12. Lydia
Lydia
Waking up this morning, all I felt was dread. And I didn’t understand why until the memories from last night all came flooding back at once, hitting me right in the chest. When I turned my head and reached for my phone, just to realize it was dead, my stomach dropped even more.
I’m scared to see Eli today at school, knowing he’s probably still upset with me. I hate when he’s angry like this. I just want everything to go back to normal with us and act like yesterday never happened.
I knew I’d probably drive myself to school this morning since I hadn’t talked to Eli, and honestly, I wanted to drive myself. I needed to prepare myself to see him and talk to him after last night.
As soon as I step out of my car, my eyes find him across the parking lot, leaning against his car.
He’s talking to John, and his expression is pretty neutral, almost happy…
until he spots me. He instantly straightens and then says something to John before he pushes off his car, walking straight towards me.
My heart is beating fast, and I try to slow my breathing down.
I hate this feeling, and I just want to fix things with him so it’ll go away.
“Hey,” Eli says quietly as he reaches me, his eyes scanning mine cautiously. “We need to talk.”
I shift, pulling my backpack up on my shoulder nervously. “Yeah, okay.”
He nods in the direction of the football field. “Come on.”
The tension feels thick between us as we walk towards the bleachers, neither one of us speaking. I don’t know what to say to make any of this better, and my head is spinning from all the thoughts and feelings I’m having about what happened.
When we reach some privacy behind the bleachers, Eli abruptly turns to face me, grabbing my upper arm tightly.
“Ow!” I jerk my arm away, wincing as I rub the tender spot where his fingers had dug in.
Eli’s face shifts quickly, panic filling his eyes. “Shit—I didn’t mean to grab you that hard, Lydia. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I say in almost a whisper, avoiding his gaze.
He runs his hand through his hair, visibly frustrated and on edge. “Are you breaking up with me?”
I stare at him, confused. “What? No, Eli. Why would you think that?”
He watches me for a moment, trying to gauge the situation, then he gets a little more agitated. “Then why’d you ignore me all night? And why didn’t you ride with me this morning?”
I look down, embarrassed. “I started having a panic attack last night. It got bad…I took a Xanax and fell asleep. I swear I wasn’t ignoring you.”
He tilts his head slightly, like he’s concerned, but also suspicious. “You take drugs now?”
I quickly look back up at him, baffled. “What? No, it’s a prescription from my doctor for my anxiety.”
“How often do you take that? Why have you never told me?”
I scrunch my face up at him in confusion, becoming a little annoyed. “I barely ever take them. Only when I have bad panic attacks.”
“And you were having a panic attack because of me? Because of our fight?”
I nod.
His shoulders drop, and guilt is written all over his face now. “Look—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so angry yesterday. It’s just—the thought of you with someone else makes me kinda lose it.”
I step closer, desperately wanting to reassure him. “There isn’t anyone else. It’s just you. Always. You never have to worry about that.”
He searches my face, looking for any lie behind that statement. “You sure?”
“Yes. Completely sure.”
He finally relaxes some and reaches his hand out to cup my face. “Are we okay now?”
“I want us to be,” I whisper. “I don’t want to fight like that, Eli. I hate it.”
“Me too,” he says, softer now, pulling me closer and kissing my cheek.
My heart finally feels calmer now, feeling like we’re okay, we’re good, everything is back to normal.
He pulls back, looking into my eyes. “I love you, Lydia.”
“I love you too.”
We walk back into the school, holding hands, stopping at my locker near my first-period class.
He kisses me again, softer this time. “See you after school.”
“See you,” I echo quietly, watching him walk away.
Katie rounds the corner, and I watch as her eyes lock onto Eli.
It looked like she smiled at him, but I couldn’t see his face, so I don’t know if he even saw her.
With how much he doesn’t like her, I doubt he was paying attention to her.
When he disappears out of sight, and I turn back to my locker, closing it.
Katie walks up, placing her back against the lockers beside mine. “Hey. You still coming to the party tonight?”
I relax a bit, glad she doesn’t seem upset with me anymore. “Yeah, we’ll be there.”
The rest of the day ends up dragging, each minute feeling like an eternity being in this place.
Finally, when the last bell rang, and all the students flooded the hallway, Eli finds me, slipping an arm around my shoulder and walking me out to the parking lot.
He dapped up a few guys on the way out, and they always gave me a polite smile and said hey.
It was never the guys at this school who were the problem.
It’s always the girls who constantly say things under their breath or spread rumors about me.
When we get to Eli’s car, he leans back against it and pulls me into him. His body feels so perfect under mine, strong, muscular, like it always knows how to take care of me.
“You sure we’re good?” he asks again, searching my face.
“Yes,” I assure him, meaning it.
He tilts my chin up, kissing my lips again, deeper this time. Our kiss only broke when one of the guys yelled out, “Get a room!”
Eli flipped them off playfully, making me laugh. “I’m heading to Simone’s to get some homework done before we get ready for tonight. Is that okay with you?”
He nods, his eyes softer now. “See you tonight, baby.”
* * *
I tried to stay in the happy bubble I just got back, but that’s not always easy for someone like me.
The thoughts take hold in my brain and never let me have peace when they want to be heard.
I don’t know why, but when I have bad panic attacks, sometimes it triggers me back into this spiral for days or even weeks where my brain doesn’t shut off, and my nervous system feels fried.
It feels like I’m being chased by a lion all day, and I’m scared for my life, but there’s no real danger around. My brain just thinks there is.
Imagine you were in a car and you were about to wreck really badly—that feeling of pure fear and panic that would wash over you; that’s what I feel all day.
Simone can always tell when I’m retreating into these moods. It’s like she has spidey senses when it comes to my brain freaking out.
“What’s going on? You’re really quiet today.”
Simone has always been my safe space. She’s never judged how I dealt with things, or grieved, or has ever been scared off by my darkest days.
I slowly open up, telling her about the fight I had with Eli.
The only thing I leave out is the way he grabbed me under the bleachers this morning.
I still don’t know what to think about that, so I don’t want her to judge him for it.
I watched as her expression switched back and forth from concern to a frown while listening. “I don’t know, Lydia. That doesn’t seem normal.”
I instantly feel defensive and want to take back what I said. I don’t want people to think badly about him, especially my best friend.
“He was just a little jealous, but we worked through it. I just don’t like him thinking I would ever do something like that to him. I don’t want anyone ever thinking I’m that kind of person.”
She hesitates and then nods. “Just…make sure you talk through things clearly, okay? Communication is really important. It avoids stuff like that, you know? You don’t want it getting worse.”
I nod quickly, wanting to change the subject.
Harper FaceTimed us, offering a ride to the party, and we told her that would be perfect. That Eli could take me home after, and Tyler would take Simone home.
I text Eli, letting him know the plan, and he responds pretty quickly.
Eli: Of course you have to ride with them
Ignoring the jab, I text back playfully about spending the night at his place after. He softened then, agreeing.
At the party, I spot Eli immediately, standing with John and Tyler, talking to them.
There was a girl nearby who was laughing loudly and touching Eli’s arm in a very obvious flirting way.
My stomach twisted, jealousy flaring up in all the worst ways, but then I watched as he pulled away from her touch, and it made me feel good to know he didn’t want her touching him, even when he didn’t know I was around.
He finally looks up and sees me, then nods his head for us to come over.
He pulls me into a hug once I reach him and whispers, “Hey.”
I look up at him and smile. “Hey.”
We stand there for a while, talking to everyone, making jokes, drinking, and laughing.
Eli rested his chin on my head while I stood in front of him, my back leaning against his chest. Eventually, everyone kind of disperses little by little, and I stay there talking to Eli for a bit, sipping on whatever punch that was made that is entirely too strong.
“I’m gonna go find John and grab a smoke outside,” Eli tells me as Simone walks back over to grab me.
“Okay, I’m gonna stay with Simone and find the girls.”
As I was laughing and dancing with Simone, Tyler walked up and asked if he could steal his girlfriend for a dance.
I said yes and saluted them, then I just stayed there dancing while Simone became wrapped up with Tyler.
I felt hands on me from behind and laughed a little.
I leaned into his touch, grinding against him.
“What’s your name?”
The second I hear the voice, I tense up. I turn around quickly, and I don’t even know the boy who was touching me.
“I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend.”
He looks at me, confused, but still smiles. “You weren’t dancing on me like you had a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, cause I thought you were him…sorry.”
“Whatever,” he says as he walks away.