47. Lydia #3
One of the girls waves me over to sit next to them, and I do…
I sit there for a second, waiting for it to fully kick in.
The alcohol makes it hit quick, though, and hard.
My body goes light, the music muffles, and everything feels…
better. Not good. Just…less. That’s all I need.
My limbs go light, my chest loosens up, and the panic finally settles into forgetting any problems even exist.
I finally get up and stumble back out, plastering on a smile and trying to look normal.
“Whoa,” Simone says, catching me just before I fall. “You okay? How much did you drink? You don’t look good.”
“I don’t know.” It comes out slurred. “But…I’m fine.”
Lani’s watching me closely, too closely. She walks over and lifts my chin, like she’s trying to look into my soul. I think it’s too dark in there for her to see anything, though. Her eyes narrow, and my stomach drops.
“Let’s go outside,” she says. Serious.
They each take an arm, guiding me out onto the porch. I drop down on the steps, and Lani crouches in front of me, holding my face in both hands.
“Your pupils are fucking huge, Lyd…Fuck. Are you kidding me right now?”
I try to pull away, but she holds firm.
“What did you take?”
I flick my eyes toward Simone and back to Lani, a silent plea for her not to do this here.
“Fuck that,” Lani says. “What are you on?”
Simone frowns. “What are you talking about? She just drank too much.”
“No,” Lani says flatly. “She’s high.”
My stomach drops even more.
Fuck, Lani, you always know how to ruin a high, don’t you?
“What?” Simone’s face pulls in confusion. “Did someone spike her drink? We were all drinking together—”
“No one spiked her drink. She took something, Simone,” Lani tells her, eyes never leaving mine. “She’s done drugs before…or still does them, apparently. I thought she had stopped. But I guess not.”
Simone shakes her head. “No…no, she doesn’t do drugs—”
“She does…and obviously just did.” She looks down at her wrist as if there’s a watch there. “I don’t know, in the last ten minutes or so that she wasn’t with us.”
Simone stares at me like she’s seeing me for the first time. “What is she talking about? When did you—how did you? Why didn’t I know?”
“Simone…I—,” I start, but Lani cuts in.
“I found her doing them a couple of months back. Twice. Once, I thought it was just party shit. The other, she was in our dorm, snorting something. Begged me not to tell you. Said she’d stop.” Her eyes narrow. “Did you stop?”
I just stare at her.
She lets out this disbelieving laugh. “You never fucking stopped, did you?”
I shake my head.
Simone turns my face toward her. “Are you serious? And you never told me?”
“I…I hate making you always worry about me. And I’m…I’m okay—”
“This isn’t okay!” she snaps.
“I’m fine…” I tell them flatly, barely holding my eyes open now.
“You’re obviously not fine! I can’t believe this. After everything…after all the people you’ve watched in your life do the same thing…go down the same path—”
Heat rises up the back of my neck at her words. I push to stand, nearly falling, and shove their hands away. “Fuck you…Fuck both of you.”
“Lydia—”
“No, don’t Lydia me! You don’t know what it’s like to be trapped in your own damn head all the time, stuck in memories you can’t get out, no matter what you do. You don’t know what it’s like to feel like you’ll go insane if it doesn’t stop.”
They both just stare at me, at a loss for words.
“I found a way to shut it off, so I fucking took it, okay?”
“This isn’t the way,” Lani says, but her voice cracks as it comes out. “You could end up killing yourself.”
“Yeah? What if I told you I don’t give a fuck if I do?
“You don’t mean that…” Simone says so quietly that I barely catch it. I see the hurt written all over her face.
“Screw you. Screw both of you.” I spit the words like poison, needing them to believe I mean them. “You only judge me because you don’t fucking know what it’s like.” I wave a hand between them. “With your perfect little happy lives, how could you?”
“That’s not fair,” Simone argues. “Nobody’s life is perfect.”
I throw my hands up and laugh. “Oh, I’m sorry.
That’s right. I forgot. Your boyfriend is trying to dump you and is probably a couple of states over right now, fucking as many college girls as he can because you’re the only pussy he’s ever gotten, and he’s finally gotten tired of it.
Such a sad fucking story. At least he didn’t beat the fuck out of you until you couldn’t get out of bed…
just to go and fucking kill himself in front of you and blame you for all the fucked up things he did to you!
” I yell. “Face it, Simone! You’re too perfect sometimes.
He probably got so fucking bored with you that he wanted to blow his own brains out.
So he would rather just dump you instead and go live his life, not wanting to be drained by you any longer! ”
I watch as the tears fall down her face. My fucking heart breaks looking at her, but I can’t stop. I need her to hurt the way I’m fucking hurting. Even if I don’t mean a single thing I’m saying to her. I desperately need them to leave me the hell alone.
The front door bursts open, and a guy stumbles past us, leaping off the porch toward a car idling at the curb. All of our heads turn, and my eyes lock on the driver.
Bash.
How long has he been sitting there? How much did he hear?
Fuck….why do I even care? I don’t know him. As much as I might feel like I do for some strange reason. I don’t….so fuck him for that stupid pitying, sympathetic look he has on his face right now.
Mason’s in the passenger seat, yelling at the drunk guy to hurry up. Bash doesn’t look away from me until Mason gets his attention to say something to him. He glances back at me one more time, and then they’re gone.
“We’re taking you home,” Lani says. “Let’s get in the car.”
“No,” I snap. “I’m walking.”
“It’ll take you over an hour to get back on foot—”
“Don’t care.” I turn and start walking fast, stumbling slightly, their voices chasing me, but never catching up.
I don’t look back.
I can’t.
Not when the shame is already setting in.
Not when I hate myself this much.