47. Lydia #2
There’s a reason I haven’t been to any parties lately.
I know I can’t control myself anymore. If it’s around, if it’s presented to me, I can’t stop myself; I can’t say no.
A different part of my brain starts to make the decisions.
It’s like a shark that smells blood. Its instincts go into overdrive, and it can’t stop until it’s gotten a taste.
If I’m being even more honest with myself, I’ve been scared of being at any party after…
you know…what happened. I replay that moment over and over in my head more often than I’d like.
Most of the time, when the thoughts of that night take over…
I don’t just think about what happened…I think about what would have happened.
My mind torments me with every possibility that would have happened if he hadn’t walked in when he did.
The sickest parts of my mind take over and serve up every fucked up image of me being raped on a platter.
Putting the pain I can never forget from Eli with the image of someone new taking that power away from me too.
I do my best to turn them off, distract myself, take whatever I can to make them go away. And usually it works…usually.
I think that’s also why I’ve only slept with Atlas since then.
It’s not that I like him like that or anything…
I don’t think I do, at least. I honestly don’t think I can like anyone like that ever again.
I just feel safe with him in some weird way.
We’ve kind of become really good friends.
Granted, most of the time we spend together is spent getting off or getting high, but, like, still…
we have a good time together. I tell him about a lot, probably too much sometimes.
He doesn’t really open up about much with his past, other than he’s always had a shitty relationship with his parents and siblings, being the black sheep of a well-off family…
and that he hasn’t seen them since he started college, but I don’t really know many details outside of that.
If he’s told me any, I was probably too high to remember.
I think we connect on some broken-people level. We understand the pain in each other’s heads that makes us wanna turn it all off.
He doesn’t do the same drugs I do. He always wants to be aware of what’s going on around him…but he still understands. He’s been there before, and it’s nice having someone who gets it.
We’re walking up to the house when Simone’s phone rings.
She stops to pull it out, and we all stop walking.
I let out a breath, a little grateful for the delay.
A second to get my head together and convince myself that I can do this, that I’ll be fine, that I won’t do anything too stupid.
When I look back up at Simone, her face visibly drops.
I watch as she walks away a little, as if she doesn’t want anyone to hear what she’s saying.
She looks upset—sad even, like there’s this desperate expression on her face.
I look over at Lani to see if she sees what I’m seeing, and she just gives me a shrug like she knows something is wrong, too, but has no clue what it could be.
Simone hangs up the phone, shoving it back into her purse, and it almost looks like she pretends to look for something else in that tiny ass purse just to play off that she has to wipe what I assume were tears from her face.
Was she crying? Why was she crying?
She looks up at us and smiles—it’s definitely a fake smile, but we both just smile back as she walks back over to us.
“Ready to have fun tonight, girls?” she asks way too cheerfully all of a sudden.
Lani gives me a questioning look, like, Should we ask or should we play along?
I don’t like whatever that was. I don’t like seeing Simone upset.
Lately, my emotions have been completely turned off.
I don’t feel much anymore. As long as I’m high, I’m happy.
When I’m high, everything goes away—the thoughts, the pain, the feelings, the caring, the memories, everything gets locked behind this door that I threw away the key to.
But in this moment, those feelings start seeping back through, just a little.
“Is everything okay?” I ask her.
She sniffles quietly and plays it off with a forced laugh. “What? Yeah. Totally.”
“Simone,” I say seriously.
“What? I’m serious. Everything’s good. Let’s go party.”
“Who was that?”
She looks at me like she’s begging me with her eyes to just drop it…but I can’t. Simone is always happy…always. Other than when she’s mad at me or sad about something I did or something that happened to me…But this? This definitely isn’t about me. So…what is going on?
She lets out a small sigh. “It was…Tyler. Everything’s okay, though. Let’s just go have a good time. Please.”
I pause. Trying to wrap my head around why she would be sad talking to Tyler.
“Tyler?” I ask, confused. “You were upset, though? Did he do something to you…? Did that fucker cheat on you?”
Lani looks confused, bouncing her head between us, looking like she’s trying to solve the puzzle here too.
Simone’s head snaps back. “What? No! No, he didn’t cheat. I mean, not that I know of. No…I don’t think he would…do that, no.”
I lift a brow. “That’s a lot of no’s, Simone…Do you think he might have or something?”
She lets out a resigned breath. “I don’t know…
I don’t think so. It’s just…he was acting so weird over the Christmas break, like…
distant, you know? He acted like he was busy most of the break and barely saw me while we were both back home.
Even on Christmas and New Year’s…we were together, but…
it was like his mind was somewhere else.
I kept asking what was wrong, and he would say nothing was wrong, that he didn’t know what I was talking about.
That’s how we left things off, and when I got back to campus, he barely called or texted for days. ”
“What the hell?” Lani interjects.
I shake my head. “So…what was that call about then? What did he say?”
Simone shakes her head, too. “Just that…we needed to talk.”
I see Lani’s mouth drop open a little.
“Talk?” I ask, repeating her.
She nods her head. “Yeah…and you know what that means. I just couldn’t deal with that right now, so I told him this wasn’t the time.
That I was out and couldn’t talk right now.
I mean, damn…there has to be someone else…
right? Why else would he be breaking up with me after all of these years? Nothing has been wrong…until now.”
“That’s bullshit, Simone. What the hell? I should kick his ass—”
Simone puts her hand up. “I don’t even want to think about it, honestly…I just want to go inside and get my mind off it for the night. If I don’t, I’ll start to spiral thinking about him with someone else…and I…I just can’t.”
I take her arm in mine and turn to extend my other hand out for Lani to take too, and we all walk in together.
The music is pounding so hard I can feel it running wild through my veins.
Lani’s got her arm slung around Simone, both of them laughing so hard they’re barely standing.
We’re shoulder to shoulder at the counter, throwing back shot after shot.
I watch Simone’s smile falter when she thinks no one’s looking. Still in her head. I hate it.
I slam another shot down in front of her to take and then scream over the bass, “Fuck boys!”
She shakes her head, laughing through the sting of the tequila going down. “Ugh, but I still love him, Lydia!”
“Love sucks, though! All it does is give people the fucking power to hurt you!” I yell back. She lifts another plastic shot cup. “Cheers to that!”
We down them, and for a while…the night is pretty good.
I’m watching Simone and Lani dance together, hair swinging, smiles that don’t look forced.
I love them so much it hurts. Sometimes, I wonder what it’s like to be them.
To not spiral every time life takes a swing at you.
To not need something in your system just to breathe.
To have a brain that doesn’t shut down at every little trigger.
Because God forbid if you feel any small emotion, you feel them all.
Awaken by Big Wild plays, and the beat swallows me whole. The lights blur, and for a second, it’s almost too much. My head feels too full. I reach into my pocket. Pull out an empty bag.
“Shit,” I mutter under my breath. My eyes flick around, finding Simone and Lani.
They’re still lost in the music, so I slip out the front door, into the freezing night air, weaving through strangers until I’m back at the car.
I start tearing it apart. The glove box, under the seat, the console—panic starting to take over.
I know I brought more.
I can’t find it anywhere, and I’m getting agitated quickly.
The anxiety is getting louder. I have to have something.
I need something. The fear of not having anything feels more painful than actually not having it in my system.
The way my body claws at me to feed the beast. My head and thoughts get so loud that none of what I hear or feel is coherent anymore.
I hate this feeling. I need something, now.
I head back inside, opening up the first door I see that looks promising. I find exactly what I’m looking for—two girls sitting on the side of a bathtub and a guy breaking something down on the bathroom counter across from them.
He looks up at me and smiles. “Shit…looks like you need a hit of this.”
I swallow down the nerves and nod, not even caring what it is, just needing anything. He gestures for me to come over to him and holds the small straw over one of the lines for me to do. I let him guide the straw as I take the hit.
“Fuckkk…thank…you.”
He laughs and nods at me. “Hope that helps.”