20. Lydia
Lydia
It’s the middle of summer now, and all I want to do is soak up as much sun and fun as I can before I start my senior year and Eli starts college in the fall. I also want to sleep as much as possible, too. I haven’t been doing much of that lately.
My phone rings, and I pick up the FaceTime from Simone as I sit up in bed.
“Hey,” I say, still barely awake.
“Hey,” she replies flatly.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“I don’t know, Lyd. You tell me. Did I do something wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve hardly heard from you all summer. I mean, I go from seeing my best friend every day to you not texting me for weeks sometimes.”
This is a lot to take in as soon as I wake up, but it still instantly hurts to know she’s feeling that way.
I don’t really know what to say…I have been distant…
because it feels like I have to be. Every time I’m with Simone, I end up fighting with Eli, and these days, I try so hard to avoid any arguments with him.
When we fight, it gets so ugly. He says a lot of stuff I know he doesn’t mean, but it hurts just the same in the heat of the moment, and that hurt tends to linger; it stings, and it makes me want to start hurting him back.
But I don’t want to become that kind of person, always going tit for tat with the person I love.
And when it turns physical…I shut everything out, everyone out.
Simone has somehow become a sore spot for Eli recently.
He thinks that I always act differently when I’m around her, or that I spend more time with her than him, and I’m telling her all these bad things about him.
Honestly, I don’t tell her anything about him anymore.
I want her to believe that he’s a good guy, so I always paint him in the best light when I’m talking to her, but the lies are starting to burn like acid on my tongue.
I constantly try to avoid anything that I know pisses him off and keep him happy, but no matter what I do or how carefully I walk on eggshells around him, something always ends up triggering him. It feels like we’re starting to spiral, and I don’t know how to stop or fix it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I tell Simone. “I’ve just…been busy with this online summer class I’m taking so I can graduate on time, and trying to get any time in with Eli before he starts college in the fall.
I don’t mean to be so distant on purpose, I promise.
Can we hang out? Maybe tomorrow? We’re going on a date today, but I’ll be free all day tomorrow while Eli is doing summer workouts with the UNCC team. ”
“Sure, that sounds nice.”
I hear the cautious happiness in her voice and hate that I’ve caused that. Simone is like my sister, the closest thing to real family that I have.
“I love you. Please don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you, Lyd. I just miss you.”
“Me too.”
We get off the phone shortly after, and I force myself to get up for the day.
I have to finish my online schoolwork before Eli comes over and takes me to the Queen Charlotte Fair today.
I’m happy to be getting out with him. Eli has turned into a complete homebody lately.
We’ve been to one party since school ended and he graduated, and even then, we left early because he didn’t want to be there.
He’s also been really busy with summer workouts and training camps for football with his college team, so I haven’t had as much time with him, and I just want us to enjoy today together.
We tend to fight less when we’re not cooped up alone.
When we’re out, I always have this false sense of hope, like nothing bad can happen when we’re in public, with other people around.
I’m lying in bed, already dressed and ready to go, when I get a text from Eli that he’s here to pick me up.
I rush downstairs and tell Sarah and Mark that I’ll probably be home later around dinner time, or that I’ll call them if I’m not, and then head out the door.
When I get into Eli’s car, he leans over and kisses me.
I don’t feel the same fireworks that I used to whenever he kissed me, but that’s normal?
We’ve been together for a while now. It wasn’t always going to feel like that, right?
I still love being around him. I still love him… I think.
“Why are you wearing a dress to the fair?” he asks, looking over at me.
I scrunch my face up a little. “‘Cause…it’s cute?”
“You don’t need to be ‘cute’. Should have just put something comfortable on to be able to walk around in.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Well, I wanted to look cute. Sue me. The fair is fun, you’re supposed to dress up and look nice.”
“Well, I like you better in regular clothes, so I don’t really understand the purpose. Unless you’re wanting to dress cute for everyone else there.”
“I’m dressing cute for myself, Eli.”
“Whatever you say, Lyd.”
I don’t feel like he’s purposely being rude, but it’s souring my mood all the same.
The rest of the car ride is pretty quiet; thankfully, music is playing to fill the awkward silence around us.
The fairground feels and smells the same as it always has, like the perfect escape from reality.
A piece of light that my darkness enjoys being lit up by for a little while.
The smell of fried desserts and popcorn tangles itself up easily with the smells of show animals and something that I can’t really pinpoint, but feels nostalgic.
Who can be unhappy in a place like this?
It was perfectly created to bring you all the joy the world has to offer, packed into six acres of land, filled to the brim with laughter, games, rides, and heart-attack-worthy food.
Eli squeezes the hand he’s holding and points toward the giant Ferris wheel. “First ride after we grab tickets?”
“Yeah! I’ll grab us tickets while you grab some drinks? It’s really hot out here.”
“Yeah, get us two unlimited wristbands. I don’t want to have to keep coming back for more tickets.”
I take the money he presses into my palm, and then cross the gravel toward the booth plastered with neon price sheets.
After I’ve waited in line for what felt like forever, I reach the front and walk up to a boy standing behind the Plexiglas window. He looks maybe college-age, with freckles sprayed across his nose.
He smiles when he looked up at me. “Hey there,” he says, greeting me. “What can I get for you?”
“Two unlimited wristbands, please.”
He nods, presses something on his screen, and looks back up at me. “What’s your name?”
“Lydia,” I answer as I slide the bills under the slot.
He prints a receipt, and his gaze lingers on my face as he hands it to me. “That’s pretty. How’s your day going, Lydia?”
The polite part of me answers automatically. “Good. I’m having fun so far.”
“I’d be having fun too if you stuck around this booth and kept me company.” He winks—an exaggerated movie wink—and my stomach tightens with second-hand embarrassment.
I laugh it off, shaking my head. “I can’t, my boyfriend’s right over there.”
“Damn, lucky guy,” he says, sliding two wristbands across the counter. “If you get bored with him, I’m here till midnight.”
“Thanks,” I murmur, quickly tucking the bands into my dress pocket and turning away.
I don’t get far before Eli grabs my arm, not jerking me, but still digging his fingers into my skin so hard that I try to pull them off.
“What the hell, Eli?”
“That’s what I should be asking you, Lydia. Why the fuck do you think it’s okay to flirt with guys right in front of my face?”
“Flirt?” I ask, trying to keep my voice low. “I didn’t flirt with him…I just got our tickets.”
“You literally couldn’t stop smiling and staring at him. I watched you.”
“I was being polite,” I say, trying not to sound nervous so he doesn’t take my panic as guilt. “He asked for my name, I paid, that’s it.”
“Do I not give you enough attention, Lyd? You have to go get it from random guys, too?”
The accusation pisses me off. I didn’t do anything wrong. “I told him I had a boyfriend. That’s not flirting.”
He scoffs, stepping closer. Carnival noises swallow most of our conversation, but the anger in his whisper is loud and clear.
“So he was flirting with you, and you enjoyed it. ‘Cause that’s sure as hell what the grin on your fucking face said. You basically told him he had a chance with you looking at him like that.”
Eli looks around at the people passing by and then starts to guide me over to a wall hidden next to one of the rides, where nobody is. Tears sting behind my eyes. Fear and irritation start to tangle inside my brain, fighting for which one to react with.
“I wish you would stop being so insecure. I’ve never even looked at another guy the way I look at you, but you always accuse me of doing something I’m not!”
“Stop trying to play me like I’m stupid.”
“I’m not doing anything! You’re the one being crazy!”
Eli’s hand is on my throat, pushing me back into the wall behind us. My shoulders scrape against the brick, and I can’t breathe. I’m grabbing at his arm, but he doesn’t let up.
“E-li,” I choke out.
“Shut the fuck up, Lydia. What do I need to do to make you realize that you belong to me and only me? You keep doing this stupid shit to make me jealous. It’s like you enjoy seeing me angry.”
I feel like I’m going to pass out if he doesn’t let go. Panic grips me, and I know I need to get him off of me.
“You do know that you’re mine, right?”
The tone he uses scares me, but I nod, desperately needing him to let go.
“Pl-ease,” I beg.
He finally releases me and steps back. I quickly let out a breath and place my hands over my throat, trying to soothe the pain.
Eli still looks pissed. “Fuck this. We’re going back home.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m leaving. So either you’re coming with me, or you can stay here and get one of these guys to take you home. I’m sure any of them would be more than happy to.”
“Eli—”
He just walks away, back into the crowd of people. I don’t think; I just follow him.