Chapter 38
EVAN
Sam and Calyx were about to go to bed when I called. They only got back from New York a few days ago, so that was lucky at least, but being sent directly to bed when I really needed to talk sucked.
This morning, I have Sam’s full attention while we walk our dogs and Calyx sleeps in.
“That’s pretty fucking harsh, Ev,” he says once I give him my version of events from last night.
“Which part?”
“What Deacon said. About you trying to take Isaac away.”
“He was being honest about how he felt.”
“His feelings are harsh, then.”
“He’s entitled to have harsh feelings. It’s a tricky situation.”
“What I’m hearing you say is that the sex is good, but there isn’t much relationship happening.”
Is that what I’m saying? “It hasn’t even been a week…”
“But you’ve known them both for months. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like it should be so hard. Like it’s been a few days, and you’re already fighting.”
I don’t like that point because he’s right. Hunter and I were official months before we had a fight that was as rough as what happened last night.
“Sorry we couldn’t come to the party,” Sam says. “I feel like if I’d been there, I could give you better advice.”
“What is your advice?”
“What’s your gut telling you to do?”
That’s the thing. There’s what my gut is telling me is right and what my heart wants. “Same thing as it’s been saying the whole time. Back out. Let them have each other.”
“But?” Sam asks.
“But it’s definitely gonna hurt Isaac. And me. Maybe even Deacon.”
“So they’d get each other, and you’d get what?”
I swallow as I give Apollo’s leash a tug when he gets distracted by a bush. “I have a legit job offer. COO of a shipping company.”
Sam comes to a stop, and his dog Beauty sits politely beside him. “Are you shitting me?”
“No, it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a couple of weeks, but then all this stuff with Deacon and Isaac happened.”
“Which you didn’t want to get involved with from the beginning,” he reminds me.
“I guess I’ve been trying to find some middle ground, you know? Where I loosen my ties to Isaac professionally and see where things go personally. I’d feel things out with Deacon in the meantime and see if there was anything there, but…”
Sam waits patiently for me to finish my thought.
“They’re like full steam ahead. The two of them together. Isaac is all—‘you’re mine’ and Deacon is freaking out that I’m gonna somehow try to take that from him.”
“And Isaac of course wants you both.”
“I mean, I can’t blame him. I want them, too.”
“So…Deacon’s the issue?”
“Not for Isaac.”
“I’m not talking about Isaac.”
“You’re saying you think I should take the job?”
His head whips back and forth. “No, no. I didn’t say that. I asked what your gut’s telling you. But I think I just got my answer.”
I take a shaky breath. “I just don’t think I’m ready, you know?”
Sam nods. “That’s kinda what I’m getting.”
“Like to be in a relationship like this, you’d have to be the most secure person in the world. You’d basically have to be Isaac.”
“I don’t disagree. It’d take a personality transplant for me to let anyone else into bed with me and Calyx.”
“I’m glad you two found each other,” I say. “Regardless of the circumstances.”
Sam gives me a wry grin. “Yeah, well. I’m just lucky we made it through all that. Kinda makes me think we could last forever.”
And here I am, thinking about bailing after one fight.
My gut seems to be screaming, though. Protect yourself. You’re not ready. They don’t need your shit. You’re in the way. The words, coming from a place of pure fear, drown out everything my heart wants to tell me.
“Why is this so hard?” I ask.
“You love them a lot, huh?”
Because the question wasn’t whether I was in love with either of them, it’s easy to say yes. From the bottom of my heart, I want them to be happy. Do I wish I could be part of it? I don’t think that matters. It would require a level of trust I’m not capable of.
“I do love them. Enough to get out of the way.”
“Do you think they’ll be okay?” Sam asks.
The question pinches, but I nod because it’s actually the truth that hurts. Isaac might take it harder than Deacon, but in the end, if they stick together, which I hope they do, they’ll be fine.
And I will, too, eventually.
Once Sam leaves to train and Calyx heads out to teach a yoga class, I text Hunter that I want to talk about the job.
He calls me right away, and I am so fucking nervous.
“Oh my God, you’re coming aren’t you?” he asks, his enthusiasm coming through loud and clear.
“I just want to be sure it’s for me,” I tell him.
“We’d be figuring out the company together. It’d be like a partnership,” he’s saying. “If you’re really considering this, I can have the company pay for your move, and I’d even find you a place so you wouldn’t have to worry about it the first few months or whatever.”
My brain screams at me to pump the brakes, but every time I’m about to cut him off and tell him not to get too excited, I think of Deacon’s words—You’re the one who put yourself in the middle.
And that’s the last fucking place I want to be anymore.
I spent my entire life being a point of contention.
Fought over—torn between two pieces of my heart—my parents.
It taught me to shut up. Be quiet and let them work it out.
Because no matter how hard I tried to fight it or tell them how much it was hurting me, it didn’t change the fact that I was the one making them miserable.
If they didn’t have me, they could have just parted ways peacefully and been happy.
I get that the situation with Isaac and Deacon is different.
They’re not fighting over me. But they are managing me.
Constantly shifting to figure out how to deal with me being the thing that kept them from proceeding with a normal relationship.
I also know none of this was my fault. I wasn’t the one who set them up on a date.
I never asked them to fall for each other.
All I did was connect myself in different ways to both of them in a way I thought was safe and wouldn’t hurt me before they met.
But then I took it a step further, and I do blame myself for that.
I should have wished them well and lied to Isaac.
I should have told him I didn’t have any feelings for him beyond casual sex.
I should have never told Deacon I had feelings for him.
I should have stayed the fuck out of it because I know better.
It’s not like my parents taught me about healthy sharing. They taught me jealousy and possessiveness. They taught me love is a fucking battlefield, and you fight for it or die in disgrace.
I’m no hero. I wasn’t worth the things my parents did to each other, and I’m not secure enough to stand my ground in a place I’m not sure I belong.
There were moments where I thought maybe I was properly worth what both of them were offering.
Necessary to them even. But the more I’ve thought about it—those times were all during sex.
Put us all in clothes and throw us into a new environment, and I fucked it up. The party. Last night. The week leading up to us all hopping into bed together. I was always the problem.
I love them. I can’t argue that, not even with myself.
But my love isn’t enough for either of them.
Last night was a series of body blows. Deacon fighting with me.
The sounds of them hooking up when I was getting Apollo ready to leave.
Isaac telling me he didn’t want to choose. Deacon telling me I was in the way.
So, I can either go back there and try to resist the pull I feel toward them, or I can make a clean break.
“I need to be honest with you,” I tell Hunter.
“Okay.”
“I’m in kind of a toxic situation here at home, and that’s probably the only reason I’m even considering this.”
“Why are you telling me that? Also, are you okay?”
“Ask me in a couple weeks,” I say. “I’m telling you because I might be accepting this job for the wrong reasons. I might be running away.”
“If it’s toxic, though—I’d say you’re doing yourself a huge favor. I’d call it brave.”
I bark a laugh at that. “It’s anything but brave.”
“Evan, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but if you want me to hear you out, I’m not busy. As much as I think we can do great things together and I want you here, I do want you here for the right reasons.”
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“You want to tell me about it?”
I do end up telling him about it. The broad strokes.
The condensed version takes about five minutes to get through.
I don’t go into much detail, but I don’t underplay what I’m going through, either.
I tell him I’m falling in love with two men who are also in love with each other, and we tried to make it work as a throuple.
I tell him about the fight last night and the fact that Isaac is more or less presenting himself as a package deal.
That my choice has come down to everything or nothing.
“You know, I actually have two different thoughts about this,” Hunter says.
“Yeah, okay.”
“I think if you all didn’t work together, and if you and Deacon didn’t live together, it might actually be something you could make work.
It’d force you to take your time and be more deliberate.
But—and I’m not just saying this because I want you to come work with me—the way you guys are so enmeshed in each other’s lives already—that’s what makes the position you’re in now feel impossible. ”
It’s a myriad of what ifs. What if Deacon and I weren’t roommates.
What if I worked from home like Millie and met both of them out.
Would we have hit it off? Would they have liked me?
Would we have been able to take things slower?
Would we have been forced into trying to deal with everyone’s triangulated feelings or would one of us have naturally been weeded out?
Is it even useful to think of it like that?
“You’re right,” I tell him. “I want the job.”
“Are you serious?” Hunter asks, like he can’t believe he was able to talk me into it.
“I need the fresh start. Away from all of this.”
“With me, though? I mean—not with me—”
“I know what you mean, and yeah. Why not you? It’s not like we’re strangers.”
“I mean, you know I respect you, right?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, Hunter. I do know that. I don’t think you’re out on the street offering this job to anyone who can work an iPhone.”
“You’re not still using an iPhone, are you?”
“Pfft. Of course not.”
“Okay, good,” he says with an almost comical level of relief. “Then how do we get you down here?”
I sigh. “I think I’m gonna need to call my dad.”
“Oh, fuck no,” he says. “You sit tight. I’m coming to get you. If you change your mind, just call me. I won’t give you a hard time about it or anything. But Evan?”
“Yeah?”
“I think this is exactly what both of us need.”
I think he’s right.
“Let’s do it,” I say. “And you don’t need to hire Polytech, yet. I think I can help with all that.”
“Seriously?”
I’m not trying to be an asshole or steal from Isaac.
I’m just being honest. If Four Points Freight needs an overhaul, and they’re bleeding money, I’ll need to earn my keep, and if Isaac thought I could manage the account on my own, then I need to believe that about myself, too.
If I can’t do it, Polytech isn’t going anywhere.
“When do you think you’ll be here?” I ask.
“I can rent a U-Haul right now and be on my way.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“I am working. It’s called onboarding. Surely you’ve heard of it.”
That pulls a small laugh from me. “Okay. I’ll send you the address of where I’m staying, and I guess I’ll see you soon.”
“Perfect.”
“By the way, I have a dog. A big one.”
He laughs. “I love big dogs.”
“Good,” I say. “Then we’ve got a deal.”