THIRTY-NINE
Finn
Set has been a decidedly somber affair ever since the pay gap exposé and my blowout with Maeve. Both my mom and Cassidy clearly blame me for what happened. And it is my fault, but it was an honest mistake! That I apologized for sincerely and profusely. I’m starting to get annoyed that Maeve still won’t talk to me, and that everyone is still mad at me. I’ve done the apology song and dance, we’ve negotiated way more money for Maeve from Streamify, I’ve done everything asked of me. So let’s move on from me being persona non grata.
“Maybe the sex scenes could be what we end with.” Cassidy is talking to my mom and dad, ignoring me completely. “Right now … it’s just not the best time, chemistry wise.”
“We could revisit the idea of body doubles,” my mom offers.
My dad nods thoughtfully. They’re about five feet away from me, acting as though I’m not there. “Are you serious right now?” I burst out finally. “I’ve apologized! Why isn’t that enough? Can we just move on? It wasn’t even your contract.”
My mom narrows her eyes, and Cassidy responds with an epic eye roll and biting tone. “Yeah, you can just move on. You won’t ever have to feel the repercussions of your actions.”
“What is that supposed to mean? Trust me, I feel them. My girlfriend won’t talk to me—actually, I don’t even know if she still is my girlfriend. The internet hates me. And I’ve spent the last week apologizing.”
“You got a few negative tweets. And a bunch of positive ones from misogynistic assholes. At the end of the day, the press tide has turned positive and people are commending you for supporting women.” Cassidy’s tone is full of disgust.
“And why is that so awful?”
My dad walks over and puts a hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down. “Because you shouldn’t be commended for just doing the right thing after making a huge mistake. Women pay for everyone’s mistakes and never get commended for it. And think about how Maeve is feeling.”
“Better, I hope, she just got a heck of a lot more money.” But more pinpricks of guilt are popping up. “Listen, I know she must feel betrayed. But I don’t know what more I can do here. And I am so sorry .”
“You don’t get a medal for being sorry Finn. Not from us,” my dad responds calmly.
“Why don’t we all take ten,” my dad commands, and around us lighting techs and assistants clear out as fast as they can. Cassidy stalks off to her trailer.
“She’s right you know,” my mom says firmly. “You expect to be rewarded for apologizing, because the press makes such a fuss when you, or any man, does anything right. Apologizing is the minimum. Making things right financially is just what you should do.”
“I don’t think she’s ever going to forgive me,” I say quietly. “I really was just being stupid. So stupid. But it wasn’t intentional.”
“But Finn, women don’t get to be stupid. If you really want to be a good team, a good partner, you have to be fighting against all the assholes and unfairness in the world with her because you’re in the most privileged position possible. I know you try. But the little things don’t matter much if you get the big fights wrong.” My dad’s tone is gentle, and that makes his words hurt even more.
“I know, you’re right. And I feel awful. I will do better. I never want anyone to screw Maeve like they did. But I feel like I’m never going to be able to get past this with her.”
My dad opens his mouth to give me more advice, but my mom squeezes his hand, stopping him. “Honey, you love her. And you know her. If we help you fix this, we’re not doing you any favors.”
Once set wraps, I drive straight home and do what I’ve done for the past seven nights straight. I walk to Maeve’s now almost-finished recording studio shipping container, which is temporarily housed in our yard, and lie on the floor. Sometimes when she’s editing or brainstorming and having a hard time, Maeve will lie down on the carpet to think. And so I asked Luca to put the messages from friends, family, and fans on the ceiling, so now when she looks up she’ll see a million reasons why she’s brilliant and impactful.
I hate that my actions made her doubt herself even more than I know she already does.
I know that the pay-gap reveal hit her right in the gut. From her solo show getting turned down to the article’s focus on me, it was a series of blows that broke the camel’s back. I’ve been nursing my wounds all week, upset that she wouldn’t just forgive me, when really, I should have been thinking more about how closely this hits on all of her biggest anxieties.
My mom and Cassidy are right. Even though all this time I’ve claimed to want to be normal … I’m used to special treatment. And that’s why I’m waiting for a gold star for apologizing rather than groveling or doing the work to learn and do better in the future like I should be. Maeve is the most important person in the world to me. Even when I started acting in this movie, which I knew would bother her, she never said a word. She supported me, without pushing me, like always. She makes me think more deeply, take risks, face my fears, be the best version of me. And while I’ve done the basics to be a good guy, I haven’t truly taken into account just how hard she’s had to work to get here, and that for everything I’ve been born entitled to, she had to work a million times harder to just get a shot at. That to level the playing field I need to be behind her one million percent, even if sometimes that means staying behind the scenes, like my dad does for my mom at times. I need to apologize again. Properly this time. With grace and humility and no righteous remorse turned to anger.
It’s time for me to make sure she knows that I do see her.