CHAPTER TWENTY
JASE
S omeone is watching me.
Shifting on the mattress, I turn to see Nikko, smiling sweetly as he gazes at me. His eyes are bright, his bedhead wild. I love it. I love him. “Hey, beautiful.”
He blushes and snuggles closer to me if at all possible. “This is my new favorite morning.”
I press a kiss to his temple, trying to resist the urge to ask him to promise me it will stay his favorite—a tiny part of me is afraid that as hours pass, something will change, and I won’t see it coming again. He looks happy now, though, and I don’t want to drag the mood down. “How do you feel today?”
“Good. I am a little sore, but…” There’s a hint of blush on his cheeks. “I like it,” he adds in a whisper.
I pinch at the bridge of my nose, willing my morning wood not to get involved in this conversation, because we do not have time for all the things I want to do to him right now.
Nikko seems to enjoy my distress, because then he says, “It is like I can still feel you. I will think about you, remember you were there, the whole flight home.”
Groaning, I have to roll away from him, but he follows, wrapping himself around me and holding on like a koala. “Nikko. Please. Let me live.”
“You look younger when you sleep,” he tells me, having mercy and changing the subject as his hand slides across my chest in a way that already feels so familiar somehow.
I turn to quirk an eyebrow at him. “Are you saying I look old when I’m awake?”
“No!” He giggles and pokes at my side. “It makes me think about when you were younger. And how you had a whole life before I met you. I did, too, but we are still here somehow. Together.”
“That’s what you want, right? To be together.” I have to clarify while I have the opportunity. “I just… need to know.”
Nikko sits up, the white sheets pooling around his waist, and I can’t help but stare at his chest, the exposed skin too tempting not to draw my attention. “Jase.” His tone is a mix of scolding and fondness. He waits until I make eye contact again, and I can tell he’s about to be serious. That I need to listen to what he’s about to say. “I will not push you away again. I know we have so much to try to figure out, but if you are willing to do it, I am too. I love you. I want to be with you. As your boyfriend.”
Boyfriend.
I don’t know how it’s possible that of all the people in the world, he’s chosen me, but I have never felt more charmed than I do at this moment. Smiling, I raise up, too, leaning over to kiss him softly. “Good, because I want you to be my boyfriend.”
He makes a pleased, happy little noise as he pulls back. “I am not sure how to be a boyfriend, but I know you will help me learn that, too.”
“There’s nothing I can teach you about that. I’ve seen way too many articles and posts about how boyfriend-coded you are,” I chuckle. “But they’re right. You are. The only difference in our relationship from now on is that I can tell you I love you. And see you naked. Just think how much sexier our video chats will be now.”
“Jase!” Nikko grabs a pillow to whack my arm with it, and I fall over laughing as he continues to smack me with it.
This is definitely my new favorite morning, too.
?? ??
I push the button to recline in my surprise-upgrade-to-first-class seat, fairly certain that sitting up front like this is going to ruin me for economy air travel from now on. Settling back and finally relaxing now that we’re past take-off—my least favorite part of flying—I have time to think.
Watching Nikko leave a few hours ago after being summoned to return to the room he was supposed to have been sharing with Lux had been a relief in so many ways. I hated to see him go, but I felt like we were in such a good place—in love and hopeful about the future.
We’d talked for a few hours, trying to figure out the most basic logistics of how to move forward, as a couple. The time difference would suck, but we knew how to deal with that, having been navigating it since the beginning. Finding ways to see each other in person more often was going to be trickier.
I’m pretty sure I can make a trip to Seoul for a couple of weeks since school is out, so the next problem is how to get Nikko out of the group’s shared housing without raising any suspicions. He said he feels fairly certain the members would cover for him, should management become problematic. But that is an issue for future us.
For now, I have about two-and-a-half hours worth of flying time to try to prioritize my own life and what I want to do. While the conversation Nikko and I had was focused on working things out for the more immediate future, I can’t help but think long term. Agreeing to be with him felt like a very all-or-nothing kind of investment for me. I want a real shot at having a lasting relationship with him, and I know that might not be—probably isn’t—possible with our lives the way they are.
Obviously, there is more on the line for him. He has to be in Seoul. I really don’t have to be anywhere. I like my job and my students and where I live, but I would not be devastated to leave any of it behind. I loved living in Korea and could easily see myself moving back. I’ve been thinking about it, wanting to, basically since I left.
Nikko is taking on a significant risk just by trying to have a boyfriend. To me, it only seems fair that I would take some big chances as well, for the sake of what we could have. Maybe it’s naive and I’m just feeling foolishly optimistic right now, but I feel as though maybe we could have it all.
Looking out the window at the fluffy clouds, my mind immediately goes back to last night and Nikko’s fingers gripping the hotel bed sheets. And what he’d said earlier about his own flight home. I can’t help but wonder if he’s thinking of me right now, shifting in his seat and feeling a twinge of leftover tenderness. I’m going to have to turn on the tiny overhead fan, so I need to do something else to keep myself occupied.
I reach into my carry-on bag and pull out the note paper that I snatched from the hotel room to start making notes. The woman sitting beside me suddenly seems very interested in what I’m doing, so I write in Hangul, despite the fact my penmanship is atrocious using Korean characters. As soon as she realizes that she can’t actually read what I’m jotting down, she goes back to flipping through her fashion magazine, angled away from me.
I’m surprised when I hear the announcement that we’ll be landing in about 20 minutes, having spent the last couple of hours brainstorming. While all of my ideas are certainly not genius, I definitely have a few that I feel pretty good about. At least several that I can start investigating.
By the time I’m picking up my luggage, there’s a strange kind of calm that seems to have settled over me. Like I know what I need to do now, because I know where my path is leading.
Where my heart lies.
Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean right now.
Held in Nikko’s gentle hands.
??
“Was that post-sex selfie really necessary?” Kija asks. “I’m glad you worked everything out, but that definitely violates my no-details policy.”
“It wasn’t post-sex,” I argue, having sent the picture for the specific purpose of getting him all riled up about it. “We were just lying in bed talking and happened to be shirtless. The sex happened like, hours before.”
Kija groans loudly. “Too much information!”
“You were the one who wanted to know if our reunion had gone well. I was just offering evidence of success,” I remark, absolutely sounding every bit as proud of myself as I feel. Turns out, it’s fun to be the one with the good stories for once.
“Knowing that you have defiled one of the idol industry’s darlings is something I have to live with now. I did not need proof,” he grumbles. “Still, I’m happy for you. So what now?”
I glance at the list I made while I was on the plane, only able to decipher about half of what I’d written. But I remember most of it, particularly the options that seem more feasible and the ones I’m most excited about. “I have some ideas. Nikko and I discussed a lot of things, but for now we are just going to try to make sure we find some way to speak to each other every day. I know he wants to talk to Chita and the other members about it, and he figured there’d have to be some kind of meeting with management. So heads up for you, I guess, if you’d be involved in that.”
“Not really my area, but if I knew it was on an agenda, I’d go just because it’s you,” Kija tells me.
“I appreciate you looking out for me. For us,” I say, trying not to get all giddy about being able to say “for us” in this context. Because there is an us.
Me and Nikko.
A legit couple.
Boyfriends.
Kija chuckles, “I can hear you smiling. And honestly, I thought you’d be telling me you were just getting ready to move back to Seoul. You’ve been talking about it since you left. This seems like a good reason to do it.”
“That is definitely something I’m considering,” I admit. “It seems like the easiest solution, which is crazy, when I’m talking about picking up and relocating across the globe. But his whole life is there. And I want my life to be with him, so…”
“Oh my god. I am not ready for this version of you.”
It sounds like he’s getting up, probably to go to the fridge for a beer or something as he complains to himself. I laugh.
“I’m so glad you’re enjoying this.” There’s the distinct sound of a can top popping, then he continues. “I thought I knew what to expect because I’ve seen you when you’re into someone, but I should have guessed it would be totally different because you are stupid in love with him, and that I have not seen before.”
“Yeah, I really am,” I sigh, all dopey and smitten.
“Ugh. Please. Enough.” Despite the complaining, he’s happy for me, I can hear it in his voice. “Are you going to tell me about any of these ideas you had, or should I just wait and see if you show up on my doorstep at some point?”
“That’s actually number five on my list—surprise Kija with that visit he’s always asking for and crash on his couch until he makes me leave,” I tell him, even though that is not exactly on said list.
Kija grumbles. “I was going to offer to help you if I could, but I take it back.”
“Too bad. It’s out there already; it’s too late,” I tease. Kija does feature prominently among the possibilities, though, so I need to see if he’s on board with any of the schemes I’ve concocted.
We toss scenarios back and forth for a while, which is mostly him suggesting better alternatives to what I had come up with, until I get a text from Nikko asking if I’m available. I reply right away that I will be in just a moment.
“Okay, I recognize when it’s my time to go,” Kija says, loudly.
“Huh?” I look around like he can see me, despite having the call screen open in front of me and knowing he can’t. “What?”
“I heard your text tone, and then it got very quiet for an awkward amount of time, so I’m sure that it was him, and now I’ve lost you.” He knows he’s right, and I don’t need to tell him. “Let me look into some things for you, and we’ll talk again soon, yeah?”
“Thanks, you’re the best.” I hang up with him and run to the bathroom to check my reflection in the mirror. Even though Nikko has seen me in various states of disarray, I feel like I should at least attempt to look decent when we chat now.
Starting the call, I’m smiling already, just waiting for him to pick up. We had a brief chat yesterday when we’d both finally gotten home, but it was short, interrupted by Chita calling Nikko into a house meeting.
“-ase,” he’s saying as he pops up on the screen. As soon as he sees me, he blows a kiss. “Not as good as the real thing.”
“No, but I’ll still take it.” I blow one back and he grins, catching it and tucking into his pocket.
“For later, when I am alone,” he tells me.
Damn, he’s cute. “And what will you be doing later, when you’re alone?”
“Thinking about you.” His expression changes into something kind of wistful, almost sad. “As usual. I am never not thinking of you. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. But it won’t always be like this,” I promise. Seeing his puppy dog eyes peering at me through the screen makes everything I was talking about with Kija seem so much more urgent.
“I know. But that does not make it easier now.” He shifts, lying down, and I can see that he’s on his bed, tucked up in the corner of his room. “I could not sleep last night because I was lonely without you.”
I can’t mirror his position where I am, but getting up to go all the way to my bedroom seems like too much right now, when I just want to listen to him. Sinking down in the chair, I agree. “It’s not the same.”
Nikko looks away from the camera for a moment, and I see pink on his cheek, the tip of his ear. “I do not know if it is silly or childish to say this. But as much as I enjoyed having sex with you and want to do it again, I just want to sleep with you. Be by your side, where I can touch you.”
My whole chest aches with his words and the way I feel it, too. “I want to hold you so badly. Clothes off or on. I want to share space with you.”
“Can it be soon?” he asks, lip bitten in a way that’s somehow both seductive and sweetly hopeful.
“As soon as possible, naekkeo,” I swear. “I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”