Chapter 44
DEACON
I’ve never been to Los Angeles before, but this sidewalk cafe in Hollywood is more or less exactly what I pictured.
It’s early, and a holiday weekend but everyone is still getting a workout in.
They’re all good looking. Even the women.
And everyone wants to pet the dog. Finally, Evan makes Apollo move to the other side of the table so he’s squeezed between the building and our chairs, making him less noticeable.
We both order pancakes. Mine are plain. Evan’s are blueberry.
The cold brew I got is excellent, and with the first couple of sips, I feel how much caffeine is in it.
If I don’t have to drive home today, I’ll be able to take an amazing nap later, but for now, I’m hoping it’ll clear my head enough to get my mouth working.
The problem, other than my poor communication skills, is how good Evan looks.
The sunlight in his hair turns it the prettiest shade of caramel.
His eyes are that blazing, sparkling blue like some European sea on a perfect day, and it’s fucking with me.
Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever found him this attractive, and he’s not even trying.
I don’t get why I’m noticing it so much because I’m borderline obsessed with the way Isaac looks and generally everything about him, so the fact that there’s even room in my head for me to be looking at Evan like this takes me right back to the beginning of what started this whole mess.
I wanted them both, too. I wasn’t just going with the flow or being a good sport. I was into it. I just needed to understand it—maybe the same way Evan did—but I lost my patience. “So you like it here?”
“I’m from here,” he says. “Not Hollywood, but around here. Do you like the beach?”
I grimace. “Not really. The sand.”
“Sand is a pain in the ass. I’ve taken more showers with the dog in the last month than I did the whole time I lived in San Francisco.”
I laugh. “I didn’t know you did that.”
“It’s not like I can wash him in the sink.”
“He does always smell good.”
“Not always,” Evan argues.
“Better than most dogs.”
“How many dogs are you smelling?”
I laugh again. “Just Manon and Heather, but I haven’t seen them in a while.”
Deftly avoiding the topic of Millie and Manon, Evan asks, “How are Mal and Ryan? They haven’t killed each other yet?”
I shrug. “Like I said, after Jake got hurt, I haven’t had a chance to go out much.”
“Jake who?” Evan asks.
“Isaac’s brother.”
Recognition flickers on his face, then something more like concern. “He got hurt?”
Oh shit. Jake’s condition has become such a part of my life that I totally forgot it happened the night Evan and I fought, and he left.
“He’s doing a lot better.” I don’t want him to think I’m trying to make him feel bad. He had every right to leave, especially that particular night.
“But what happened?”
“He got into a fight at his fraternity house.”
Evan’s face loses some color even as the sun creeps higher in the sky. “Is Isaac okay?”
I nod.
He stares at me for a long time. I’m sure he’s got a million questions. A million thoughts. Visuals even. I wish I could think of something to say that could disrupt whatever he might be picturing and make sure I haven’t totally fucked this up over pancakes.
My own thoughts flash back to being in the hospital and having to retreat to the car to blast music, so fucking angry Evan wasn’t there—and so pissed at myself that I couldn’t do what I knew he’d be able to do—help Isaac.
“I’m glad he has you,” Evan says.
The statement hits me squarely in the chest—directly in the spot where it got so tight earlier. “Thanks,” I whisper. “Nothing’s changed for him, you know?”
Evan sets down his fork. “I’m not sure how comfortable I am with you speaking for him.”
“I’m not,” I say. “I’m telling you what I know, and that’s that he loves you. And me. Whatever that means for him.”
“And that’s okay with you?” Evan asks.
“Yes.”
“Do you not get jealous?”
“It’s not like I don’t understand what he sees in you. Or why he wants you. It’s not taking anything from me—”
“That’s not what you said, though.”
“I don’t want to fight, Evan.”
“I’m not fighting,” he says. “I’m done fighting. I promise. I just wish...”
He trails off, and I almost reach over to shake the rest of the sentence loose from him. “Just wish what?”
“That I could have done it,” he blurts.
“It’s not too late.”
He laughs and gestures…at Hollywood, I guess. “Are you kidding? I live in here now. You and Isaac have been in a month long relationship—”
“You and him were in a relationship longer than that when I came along.”
“No, we weren’t. And none of that matters because it doesn’t fix what’s broken between you and me.”
“Are we broken?”
“Aren’t we?” he asks.
I understand why he would think so. I thought so, too.
But we’re more like a piece of furniture that hasn’t been assembled yet, not one that’s been hacked apart.
“I don’t think we ever got a chance. Evan, all I wanted was a chance.
If it can’t work, then fuck it, but so what if it’s complicated if it can work? ”
“Do you even like me?”
“I literally drove all night.”
“That’s not an answer, Deacon.”
“Of course I like you. I let you live with me, didn’t I? I cooked for you. I walked your dog. I read all your code. I took you out with me. I had sex with you. Multiple times. Sober.”
“Lower your voice, Jesus. I’m not trying to be on someone else’s TikTok.”
I clear my throat and shut up. I hadn’t realized how loud I was being until I notice how quiet it is now.
“You need words, don’t you?” I ask.
“All I ever needed was time. With you.”
I frown. “I’m here now.”
“Right, but you’re with Isaac now, too.”
I rub my hands down my pants legs, my fingers moving restlessly. “I don’t know how to explain this, so be patient with me.”
He nods.
“Have you ever met someone you had an instant connection with?”
“Hunter, I guess.”
Not loving that answer, I dig my nails into my leg so I can go on. “And what did that look like?”
“We were fast friends. We started inviting each other everywhere we went, and then we kind of stopped going places just to hang out together, and then it turned into more.”
“Did you always want it to be more?”
“Yeah. I liked him right away. I mean, he did, too. He was just—sort of determined to be straight for a while there.”
“How long did that last?” I ask.
“A few months. And then he kissed me.”
“What was that like?” I ask, positive I’m leaving bruises on my thighs.
Evan grins to himself. “Like the spark finally reached the stick of dynamite.”
I hate the implication, but I appreciate the visual. It’s the kind that’s easy for me to understand on a more visceral level. “That’s what it was like for me and Isaac the first night,” I can say with certainty.
“Yeah, I kinda figured.”
I make myself let go of my legs. “You never said what it was like for you and him.”
“You want to know?”
As much as I hate picturing Evan and the faceless Hunter together, I know what it looks like to see him with Isaac, and it’s mostly only turned me on. There was a twinge of jealousy a few times, but it’s not the same kind I get when he’s talking about Hunter. Not even close.
“It was really horny,” he says.
That makes me chuckle.
“We were in the office late prepping for a board meeting, and our knees kept brushing, or he’d reach over and rub my shoulder, and I’d lean a little too close, and I realized he was hard, and that made me hard, and I was kinda like fuck it—I’m going for it.
So I ran my hand up his thigh, stopping just before I got too close to anything, and he just…
leaned back in his chair like —go for it. So I went for it.”
“Did you have sex?”
“No, I just blew him. Came in my pants.”
I laugh.
He shrugs, not ashamed at all. “We had sex the next day.”
“And what was that like?”
“Feeding frenzy,” Evan says.
“After the board meeting I’m guessing?”
Evan nods, shoving another forkful of his pancakes into his mouth.
“He said you guys never kissed much.”
Evan winces as he chews and swallows. “Like I said—it was all pretty horny. Not a lot of foreplay. Basic office quickies.”
“Right,” I say.
“Is that what you guys do now?” he asks.
I frown at him, trying to figure out the question. I think he’s asking me if Isaac and I have sex in the office. “Isaac hasn’t been to work since Jake got out of the hospital.”
Evan struggles to swallow and finally manages with a gulp. “Honestly, it bothers me that he didn’t tell me about that.”
“I think he didn’t want to make you feel bad for leaving.”
“I already feel bad for leaving.”
“It hurt, Evan.”
His eyes flash up to meet mine. “I’m sorry.
I honestly don’t know what else to say. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me something.
Like you don’t belong here. I feel terrible for how I left, though.
No matter how upset I was, you both deserved better than that.
I was just…protecting myself I guess. But I don’t feel bad about getting out of the way so you and Isaac could be together.
It’s like the one good thing that came out of it. ”
I narrow my eyes. “I hope you’re not expecting me to thank you.”
“No, I can tell you’re pissed at me. Breakfast is on me, okay?”
“Sounds like you make more money than I do, so I’ll take that.”
He sighs, setting his fork on his plate. “I don’t think I wanna talk anymore. I’m tired.”
“Let’s go, then,” I say.
“Yeah, all right.”
We get the check, and Evan pays. He drags Apollo from a deep sleep, and we walk together back to his place. Inside, the dog curls up on his bed in the living room, and I sit back down with my computer.
“You’re gonna keep working?” Evan asks.
“If you don’t mind.”
“I just need to close my eyes for like an hour.”
“Sounds good,” I say, my head already in the computer.
Evan’s been in his bedroom for about twenty minutes when my phone dings with a text. I flinch when I see it’s from Isaac. Immediately, I put through a call, kicking myself for not doing it sooner.
“Hey,” he says when he answers. “Did you know you’re off today?”
“I remembered last night after I left.”
“Why didn’t you come back?” he asks. “Sick of me?”
“I kinda got this idea in my head. I’m in LA. With Evan.”
Isaac’s silence is so loud, it hurts my ear.
“I just came to check in and see if he needed any help with his software.”
“And?”
“He did. So I’m helping.”
There’s a loaded pause and then, “What the fuck, Deacon?”
I close my eyes and lean back on the couch, my laptop slanting precariously to the side. “I just got the idea in my head, and I couldn’t shake it. It was the middle of the night. You were sleeping.”
“So you’re with him now?”
“He’s taking a nap, but yeah. I’m at his apartment.”
“What is this really about?” he asks. “Because if it’s about what I said last night—I didn’t mean you needed to bring him back to me.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. “Because I don’t think he’s gonna bring himself back.”
Isaac sucks in a breath. “Why would you say that?”
“Because according to him, he did the right thing by leaving, especially since you and I are still together.”
“Deacon, I swear. If you’re happy with it just being us, I’m good. I told you. I don’t need anything else.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I tell him. “And now that I’m here, I don’t think it’s true for me either. What you and I have is great—maybe even special, but what we could have had with him? You can’t tell me that wouldn’t have been something like perfect.”
“It feels like you’re ripping out my heart.”
Isaac can be a little dramatic. This is according to Gray, and I’m starting to see it more, too.
He’s a huge romantic, and he feels things big.
This makes him prone to hyperbole and grand proclamations.
I like how enormous his heart is, though.
It means there’s more than enough of it to go around.
I might not have understood that a month ago, but I definitely do now.
He’s probably a better ambassador for the relationship I know he and I both want to have with Evan, but he’s got Jake to think about, so I’m gonna have to be the one to do this, and it’s only right, since I was the one who ended up pushing Evan away.