Chapter 8
Alex
The Fleureau house was unusually quiet. There was always noise coming from a TV or radio in one of the rooms. Today, there was nothing but absolute silence.
Alex found Elena curled up on her bed. It was as if she were trying to make herself smaller, trying to disappear.
Something bad must have happened. He put his hand on her shoulder, trying to get her attention.
Elena startled and looked up at Alex, taking out her headphones.
She hadn't heard him come in. Her cheeks were wet with tears.
Alex had been right. Without thinking, he sat down beside her and took her in his arms. Elena burst into tears.
He let her cry. It seemed that no one had been there for her for far too long.
“What happened?”
Elena clung to him like a lifeline. While Alex had promised himself not to get too attached to her, he was failing miserably. But none of his resolutions mattered when Elena was so close to him.
“Today marks three years since my brother died.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don't be. I should have died instead.”
He felt his heart skip a beat. Alex knew Elena was struggling with her family situation and her accident, but she'd never talked about dying. He'd never realized how broken she was inside. Just like him.
“Don't say that. Your life is worth as much as anyone else's.”
“Then why do I feel like I don't deserve to live?”
Her tears kept flowing. How could such a nice person feel so disposable? Alex tightened his embrace. If only he could make her understand how precious she was.
“Did your father tell you that?”
“I wonder if anyone would realize if I disappeared. No one would miss me.”
“I'd miss you.”
This new reality unnerved him. Alex mentally put the thought in a box—one he would open later.
“That's not true. There's nothing about me you could miss.”
Alex didn't know what to do. Elena was desperate. When he'd been younger, Alex had found himself at the edge of the abyss, but his mother had been with him every step of the way. Between a father who didn't love her and a mother who never defended her, Elena was alone.
Alex stroked her hair. “You're my friend. Of course, I'd miss you. I know you can't believe this right now, but I'd be sad if anything happened to you.”
Elena nestled her face in the crook of his neck, enveloping him in her sweet cherry blossom perfume. “They went to visit his grave. He didn't want me to come.”
“You never had a chance to mourn his death. Your father never let you, did he?”
Elena had always taken the emotional and physical blows without ever having the chance to recover, believing she didn't deserve better. Alex couldn't imagine what it was like to be crushed relentlessly to the point of believing that his own life had no value whatsoever.
“Let's go.”
Elena stepped back as if he'd just slapped her. “What?”
“Let's go and visit his grave.”
Elena played with her hands, unsure what to do with herself.
It was disturbing to see her like this. The girl who always looked so composed and stoic was a wreck.
Alex wondered if it had been a mistake to suggest they go to the cemetery, but deep down, he knew it was what she needed.
It was time she finally accepted her brother's passing.
Otherwise, she'd never be able to move on.
“I’m not sure this is a good idea. He told me not to go.”
“When are you going to start living for yourself?”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It's not easy.”
Oh God, he knew. Alex hadn't had an easy time putting his life back together, but he was trying. Even if he struggled half the time. Life was a fucking mess, but it was necessary to move forward. He wanted her to move on and get better.
Elena looked up at him. For the first time, she was able to look him in the eye. She was ready. Alex stood up and handed her her jacket.
“I'm in my pyjamas.”
“I'm not sure your brother would have minded. Let's go.”
He expected her to find more excuses. She just rubbed her eyes before nodding. Alex ruffled her hair, and she swatted his hand away, a small smile on her lips.
Elena stayed silent on the drive there, twisting her fingers. When they arrived, Alex waited for her to react, but Elena was lost in her thoughts.
“Do you want me to wait here?”
Unlike what he had expected, she shook her head. In the distance, they could see Maura and Frank returning to their car. Once they were gone, Alex and Elena got out of the Polo. He put his hand on her back. She was trembling.
“Don't worry, princess, you're not alone.”
***
Elena
Seeing my brother's grave had made me realize a few things.
One, Mick was dead, and he would never come back to me.
I had known this objectively, but seeing his grave three years later only confirmed what I'd been trying to ignore all this time.
It made my sadness grow, something I'd thought impossible.
Apparently, there's no limit to the amount of pain a human heart can feel.
The only thing that changes is that you get used to it.
Two, I hadn't heard from my best friend in days.
We'd never been the duo who sent messages to each other every day, but for the anniversary of my brother's death, I'd hoped for a little support from her.
I hadn't heard from her in over a week. Yet she had seen my messages.
Was this how our friendship was going to end?
Ignoring each other? It sure looked that way.
Three, I didn't want to die. When I saw the grave, I had prepared myself to feel even more guilty for having been the one who lived, but I hadn’t. I was sure Alex's presence had a lot to do with it.
And four, I didn't want to lead the life I was leading now.
But I was a coward. And so scared. My only ticket out had been taken away from me on the day of my accident.
Now I was stuck in a life I didn't want, while being unable to get out of it.
And that realization was the worst of all.
The therapist was watching me, her lips pursed.
I'd been sitting on her couch for half an hour without saying a word.
“Elena, I'm afraid you're shutting yourself off again. Please tell me how you feel?”
Sad? Distraught? Completely overwhelmed? So many options came to mind, but I didn't know which one to choose. I was so tired.
“What difference would it make if I stopped talking? It’s not like my words have any value.”
“That's where you're wrong. You're just as important as any other person.”
I felt the emptiness in my chest deepen.
Yes, I was as important as any other person, but no, my word wasn’t worth shit.
If someone could make my parents understand that, just like my brother (rest in peace), I, too, had a soul and feelings, and that I was worth as much as he was, I'd appreciate that.
Except that nobody would do it. That was the reality I found myself stuck in.
“I don't feel like a person. I don't even feel human anymore. Just an indelible stain people are trying to get rid of at all costs. So what does it matter?”
Stacy smiled, tears shining in her eyes. I had just insinuated that my life was worthless and that I could probably disappear without anyone noticing my absence. Why did she look so relieved?
“This is the first time you've been honest in a session. You're finally ready to get better.”
I didn't feel ready at all. As always, it felt like everything in my life was going wrong, and I couldn't keep my head above water. I was sinking, again and again. I was used to this sinking feeling by now. And I never hit bottom. That, too, had become familiar.
“I don't feel ready.”
“But you are.”
***
Kelsey walked into my room and plopped down on the couch. No hello, no kiss, nothing. She looked like she'd come here to talk business. She was usually so happy and bubbly, I hardly recognized her. I felt like I was facing a wall.
“Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you for over a week.”
“I was busy.” Her voice was cold. As if she'd just recited a text she'd learned by heart.
I frowned. What was wrong with her?
“Busy with what? What could be more important than the third anniversary of Mick's death?”
“Me,” she replied without blinking.
“I'm not sure I understand.”
“I needed time for myself.”
“And I needed you!”
For three years, I'd kept my mouth shut; now I really needed my best friend. Her gaze turned cold. She was going to leave me, too, wasn't she?
“You're not the only one who lost someone important that day, Lena. I needed some time for myself—I still do. I think it’s for the best if we go our separate ways.”
“What are you saying?”
“We're no good for each other. I don't think we should be friends anymore.”
Kelsey left the room without looking back. My heart was heavy, but there were no more tears. I was too tired to cry.
***
Alex
Elena stopped in front of Alex, holding a bouquet of yellow tulips.
She stood as straight as an arrow, determined.
Alex raised an eyebrow. He closed his locker and gave her his full attention.
The last time he'd seen her had been when they'd visited her brother's grave.
That event had changed her. Something was different about her, but he couldn't put his finger on it.
“You got a secret admirer?”
Elena frowned, confused. “What? No, why would you think that?”
Alex pointed to the flowers with his chin. For some weird reason, she flushed. Adorable. Some students looked at them curiously before moving on. Granted. They formed a rather unusual duo.
“Oh, uhm... they're for you actually.”
Alex chuckled. He'd clearly misheard. She frowned even more, clearly offended.
Maybe he'd heard her right, after all. Elena threw the flowers at his face.
She raised her head before heading off in the opposite direction.
Alex had to do his best to catch up. She quickened her pace and exited the building.
“Elena, wait! Don't be mad.”
“Forget it.”
“Thanks for the flowers.”
She turned back to him. So that was what had changed; Elena was getting bolder. She still had a long way to go, but she seemed to have decided not to let others walk over her so easily. “Is this a joke?”
“What? No!”
“You don't seem happy to receive flowers.” She crossed her arms, lifting her chin.
God, she was infuriating, and yet he loved it.
“Why would you want to give me flowers?”
Her facade cracked. “They were pretty...”
“You... gave me flowers because you thought they were pretty.”
Elena jumped from one foot to the other. She'd looked tough for a second; now she just looked like a cream puff. Alex felt like wrapping her in a blanket and feeding her ice cream. Wait, that's weird. He shook his head.
“Why are you being so nice to me? I don't deserve it.”
“I like you, so get used to it.”
She sat down on a bench in the park opposite the school. Kelsey walked past them without glancing in their direction. At first, he thought she hadn't seen them, but seeing Elena's face scrunch together, he knew something was up. Just as he turned back to her to ask the question, she spoke.
“Alex, do you think I'm a bad person?”
“No, I don’t. Why would you think that?”
“You think I'm selfish?”
“You are. We all are. That's what makes us human.”
“Am I too selfish?”
Where was this coming from? Sure, Elena could be difficult from time to time, and sure, it was hard to get through to her because she was stubborn and refused to let people in.
But of all her flaws, selfishness was not a word that came to mind when he thought of her.
Elena was always trying to please others to the point of not living for herself. Alex crossed his arms.
“Okay, what's going on?”
For a moment, she didn’t speak. Alex waited; no sound came. He decided to push her a little. She was the kind of person who sometimes needed a push.
“Elena, talk to me.”
She looked up at him and sighed. While she told him, Alex pinched the bridge of his nose.
At first, he'd judged Kelsey while giving her the benefit of the doubt.
In the end, he'd been right. She was a pest. Not having those kind of people in her life was the best thing that could happen to Elena, even if it hurt her.
“I think it's time for you to spend your life with people who care about you.”
“I guess I'll always be alone, then.”
“Nah, you got me.”
Elena rested her head on his shoulder. “Poor you.”