FORTY
Maeve
I am now the highest paid podcaster. Full stop. At everyone’s urging, Streamify raised my compensation a hundred thousand over Finn just to make a point. It’s another glass ceiling, but although I’ve done the press for it, it doesn’t feel the same. Getting a pay raise Streamify was forced into doesn’t feel like earning it, even though the game is rigged and I know, logically, I did earn this. Far more than Finn did.
During this epic negotiation, we skipped putting out an episode, and according to reports Streamify lost half a million in ad spend just from that one week. We have influence. And now, I have more money than I ever imagined I would, so it’s time to take my destiny into my own hands and produce my show.
“Thanks for meeting with me,” Evangeline says as I walk into her office. It feels strange to be at Finn’s house but to see his mom rather than him. “And let me say, I am so sorry about everything that has happened with the Streamify deal. And for my son’s behavior.”
“Thank you,” I say quietly. Finn and I haven’t talked this past week and a half. It still feels so raw—I have nothing more to say right now. My sisters went home last night, after a week and a half of takeout sushi, phone interviews followed by tears, and wallowing. I know I’ll have to see Finn next week to record, but until then … I don’t know where we stand. What I want us to be.
“So, I hear you want to start a female-focused production company,” I say, a statement, not a question. Shazia has told me Evangeline really wants to work with me. At first, I worried she was just trying to patch things up for Finn. But I sat with my feelings and talked to my therapist and eventually logic prevailed. Evangeline is a creative I deeply respect, and those worries are my own imposter syndrome talking. I want to hear her out.
Evangeline nods. “I do. I want to be able to produce the projects that the studios turn down. The ones with female leads over fifty, and movies that don’t end with the guy getting the girl. Or the girl getting the guy. I want to focus on empowered women, flaws and all, because I think the studios are overlooking the spending power of women.”
“That’s extremely cool. And smart,” I add. “I’m slightly surprised that you want a reality TV show in the mix.”
“I want you in the mix. And, yes, I want reality TV. Especially reality TV that doesn’t revolve around women competing for a man.” Evangeline noticeably shudders when she says this. “But mostly, I want you. I’ve listened to every episode of Tell Me How You Really Feel , and I think you’re brilliant. You don’t need me to back this new show; you have the means to do that yourself. But I want us to be a team. The old and the new, combining forces, to tell stories.”
This is a lot to wrap my head around. “Are you … are you sure?” I’m not used to someone with this much power telling me that I’m smart. Typically, when we have a meeting people are falling all over themselves to compliment Finn, since he’s the famous one. “I still have to do the show with Streamify. So I’d be spending two days a week as talent.”
“As you should. You’re very talented. But I am completely sure. This will be a lot of work, no doubt about it, but the logistics of most of the productions will all be outsourced. I know everyone in the industry for that. I can find you an incredible editor for the show, a woman you can trust. And then when you’re not on camera, you can be finding the projects that deserve to be made and putting together the teams to do it with me.”
I’m quiet for a moment, considering. This sounds too good to be true. “Why aren’t you doing this with Cassidy? Or Finn?”
“Maeve, we don’t need to give men more. They already have enough. Finn will be fine. More than fine. And Cassidy is a lovely woman. A talented, kind model and actress. But you are incredibly smart. You have vision, guts, determination. You deserve this and are exactly the person I want involved. Your therapy reality show can be the first show we announce, start all this with a bang, because I want you to know, I believe in your ideas.”
“Okay,” I say finally, tentatively, after another moment of hesitation. But then a smile breaks across my face and I speak confidently. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
On my drive home I feel calm, for possibly the first time since I started pitching my show. Hearing that someone else believes in me completely is just so nice . And my self talk must be working lately because I actually believe Evangeline means what she says. This change will be a lot, but it feels like a next step I’m excited about. A year ago, I would probably have said no. I was having fun podcasting with Finn, hanging out, building the show. But I’m excited to do something totally separate from him, to get out from the shadow of my male cohost. Although I know Evangeline is much more famous than I am, I feel like this will actually feel and be perceived as a collaboration, and there’s a sense of relief in that. In not having to fight for what I deserve every second of the day. I’ll still have the show with Finn, but I like knowing that my entire career isn’t hinging on it. That I’m doing something bigger.
Back at home I change into a bikini and lie on a pool float, staring into nothingness, at the hat that I have thrown over my eyes to hide from the sun. I have four days until I see Finn. And I still don’t know what I want to say. After speaking with Evangeline today, then with Shazia about how the negotiations went down, and reading all the news reports of what Finn has committed to doing with public contracts and money donated, I do think he understands that he fucked up. I believe that he’s sorry. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe I was looking for a red flag. A flaw in the picture that is us. A reason for it not to work.
I love Finn. I feel in my gut that he’s who I’m meant to be with. But at the same time, this whole thing made me so angry! I felt not just betrayed, but humiliated. The past few weeks have heightened every anxiety I’ve had since starting this. Since childhood, really, when I first saw my sisters’ talents and wondered why I wasn’t as special. But even though Finn overlooking the pay discrepancy was the giant problem my anxiety was looking for … I don’t believe it has to be what ends us. We know how to communicate, and it’s time for me to start fighting for our relationship too.