FORTY-TWO
Maeve
Finn reaches out and takes my hand, guiding me to lie on the carpet. Tears are already sneaking out of my eyes. This studio is exactly what I’ve always dreamed of recording in, right down to the furnishings. And what he’s saying … I can tell he really gets it. I don’t expect him to be perfect. But I needed him to be self-aware, and he’s showing me that he is, that we can work together, through all the challenges that will come our way.
We lie down on the carpet, shoulder to shoulder, and when I see the ceiling, I gasp. It’s full of quotes from fans, in their own handwriting. Some are people we interviewed, a few are my family members, but most are people I’ve never heard of.
I came out to my best friend because of Maeve. She helped me realize my sexuality was nothing to be ashamed of. -Carla D.
I left my abusive husband. I didn’t really believe that I could until Maeve laid out the resources available and really hammered home that it wasn’t my fault. Maeve, you changed me and my daughter’s lives. -Gen F.
I didn’t think I would be here today. I never thought I’d live to be twenty, but because of Maeve I found a therapist. You saved my life. -Chris J.
I had my first orgasm after you walked me through how to touch myself. OMG THANK YOU MAEVE. -Jennifer H.
Now I am definitely crying. I’ve always known people liked the show. But we stopped reading most of the messages we got after Paul Myers’s fans started threatening us and Finn had his panic attack, and I forgot how much those kind messages meant. Knowing that I’m doing something for all of these people … it’s incredible.
“I see you. And so do they. You are the most special person,” Finn says quietly. He squeezes my hand and I squeeze back.
I sit up and he joins me, turning so we’re sitting face-to-face on the carpet. “Finn. Thank you. Thank you so much for this. You know how much I’ve worried I don’t deserve this. That I just got lucky, or only got here because of you. Even though, logically, I try to tell myself that’s not true. This … it means so much.”
He opens his mouth to talk, and this time I stop him with a hand on his chest. “And the studio, it’s everything I’ve dreamt of. But first, I need to apologize to you. Because even though I thought I was all in … I wasn’t. I was waiting for the thing that would ruin us. I wasn’t being totally honest with you and that doesn’t make for a good team. I should have talked to you about my anxieties about Cassidy. Even though I am so excited that you’re acting again! I should have been honest about how I was feeling. And told you at the shoot, privately, that it wasn’t the time for you to jump in. I was holding too much in because I was afraid of pushing you away, or that what we had was too fragile to withstand all of my anxieties. Because even though I tell everyone else not to, even though I’ve had years of therapy, deep down I view my anxiety as an imperfection.
“You’ve always loved me for who I am. And I’m sorry I let my anxiety run my brain, making me pull away in fear before giving you the chance to reassure me. I was hurt by the pay-gap exposé. And I listened to all of my worst thoughts and convinced myself that you weren’t actually on my side, that you just acted like it. I know that’s not true. You’ve always seen me, even when I couldn’t see myself. It means everything to know you’re committed to getting it right going forward. I don’t expect you to be perfect or never make another mistake. I just need to know we’re both always trying together.”
“I’m here with you, Maeve, every step.” Finn’s voice is low and earnest. “I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, as a team.”
“Me too,” I say.
I lean forward and press my forehead to Finn’s. He cups my jaw in his palm, so gently, and I tilt my face toward his. Our mouths lock in a kiss, and it feels as charged as our first one. There is a lifetime of promise and possibility in this kiss. I thread my hands through his hair and pull him closer to me.
We topple from sitting to the ground and he kisses me as though he’ll never get enough. It’s passionate, it’s sexy as fuck, but it’s also slow. We don’t need urgency. We have all the time in the world. When he finally pulls away to look at me I can’t stop smiling.
“What?” he says, grinning reflexively in return. His eyes are dark and focused, looking at me in a way no one else ever has.
“I think we’ve finally gotten it right this time.”