20. Lydia #2
Everything scares me—him leaving me, him hurting me, him being mad at me. I need it all to stop. This isn’t how today was supposed to go.
When we make it back to the car, he gets in without opening my door like he normally does.
I get in, and he instantly turns the music up as he drives off, obviously not wanting to talk.
I wouldn’t be able to talk through the tears anyway, so I turn, facing the window, and let them fall.
I feel like I can’t breathe, like his hand is still around my throat.
The tears turn into sobs, and it hurts so much.
I try not to be too loud, not wanting him to hear me, but I can’t help it.
We just continue to sit in this painful silence until we pull into his driveway.
He turns the car off and then reaches over, cupping my face in his hand and turning me towards him. “Why do you make me so crazy, Lydia? Why do you make me get so angry like that?”
“I—I didn’t.” I try to breathe and stop crying enough so I can speak. “I didn’t—do anything wrong.”
“You can’t keep making me jealous like that. I see red every time I think about or see you with another guy. I can’t handle it.”
“I didn’t do anything to make you jealous. I don’t want any other guy. Why don’t you get that?”
He rubs a hand down his face and exhales. “How would you have felt if you saw me in that same situation?”
“I would have trusted you, Eli,” I say quietly, too tired to fight.
“Bullshit.”
“I trusted you when you said nothing else happened with Katie, didn’t I?”
I see the switch flip in his expression. His eyes get darker. “I thought we moved past that? Why are you bringing it back up?”
“We are past it. I’m just saying…I trusted you then, and I would trust you now. That’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to trust me.”
“I don’t know how to. Something inside of me always tells me you’re going to be just like other girls…just like my mother.”
“That’s what this is about? Something I didn’t even do?”
He shakes his head. “No…I mean, it’s part of it, but…I just get so scared of anyone else having you. I love you too much.”
“This doesn’t feel healthy, Eli.”
“Then help me, Lyd. I need you to help me be better.”
I grab his face, making him look at me. “I’m always here for you, but you have to work on your own insecurities, Eli. I can’t fix something I didn’t break.”
He kisses me, and I can’t find the strength to pull away. My heart hurts, but it hurts for him too. I feel torn.
“Come inside with me.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Eli. Maybe we just need some space—”
“No,” he grits out, and then instantly shifts back to a soft plea. “Please. Just stay with me. I just need to know that you’ll stay.”
I wrestle with my emotions, with wanting to comfort the boy I love, while also needing to protect myself. But I’m more afraid to tell him no right now, so I just nod.
He presses his forehead against mine and lets out a relieved breath. “Thank you for never giving up on me. I don’t know how I got so lucky with someone like you. You’re too good for me.”
I don’t respond. I just let him hold me there.
Once we’re inside the house, I notice how quiet it is. His dad must still be at work.
We head up to his room, and when we get inside, he closes the door behind us. He takes his shirt off, and the beautiful body that once called me to it like a moth to a flame no longer has the same appeal. It feels too tainted by the pain it’s caused.
Just because the outside of the house still looks perfect doesn’t mean that when you walk in, you won’t see the ruins from the fire that happened there, the ashes from the flames…my charred heart from all this pain.
He slowly gets into his bed and turns the TV on.
I’m just standing there still, not wanting to move.
Not even sure why I’m here at this point.
My head feels groggy, my heart physically hurts, I can still feel stinging from the scrapes on my back, and I can still feel the squeeze of his hand on my neck.
He lifts the cover and motions for me to come over to him. “Just lie with me…please. I just wanna be able to hold you, Lydia.”
My feet move automatically, running to him anytime he calls. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.
Once I’m pressed against him with his arms around me, we just lie there for a while.
I stare out the window, at the clouds passing by, wondering if it will always be like this between us.
He kisses my shoulder and whispers that he loves me, and I let him.
I just store away the empty words he feeds me, hoping they’ll mean something to my heart again one day.
Eventually, he starts kissing my neck, then turns me over to face him, taking my face in his hands and kissing me softly.
It quickly turns heated, and I want to pull away, but it feels like I’m the only thing keeping him from drowning right now.
So I let myself be his anchor, even if it means I’m the one who will drown while saving him.
When his hands find their way onto my body, my brain tells me we shouldn’t go any further than this. That it doesn’t feel right after everything that’s happened.
His hands slowly lift the bottom of my dress up, and his fingers brush against the seam of my underwear.
“Eli…I don’t think we should—”
“Please, Lydia. I need you.”
I stop his hand from going any further. “I don’t think I want to, Eli. I’m still hurt by the things you did. You keep hurting me, and I don’t deserve to feel like this.”
“I know, Lydia. I’m sorry. All I want to do is love you.” He kisses me again. Then he kisses my shoulder and my neck, trailing down to my stomach. “Just let me show you.”
“Eli, please. I don’t want to right now. It feels wrong.”
“But, Lydia…I need this. I need to know you still love me. That you still want me.”
“I do, Eli. But we don’t need to have sex for me to prove that to you.”
He stops kissing me and looks me in the eyes. “I need it…please.”
I don’t know how to keep telling him no, and I’m scared to, honestly. I don’t want to see him hurting, but I don’t want to do this either. Nothing in my body is telling me it’s right, nothing is telling me it’s what I want. I know it’s not going to fix anything.
He moves down under the covers and starts to kiss the inside of my thighs.
My body wants to recoil, wants to get out of this bed, wants it all to stop.
But I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t have the courage to keep saying no.
I’m too scared of what his pleas will turn into, if he’ll become angry with me or get upset again.
I just lie there and let it happen. I don’t really feel present, though.
My brain is trying to go somewhere else, trying to distract me, trying to convince me this is okay, this is normal, but nothing about this feels normal, nothing about it feels like love anymore.
It feels like desperation, like a fight for control… and I’m the one losing.