35. Lydia
Lydia
It’s wild how much can change in just a few weeks.
I still remember the first night after we moved into our dorm like it was yesterday.
The mixture of excitement and nerves, unpacking all of our stuff, getting to know Lani, staying up all night talking…
finally really picturing this place as my new home for the next four years.
I was almost overwhelmed with how happy being here has made me feel.
It’s been a couple of weeks since that first day, and honestly?
It feels like I’ve stepped into a completely different life, a better one, the one I’m supposed to be living.
Waking up here feels nothing like waking up back home.
I don’t wake up here every day in fear for what the day will bring.
I don’t feel like I’m not wanted everywhere I go.
Even when the thoughts try to creep in that I’m not good enough, or that people aren’t going to like me, I can easily push them away.
I know I have no reason to feel that way here.
People don’t know my past; they don’t know my story; they don’t have a reason to judge me.
They just accept me and make me feel like a normal person.
I’ve never felt ‘normal’ before. I think I crave ‘normal’.
I’d much rather be just normal than be the outcast. I feel like I have a place here, I have people who want me around, and I actually look forward to my future here.
This really is only the beginning for me.
I never thought I could get any closer to Simone than I already was, but living together and being around each other day in and day out now has only made our bond stronger.
Most nights, we stay up way too late talking about everything and nothing, and I love it.
It’s the happiest I’ve ever been, just doing the most mundane, normal college kid things.
And Lani—she’s amazing. She’s this effortlessly cool mix of laid-back and vibrant, with this laugh that fills the room and makes everything feel lighter.
She makes you feel like you’ve known her longer than just a couple of weeks, like you can’t imagine not having her around.
Her brother—Sandro—is a junior here at A&M, so she has all the ins and connections through him that we will definitely be taking advantage of as much as possible this year.
Apparently, she has an older sister as well, but they don’t talk anymore, something about her moving out years ago and living on the streets, something she doesn’t seem to like going into many details about.
I love the dynamic the three of us have built.
I thought it would be weird to have anyone but Simone in my circle—more like a line, but whatever, you get the idiom.
Now, having Lani too, it just feels right, like she was our missing piece.
I won’t say that my guards are completely down around her yet, especially with what happened with Katie and Harper always in the back of my mind…
but this feels different than that. You can see that who you perceive Lani to be is genuinely who she is, no sugar coating, no trying to be something she’s not, no people-pleasing, just authentically herself, and I love that.
I’m still on my own journey to get to that point and gain that type of confidence, but this phase of my life feels like the perfect time to embrace that side of myself.
College classes have definitely been a culture shock for sure.
I mean, everyone warns you about how different it’s going to be from high school, but you really do have to experience it for yourself to understand.
As hard as some classes are, though, I actually enjoy the challenge.
Academics have always been a way for me to quiet my thoughts and make my brain focus on something else, something it can control and something to work towards.
It keeps me busy. Keeps my mind from wandering into those dark places where Eli, my parents, Camilla, and every fucked up point of my life still live like a constant shadow, tugging at every quiet moment.
Thankfully, as long as I have something to do and people around who make me laugh long enough to keep me away from the thoughts, I feel like I can stay afloat.
It’s been so entertaining to watch Simone go full sorority girl on me now.
She’s been rushing different sorority houses for the last week, and I’m living for this version of her.
It’s fun to watch her dive into it all—meeting new people, going to all these Greek events, getting invited to so many parties already, and my personal favorite is when she comes home with the juiciest stories.
She’s always been a natural at making friends and lighting up the room.
It’s honestly inspiring to see her so alive and full of energy, like she was made to be the center of attention.
She doesn’t make others feel below her. She stands on her pedestal and pulls everyone else up there with her.
I love it when other people get to be around the light she is in this world.
It’s something everyone should get to experience, no matter how much I want to hoard her all to myself.
I’m glad her and Tyler’s schedules are finally lining up this weekend so they can spend some time together.
I know it’s been hard for them to be so far from each other like this, and I hate seeing Simone sad about it some nights, especially when they talk on the phone for hours, and I have to watch her mood dip slightly every time they say goodbye.
I hate that for her. I know how much of a constant he’s been in her life for so long now.
I just hope this part of their relationship makes them stronger in the end.
With him coming into town and school work finally getting to a manageable load, we’re all going to go out this Saturday night to celebrate this new chapter in our lives.
Lani’s brother told her about this big back-to-school party in one of the dorm buildings that happens every year.
He told us we should all come by, that we could all finally officially meet, and he could introduce us to some of his friends.
I’m excited to finally slow down and get a little break, start enjoying the perks of college life, aka the crazy parties.
I haven’t had a drink since before coming here, and for some reason, the thought of drinking again has been nagging at the back of my mind since Lani told us about the party.
When I used to drink, it was getting to the point where I was just using alcohol to numb and dissociate from everyone.
After what happened with Eli, it was the only way I could cope with it all—with the images, with the replaying of that night, with every part of our relationship.
Now, after getting to a little bit of a better place mentally, I honestly just stopped thinking about it as often and didn’t have the desire to turn to it anymore.
I don’t think I really had—or have—a problem with alcohol.
I just used it to mask the sadness back then, but I’m not in that same place anymore.
I think I can enjoy the social drinking scene now without using it as an emotional crutch.
* * *
The energy of this party is insane! It’s nothing like the high school parties we used to go to.
No, this is another level, like something out of a movie.
It smells like alcohol, sweat, cologne, and trouble.
It’s intoxicating, and I strangely love it.
The hallway is packed, people squeezed into every corner, some swaying, others shouting to be heard over the noise.
Neon lights flash around us, casting shadows everywhere that dance across the walls and the bodies tangled up together in each room.
Solo cups in every color clatter and spill as hands pass them around like college currency.
Someone’s doing shots off the edge of a wobbly table, as a group of kids next to them struggle to hold a girl upside down as she does a keg stand.
The chaos is alive. Every face I focus in on tells a different story—wild eyes, flushed cheeks, confident smirks from girls telling the guy they’re with that she wants to end this night with them somewhere other than the crowded dance floor.
It’s amazing to watch. I love how free they all seem, no care in the world, just living in the moment and drowning out reality for a little.
It feels raw, unpredictable, and electric.
This feeling is my kind of drug. No need for the real ones.
“Hey, we’re gonna go grab a couple of drinks, okay?” Simone tells me, practically yelling over the noise for me to hear her.
I nod and watch as Tyler wraps his arm around her waist and leads her over to a table that has way too many alcoholic shots and options for any normal person to choose from.
Lani tugs at my arm, dragging me toward one of the rooms. “Come meet my brother.”
We walk in, and who I assume is Sandro—her brother—stands up to greet us. He pulls Lani into a bear hug and kisses her on the top of her head as she tries to squirm out of his hold. “Eww, Sandro! Too much touching!”
He rolls his eyes and releases her. “It’s so nice to know my little sister loves me so much that she can’t bear the overwhelming happiness she feels when she sees me.
I mean, you would think after having so much time apart when I left for college, you would appreciate my affection and love for you more now after not having it, Lay. ”
Lani shoves his shoulder playfully. “My love language is being mean to those I love.”
“Oh, trust me, I know. Growing up being tormented by you every day taught me that much.”
“Whatever—Anyway, Sandro, this is Lydia. My dormie and new best friend.”