Chapter Thirteen Kami #2
Taylor? Taylor had gone to the party? “Taylor…”
“He was like the first guy to show up, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but he was flirting with Ellie all night.”
“Stop lying, Julian!” I was pissed now, and I turned my back to him.
“You always say what great friends we are. But you don’t think twice about how something you say might hurt my feelings.
One minute you’re all like Oh God, I can’t stand our classmates, and the next minute you’re partying with them.
Whatever. I don’t care, I’ve got to go to work. ”
He hurried around to face me. “You don’t realize this, Kam, but you’re the one who pushes everyone away.
Why do you think Taylor was there last night?
Because you just left, and you didn’t even tell him where you were!
He asked me how you got home, and I had no idea what he was talking about!
Why do you lie to people? You’d rather walk home than get a ride from your boyfriend, and then you say I’m the one who hurts people.
So I tell you things you don’t want to hear—but have you ever considered maybe you need that?
That you need someone to knock you off your pedestal? ”
I was shocked by what he was saying, and I wasn’t in the mood to put up with anyone’s bullshit.
“I didn’t make that fucking pedestal, Julian!
Everyone else put me on it! And you know why?
Because they’re all so fucking lame that they need someone to follow so they can feel good about themselves!
Did you see what Kami’s wearing today? Did you hear where Kami went on vacation?
Did you see Kami got a bike? I think I’m gonna get one too!
Did Kami cut her hair? Why isn’t Kami smiling?
Why isn’t Kami going out with Danny anymore?
Why isn’t Kami dressing like she used to?
Where’s Kami’s car? Let’s all bully Kami because she’s not giving us enough attention, and we’re all just a bunch of dickheads anyway! ”
Julian seemed shocked by my outburst, but his expression then changed to what looked like admiration.
“You’re right,” he said, taking a deep breath.
“I agree with you. They’re all living in a stupid bubble, and all they care about is what other people think.
You’re not like that, and that’s why I like you, Kam.
That’s why as soon as I met you, I knew you were special.
You’ve got an aura, and it made me want to get to know you. ”
“There’s no such thing as auras, Julian.”
He clutched my cheeks so tightly I wanted to pull away. “They exist. And you have one. And if other people can’t see it, then fuck them.”
I inhaled deeply and took two steps back.
I wasn’t in the mood to have that conversation.
Not with anyone, and especially not with him.
No matter what he said, he’d been at that party, he’d enjoyed it, and he hadn’t thought of inviting me.
Even though it was in his own home! “I gotta go back to work,” I said.
“I’ll see you at the bonfires, though, right?”
“I don’t know.”
***
When all the cakes and brownies and muffins and pies were done, Mrs. Mill let me go home.
It was five in the afternoon by then. On my way, I realized I was no longer excited by what had once been one of my favorite celebrations.
I missed my friends. I missed Ellie, who was a lost cause.
Every time I saw her, she gave me mixed signals.
I missed Kate. Yes, even Kate. Despite everything, we’d always gotten along.
I sure as hell missed my dad. He had loved the Bonfire Fest and always made an effort to attend.
He loved telling us stories when we were gathered around the fire.
I remembered how my brother used to fall asleep and Dad would take him home, and then I’d stay late talking with my friends.
Dad and I hadn’t talked since he’d left. It was no surprise. He was affectionate when he was around, but he’d never been good about getting in touch when he was off on his business trips, and I knew it would be hard for him to start now.
I was in my room changing when my grandmother shouted, “Kamila, come down here right now!” from what I assumed was the living room. I pulled on my skinny jeans and favorite wool sweater, and laced up my black snow boots: the ideal outfit for enjoying a bonfire in the snow.
I wasn’t sure who I would go with. Taylor hadn’t messaged me since yesterday, and Julian seemed to think I was pushing him away.
Why is everything in my life so fucked up?
I asked myself. My grandmother was shouting again, and I quickly sent Taylor a message: Where can we meet?
I wrote. My grandmother is here, and I need someone to rescue me.
I added a smiley face emoji to try to cut through the tension before hurrying downstairs, where I found my mother, my grandmother, and my brother.
After scrutinizing my outfit the same way my mother always did, my grandmother nodded and said, “We’re going as a family so people will understand that we’re still united. Still strong despite everything.” She pushed a beanie cap onto my brother’s head.
“It itches,” he said, taking it off and throwing it on the ground.
“Cameron!” Mom shouted, scowling at him as she touched up her red lipstick.
“I’m supposed to meet up with friends,” I said, putting on my coat.
“Spend some time with us first. You can see them later,” Mom asserted.
I didn’t want to start a war over it, so I piled into my mother’s car with the rest of them and we drove to town. I looked over at the Di Bianco house to see if the brothers’ car was there and was bummed to see that it wasn’t. Shit… Was Taylor that pissed at me?
We parked on a side street near the town square. Even from there, we could hear the music and the crowds.
“Can I get some cotton candy?” my brother asked, excited and pulling Mom’s hand.
“Only one,” my mother said as she stepped out into the square. My grandmother walked next to her in a pair of tailored slacks and a thick black sweater. She looked impeccable, like my mother, but it was a bit too much for a simple visit to town, I thought.
We walked around for a while, drinking hot chocolate and eating sweets. When we reached the Mill’s stall, Mrs. Mill smiled at me and called Cameron over to give him some free treats. My grandmother gave her a serious, haughty look and asked, “Are you the one who hired my granddaughter?”
Mrs. Mill, who was the sweetest person in the world, smiled and said, “Oh, are you Kamila’s grandmother? She’s such a delight.”
“Hmm. You must not know her very well,” my grandmother said, disappointed. Fortunately, it had been years since I’d given a damn what she thought. I’d realized long ago that satisfying her was basically impossible.
“Mrs. Mill, can I have one of these cookies too?” my brother asked.
“Of course, dear,” she said with a smile, ignoring my grandmother.
We said our goodbyes and strolled awhile longer through town.
Everything looked gorgeous. There were stalls all around, a big bonfire in the center of the plaza, and snowplows parked at the edges of the square with big piles of snow beside them.
The roofs of the houses and shops were still trimmed in white—it was all so picturesque that it made me want to sit down on a bench and draw, to capture people’s smiles, the firelight reflected in the children’s eyes, the bitter cold of the ice and the warmth of the flames…
“Kami!” someone called. I turned. Julian again.
I still wasn’t sure how I felt after our argument this afternoon, but I knew I wasn’t in the mood to introduce Julian to my mom or my grandmother.
There was nothing I could do, though. He marched right up with a big smile on his face and kissed me on the cheek before introducing himself to my family.
“Julian Murphy, pleasure to meet y’all.”
My mother and grandmother introduced themselves in turn.
“Are you a friend of my granddaughter?” Grandma asked, sizing him up.
“I sure am,” he replied.
My mother glanced strangely back and forth between us and asked, “Aren’t you Kate’s brother?”
Now Julian stopped smiling. “Not by choice, but yeah. She’s my stepsister.”
“It’s been a long time since Kate’s come around the house. Are the two of you fighting or something, Kamila?”
This was the first time my mother had taken an interest in my social life since the school year started.
“No,” I lied. I didn’t feel like telling my mom that Kate and I weren’t talking. “I gotta go, all right?” At least Julian was good for one thing—he gave me an excuse to get the hell away from those two women.
“Already?” my brother asked, doe-eyed.
“Just for a little bit, bud. I’ll see you soon.”
Julian said goodbye, and we walked off in the opposite direction. “The party’s at the south bonfire,” he said. “I’ll take you.” He moved to grab my hand, but I resisted.
“I don’t want to go anywhere with you, Julian,” I said. I hadn’t forgotten what he’d said to me, and I wasn’t going to pretend I had.
“Why? Because of what I said before? Come on, Kam! It was just a misunderstanding!”
“No, it wasn’t, Julian. And stop calling me Kam! Thiago is the only one who gets to call me that!” I don’t know where that came from, but the words spilled out before I could stop myself.
Julian gave me a strange look, disappointment mixed with something else. “Listen, I’m tired of following you around only to have you treat me this way, Kam-i-la. I said I was sorry, but I guess that doesn’t matter?”
“You didn’t say you were sorry, Julian,” I responded, wishing he’d just leave me in peace. “You said that I was up on a pedestal. And you said I needed to be knocked off it. Then you said I had a special aura and everyone wanted to be like me. Well, which is it?”
“Do you not see it? You are different. You’re special…” He tried to touch me, but I drew back.
“I’m not, goddammit!” I said, starting to lose it. “And you know what? There are times when I miss the way things were before you got here. I know it’s not your fault, but this year has been absolute shit, and every day I’m just more and more alone.”
“I wonder why that is,” he answered sarcastically, apparently without thinking. Then he corrected himself automatically, telling me he was sorry, but the damage was done. And either way, I wasn’t in the mood to accept anyone’s apology.
“Maybe you’re right… Maybe I should be alone,” I said, very serious. “And alone means without you popping up around every corner to first stroke my ego and then say something that makes me want to crawl into a hole.”
“I thought we were friends,” he said, but I knew he didn’t believe that.
“Friendship is something to be earned. And I’ve got too much to deal with right now to try to earn anything from anyone. Sorry.”
“Kamila!” he shouted as I walked off.
But I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him or anyone else.
I wanted to be alone. Truly alone.