십
NIKKO
“ W e are gathered here today…” Ryo-hyung begins, all of us staring for exactly one second before diving into the food spread out on the table and ignoring him.
“I thought we agreed not to let him watch any more episodes of that wedding drama,” Lux mumbles just before he shoves a dumpling in his mouth whole.
Tang-hyung nearly sends his chopstick flying as he goes to point at Ryo while asking Lux, “Have you ever tried to get him to stop in the middle of a series? Do you value your well-being?”
Hands on his hips, Ryo scolds, “The disrespect from all of you!”
“We’ve talked about this. We should have learned from this by now,” Chita-hyung reminds everyone with a tired-dad kind of sigh. “We do not gesture with utensils when in close proximity.”
“Just eat. Nikko wants to talk to us about something when we’re done,” Lalo-hyung tells everyone and I nearly choke on my kalguksu.
He reaches to pat me on the back, and I know he’s doing this to encourage me, because it will be good for me or something, but now I also don’t have the option to put it off again. Which is exactly why he has done it, I’m sure.
“Why don’t you talk about it now instead of making us wait, ’Ko?” Lux asks to distract from the fact he is trying to swipe another triangle kimbap without anyone noticing.
I can’t tell if this is his way of being supportive, or if he is trying to stir something up. I honestly do not feel like eating right now, so I may as well talk. I don’t know why I am so nervous; the members have made it clear that they like Jase and are in favor of me being with him. But telling them that we actually are together seems very serious. I’ve never been the one to make big announcements or share major news, but I haven’t ever really had anything of my own to let them in on..
“You know Jase…” I start, but am immediately interrupted.
“Jase? Why does that name sound familiar?” Tang ponders, head tilted as he taps his chin like he’s thinking.
Ryo shoves the serving spoon he’d just grabbed back into the pot of rice to flail his arms into a shrug. “Has someone talked about him before?”
“Wait. Jase Jase?” Chita teases. “Jase with the blue eyes and the cute dog? That Jase?”
If it were not for the plate of food in front of me, I would let my head drop to the table. “I hate you all,” I mutter. “Yes, that Jase. The same guy that I’ve been talking to for months. The one that I’ve had a crush on for just as long. Jase, my boyfriend.”
Simultaneously, Tang shrieks, Ryo’s jaw drops, and Chita’s eyes go very wide. Lux and Lalo already knew, of course, and both of them are just smiling, amused by the other’s reactions.
Ryo leans over, wraps his arms around my head and squishes my face into his chest. “My baby has a boyfriend ? Who said you were old enough to date?”
Lux snorts. “They’ve shared a hotel room like three times now. Is he old enough for that?”
Ryo releases me from his grip, shocked, as Tang makes another sound of surprise.
Chita is blinking at me very rapidly. “You what?”
I glare at Lux, who at least has the decency to mouth an apology. What happened in those rooms is definitely not up for discussion. “You know that I had regrets about sending Jase away. When he came to see me at our last stop, we decided…”
“He was there? Where? When?” Chita still seems incredulous that so much has occurred without him noticing, as he usually does not miss a single move any of us make.
Now determined to get this out, I keep talking. “We decided we want to try to have a real relationship. So we are going to figure out how to make it work. I love him. I know he feels the same. I hope you all will be happy for me.” I stop, suddenly overwhelmed by how much I want them to think this is not crazy. “I need you to be happy for me.”
“Of course we’re happy for you, Nikko-yah,” Lalo says, looking around the table for others to agree with him.
“You know we are,” Ryo tells me, ruffling my hair. “We make jokes because we are your brothers, but we also want to protect you. We can see you are in good hands with him.”
Chita nods. “I’m sorry I haven’t been more attentive. Or maybe you didn’t want the attention. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide. We like him, and we want you to have what makes you happy. And we know he does.”
I wipe at my eyes, trying to keep the tears that I can feel building from escaping. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“Not to be that guy, but how are you going to do this? He’s in America, and you aren’t,” Tang points out, being exactly that guy.
“I know. We have a lot of things to figure out, but we will get there, I think. I know I want to be with him and that is worth everything to me,” I tell them.
“Everything?” Chita asks, his normally cheerful face very serious. “I have no problem doing what I can to help you, but we can’t control everything. The distance will be hard, but it might be more difficult when you are together. Especially if he comes to see you in Seoul. You know there are always people watching, waiting. You can’t just go out together or have him over. Everything you try to do with him will have to be carefully arranged.”
“I know.” And I do. I have been thinking about it since I first said the word “ boyfriend. ” My nearly non-existent personal life has always come second to my professional life, when they were not completely intertwined. So much of what we do is filmed and shared with the world that our fans see the majority of our lives, often in real time. This need to keep things separate, hidden, is very new to me. “We know idols have relationships. If they can figure it out as two celebrities, should it not be easier when one of us is not famous?”
Tang frowns. “Look what has happened when they’ve been exposed, though. Do you really want to have to write a letter of apology to VOX because you fell in love?”
“And that’s what happens when it’s a straight couple,” Ryo comments. “But two men? Lee Jaehyun and his American rockstar managed to get through it, but I can’t imagine it was easy for either of them.”
I remember that night vividly, hearing that another idol had been outed. The fear that I had felt, not only for Jaehyun at that moment, but also for myself and the others like us. A reminder that everything can change, could fall apart, in an instant. While Jaehyun and Raphael survived the storm and are still together, I do not know that I believe everyone else would be so lucky.
“Can we give him a chance?” Lalo interjects. “He came to us to share a big event in his life and asked us to be happy. Going to a worst case scenario is not helpful.”
As always, my gratitude for him is immense. “Thank you.”
The others say, “ Sorry, ” but I don’t want that. “I’m not looking for apologies. I just wanted you to know what was going on, because you’ve been with me the whole way. From the first time you teased me about him until now. Jase is the most important person to me outside of the ones in this room. All I want is to be able to have all of you in my life.”
Everyone nods, murmuring some kind of agreement that I can and will be able to have that
“Is Jase going to move to Seoul?” Lux asks, grabbing and squeezing my arm. “That would make sense, right? You’re here, and his best friend is here already.”
“I do not know. He might consider that,” I say, gently prying his fingers off me. “I would love to have him close, but if I need to be the one that finds my way to him sometimes, I will do that.”
Lalo gives me a little smile and a gaze that just feels fond, like he is proud of me. “You’ve put a lot of yourself into this already, Nikko. So has Jase. I think you both have to try whatever you can to see what you can make of this.”
I want to make a life with him. I am not sure how that would look or if it could be possible yet, but I know that’s what I want.
“Tell him to come to Seoul,” Ryo demands. “Tell him I will cook for him.”
“Can I take him shopping? Please? I just want to give him a little makeover,” Lux mentions casually and I’m offended on Jase’s behalf.
As the others begin suggesting all the things they want to do if Jase were to come to Seoul, I feel lighter, brighter than I have since I returned home. I’ve missed him so badly, but it is so easy to imagine Jase here, in the middle of all of this.
Everyone I care about most around the same table.