Chapter 23
Elena
Alex had been looking outside for over an hour, lost in thought, and I didn't know whether to get him out of it or not.
Ever since I told him that I wanted to confront my demons the day before, he had been in some kind of trance, seemingly fighting an inner battle.
When I got up to go to the kitchen, he snapped out of his torpor.
All I wanted to do was run and hug him, and tell him everything would be all right.
Seeing him so sad was like a punch in the gut.
But I didn't. Right now, he was too fragile for me to rush over to him.
This time, Alex would have to decide when or if he wanted to come to me.
“Are you leaving?”
“No, I was just going to grab a snack. Do you want me to leave?”
Perhaps this wasn't the best time to talk. Alex was still shaken. Who was that man? And what had happened to put Alex in such a state of distress?
“Why would I want you to leave?” he asked.
“Maybe you need time to collect your thoughts?”
Alex tapped his finger against the window, the only sign of his anxiety. “I don't need to. I guess I need to stop trying to figure out what to say and just talk.”
“You sure you're ready to talk?”
Because I wasn't. I was touched by the fact that he wanted me to know. But was it supposed to go like this? It felt like Alex was forcing himself to open up, and I wasn't convinced that this was the best thing for him to do. He rubbed his palms over his face.
“I don't think I'll ever be ready. Lena, I can't do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Keep that part of me away from you. You're one of the people I care about most, and not being honest with you feels too heavy.”
So this was the moment of truth. I sat back on his bed.
“That person we ran into hurt you, didn't he?”
“He destroyed me.”
Faced with my worried look, Alex smiled. It wasn’t genuine, though. He was just trying to reassure me, as always. I had to pull myself together and be strong. He needed it.
“I'm fine now, don't worry.”
He was lying through his teeth. The pretence was over, he couldn't fool me anymore. Either Alex turned his pain into uncontrollable anger, or he drowned it with alcohol and drugs.
“I don't think you're doing as well as you want me to believe. You wouldn't have your temper not attraction to drugs if you were.”
I expected him to retort and tell me how broken I was.
Instead, he nodded. “You're right, but I'm working on it.
I know it may not seem like it, but I've been to therapy for years.
I've also been in talking groups. I'm really trying. I guess I just… struggle to get there.” Alex sat down on the bed and hugged a pillow.
In this moment, he didn't look like an adult, but like a terrified, lost child.
The child I'd once known. I'd never seen him so shaken before.
It hit me then that I knew almost nothing about him when he wasn't with me.
Alex rarely talked about himself, and when he did, he only shared small anecdotes.
Yet his life was just as complicated as mine was, if not more so.
His hands trembled slightly. I moved towards him, but Alex moved his hands away to stay out of my reach.
Without hesitation, I grabbed his wrists.
Alex tried to pull away, so I tightened my grip.
He looked up at me, and I held his gaze.
I couldn't let him sink into his distress.
And if I couldn't keep him out of it, I'd go down with him.
“You're safe. It's just me.”
“I don't know where to start.”
“You don't have to tell me anything. You know that, right?”
Alex nodded, his eyes focused on our entwined hands. “I just hope your image of me doesn't change.”
“If it changes, it will only make you more human to me.”
He took a deep breath. For the first time, Alex was unable to hold my gaze. My thumbs traced little circles on his palms, trying to comfort him.
“When I was a kid, I was in a swimming club.
I didn't particularly like it at first, but as I was good at sports, my parents enrolled me in several clubs, including swimming, tennis, and soccer.
Because I was smaller than others my age, they often teased me.
I was also one of the best on the team, and the coach's favourite, so most of my clubmates didn't like me that much. I thought it was because I trained and did my best that our coach appreciated me so much, but I was wrong.”
My blood ran cold, my heart pounding in my temples. This couldn't be true. Please, let me be wrong.
Alex smiled sadly. “You get it, don't you?”
I swallowed.
“He abused you.”
“One day, after winning a competition, I was cornered by some of the team members. They started hitting and kicking me. I was alone and unable to defend myself. The coach heard that something was going on and intervened. He gave me first aid before taking me to the doctor. For several days, I was unable to leave the house because of injuries, but he came to see me every day to make sure I recovered quickly. My mom was so grateful to him. After all, he didn't have to look after me so much. At first, nobody understood what was really going on. When I went back to the club, things had changed. None of the other kids dared say anything mean to me anymore. They were trying to be nice. The coach’s behaviour changed too. He spent more time training me personally to become better for our competitions. He gave me chocolate when my training went well. Vincent had become my best friend. One day, I don't know exactly what happened, but I found his behaviour too kind and clingy. I was uncomfortable, but I didn’t understand why. It went on for a while. A smile here, a hand on the shoulder there. It was as if he expected the same of me.”
Nausea made my head spin. How anyone could touch a defenceless child was beyond me.
“You were the victim of a sexual predator. Did he...”
My voice cracked. How was I supposed to finish that question? The answer frightened me. Alex shook his head, still smiling. Why was he trying to be strong, even at a time like this?
“I wasn't raped, if that's what you meant. I was found in time. My story isn't as bad as other people's.”
Something snapped inside me. This wasn't right. “Stop.”
“Elena, I'm fine. It happened eight years ago.”
“Don't you dare say that. Even if he didn't actually rape you, this person manipulated you, took advantage of your naivete to abuse your trust, and touched you.
If he'd had more time, he would have. So don't say that what you suffered wasn't that bad. You have as much right to suffer as anyone else.”
I'd hit home. His breaths quickened, his eyes unable to focus.
Without thinking, I hugged him closer to my heart.
I could feel his pain, and it was making me sick.
If I could take some of that pain away from him, I would.
Alex clung to me like a lifeline, and my heart cracked.
I stroked his hair, waiting for him to recover.
After a while, Alex lay on his back and put his head on my thighs to look at me. His eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“You're right, I'm not fine at all. I thought I was doing okay, but seeing him again made me realize that it was an illusion I forced myself to believe in.
Sometimes I can't help wondering what would’ve happened if they'd found me ten minutes later.
I can't even imagine how much it would screw someone up when you see how much this destroyed me.”
His voice croaked. Alex took my hand and placed it over his heart. It was beating so fast that I feared it would fly out of his chest.
“You see, Vincent was a person I admired and considered one of my closest friends.
What he did... he was turning me into his personal slave, an object to satisfy his messed-up desires.
I wasn't hurt physically, but that doesn't take away the fear and emotional pain. Though it’s been years, I still wake up some nights because I'm terrified.
It's a stain I can't erase, and sometimes I feel like it’s going to suffocate me.”
What could I possibly say? I couldn't make his trauma go away. I just hoped I could help him as he had helped me, and I prayed he could overcome his past and be happy. For real this time.
“I'm so sorry you had to go through all this... But he can't hurt you anymore.”
Alex raised an eyebrow. “Why’s that? Are you going to protect me?”
Would I be able to? One thing was certain: I would do everything within my power. “Of course!” I exclaimed, tensing my arm muscles. “Look at my biceps. Aren't you impressed by my physique?”
For the first time since he'd opened his heart to me, his smile was sincere, and I could breathe again.
“Yes, I feel so safe now.”
I rolled my eyes, but deep down I felt reassured. If he could make jokes, that was a good sign. “What I mean is, he hurt you then, but you're a man now. A physically very strong person. No one can hurt you like that. And even if he tries, I won't let him get anywhere near you.”
“You’re adorable.”
Not the answer I was expecting. I pouted. “I'm trying to be strong and confident here...”
Alex placed a kiss on my fingers. “You are. But you’re also adorable, and I love how protective you are.”
“You know I'd move heaven and earth for you, don't you?”
I hoped he understood that I was sincere. I loved him so much. At this point, I would do anything for him.
“I know.”
***
Ever since Alex had told me about his past, he had acted like a different person.
Okay, this might be a slight exaggeration, but things had changed.
We'd become even closer, something I'd thought impossible.
There was no longer that wall around his heart.
Now that I belonged there, he didn't want me to leave.
It was nice to be accepted and loved, especially by someone I loved just as much.
“Do you really have to go back to that house? I don't like leaving you alone here.” Alex looked at my house as if the devil himself were there.
Maybe he wasn't wrong.
“I don't have another option. Where would I go?”
“You could stay at my place.”
I liked the idea, no matter how unrealistic it really was. “I can't stay at your place forever.”
“Why not? My mother adores you.”
“I can't take advantage of you like that. It wouldn't be right.”
They had already been so good to me. I couldn't keep relying on them indefinitely. Besides, deep down, I knew that Lexi's affection for me had shifted as our friendship had evolved. Alex wanted to retort, but thought better of it.
“Call me if anything happens, okay? I don't care what time it is or why. If anything happens, I'll come get you.”
“I mean, look at you. You'll be a perfect boyfriend,” I joked to lighten the situation.
This time, it didn’t work. He was more serious than ever. “Promise me!” he insisted.
“I promise.”
As I entered the house, I tried to make my way to my room on silent feet to avoid Frank.
Luck was not on my side; he was already in the corridor.
He seemed particularly sober, which lulled me into a fake sense of safety.
My father raised an eyebrow when he spotted me, but didn’t show more interest than that.
My body froze, unsure of what would happen.
When he was sober, he wasn't physically violent.
His words became his weapons: sharp and made to wound a person to a bloody pulp.
“Where have you been?”
Like you give a shit.
“At a friend's house.”
His gaze fell on the bruise on my neck, and I swallowed. I should have followed Lexi's advice and hidden that hickey with concealer.
“Friends, you say. Looks like you got fucked instead.”
How was I ever going to stand up to him? His words had the same effect as his fists. My breath caught in my throat. I lowered my eyes and hurried to my room. I wouldn't break in front of him. Not this time.