Chapter 20 Isaac #2
“What part of that was irrational? It’s just like me, isn’t it? As long as I get what I want, I’m good.”
He snorts.
“You should try it,” I tell him.
“So would I get weekdays and he gets weekends? Every other day?”
“Back up,” I say. “Are you saying you’ll date me?”
“No.” He takes his hands off me, a step away, and shakes his head. “No, no, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t know what I’m saying. Where the fuck did that kiss come from?”
My heart, I want to say but don’t. “If you want me to back off, you just have to say the word.”
He looks at me, and I want to believe it’s pain I see on his face, but he could just be pissed. “You need me to decide this right now?” he asks.
“No. But I only have two things to offer you—more or less.”
He forces his hands through his hair and groans. “How the fuck are we supposed to work together now?”
“Same way we always have,” I say with more confidence than I feel. “If you don’t want to mess around anymore—fine. I won’t pressure you, not that I ever think I particularly have—”
“HR might see that differently.”
“Power dynamics aside—”
“You can’t push that aside. It’s too late.
What if I piss you off one day, and I can’t make it up to you by sucking you off?
And what if you decide not to spend time going through a client file with me, and I take that shit personally?
I think you need to assign me to someone else. Or put me on a team.”
The thought of that is like a knife to the chest. “I don’t think I can do that, Evan.”
“Of course you can. I’m telling you what I think I need, but if you won’t give it to me—”
“Okay—okay. Can you give me two weeks? I can’t just conjure a new assistant out of thin air.”
He takes a breath. “I wouldn’t want you to. Two weeks is fine.”
“So that’s it?” I ask.
“This is a lot, Isaac. You get that, right?”
“Yes,” I say, wishing it weren’t so fucking cold because I just want to sit down and put my head in my hands.
“This is really fucking with me,” he says.
“I know. I should have told you sooner I have feelings.”
“I wouldn’t have believed you,” he says.
“Honestly? I think I’m trying to figure out what your angle is.”
Fair enough. Nervous, I ask, “Any chance you have any feelings for me in there somewhere?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Really?” I ask, hope striking like a match in my chest.
“I’m not completely indifferent to you, you know?”
“Good. That’s a start.”
“But I like Deacon, too.”
“Same. Like I said—go for it. Whatever makes you happy.”
“For how long? Like what’s the trial period on seeing two men? What’s the deciding factor?”
“I’m fucking freezing,” I say in a moment of pure frustration.
“Maybe don’t wear shorts in February.”
I send him a pleading look. “Can we go to my car?”
He gestures at his enormous dog.
“He’ll fit,” I say.
“Fine,” Evan says quietly before whistling to get Apollo’s attention. We walk down the hill toward where I’m parked. “I hope you’re thinking about your answer to my question.”
Apollo gets into the back of my Lexus, and I open the door for Evan. Jogging to the driver’s side, I get in, turn on the car, and crank up the heat on my side after showing him where the temperature controls are.
To answer his question, I state for the record, “I know you like a schedule and order, but for once, can you consider just going with the flow?”
He gives me a flat stare. “Just because you’re okay with the person you’re seeing hooking up with someone else, doesn’t mean they’re gonna make those same allowances for you.”
“Are you some sort of monogamy absolutist? Like right out of the gate?”
“No.” He sounds slightly offended. “But I guess I’m wondering what the endgame is.”
“I’d like to think I’m perfectly capable of being involved with two men indefinitely.”
“You know, if anyone could do it… We’re not all built like you, though, Isaac.”
“Well, I’m not trying to force myself on you. I’m just saying that whatever’s happening with Deacon hasn’t changed the way I feel about you.”
He studies me a moment. “I understand what you mean.”
“You do?”
He nods.
“Did something happen?” I ask. “Between you and Deacon?”
“I…actually, yeah.”
I simultaneously want to know every detail and open the car door to vomit on the sidewalk, but I need to stick with my convictions here, not show all my weaknesses. “So…see? It’s possible to want two things at once.”
“Wanting and having are two very different things.”
“I mean, if everybody’s on board…”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” he says.
“Sorry.”
“You know, I had a conversation with Calyx once. Not too long ago. He asked if you and I had something going on.”
My eyes widen at the mention of one of my exes. “You know Calyx?”
“It’s a small world. He’s with one of my best friends now. An MMA fighter. They’re very cute and happy together.”
“That’s…good.” Imagining Calyx happy, however is a lot like trying to imagine an ostrich riding a bicycle. It’s possible I was the problem in our relationship, but I’d prefer to think of it as our needs being incompatible.
“Anyway, he said he wasn’t surprised we were hooking up and you were seeing other people. He said it was hard for him to imagine one man being enough for you.”
“Consider for a moment I might have been more attracted to him than he was to me.”
“Is that so?”
“It happens.” I say that with a gesture between the two of us.
“I’m obviously attracted to you, Isaac.”
“Well, I would consider at least some of our needs compatible. Apparently not all of them, though, according to you.”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to admit to not being an expert on all your needs.”
“Neither am I, if that helps.”
He lets out a soft chuckle but suppresses it quickly.
I lean my head back on my seat and turn his way. “Evan?”
He looks at me, and he’s so beautiful, his blue eyes striking even in the dim light.
He has the smoothest skin. Calyx was a model and probably one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen, objectively speaking, but Evan’s body, his sense of humor, his usually easy smile makes him feel so fucking right for me.
Safe? No. I don’t feel safe with him at all.
And I think that’s what draws me to Deacon.
But I don’t need to feel safe. Not the way I need Evan to give me a chance to love him the way he deserves. He deserves so much, and I want to be the one to give it to him. “Don’t leave me,” I say quietly.
“Don’t guilt me.”
I breathe through a crushing ache in my chest. On second thought, maybe safe doesn’t sound so bad. “Are you coming to work today?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there, but I need to get showered and ready.”
“Can I drive you home?”
“Sure,” he says.
I put the car into gear. He gives me directions even after I put his address into my GPS.
A few minutes later, I pull to a stop at the curb outside his building. “Are you expecting me to list your job today, or do you want to take some time to think about it?”
He sighs. “I’ll let you know when to list it.”
“Okay.”
We’re quiet for another minute while he doesn’t get out of the car. “Am I being selfish?” he asks.
“About what?”
“Am I putting myself in the middle of something I have no business being involved with?”
“In fairness, I’m the one being clingy here, and you were already in the middle.”
“I’m not a huge fan of being in the middle of anything, but that was some kiss. And I heard what you said,” he adds softly.
I try to smile. “I’m available whenever.”
“I’ll see you at nine.”
“See you then.”
He gets out, opens the door for Apollo, and a few seconds later, they’re inside the building, out of my sight. I leave just as confused about where I stand with him as I was when I got out of bed this morning.