t go any farther, can’t let myself give in to all the things I want to do, until he knows. I need him to know. “Nikko.”
He pulls back just enough to blink up at me in a daze, lips and cheeks all pinked up. “ Wae ?”
“Why what?” I ask, brushing an errant strand of hair out of his eyes.
“Why did you stop? I want more,” he pouts.
I kiss him again, just once, and sit on the edge of the bed. I take a deep breath to try to slow the rabbit-like beating of my heart, all worked up from what has happened and what I’m about to do. “I want more, too. I want… everything.”
Hopping onto the bed with me, Nikko straddles my lap, clearly trying to get things moving again. “You can have it. I want you to.”
“I just… there’s something else that I need you to know,” I tell him, taking his hands before they can start roaming.
He sits back on his heels, peering back at me, waiting. Curious. “I am listening.”
“I don’t know if this is too soon or not soon enough, but for me, it’s important that I tell you now, before we do anything more. I’m not expecting anything. There’s no pressure or obligation…” I trail off as he looks at me, his eyes softer and more full of stars than I’ve ever seen them. Like he might feel the same. He makes me fearless.. “Saranghae, Nikko. I love you.”
He throws his arms around my neck, squeezing me tightly. “I love you, too. Nado saranghae.” His voice is muffled by the way his face is smushed into my shoulder, but hearing him say it back is even more than I expected or could have hoped for. “I did not think…” He stops, sniffles, and presses a kiss to my throat. “I did not think I was ready for you. I was afraid of how I felt when you were there, but it was worse when you were gone.”
“But I’m here now.” I pause to turn his head and bring our lips together again. “We’ll figure out the rest.”
“Later.” Nikko nods. “Now, I want you.”
“You have me,” I promise. I whip my shirt off, and he does the same, almost mirroring my movements. It’s both very cute and very sexy. “Just tell me what you want.”
He catches my eyes and maintains steady contact as he says, “Everything.”
My heart is pounding, and my cock is already almost fully hard. This whole moment feels so big in so many ways. I want to give him what he wants. I want to give him all that I can.
Standing up, he shimmies out of his pants and underwear, tossing them aside and pulling back the covers on the bed before crawling to the center and lying down. He watches me as I undress, his hands sliding down over his abs, then gives himself a few loose strokes.
Joining him on the mattress, I lean down to kiss him, slow and deep. “Nikko…” I need to put my mouth all over him, to taste him everywhere so badly. I’ll beg if I have to.
He looks at me, fingers slipping through my hair and trailing down the back of my neck. “Yeah. Yes.” He nods, without even knowing what I’m asking. It makes me crazy in the best way that he trusts me like this, that he wants whatever I want.
I slide down his body, dropping dry kisses over his chest, his abs, each of his hip bones, the tip of his cock. I assume that he thinks I’m going to suck him off, and I will if that’s what he prefers, but I have other plans first, if he’ll let me. “Can you roll over for me?”
His eyes widen immediately, clearly surprised. “Over? On my stomach?”
“Yes. I want to try something I think you’ll like.” My mouth waters as he slowly starts to turn and then settles with his arms folded under his head. I don’t know if he’s familiar with rimming or not, but I am nearly desperate with the desire to give him this specific kind of pleasure. “Grab a pillow,” I tell him, swiftly wedging it beneath his hips as soon as he hands it to me. I cup his ass and ask, “You’ll tell me if you don’t like it, right?”
“Right,” he repeats after me, glancing over his shoulder. “But I want... what you want to do.”
Despite the lust searing through me as I take another look at him, his words make me feel fortunate—lucky—and I need to take a second to try to believe we’re really here. That I have him with me. Now. Like this.
I hear his breath hitch in surprise as I move my hands to his inner thighs, gently pushing them further apart, then trail one finger up between his cheeks. As I graze over his hole, I quietly ask, “Do you touch yourself here?”
“S-sometimes?” He fights a shiver when I spread him, anticipating what I will do next. “It is hard to find time and privacy,” he tells me, voice shaky.
“Mmmm,” I acknowledge as I lean over to flutter my tongue around his rim. Nikko moans loudly, hips twitching like he can’t decide if he wants to push back or pull away. I don’t want to tease him too much, even though I’d love to eat him out for hours, but I try to give him an introduction to how good it can be.
I let myself enjoy it, getting lost in the sounds he’s making. Alternating between long, leisurely licks, delving twists, and light flickers that don’t linger anywhere, I can feel him start to shake around me, his thighs trembling, knees stuttering further apart while I work him open.
“ Shhiiiibbaall ,” he curses, the syllables stretched out long as he smacks a flat palm against the mattress. “So good. So good,” he mumbles, giving in fully to the sensations and trying to get closer to me.
I let my fingertips dig in to part his cheeks a little more, allow myself to go just that much deeper, and he wails in response. Easing back, I switch to light suction, then take a second to circle his rim with the tip of my tongue. He’s panting like he’s just come off stage, rutting against the pillow trying to get some friction. I sit up, hands still on him. “Nikko…”
Immediately, he stills. “I like that so much. I did not want you to stop,” he admits, looking back at me, swaying slightly.
“I promise I’ll do it again. And again,” I say, teasing a fingertip over his hole. “But I need you to tell me…” I stop talking as he raises his hips up.
His gaze is heavy, eyes dark with desire. “I want you inside me.”
As certain as I was that he was going to say something like that, I’m still not prepared to hear it. Of course I’ve fantasized about it, daydreamed about it, but the reality of it is so different. I feel like this is as new to me as it is to him—to be with someone I’m so in love with.
“Jase? Please?” There’s a nervous edge to his tone that I don’t like at all. “I need to do this with you. I do not want to be with anyone else.”
I groan inwardly at the sudden death I seem to experience whenever he says things like that, but try to recover as quickly as I can because I don’t want him to be anxious. But I also don’t want my poor heart to explode, and it kind of feels like a possibility right now.
Drawing my hands over him, I let them rest at his waist. “I want that, too. I want it so badly, but I’m not… I didn’t bring... I don’t have…” I’m stumbling all over what I’m trying to say because there’s not a thought in my head with the way he’s looking at me. “I didn’t even know if you’d talk to me. I didn’t want to come prepared for something that might not happen. I don’t have any condoms with me and I’m guessing you don’t either. All I’ve got is some weird lube called ‘ bone rub ’ that I picked up at a convenience store in case we didn’t make up or get back together or whatever we’re calling this, and I ended up going to cry and jack off in the shower.” I abruptly stop talking when Nikko turns around and situates himself on my lap to kiss me.
“You know I have not been with anyone before,” he says and I nod in response, even as my heart is in my throat. “If you are willing to go without, so am I.”
“I’m clean,” I whisper, like speaking louder is somehow inappropriate for this conversation. “It’s been a couple of years since I hooked up with anyone, but I get tested every year. The last time was right before you and I started talking.”
He kisses me again. “Then we have everything we need.”
My jaw drops as he moves to lie back on the bed once more. This actually is a first for me. I’ve never gone without protection; I never felt serious enough about anyone in the past to take that step. But I will for him.
I stand up to go dig through my luggage for the bottle that could easily be mistaken for barbecue sauce if not for the cartoon dick on the label. I wish I had something better. But maybe this is actually perfect because it’s spontaneous.
We’re here.
We’re together.
We both want this.
Nikko watches me from the center of the mattress, hands clasped together and resting near his hips, trying to look casual. He’s fidgety, though, and I can’t tell if it’s from nerves or excitement. I drop the lube beside him, checking in. “You’re sure?”
“Yes. I am sure. I want you. I want to have you in this way,” he replies, pulling me closer for a kiss that quickly turns filthy.
When I pull away with a nip to his lower lip, I promise him, “I’ll make this good for you.”
“I know you will. That is why I trust you.” He smiles, easy and bright. “How do you want me?”
The question short circuits my brain a little because I have at least a thousand things on my mental to-do list when it comes to him, but for now, I want to keep it simple. Intimate. “Just like this,” I tell him, coating my finger with lube and repositioning myself between his knees. He starts to tense up as I stroke over his hole, increasing the pressure just a little with each pass. “I need you to relax, naekkeo.”
“I am just excited. I think I have thought about it too much,” he giggles, but does loosen up enough to let me slip in a bit. “O-oh!”
“Okay?” I ask, trying not to lose my mind at him confessing to how much he’s thought about this.
“Yes. Please ,” Nikko requests, letting his knees fall wider apart as I move in closer to him, easing my finger deeper. “This is already better than anything I have done.”
That’s a pleasant surprise. I remember my own first time and how all I could think about was how weird and foreign everything felt. I know now that better prep and a good partner goes a long way, and I’m glad I can be that person for Nikko. “Keep talking to me. Tell me if I need to stop.”
“N-no,” he stutters as I cautiously work in and out to open him up. Biting his lip, he sucks in a shaky breath and lets his eyes drift down to watch what I’m doing. “Can I… Can you do another?”
I drop a kiss to the inside of his thigh. He’s doing well, maybe even better than I expected. After I add a little more lube on another finger, I very slowly press against him until I can slide both inside him, watching his face for any kind of discomfort. He gasps at the stretch, but it changes into a strangled-sounding groan as I continue to push in. “How do you feel?” I ask, scissoring my fingers just the slightest bit.
“ More ,” he pleads, hips twitching like he’s trying to make me move faster.
My desire to really take my time seems to be working against both of us. He’s eager, and I’m weak—I can’t say no to him. I’d planned on easing him into everything as much as I could, but I hope we have time in the future for thorough explorations of every part of each other. Maybe for now I should just do what I can to blow his mind. Crooking my fingers to skim along inside him, I look and listen for an indication that I’m in the right place.
“OH!” Nikko’s back arches, the most gorgeous sounding cry of surprise I’ve ever heard escaping his lips, and I have to smirk. “Go-gi! Jebal. Jebal !”
I stroke my fingers delicately over the same spot as he writhes, begging me to please stay right there, and I do, keeping up until I see a tear slip from the corner of his eye. I pull away some, trying to bring him back around before I get him too close to the edge. “Nikko.”
He moans in response, pushing himself toward me. I want to make sure he’s as ready as he can be and lube up a third finger, tucking it under the other two. There’s a moment of tension and a whimper of discomfort, but he recovers quickly, beginning to rock his hips in rhythm with the back and forth motions of my fingers. “I could come like this,” he breathes.
“Do you want to?” If this is good for him, it’s certainly enough for me.
Nikko shakes his head roughly against the pillow. “No. With you inside.”
I hang my head, resting against his knee. Everything he says, as simple as it may be, turns me on and inside out at the same time. I love that he’s not afraid to talk to me, isn’t shy about the sounds he makes, and we’ve still, really, only just gotten started. It makes me wonder how amazing we could be together when we knew everything about each other - all the right places to touch, lick, or bite. I hope we’ll have a chance to get there one day.
But right now, we’re here, in some random hotel room, and he’s spread out in front of me—eyes full of love, dark hair messy, skin glowing against the white sheets, waiting for me. Ready for me.
Curling my fingers just right one more time to watch the way his whole body shudders, I ease them out while reaching for the lube again with my other hand. Nikko whines a little when he’s empty again, but I’m tossing my underwear aside and slicking myself up as quickly as I can.
Nikko throws his arms around my shoulders as I move to hover over him, making space for myself between his legs. He pulls me into a kiss, softer and sweeter than I’d expect for what we’re about to do, but I think it’s what we both need. I can feel him relaxing underneath me until our cocks brush together and he moans.
That’s all it takes for me to abandon any hope of drawing this out any longer. I change my position, lining myself up, pressing gently against his rim. I’ve just opened my mouth to ask if he’s sure, but he speaks first.
“Jase, please do not make me wait more,” he says, sliding his hand down over his abs and between his thighs to circle his hole with his fingers.
Watching him do that makes my hips kick forward and I moan as the tip of my cock disappears inside him. As far as I can tell, the world stops in that instant because all I can feel is how hot and tight he is around me and the grip of his fingertips on my arms as he tries to adjust.
“Do not… stop there,” he commands, a little breathless, but still urging me on as he wraps a leg around the back of my thigh to bring me closer, deeper.
I know my memory is shit—it’s been a while since I’ve been with someone—but the Nikko of it all is especially overwhelming, because fuck, nothing in my life has ever felt as good at sinking into him, skin on skin, nothing between us. Bowing to kiss along his throat and collarbone, I push until I am fully inside him and try to remember everything about this moment.
He wraps himself around me completely, ankles crossed behind me, fingers intertwined at my neck. “Stay still please,” he whispers in my ear. “Let me feel all of you.”
From the time we started talking he has always been catching me off guard, so I shouldn’t be surprised that this is no different. Theoretically I have more experience, but he’s guiding everything that I do because he knows what he wants from me. He can have it all—he’s got my heart, my body, and I’d give him anything else he asked for.
I look up, keeping my gaze on him as I experimentally rock back a little and then forward again. His eyes pop open, his expression startled, but not at all displeased. Pulling out further this time, I slowly thrust a few times at a lazy pace, fighting the urge to go faster, plunge myself into him as I chase this simmering release.
His jaw drops as I start to set a cadence that’s good for him and gives me a chance of lasting longer than a couple of minutes. “Yes. Like that,” he encourages, his words tumbling into a drawn out moan.
As good as I thought this would be, I’m still wrong. His body is perfect—I’d swear he was made just for me to have him like this. Seeing his face contorted in pleasure is some kind of revelation; I would have never believed he could be more beautiful than he always had been, until I saw him like this.
“Jase, Ja-se,” Nikko sighs, his arms dropping beside him to grip the sheets. His neck and back arch with the next snap of my hips and it makes my heart skip a beat, to watch him let go, to be able to be the one to make him feel good.
I reach for his wrists, taking a chance by wrapping my hands around them loosely, pinning him to the mattress. He rewards me with a whimpered, “ Fuck yes, ” as he clenches around me, nearly stopping me from thrusting. We will absolutely be exploring that more later, but I cannot think about it now or this will be over immediately. I lean down to kiss him, almost sloppy as we raggedly breathe each other’s air.
Nikko lets me keep hold of his wrists as he starts to move with me, his thighs flexing against me to meet me as I surge forward. “Feels so good. You feel so good,” he murmurs. “Want you like this always.”
“Always, naekkeo,” I say, though I almost want to tell him to stop—that his words are too much right now, with him all over and around me, my cock deep inside him. I’m close and I know he is too as he tugs one hand out of my grip to slip between us and stroke himself. Releasing his other wrist, I shift a little to raise up, changing the angle and allowing me to grip his hips as I speed up.
He cries out in a mangled mix of Korean and English that I don’t have nearly enough brain power to try to decode. But it was obviously positive because I can feel it as much as I see it—the moment it all becomes too much for him and he starts to unravel, coming with a broken moan and splattering streaks of white all the way up to his nipples. “ Ah! Ja-ah! J-Jase .”
I give a few more thrusts, more reckless than I have been, then I start to pull out, ready to jerk myself and add to the pearly mess on his stomach. Nikko’s legs, slack from his orgasm, tighten around me again when he feels me begin to withdraw.
“No! Inside. Stay inside,” he pleads, his eyes locked on mine. “Come inside. Come for me.”
The sound that leaves my mouth in response to his demand is something I’ve never heard before. It hits me so hard and so fast, I think I might black out for a second as I fill him up, and he moans softly, sounding content that he completely took me apart with a simple request.
I all but collapse on him, trying to catch my breath, as he wraps himself around me again. He begins to slip his fingers through my hair, and while I would normally jump up to grab a towel and clean us up, I couldn’t care less right now. I know I need to pull out before he gets uncomfortable, but if he wants to hold me, I’m staying right here until he tells me otherwise.
“Jase?” Nikko’s hands slide down over my back, the light touch of his fingertips giving me goosebumps.
I tilt my head just enough to see him - a little sweaty, a lot gorgeous. “Yeah? You good?”
He nods, smiling. “Better than I have ever been.”
Fuck, he makes me happy.
“Yeah, me, too.” I kiss where I can reach—at the hinge of his jaw. “I didn’t know what I’d do if you didn’t agree to talk to me. I couldn’t imagine having to try to let you go.”
Nikko’s palm presses against the small of my back, like a reassurance he’s still here, he’s with me. “I would not have let you go. Even if that would have been the last time we spoke, I do not think it would have ever really been over for me. You have too much of my heart.”
I raise up to look at him, because I have to see him and I have to say it again right now. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he tells me, eyes sparkling like he enjoys saying it. “Thank you for taking a chance. For coming back to me.”
“I needed to fight for you. For us. I’ll always come back,” I swear. “Whatever it takes, we’re going to figure it out.”