17. Lydia
Lydia
I tried to go back to my normal life—before Eli. But I don’t know how to do that.
I haven’t been back to school since prom, not wanting to face him.
Sarah has thankfully found a way to get me the schoolwork I needed so I don’t fall behind, and I’ve actually asked her about homeschooling, but she doesn’t think isolating myself would be healthy in the long run; that I should take what time I need and then, when I’m ready, go back to school.
To be fair, I didn’t tell her what really happened, just that school was getting hard, and I didn’t want to be around the people there.
I started taking my antidepressants again just to get through the day, but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I want it to shut off the thoughts and feelings, but they’re still there, just distant and foggy.
Eli still texts me every day, and I don’t know how to handle it. I love him so much, but I feel so hurt and broken by him now. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if it can be fixed.
(Sunday)
Eli: Lydia are you really breaking up with me?
Lydia: Yes. You hurt me. You keep hurting me and I can’t do this
Eli: I love you, please don’t do this
Lydia: I didn’t do this, you did
Eli: And I’m sorry, I want to make it right
Eli: Please give me the chance to fix it
Eli: I should have never responded to those messages, but I promise I never cheated on you
(Monday)
Eli: Why aren’t you at school? I want to see you and talk to you
Lydia: I can’t right now
Eli: When are you coming back?
Lydia: I don’t know yet
(Tuesday)
Eli: I love you
Lydia: I love you too, but people you love aren’t supposed to hurt you like this
Eli: I’m sorry. Just tell me what to do to fix this
Lydia: I don’t know if it can be fixed
Eli: I’ll do anything, please
Lydia: Did you ever sleep with another girl while we were dating?
Eli: What? No! I never touched anyone while we were dating
Lydia: It’s hard to trust you right now
Eli: I know, and I want to fix that
(Wednesday)
Eli: I miss you. When are you coming back to school?
Lydia: I don’t know
Eli: Can I come over and see you?
Lydia: I don’t think that’s a good idea right now
Eli: I need you Lydia
(Thursday)
Eli: Are you really just never coming back to school?
Lydia: I have to eventually
Eli: When?
Lydia: I don’t know yet
Eli: Are we really over?
Lydia: For right now, yes
Eli: I want to work through this. I love you
(Friday)
Silence…
I haven’t gotten a single text from Eli all day.
It isn’t until late after dinner that I get a call from him.
I reluctantly answer. “Hello?”
“Lydia…I really want to see you. I’m outside your house. Can you please come out and talk to me?”
The anxiety rises quickly. I wasn’t prepared to see him right now, to talk to him, to face all of this yet. When I look out my bedroom window, I see him with the phone to his ear, pacing near his car.
He came all this way to see me. That has to mean something, right? I know he still cares and wants to work this out. I just don’t know how to trust him yet.
“Lydia?” he asks when I’m silent.
“Um, yeah, sure. I’ll come out. Give me a minute.”
I throw a hoodie on over my tank top and slowly make my way downstairs, fingers trembling as I open the front door. My heart is racing, unsure whether to run toward him right now or run away.
Eli’s standing there, still pacing, looking up at the porch as I walk out. His eyes soften the moment they land on mine.
“Hi,” he says quietly.
“Hi,” I reply, just as softly.
For a moment, we just stand there, and I fold my arms over my chest, not because I’m cold, but because it feels like I need to protect something inside myself, like I need to keep a barrier between us right now so I don’t reach for him.
“I didn’t know if you’d actually come out,” he admits.
I keep my eyes down on the ground, afraid to look him in the eyes. “I thought about saying no.”
He lets out a resigned sigh and nods. “I deserve that.”
I finally look up at him. “What did you wanna talk about?”
He takes a careful step toward me, and I take one step back. He stops, taking the hint.
“I just…wanted to see you face to face. I know I’ve said I’m sorry a million times over the phone, but I just…need you to see that I mean it.”
I keep my arms folded, more to hold myself together now than to keep him away. I’m just quietly trying to process my thoughts with all of this.
“Why did you do it?” I ask, barely getting the question out.
“I don’t know, Lyd. It was stupid. I was feeling insecure about you and about us…and I just thought…if I did what I thought you were doing, in a way…we would be even. I wouldn’t look as stupid.”
I glare at him in complete shock. “Are you serious? You still think that I’ve talked to other guys behind your back? How many times are we going to have that argument?”
He reaches for me, and I move back again.
“No, I don’t think that…not anymore. I know it was just my insecurities now.”
I scoff. “Yeah, a little late to realize that, don’t you think?”
He steps closer, searching my eyes for any way in.
“I know I broke your trust. But I want to earn it back. Whatever I have to do. I’ll start over.
We can start over. You can go through my phone anytime you want.
My texts, my social media, my location. I’ll give you access to everything if it helps you feel like you can trust me again. ”
I’m staring at him, trying desperately to hold onto my anger while drowning in the toxic familiarity and comfort he brings me.
“That isn’t how trust is supposed to work.”
“I know,” he says, sounding so defeated yet desperate. “But maybe it’s what we need for now. Until you can trust me again.”
I bite down on the inside of my mouth and feel my eyes sting with emotion. I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s here, saying all the things I want to hear. He’s offering some accountability. He’s offering me the power, giving me control.
“And what happens when you get angry again?” I ask, voice still a bit unsteady. “When you think I’m pulling away, or you think someone else is interested in me?”
“Then I’ll handle it better,” he pleads. “I swear.”
I just watch him, trying to find the lies in his words, but all I can see is a broken boy I want to help, a broken boy I love.
“Please,” he whispers. “We’re not done yet, Lydia. Don’t let us be done.”
My heart tips toward him again. Not because everything is okay. But because part of me still wants to believe it can be.
He reaches out slowly, waiting for my permission, and I don’t move from his touch when he starts to wipe my tears away.
“I’m still mad at you,” I whisper.
“I know.”
“And I still don’t trust you.”
He nods. “Then let me earn that back.”
He takes a step forward and wraps his arms around me. I don’t hug him back right away, but I lean into him slightly. I close my eyes, and for a moment, I just pretend like what he’s trying to give me is enough, that the love we have can be louder than everything that’s broken between us.
Somehow, we end up in the backseat of his car, having sex, like it would be the thing that helped coax my heart back to him.
I feel stupid for doing it, but also like I have the power between us for the first time in our relationship.