Chapter Sixteen Kami
Chapter Sixteen
Kami
I went with Taylor to his room. He wouldn’t stop insisting, and I just couldn’t say no. It seemed wrong knowing that Thiago was just across the hall, but I needed to be with someone who could offer me a sense of peace and security, and nobody was better at that than Taylor.
Even before we’d gone to the station, he had hugged me and calmed me down.
My mother had seen us and had to acknowledge him.
Unlike her, Taylor had been polite—even nice—despite what had happened in the past. That made me love him a little bit more.
He was someone who knew how to put his own issues aside, especially if it meant making me happy.
And I knew that was something Thiago could never do. He still blamed my mother for everything—he would never agree to being in the same room with her. For him, the loss of his sister was still my family’s fault, and that would always come between us, no matter what he said.
I sat on Taylor’s queen-size bed and fell back onto the mattress. The ceiling was still sprinkled with the glow-in-the-dark stars I’d given him one year for his birthday. “Remember how hard it was to stick them up there?” I asked.
“What?” He was taking off his T-shirt and putting on a pair of comfy track pants.
“The stars,” I said, pointing up.
“Oh, yeah,” he replied, as if he’d forgotten they were there.
“It took us two whole afternoons. Remember, we had a ladder up here and you fell off?” I smiled, admiring his body. He’d come over to sit next to me.
“Do I remember?” he asked, pointing at his front teeth. “Thank God they were my baby teeth.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Lie down with me now, and let’s look at the stars,” I said softly, and he did. When he turned off the bedside lamp, their yellowish glow was the only thing we could see.
“It’s funny how sometimes, as lovely as something might be, we stop noticing because we get used to it, even though it’s right in front of our noses.
” As I said this, I kept thinking about that beautiful spring day when we were kids and something as silly as sticking plastic stars to the ceiling could fill us with happiness.
“Is that what it’s like with me, Kami? Have you gotten so used to me that you just look right past me?”
I felt a stab in my heart, and I turned to him.
“Why do you say that, Taylor?”
“I’ve seen how you look at him,” he responded, and I froze. “And he looks at you the same way. Don’t deny it, OK? I know there’s something between you two.”
“Taylor, I…”
“It makes me so mad I want to walk across the hall and kill him, Kami, and he’s my brother! After Mom, he’s the person I love most in this world. But when I’m with you…”
“Taylor, I love you,” I said, grabbing his face and turning it toward mine. But I didn’t deny his accusation. And that didn’t pass unnoticed.
He shook his head and then looked straight at me.
By then my eyes were used to the darkness, and I could read the feelings on his sweet face. The face I wanted to see as soon as I woke up when I was a little kid, the same face that made me feel so calm, so at home.
“Tell me to love you and I will. No hesitation, no more insecurities,” he said, his voice so serious that any other thoughts on my mind disappeared. I was entirely focused on Taylor. “Tell me to love you and I’ll follow you anywhere. But first, tell me I’m the only one you want to love you.”
My heart started racing. My feelings flew out in every direction, as if I was levitating, and I felt my mind ordering me to clear things up once and for all, to accept what I had, let myself be happy.
The image of Thiago flashed in my mind. I loved him too, but we’d never be happy. I could never be happy with someone who hated my family. Someone who still blamed me, in part, for his sister’s death. The brother of someone else I loved. My boyfriend, Taylor.
If things ended with Taylor, they would end with Thiago. That was an undeniable fact. I couldn’t just be with one and then the other, trying them on like outfits. That wouldn’t work, and I could never forgive myself for doing it.
Was it selfish to stay with one because I didn’t want to lose both?
Was it selfish to give Taylor a chance when my heart was divided and I could never stop feeling what I felt for his brother? Was it selfish to love him so much and love another person the same or more? Was it selfish that it didn’t matter to me because I needed him by my side?
Yes, it was. And yet I whispered his name, “Love me, Taylor.” I brought my lips close to his and said, “Love me because you’re the only person who knows how.”
For a moment, we held back, inhaling each other’s breath, and I could sense all the contradictions in his head. It wasn’t easy for him to ignore everything he saw between his brother and me.
I promised myself I would never again show any emotion for Thiago. I would keep my feelings to myself. It was Taylor who deserved me, who deserved my love, my affection…I slid on top of him. He could read the intention in my eyes.
“Kami, I don’t know if this is a good idea, if we should really…”
But I kissed him before he could say any more. “You’re the only one I want and need right now.” I caressed his face.
“But who will you need tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow I’ll need you more than today,” I said, sweeping my fingers down his cheeks to his bare chest.
“Are you sure?”
There was sorrow in his words, and I said nothing more.
I decided from then on I would try to make him happy.
I wouldn’t tolerate hearing sadness in his voice.
I kissed his bare skin, running my tongue down his abs—abs only a guy who worked out every day could have.
I ran my hands over his body, and he was touching me now too, in a way I could tell he had been wanting to do for so long.
We hadn’t done it yet because we hadn’t found the perfect moment.
But sleeping with Taylor was something I’d been looking forward to, even if I hadn’t thought I’d be capable of it until now.
The fact that the last person I’d been with had violated my privacy and broke my confidence hurt so much that I needed to do something to remedy it.
Taylor didn’t let me toy with him for long.
Before I knew it, he’d grabbed me by the waist and flipped me over, getting on top of me.
He pressed his hard dick between my legs, seeking me out desperately.
We didn’t speak. It was a game of looks and caresses.
The oldest game in the world, played out with the sweetest, kindest person I’d ever known.
I slipped my clothes off slowly as he kissed my bare skin until suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore. “Please,” I urged. Meanwhile he was still fully dressed from the waist down.
“I want to taste you first,” he said, kissing his way down my stomach.
He tugged my panties off and slowly licked me…
I squirmed shyly with pleasure. “I’m going to devour you,” he said.
Feeling his breath between my legs, I felt a wave of immense pleasure and I couldn’t wait for it to crash over me.
When he finally tasted me, he didn’t stop until I was trembling against his lips, my wetness mixed with his saliva, and I finally knew: This was what it meant to trust someone. This was what it meant to be together.
This was what sex was supposed to be like.
I should never have given my virginity away before I was ready.
We have this idea that sex is just sex and we shouldn’t make such a big deal about our first time.
Like if my friends are doing it, doesn’t that mean I should do it too?
If my boyfriend wants to, then why not? We treat it like it’s nothing, but it matters.
Sex is more than just taking off your clothes, touching each other, having an orgasm.
Sex is complicity, trust, emotion—or at least it should be.
And it should be every time we do it. From the first to the last. Losing your virginity to some asshole is something that can mark you for life.
That video proved it.
With Taylor touching me, I felt comfortable.
I felt desired. With Taylor kissing my mouth, my thighs.
With Taylor unable to resist the urge to finger me.
Slowly at first and then fast, so fast I couldn’t keep from moaning.
Moaning from pleasure. I was on the verge of coming when Taylor pulled back and opened the drawer in his nightstand.
“I want you to come with me inside you,” he said, kneeling next to me with the condom in his hand.
“But first, will you put it in your mouth, please…” He was practically begging.
And I did. I took him in my mouth, making him quiver.
I tasted him, and my mind…dammit, why did my mind do this to me?
How could I be comparing the two of them?
But I was. I won’t tell you who was longer, or thicker, just that they had both been gifted with good genes—the Di Bianco brothers were well-endowed…
I’d never minded giving blow jobs. It’s not like I had a lot of practice, but I’d gone down on Danny more than a few times and, well, it was something I felt comfortable doing. I liked feeling in control, like I could pleasure someone with my lips.
“Jesus, Kami,” Taylor said, tipping his head back as he sighed from pleasure. I could have kept going until he came, but he stopped me and stared at me with his eyes full of lust.
“You put it on me,” he said, handing me the condom.
I did it carefully, remembering how they’d taught us in Sex Ed, pinching the tip as I rolled it all the way down, being careful not to tear it with my fingernails.
Taylor sighed, and I could feel my insides trembling as I anticipated having him inside me.
He got on top of me and kissed my neck, my breasts, my face, my ears.
I could feel the tip of his penis graze my labia, and I parted my legs to let him in.
I’d thought I’d be nervous, but no: my body was relaxed, ready to savor every kiss and caress.