15. Lydia
Lydia
It’s a normal Tuesday morning. The cool wind is blowing through the open window in my car, and I’m sitting with my leg propped up on the seat as I drive.
The volume of the radio is up so high I can barely hear myself think, which I prefer.
“S.L.U.T.” by Bea Miller is playing, and I’m still half asleep as I pull into the student parking lot.
I’m suddenly wide awake now when I see a small group of students all standing around Eli’s car. Confused, I quickly park, grab my bag, and step out to figure out what’s going on. When I get close enough, I see why they are there, and gasp quietly.
Spray-painted on Eli’s car, and across his friends’ cars, are huge, brightly painted letters that say: “LYDIA, PROM?”
I stand there frozen, embarrassed, and also a little giddy.
“Oh my gosh…” I whisper, and try to keep my smile under control as Eli moves through the small crowd toward me.
He has a bunch of pink roses in his hands, which he knows are my favorite.
His face is red, and there’s a cute boyish grin forming on his lips.
“Morning, beautiful,” he says quietly, searching my eyes hopefully. “So…what do you say?”
I chuckle softly and cover my mouth with my hand, trying to hide how happy I am. “Yes,” I say breathlessly, stepping closer. “Of course.”
Eli puts his arm around my waist and pulls me in for a kiss, right there, in front of everyone. Everything else fades away—the whispers, the stares, the heavy weight I’ve been carrying around lately. It’s just us, and it all feels so right again.
* * *
That feeling’s short-lived only until lunchtime, though. It’s quickly ruined by the worst kind of person to ever exist—a mean, sad bitch.
All the normal voices that I’m used to surround me, talking and whispering about me. Usually I can tune them out, but today, one voice cuts through everything else being said. “God, I don’t get why Eli made such a big deal out of asking her. It’s honestly embarrassing.”
My head snaps up, and my pulse quickly picks up. Mary—with her perfectly straightened blonde hair and perfectly cruel smile—meets my eyes without hesitation.
“Excuse me?” I say sharply, anger crawling up my spine. It’s anger I’ve been trying to keep down for so long at this school. I just—I have this rage in me…something that hasn’t had anywhere to go in so long. Today, I finally see an outlet for it, and I can’t stop.
Mary smiles. “It’s embarrassing,” she says, emphasizing it this time. “I mean, we all know he’s only with you because he feels sorry for you. Nobody thinks that he actually loves the freak of the school. That’s probably why he talks to other girls behind your back too.”
The words make every insecurity I have light up.
My voice shakes with the rage burning inside me. “What did you just say?”
She tilts her head at me mockingly. “Face it, Lydia. You’re not special like you think you are just because you’re dating someone like Eli. He’s just too sweet and doesn’t have the heart to break up with your weird ass yet.”
“Shut the fuck up!” I yell, tired of these girls making me feel so powerless around here.
“Make me,” she taunts.
Something snaps inside me. I don’t even realize I’m moving until I’m lunging across one of the tables in front of me, grabbing at Mary’s perfectly styled hair.
I’m pissed, and the anger is only growing hotter as I finally get my hands on her.
She shrieks, hands flailing as we tumble backward, chairs crashing to the floor.
“Get off me, you psycho bitch!” she screams, pulling at my wrist, trying to stop me.
“Shut up!” I shout back, barely hearing myself as I grip her tighter.
I keep punching her until I feel arms wrap around my waist, pulling me backward, away from her.
I struggle, desperate to break free and keep going, because I have so much anger and pain inside me still that I want to get out, that I want her to feel.
“Lydia! Lydia, stop!” John’s voice is in my ear, stern and desperate. “Calm down. You gotta calm down.”
I shove him off me, stumbling backward and still trying to catch my breath. “Don’t touch me,” I hiss.
Just then, Eli bursts through the crowd, eyes wide with panic. “Lydia!” He pushes through people, grabbing hold of me protectively. “Everyone get the fuck back!”
Mary pushes herself up from the floor, face red, mascara and makeup all smudged now. “You need to get that bitch under control, Eli!”
The anger surges again, and I struggle in Eli’s hold. “Fuck you!” I scream at her.
“Lydia,” Eli snaps, voice strained as he tightens his grip on me. “Come on, baby, just calm down.”
Before I can respond, teachers flood the room, demanding explanations and pulling me toward the principal’s office. Eli tries to follow, worried for me, but they wave him away, telling him to get back to class before he gets suspended too, and kicked off the football team.
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “Just go to class. I’ll see you after school.”
* * *
In the principal’s office, Mary somehow gets off with only a slap on the wrist, perfectly playing the victim card. She walks out unpunished with a smug look on her face.
I get suspended, now having a black mark on my record that Sarah simply accepts in the principal’s office. She walks silently beside me as we leave the school.
“What’s going on with you, Lydia?” she finally asks once we’re outside. “This isn’t like you.”
I look away, feeling small and kinda embarrassed all of a sudden, like I’m a disappointment in her eyes. “They’re always talking about me. It never stops.”
Her face drops, and the look she gives me is full of pity.
I hate pity.
She sighs, stopping and looking at me seriously. “You should be telling someone when these things happen. And maybe…maybe it would help to talk to someone…professionally. You’ve had to deal with a lot in your life. I just think—”
Eli’s words ring in my mind—how pointless therapy is, how weird it is to tell a stranger about your problems.
I shake my head. “No. I—I don’t wanna talk to a therapist, Sarah. I just wanna go home, keep my head down, and finish out the school year. I’m so close to finishing. I just want it to all be over. Everything will be better after.”
She nods slowly, but I can tell she’s still concerned. “Okay, honey. I won’t push it. But if you ever think it would help…I have some connections and could find you someone who understands your situation.”
I laugh on the inside. How ridiculous is that? Who could possibly understand everything that’s been thrown my way? The shitty cards I’ve been dealt in life. One after the other…stacked up like a house of cards, waiting for that final blow that’ll knock it all down.
“Thank you,” is all I say.
“I have to go back to work, but I’ll see you back at home tonight, okay?”
I nod and then walk over to my car. When I get in, I let all the anger and hurt spill out in the quiet comfort of being alone. I punch the wheel with all the anger I have inside me.
“Where are you when I need you, Camilla? I’ve needed you for so long, and you aren’t there! You just…left me! I hate you for leaving me!”
The tears make it impossible to see in front of me.
I sink down in my seat and throw my head back on the seat.
I just want to drown in it all. I’m so tired of feeling like this.
Feeling angry, and scared, and numb…so…numb.
What would it feel like to just float away like she did?
To leave this world. Is it less cruel where you go after? Or is there just as much pain there?
“Are you still hurting?” I ask nobody…but she knows I’m talking to her. I’m always talking to her.
“I just want it to stop hurting. I want the voices to shut up. I want to be loved in a way that doesn’t hurt.”
I stay there for a while, just sitting in my thoughts before I pull myself together enough to drive home.
When Simone calls after school, I’m curled in bed, fighting back more tears. “Harper texted and told me you got into a fight,” she says worriedly. “Are you okay? What happened?”
I tell her everything, the words tumbling out fast and full of heightened emotions.
Simone sighs deeply. “God, Lydia, I wish I was there. I hate not being able to protect you from this stuff.”
I swallow hard, clinging to the one thought that I keep going back to. “I can’t wait until we move away for college. Do you think things will be easier then?”
“I do,” Simone whispers. “Just hang in there. We’ll get out of this.”
Eli shows up not long after I get off the phone with Simone. He doesn’t say much, just holds me. But when I feel his touch, the flood of insecurities hit me, filling my mind with questions and doubts.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
I whisper, forcing the words past my lips. “Eli…do you really love me? Or do you just feel bad for the weird girl who might spiral if you break up with her?”
Confusion and a little hurt flash over his expression. “Why would you say that?”
I finally tell him what Mary said—minus the part about him talking to other girls—and he shakes his head, cupping my face.
“That’s ridiculous. I love you, Lydia. You’re everything to me. I hate girls like her, just sad and jealous. She doesn’t understand us. She doesn’t understand you’re it for me.”
His kisses silence my doubts, at least momentarily. I let myself give in to the passion, needing desperately to prove that I’m enough, to erase any lingering insecurity in both of us.
Sex has become this tool of validation that feels like it works less and less every time.
After he rolls off of me, panting, and throws away the used condom, he pulls me close, whispering softly against my neck, “You’re the best I’ve ever had, you know that?”
Warmth floods me, soothing the ache, pushing away the darkness a little.
We stay curled together for the rest of the night, watching movies and just talking.
In this little bubble, nothing hurts, and nothing’s wrong…