9. Lydia
Lydia
I love that Simone always makes her birthdays such a big deal. It’s fun celebrating with her because I feel like her enthusiasm rubs off on me a little.
We’ve already spent most of the morning together, going to breakfast and getting matching pedicures.
After we left the nail salon, I went back home while Tyler took her out for a birthday lunch, and I was supposed to be back at her house to get ready with her before the party, but I haven’t been able to unglue myself from Eli.
“Stay with me,” he playfully whines. “I want to have more alone time with you before the party.”
I take his face in both of my hands as he’s lying on my bed. “Why can’t I resist you?”
He pulls me down on top of him, and I let out an embarrassing laugh. “I would never want you to do such a horrendous thing,” he says.
I laugh at him, and the laughing turns into kissing, the kissing turns into a heated make-out, and the heated make-out turns into exploring each other with our hands until I have to make us stop.
“Okay, okay,” I breathe out, untangling myself from him. “I need to text Simone that I’m gonna be late getting over there to get ready with her.”
“Why don’t you just get ready here, and I’ll drive us over there together?”
It would be easier…and I do just want to stay in this moment with him right now.
I wonder if she’ll be upset if we don’t get ready together? I mean, we’ve spent most of the day together already. Would she really care?
“Let me text her.”
Lydia: Will you be okay if I just come over to Tyler’s for the party instead of your house first? Eli is going to be the DD, so he said he’d drive me over there
Simone: Yeah, it’s okay <3 Tyler’s picking me back up after I get ready, so I’ll be fine. can’t wait to see you. Love you
Lydia: Love you, birthday girl!
I feel Eli’s hands grab me as I put my phone away, and look down to see his devious smile.
“What?”
“Come here.”
He pulls me back down to him and kisses me, wrapping his hands around my waist.
“Okay,” I say, breathless, pulling back from Eli’s mouth. “I have to get ready for real now.”
“Fineee.”
I laugh and walk into the bathroom, then see my reflection in the mirror mid-smile. My cheeks are flushed, and my lips are a little swollen. I barely recognize the girl staring back at me, in a good way.
When I step back out twenty minutes later, I’m wearing a burgundy leather mini dress and matching burgundy knee-high boots.
When Eli looks up to see me, he quickly puts his phone face down on the bed and stands up, walking over to me.
“Wow…you look…too good.”
I put my hands out on his chest when he gets close enough, and smile up at him. “Too good?”
“Yeah,” he says, kissing me. “Kinda jealous other people will get to see you like this.”
I laugh lightly. “Well, it’s a good thing you’ll be with me all night, so everyone will know I’m taken by you.”
He bites his lip. “Yeah, you are.”
He sits down on the edge of my bed and pulls me to sit on his lap.
We start kissing again, not being able to keep our hands off each other, and it builds quickly, turning into something much heavier.
His hands skim my ribs, then move down to my hips, eventually reaching the hem of my dress.
His fingers graze under the tight fabric, moving closer to my thighs.
I’ve never even kissed a boy before Eli, but the way he makes my body feel has me thinking about all the other things we could do together.
I stop his hand before it goes too far and whisper, “I want to…” I say, looking into his eyes. He looks pained. “But not yet.”
“Have you ever…done anything more than kiss someone before Lydia?” he asks me, voice so low it sends a shiver down my spine.
I shake my head. “No. You were actually my first kiss.”
He pulls back, a little surprised. “Really?”
I nod. “Yeah, I know. It’s a little embarrassing.”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not embarrassing. It kinda makes you hotter to me. Knowing I’m the first.”
I smile at him and wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m just not…ready to go all the way yet.”
“I’m not trying to rush you, Lydia. But I hope when you’re ready, it’s me that gets that part of you, too.”
“It won’t be your first, though,” I say, trying to gauge just how much experience he actually has. We haven’t had that talk, and I don’t know if I really want to know how many girls he’s been with or who they are. I’ll just start obsessing over all the ways they’re probably better than me.
“No,” he tells me. “But having your first still means a lot to me. That’s special, Lydia.”
I hate thinking about him having sex with other girls. It makes me feel this feeling I’ve never felt before. Jealousy? No, that seems so little for the feeling it gives me, actually. I want him to only think about wanting to be with me. Not about anyone else he’s been with before.
“Do you still think about anyone you’ve been with in the past?” I ask nervously.
“I’m only thinking about you, Lydia.”
* * *
The party is already in full swing when we pull up.
Tyler’s house is on the West Side of Charlotte.
It’s not big or flashy, but it’s alive and inviting.
There’s music playing loudly from inside, lights flashing through the windows, and a group of kids standing around and laughing near the porch, half-drunk already.
Eli finds a place to park on the street and looks around, assessing the place.
“I know these people aren’t rich and flashy like you’re used to, but…”
Eli looks over to me. “I don’t care about that, Lydia. Honestly, I prefer not being around stuck-up rich kids all the time.”
I love that he’s different from a lot of the kids at our school. He doesn’t judge like they do, doesn’t make people like me feel less than him.
We walk in hand-in-hand, and I immediately spot Simone near the kitchen with Tyler. Her eyes light up when she sees me.
“Hey, birthday girl!” I say, hugging her tight.
“Hey! You’re here!” she squeals, pulling back to scan my outfit. “Damn, Lyd. You look good.”
“Thanks,” I tell her, smiling.
Tyler gives Eli a casual bro-nod. “What’s up, man?”
They start talking about football or something else I don’t care about, so Simone and I drift toward the drinks. Harper and Katie show up not long after, squealing and hugging Simone with their usual flair.
When we finally step away from the noise, I hand Simone a small gift box. “Sarah helped me get it. She insisted on me getting something that wasn’t homemade this year for you.”
Simone laughs. “I’ve always loved your homemade gifts.”
She opens it up, and her mouth drops open. “Oh my gosh!”
She holds up the necklace. It’s a pink heart pendant with an S initial carved into it that has a key attached to it.
“It’s a key to a journal,” I tell her, handing her a rectangular package to open as well.
“How freaking cute! I love this!”
We hug, and she unclasps it, placing it near her neck, and turning around so I can put it on her.
“I’m never taking it off,” she tells me, and it makes me smile.
“It looks perfect on you,” I tell her.
Katie and Harper both give her their gifts while we’re still alone, and then we head back out into the party.
We’re all sipping on our drinks and laughing when the boys walk over to us. Eli wraps a hand around my waist, and I lean into his touch.
“You know my best friend John?” he asks, leaning down to my ear.
I nod.
“He was bored at home tonight, so I told him to come by. That okay?”
“Of course.”
“I’m gonna head out front to smoke while I wait for him.”
“Okay,” I say.
He kisses me once before disappearing again.
Time blurs a little. The drinks seem to hit me harder than I expected.
I was pretty buzzed, pretty quickly. Warmth filled my chest, and my legs were lighter than usual, but I was enjoying it.
I danced with the girls, screamed lyrics into the air, and for the first time in a while, I realized how good I had been feeling…
how the darkness hadn’t crept in much lately, and I was grateful for that.
Grateful for the distraction Eli has become from that darkness, grateful for how happy he makes me.
When Eli came back in with John, the two of them walked into the room like they owned it. Something about their energy always screamed confidence, something I’ve always been jealous of not having.
Eli found me and pulled me away from the girls and into him. “I’d rather have you dancing on me,” he murmurs into my ear.
I giggle, already tipsy, and let my body sway against his. His hands felt firm on my hips, his cologne wrapped around me like a warm blanket, and when his mouth found mine, I completely melted into him.
I spot Katie as I’m still dancing with Eli, who is now cuddled up with John on a couch.
She kept looking over at us between making out with John.
Her expression was kinda strange and unreadable, like she was waiting for someone to be watching her all over him.
I smiled at her and gave her a ‘you go girl’ nod before she turned back to John, and I turned back to Eli.
Katie and Harper were pretty open about being boy crazy, so I was used to them picking new guys almost every week to attach themselves to.
I didn’t really understand the appeal, though.
I loved having one guy’s attention. I don’t want Eli to be temporary.
He makes me feel too good. But still, I never judge them.
After dancing for a while and drinking a little more, Eli whispers to me that it’s time to go. “You’re getting pretty drunk. Let’s get you home.”
I nod and let him guide me out of the house. I see Simone as we’re leaving and give her a hug before heading out and getting into the car with Eli.
The car ride was quiet at first. But as we cruised down the road, mostly silent other than the music playing quietly in the car, the alcohol quickly turned my happiness into sadness again.
My mind was alone, with no distractions, and running wild with thoughts.
This is why I don’t like to drink much. I can’t control the bad thoughts when I drink too much.
They take over and suffocate my brain, making me fixate on them.
Sometimes drinking helped me forget, and other times, it shoves all the memories forward, forcing them to scream at me until I can’t hear anything else.
“You okay?” Eli asks, studying me.
I fidget with my fingers, trying to calm my brain. “Yeah.”
“Lydia? Talk to me.”
“It’s just…when I drink…” I start, trying to get the courage to speak. “Sometimes I get in my head too much, stuck with these looping thoughts…”
He reaches over and grabs my hand while keeping the other one on the wheel. “What thoughts?”
I look over at him, hesitating. He barely knows anything about me. I wonder if it would be too much for him. But the overwhelming thoughts force their way out anyway, trying to escape as if that will make it quiet again by just saying them. “You don’t know a lot about me…about…my life…”
He squeezes my hand once in reassurance. “I want to, Lyd.”
It all spills out, emotional and heavy, not even to or for him, really, but for myself.
“You know that I’m in foster care…and I told you both of my parents died…
but I never told you how…how I watched them die…
how they were arguing while my dad was driving.
He was high on drugs and hitting my mom.
We ran a red light and wrecked, and I watched them both lying on the ground, dead.
That image from when I was eight is still burned into my brain.
I still have nightmares reliving it…and sometimes in the dreams… I die too…”
I hear Eli exhale, and then he pulls the car over on the side of the road. He fully turns to me and brushes a hand over my cheek, wiping away the tears that are falling down my face.
“I’m sorry…I…I really can’t imagine that pain…I hate that you went through that…I hate that I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay, you couldn’t have known, not many people do…”
He leans over and kisses my cheek, kissing the tears away. “I hate seeing you cry,” he whispers.
I sniffle back the tears. “Everything only got worse after they died…”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I nod. “It feels good getting it out,” I admit.
He’s silent…letting me talk whenever I’m ready.
“My sister, Camilla, and I…we bounced around from foster home to foster home for years after that.”
“You have a sister? I didn’t know that.”
“I had a sister…”
Eli’s face drops, understanding. He takes my hands again and just holds them tight.
“I came home one morning from spending the night over at Simone’s…and found her overdosed in our bed.”
My body starts to tremble with the grief. “I still…feel guilty that I wasn’t there.”
I feel Eli place his hands on my arms, trying to comfort me.
“Geez, Lydia…I’m so sorry.”
I can’t say anything back. I can’t speak. The grief is choking me. I’m so tired of it creeping up on me like this, pulling me under whenever it wants. I was doing so well.
Eli pulls me across the center console and wraps me in a hug, not saying anything, just sitting in the grief with me, doing his best to understand and be there for me.
I’ve never been this open with anyone other than Simone. It feels…freeing to let him in—like he’s supposed to be there.