Chapter 37
DEACON
Isaac’s buzzing phone isn’t what’s keeping me awake, although it is annoying.
I can’t sleep because of Evan. It’s not some big shock that he wanted nothing more to do with me tonight after some of the shit that came out of my mouth, but until I get my thoughts more put together, I’m terrified to talk to him for fear of pushing him farther away.
Isaac fell asleep not long after we found out that Evan went to Sam’s, so I put my earbuds in to listen to some music and try to make a plan for how to get us back on track.
I don’t know how throuples are supposed to work. Are there rules? Like everyone has to be involved at all times? Or do I need permission from Evan to be alone with Isaac? Do I want him to ask me first if he needs to be alone with him?
I don’t think Isaac cares when or how many times Evan and I have sex as long as we’re ready for him when he’s around, which I always am, but I get Evan’s not built like me. Or like Isaac.
Given Isaac’s promise that he won’t give up on me and wants me in his life, it’s possible I overreacted when I went off on Evan.
I should have known better than to try talking to him alone.
I should have written him a letter or something.
Or—crazy thought—made love to him. Because I do know how to do that now.
If he knew how strong my feelings were for him, not only would he have understood why I was so agitated, he would have gotten to see what I failed to say.
That I want this to work, and he’s half the reason why.
Bailey got in my head—my own fear of losing Isaac took on a life of its own, but I’m not afraid anymore. He said exactly what I needed to hear. Went above and beyond. I just hope he didn’t risk Evan in the process.
I turn on the lamp as Isaac finally climbs out of bed to go on the hunt for his phone. When I realize what time it is, I’m pissed at myself for not waking him sooner.
He’s at the foot of the bed, his pants in hand as he feels around and then digs the phone out of a pocket.
He frowns at the screen. “I don’t recognize this number.” He swipes the screen. “Hello? Yes. Wait—where? Jacob Sullivan? Is he all right? Yes, I’m his brother.”
He tucks the phone between his shoulder and his ear and turns his pants right side out, moving to put them on. I sit up and look for my own pants. They’re by the bedroom door.
Isaac’s voice rises. “What does that mean? Critical? Is he okay?”
This sounds bad. Forgetting about my lounge pants, I go to my closet and grab a pair of jeans.
“I’m coming,” he says. “No—I’ll take care of that. I’m the only one you need to contact. I can be there soon, but if anything changes—okay. Okay. Thank you. I’m on my way.”
I zip up my jeans. “What’s going on?”
“My brother—he was attacked? I’m not sure. He’s—”
Distracted or upset—I can’t tell which—Isaac stops talking and dresses quickly. “I have to go.”
“Let me drive you,” I say.
“No, I—you have work and Jake is…” He shoves his hands through his hair and looks around for his shirt. “Fuck,” he whispers. “I don’t understand what could have happened.”
His shirt is hanging off the side of the bed, and I pick it up to hand him. “Did they say what his injuries are?”
“They said he’s in critical condition. That’s bad, right? But, I mean—what the fuck? He’s like—everybody likes him. He’s Jake. He’s…”
I rub his arm and say, “Get dressed. Where he is?”
“Fairfield. NorthBay Medical.”
“That’s kinda far. Should you really go by yourself?” I don’t know, which is why I’m asking. I’m not used to seeing Isaac this disorganized, and it’s making me tense.
“I can’t call his parents until I know more.”
Evan, I think instantly. He needs Evan.
“Give me a second, okay? I’m gonna get Evan.”
“Don’t wake him—I mean…” He sort of half groans, half sighs. “Okay.”
“I’ll be right back.”
Hurrying down the hall to Evan’s room, I enter without knocking. “Evan,” I call out before flipping on the overhead light.
I walk toward the mess of blankets on the bed, not wanting to irritate him, but needing him up. I grab for the comforter and pull it gently. It gives beneath my hand, revealing an empty bed. I scowl, looking for the dog.
My mouth goes dry when I realize neither of them are here.
Turning in a circle, I face his closet. It’s open.
It’s not empty, but it’s far from full. With a slow-growing awareness, I enter the bathroom, noting the lack of a toothbrush, toothpaste, face wash, and razor.
The note said he’d be home later, didn’t it?
So why does it look like he left town again?
Isaac appears in the mirror behind me. I glance at his reflection, and he meets my eyes with sudden confusion. “He’s not here?”
I shake my head. I don’t need to check the living room.
Isaac runs a frantic hand through his tousled hair. His inhalation is shaky and loud. “I have to get to my brother.
“Let me take you,” I say.
He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the bathroom. “We’ll call him, okay? ”
I nod, feeling like a robot as I go through the motions of putting on my shoes and collecting my things—phone, wallet, watch, keys.
Isaac passes his car key to me as we walk down the stairs.
Once we’re in the car, his phone connects to bluetooth, and he plugs in the address of the hospital.
I focus on the pleasant AI generated male voice as it guides me in the correct direction.
I try not to think of anything else. Get Isaac to Jake. It’s the only thing I can control.
Isaac’s hand is clamped on my thigh, like he needs something to hang onto. I wish I could do the same, but I’m a ten and two driver. Both hands on the wheel at all times.
My stomach is sick, and stress has me pulled taut—a combination of his emotions and my own. We don’t speak on the drive, and I go as fast as the car and what little traffic there is will let me.
The first thought I have as we enter the hospital through the emergency room is that I should have waited in the car.
The lights are too bright. The noises are random and unfamiliar.
Isaac is rushing from person to person, talking too fast until he’s told how to locate the ICU.
The elevator ride up is my only reprieve.
It’s just the two of us for a few moments, and the lighting is dimmer.
I force myself to breathe and center myself in the silence, hoping the floor we wind up on is less chaotic and bright than the emergency department.
Luckily, it is. The doors open into a quiet waiting room, but Isaac moves through it on a mission, taking note of the signs indicating room numbers. He pushes through a door, but I stop, letting go of his hand.
He turns to me with a look of pure stress mixed with concern. “Are you all right?”
“You go ahead.” I realize in an instant that Evan is who should be here—not me.
Evan wouldn’t need to find a bathroom right now to escape and try to adjust to the unfamiliar surroundings.
Evan wouldn’t have let go of Isaac’s hand, forcing him to find his brother on his own.
Evan would probably be doing all the talking so Isaac wouldn’t have to.
I feel like the weak link, broken by the last five minutes.
“Okay,” Isaac says softly. “Don’t go where I can’t find you.”
I swallow hard, ashamed of my limitations and angry. It’s not fair that I’m like this. It’s not fair to Isaac, either. I’m not the one dealing with a life or death situation. I should be able to be the strong one.
It’s so stupid that something as fundamental as lighting has me so fucking unwound.
But I am unwound.
The bathroom isn’t far. It has two stalls, and I lock myself inside one, pushing up my sleeves to scratch at my arms. I sit down on the toilet and hang my head, reciting the notes of the Bach minuet in my head until I’ve calmed down enough to stop scratching and tap the rhythm on my arms with my fingers.
I picture myself playing it on actual piano keys, but it takes several minutes for me to lose myself fully in the visualization.
Once I’m there, I remind myself to breathe.
When I’ve gotten myself mostly together, I check my phone. No messages.
On impulse, I type a message to Evan.
Where are you??
Staring at the phone, I hover my thumb over the send button. It’s four in the morning. I know I messed up with him tonight. I got jealous, and something inside me was hurting, and I took it all out on him, when really my insecurity was just as much to blame.
I don’t think it’s my autism or my personality or anything like that. He liked me fine before I forced him into a three-way. Maybe forced is too strong a word but seduced for sure.
But I can’t help the way I feel about Isaac.
Those feelings came out of nowhere—like he stuck his hand inside my chest and yanked them out.
What was happening between me and Evan was proceeding at a pace that would have made perfect sense to me if things with Isaac hadn’t happened so fast, but instead of it morphing into something huge like my feelings for Isaac, it started shriveling into a ball, and I didn’t know how to get it back, so I lashed out.
I’m new to all of this. Relationships. Intense feelings. Fuck, I’ve rarely had sex with the same person more than a couple of times. I wish I could have been more patient.
As I’m about to leave the stall, my phone buzzes. I want so much for it to be Evan, but it’s Isaac.
Isaac
I’m in the waiting room. Where’d you go? Do you need me?
Me
I’m okay. On my way.
He’s frowning when I find him. But he puts his hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes. “I was worried about you. Are you sure you’re all right?”
“I just needed a minute. How’s Jake?”
“Unconscious, but they said he’s stable now.”
A set of double doors swings open to my left, and I flinch. Isaac’s grip on me tightens. “What can I do?” he asks, his voice low.
“I need to go to the car.”
“I’ll go with you.”
I shake my head and move out of his hold. “Jake needs you. I’m okay. I just need…” I’m struggling to find the words, but he doesn’t make me struggle long.
“You can go if you need to. But at least let me walk you out.”
I want to refuse him, but I remember the walk in all too vividly. I nod. He takes my hand and guides me through the chaos until we’re outside the emergency room doors again. That’s where I let go. “I’m sorry,” I tell him.
He shakes his head and steps closer to me, pushing a hand through my hair. “Deacon, don’t apologize. I’m okay. Take care of yourself, and if you need me, I’ll be there.”
I swallow hard. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. It’s so, so fucking clear to me now why he needs Evan, too. Why he’ll never choose. And I might be the reason he loses him.