Chapter 21 Deacon
DEACON
In terms of horny things I’ve done sober, seducing and blowing my roommate after having resisted any sexual thought about him prior to a few nights ago easily tops the list. I’ve been wired ever since I came on his ass, but he fell asleep fast.
I ended up lying there for a while, but I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and went back to my room.
While I’m working out this morning, I’m still thinking about his ass. There are so many things I didn’t get a chance to do with it.
I want to spank it. Bite it. Squeeze it. Eat it… Fuck, I want to eat it. I rub the back of my neck and tap out the Bach tune on my thigh after I rack my free weights. That’s when Evan comes in with Apollo, looking flushed from the cold and—I don’t know what to call it. Off. Flustered?
“Hey,” I say. “Sorry. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I didn’t want to keep you up.”
He squints at me, and then I guess it clicks because he waves his hand dismissively. “No, it’s fine. I just talked to Isaac. It was weird.”
“Oh.” I’m surprised how interested I am in what they talked about. Anxious, too, I think.
“Yeah, in a rare twist, he doesn’t want to pick a lane. Go figure.”
“Is he usually more decisive?” I ask.
Evan’s expression is flat. Unreadable. At least for me. “He’s very decisive. Which means he genuinely thinks he can date two roommates at the same time, and that we’ll all be fine with it.”
“Did you say you wanted to date him?”
“Like I said, it got weird.”
“You can tell me what happened,” I say. “He’s been really open about how he feels about you.”
This causes Evan to scowl. “And that doesn’t bother you?”
“It hasn’t changed anything. Not yet.”
“Did last night change anything?” he asks.
“I haven’t told him about last night.”
“I mean, did it change anything for you?
“I guess in a way. I see where he’s coming from. Wanting to see two guys at the same time.”
“You get what a fucked up situation that puts everyone in, though, right?” Evan asks.
“Like what happens when someone picks the one they want to be with for real and the other person—what? Gets kicked to the curb? Or worse—what if you pick your person, but he picks the other person who picks you, then what?”
I laugh.
“Why’s that funny?”
“Because that second thing isn’t gonna happen.”
“How do you know? There’s a play I had to read in high school where three people are trapped in a room together in hell and that’s exactly the situation they’re in—that’s what makes it hell.”
I’m still grinning. “You’re cute when you overthink shit.”
“Don’t call me cute right now. This is a mess.”
“Messy can be fun.”
“It can also be toxic,” he says, and he looks like he’s about to go to his room.
“What did you end up saying you were gonna do?”
“I told him I’d think about it.”
“What do you wanna do about me?” I ask before he can get to the hallway.
He stops and watches as I walk up to him.
“I have no idea,” he says quietly. “God, you’re so hot.”
I smile and pull at the strings on his hoodie. “I don’t really date, but I do other things that help me get to know someone better.”
His eyes widen slightly. “Do you and Isaac eat testosterone for breakfast or what?”
“You shouldn’t have let me come on your ass. Now it’s all I can think about.”
He wobbles, then he locks his knees. “I have to get ready for work.”
“So do I. I’ll let you go when you answer my question.”
“What was the question?”
“What do you wanna do about me?”
“Not nothing,” he says. “Deacon, I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed.”
I let his ties go and take a small step away from him. “Then let’s catch up later.”
He nods. “Okay. Thanks.”
Evan goes to take a shower, and I resist the urge to follow him in, still pretty sure that giving him space is the better bet.
Once I’m in my own bathroom, my thoughts drift back to Isaac.
I misread situations and people far more often than I get them right, but I think I know what he wants.
He genuinely seems into me. Into moving forward and continuing to hook up.
He followed through with the conversation with Evan like he said he would, but I can’t tell whether Evan gave him any answers.
Still, he didn’t say no, either.
I understand that Evan’s current indecision doesn’t mean he’d be down for a threesome, but that does not stop me from jerking off to the visual that’s a little too easy to imagine—the idea of having both men in my bed.
As I’m coming down from the high of blasting a load of cum on the tile, there’s a twinge in my chest and a memory of how I was living before Isaac. Loud noise and neon and the suggestion of being young and wild and alive, but I was so fucking numb.
I can hate all I want on the fact that I have to take meds every day, but the way I’ve felt with Evan and Isaac is that vivid sensory feast that hits exactly right. And like anything I enjoy, I want to binge it and make it my everything.
But I think Evan might be a romantic. He’s been in love before and he’s been burned, but he’s gotta believe in it, still.
I don’t know much about love or whether someone like me can even execute the functions of it.
I can get obsessed. I can fixate and want something very much, but forming a mutual emotional bond like that?
Not only do I not know what I’d need from another man to be able to do that, but I don’t know what would be required of me either.
I get the caring part. I absolutely get the wanting part.
I just think there’s something more to it.
If Isaac is in love with Evan, I guess he knows what it takes to feel it, but I had the same conversation with myself that Evan tried to have with me while I was sucking his cock.
That messing around with him was a bad idea.
That he has feelings for me, and it wouldn’t be cool to toy with him, but I was too caught up in how good he felt. High off the experience.
On the train to work, I attempt to gain some clarity and some control over the situation. Evan was vague about his conversation with Isaac, and he was wishy-washy with me. I’m hoping Isaac can help me understand where we are.
Me
What happened this morning?
It takes a minute for him to read the message, but when he does, his response is quick.
Isaac
We had the talk. He wants to quit.
I frown at my phone. Evan didn’t mention anything about quitting.
Me
He knows how you feel now?
Isaac
Yeah.
Me
Did he say nothing would come of it?
Isaac
The only thing I took away from it was that he definitely likes you. And he thinks I’m “attractive.”
Me
Well, I like you both.
Isaac
I like you both, too.
Me
What if I said I want to date you both?
Isaac
Is that hypothetical?
Me
Not really.
Isaac
Then make him happy. Make him the happiest man in the world.
I immediately see the problem here, and also the way I have no clue how to solve it.
Me
Did you just dump me?
Isaac
This is too complicated. I’m worried about Evan, and I don’t want to give him any more reasons to quit.
Me
Maybe we should all sit down and talk to each other.
Isaac
Do you know how fucking crazy that sounds?
Me
Communication is crazy?
Isaac
Evan won’t want to talk to both of us.
Me
In case he does. Is that a yes?
Isaac
Would this be a strategy meeting or just clearing the air?
Me
It’s just communicating.
Isaac
He’ll say no.
Me
It doesn’t hurt to ask.
Isaac
Some answers do.
The fact that this conversation is giving me a boner probably says something about me, but I can’t imagine what. Maybe I have a thing for men in distress. This guy in particular does it for me with his messy emotions and greedy kisses. Greedy everything.
Me
Since I’m the one getting dumped, I feel like you should at least have to do it to my face. And if Evan is the reason, he should get to say what he wants.
Isaac
He doesn’t know what he wants.
Me
You said he wanted me. Did you leave something out?
Isaac
Fine, it’s probably worth trying to have a conversation.
Me
That was surprisingly difficult. You’re easier to talk to when my dick is inside you.
Isaac
Now I have to burn my phone.
I laugh.
Me
At least send a dick pic first.
He leaves me on read for twenty minutes and then, as I’m stepping off the train, my phone pings, and I open the text to see Isaac’s erection, in all its glory, with cum on the shaft and his gripping fist on a backdrop of black porcelain tile.
I hum with satisfaction before pocketing my phone and walking the rest of the way to work.