18. Lydia
Lydia
I’m officially back at school and back with Eli…both of which terrify me.
Being ‘back together’ feels like this fragile thing, full of constant apologies and the fear of letting each other go. It used to feel good to know Eli was mine, but now something about it feels wrong, like I’m forcing the wrong key in a lock, desperately trying to make the door open.
I know I love him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before.
I just wish this love didn’t come with so much pain.
I wish I could erase all the mistakes and go back to loving him in that pure, untainted way like I did in the beginning.
I still hold on to those feelings, to the boy who was so intoxicating to be around, who I craved the presence of, like I craved to breathe.
He’s still in there. He still shows up…like today, when I opened up my locker and a folded-up piece of paper fell out. It was a handwritten letter from him.
Lydia,
When it comes to you, nothing feels big enough. Not the words. Not the feelings. Not the way my chest gets tight just thinking about you, even when you’re not around.
You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Hands down. Nothing else even comes close.
I know I haven’t always been the perfect boyfriend, but not once, not for a single second, have I ever stopped loving you.
I love you in ways I didn’t know were possible.
In ways that scare me. In ways that feel like fire and oxygen at the same time.
You’re it for me, Lydia. You’ve always been it.
You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. Not just on the outside, but on the inside too, in the way you care so deeply, in the way you love people even when they don’t always deserve it, the way you fight for the people you care about. All of those things make you perfect in my eyes.
I look at you and see my whole future.
You make me feel like I can become someone worth loving back. I swear, no matter what it takes, I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure you know just how lucky I am that you chose me. That you still choose me.
I can’t help the wave of happiness that takes over while reading his words, wanting them all to be true.
I know his love for me is genuine; he’s just still learning how to show it in the right ways.
He’s the one I’ve given everything to, given myself to.
He’s still my best friend, and I don’t want to start over with anyone else.
It feels like the only way to move forward and get back to where we should be is to try to let go of the past. But how am I supposed to do that when the past is still haunting me everywhere I go?
When I walk into the bathroom at school, I run straight into just that—into a group of girls standing at the sinks, all staring at me.
I quickly go into one of the stalls, wanting to avoid any interactions with them, but I don’t even get the door fully closed and locked before I hear someone else walk in and the girls telling whoever it is to come over to them.
“Hey, Harper?” I hear one of them start to say, and my heart sinks, wondering if Katie is with her too.
The girl purposely speaks a little louder when she asks her, “Didn’t you say that Katie isn’t friends with Lydia anymore because she was sleeping with Eli?”
I listen as Harper chokes out a ‘what?’
“No!” she sputters. “I never said that. Where did you hear that? He never cheated on her.”
I feel momentarily relieved to know she still wants to push back against the rumors, but it’s short-lived when I hear another girl chime in.
“I heard she was the one cheating on him. That she had sex with John.”
Harper scoffs. “Now I know that’s not true. John never slept with Lydia, and I don’t think Lydia has ever even talked to another guy while she’s been with Eli. She’s too in love with him.”
The other girls all laugh like what she said was funny. “Well, I wouldn’t blame him if he did cheat on her. I don’t know what he sees in her anyway.”
“I really don’t see the point in y’all always talking about them,” Harper says. “Their relationship isn’t really your business. Plus, Lydia has a lot going on…like mentally. It’s not like she always thinks clearly when it comes to Eli.”
Really?
The tears start to sting at the back of my eyes, but I hold them in, still leaning on the door in front of me.
“See? Even her friends think she’s crazy.”
“He probably just feels too bad for her to leave her.”
“She looks like she’d try to kill herself if he broke up with her.”
“I wonder how easily I could get Eli to hook up with me while he’s with her.”
Harper cuts in sharply. “I think you guys need to stop talking about them. I don’t know why everyone is so obsessed with their relationship in the first place.”
“Whatever. Don’t start being weird like her. She must be rubbing off on you or something.”
I hear the girl tell her friends to come on, and they all leave the bathroom together. I slowly open the door to walk out and stop when I see Harper still standing there at the sink. She catches sight of me in the mirror and quickly turns around.
“Lydia—”
I shake my head, still trying to force back the tears, but they’re doing a damn good job at forcing their way out.
“Really, Harper? That’s how you think about me?”
“I tried—I tried to tell them to stop.”
“Barely, Harper! You basically gave them more reasons to talk about me.”
She starts to stutter, trying to explain. “I-I didn’t—I was just—”
“It is what it is, Harper,” I tell her through tears. “You already picked your side anyway. I haven’t heard from you in how long now? Not once since prom night…” I look at her in the face, the hurt starting to show in my expression. “Not once…I thought we were friends.”
“We were—are—”
“No…we’re not, Harper. Not anymore.”
Her worry slowly shifts into annoyance. “Whatever, Lydia. Keep playing the victim. It really does fit you perfectly.”
I narrow my eyes at her, the anger that’s always hidden under the surface fighting to come up. “Fuck you, Harper.”
“Yeah? Fuck you too, Lydia. And by the way…I always thought you were too good for Eli…but I guess you two are actually perfect for each other. You deserve however he ends up treating you.”
I can’t even respond back before she’s walking out of the bathroom. I walk over and grab the sides of the sink, looking up at my tear-streaked face in the mirror.
How did I get here? How do I keep ending up in these situations? Why am I so fucking unlikable?
Another girl walks into the bathroom, and when she looks up at me, concern is written all over her face. I don’t recognize her, and I don’t understand the pity in her expression, but I know I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from anyone anymore. I’m so sick of feeling this way.
I quickly wipe the tears from my face and rush out of the bathroom, wanting to be anywhere but here.
I barrel down the hallway, too wrapped up in my own thoughts to notice what’s in front of me—until I collide with someone.
Their hands grip my arms, steadying me. When I look up, I see Eli.
He looks confused and then looks around like he’s trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and who made me cry.
“Are you okay?”
I can’t speak. I just shake my head no, and he pulls me into a hug, holding on to me as the wave of emotions hit me again.
“Come on,” he whispers. “Let’s get out of here.”
He keeps me close and guides me outside of the school to the parking lot. I try to ignore all the stares we’re getting and just cling to his comfort. Once we reach his car, he unlocks it and opens the passenger side door.
“Next period is about to start,” I tell him.
“We’re skipping,” he says, nodding for me to get in.
“Why?”
“Because we need to get away from this place for a little, away from these people.”
“But…you don’t even know what happened?”
His face and voice both soften. “You can tell me over ice cream, then. I heard Jeni’s has the power to fix all the problems in the world.”
I let out a small laugh and nod. “Okay.”
* * *
The smell of sugary ice cream and fresh waffle cones makes it pretty hard to stay in the sad thoughts. It’s like the scent was curated to pull you out of your head and remind you that joy still exists.
After sitting down at one of the tables outside, we just eat our ice cream in silence for a few minutes before Eli finally speaks.
“What happened?” he asks softly.
I try to keep the emotions at bay so I can talk about it without getting choked up.
“A few girls were talking about us…“ I shrug. “The same as always, I guess…but then Harper came in, and they started talking to her about me. She didn’t know I was there, and when it was just me and her…I guess we finally kind of said our piece to each other.”
“Was it bad?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Eli reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “They’ve never been your real friends. I tried to tell you.”
I hum in agreement and look off into the distance.
He squeezes my hand, bringing my attention back to him. “You’ve got me, though. I’m not going anywhere.”
My phone buzzes beside me, but I ignore it. I let out a small, bitter laugh. “Yeah? What about next year…when I’m stuck here alone after you graduate?”
“It might be better for you once I’m gone. You can just keep your head down, finish the year out, and then it’ll just be us again. The world will be ours outside of a school. We’ll finally be adults and have the freedom to do what we want. Start our lives together.”
“What happens when you go to college, and you meet all these new college girls that have a lot more to offer than me?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing is going to happen. I told you, Lydia. You’re it. I’m gonna marry you one day.”
I freeze at those words.
Marry. He wants to…marry me. Do I wanna get married? Would I want to marry Eli?
I look up at him over my ice cream. “Really? You’d wanna marry me?”
“Of course. There’s nobody else I wanna be with.”
Those words are supposed to feel good, feel reassuring. So why do they feel so…empty?
My phone buzzes again.
“Who’s blowing you up?” Eli asks, slightly annoyed.
I flip my phone over to look at the screen. “It’s just Simone. I—I’ve kinda been a little distant with her lately.”
“Why? What’d she do?”
“Nothing. I just don’t always like to feel judged about my problems. I know she’s coming from a caring place, but—”
“What all do you tell her…about us?”
I look up at him, a little confused. “I mean, she’s my best friend. I basically tell her everything.”
“Yeah, well, I’m your boyfriend. We’re in a relationship. Those things should stay between us. You’re just going to make me look like a bad guy if you run and tell people about every little fight or problem we’re having.”
“I’m not trying to make you look like anything.”
“But that’s what happens. They don’t understand our relationship, so we don’t need their judgment about it either, and you don’t need her getting in your head.”
“Okay,” I tell him quietly.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
It’s quiet for a moment before Eli speaks again. “So…my mom is forcing me to go on this beach trip over the long weekend that’s coming up with her and her new boyfriend. To spend time together or whatever before graduation.”
“Really? That sounds…awkward.”
“Yeah…“ he says. “But I was thinking…I want you to come with me. I mean, it could be good for us, and I really don’t wanna be alone with them all weekend. I also hate the thought of being away from you.”
“You want me to come on an overnight trip with you?”
He nods. “Yeah, we could even have our own room. It would be perfect.”
A trip sounds so nice. Getting away from everything here for a couple of days sounds nice. Maybe it’s exactly what we need.
“I think that would be fun,” I tell him, starting to smile.