Chapter 17
Sebastian
Thanksgiving came and went, and it was mid-December.
Jackson and I hadn’t talked about Thanksgiving, the person he was seeing, the hotel room, or anything really and I knew we should’ve.
It was driving me absolutely crazy that he was seeing someone but wouldn’t share anything about it.
The other thing that made me crazy was he was always home.
That is, when he wasn’t at work. When did he have time to see said person?
One night, I waited after work like normal, to take Jackson home, but he never came out to the car. Finally, I went back inside to find him on the phone. When he got off, I asked, “Are you coming?”
He said, “Oh, I’ll catch the bus home later. No worries. You go ahead.”
He’d catch the bus home. Why? “Do you need a ride somewhere?”
He shook his head, “No, that’s ok. Have a good night, Mr. Moore.” He looked around, probably wondering if anyone was left in the building.
“Ookay, Mr. Hall.” I rolled my eyes. “Who is picking you up?”
Jackson laughed and said, “Sebastian, I’m catching the city bus downtown. It’ fine. You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be home later.”
At that point, he was pissing me off. That’s fine, I remember thinking. “Goodnight, Jackson.” I turned and left the building and like the psycho I am because everything about Jackson makes me crazy, I pulled over at a cross street and waited where I could see the bus stop.
Jackson came out and walked to the stop. The bus arrived and he got on. When it took off, I pulled out behind it and followed him. I didn’t understand why he was being so secretive about everything.
Winter was the worst. It was already dark out and I didn’t like that he was going somewhere and being so damn secretive. I also knew I was being completely irritational because Jackson was an adult and he and I were nothing but colleagues and roommates. I had no one to blame for that but myself.
The bus pulled over at a little coffee shop I personally hadn’t been to before, Brewed Chapters.
It turns out it was also a bookstore. Jackson went inside and I could see him because the store had these vertical bay windows.
He went to the counter, laughed at whatever the guy serving him said, and continued talking.
Was that the person he was seeing? Every guy Jackson spoke to made me think he was seeing them.
I was completely losing my mind. Then I did the most irrational thing of all. I parked and went inside.
I watched as the guy behind the counter handed Jackson his coffee.
Jackson smiled at him and just before he walked away, he deposited a tip into the jar on the counter.
Jackson had a long brown coat on that hit just above his thighs.
Since he’d been staying with me, he didn’t carry around his backpack all the time anymore, so he didn’t have anything on him.
He held the coffee and brought it to his lips, taking slow sips in between blowing on it.
What I wouldn’t give to be that coffee cup.
I think the incident in the kitchen on Thanksgiving was my breaking point.
That’s what broke my brain and ruined any common sense I had.
Ever since, I’d been irrationally obsessed with him but like a true ass, I hadn’t acted on anything.
I didn’t act on the dinner he made me a few nights ago, or when I walked past him when he was in a towel because he had just gotten out of the shower and was heading to his room.
I didn’t act, ever. There have been moments, several moments where I wanted to tell him how I was feeling and see if he felt the same.
I was eleven years older than him and somehow, I was the one acting like an immature teenager with zero experience having a crush on a guy.
I was unaware of Jackson’s relationship history.
We never talked about it. The closest thing was learning that he was seeing someone and also meeting his best friend or ex best friend, whatever she was.
I, on the other hand, had experience. I had been in a long-term relationship.
We just didn’t have anything in common after a while.
I had other situationships before then, too.
Jackson and I were opposites though. He was so happy, and I was a fucking grump ninety percent of the time.
We did enjoy the same movies and tv shows, though.
We enjoyed going on walks at night. We did that a few times.
We enjoyed baking together and having coffee in the mornings before leaving for work.
We both loved family. He wished he had a big family because he didn’t have one growing up in foster care.
It’s why he enjoyed Thanksgiving so much and was looking forward to Christmas with everyone.
We both loved the business and had an appreciation for the stories we learned from people.
Jackson always looked for the positive in every situation, softening my outlook on life.
It’s not that my life was horrible, or I had some traumatic past. I grew up in a very loving family.
We were poor, my mom worked hard to make a living for Quinn and me, and so I promised myself that I would do everything to make sure none of us struggled like when we were young.
That’s how Moore & Holbrook Antiques started.
I didn’t want to work for someone else. After working at a corporate job after corporate job and seeing how employers just shit on their employees, and it seemed like the long-term ones were the worst, I vowed not to run a business that way.
When Jackson came along, he was eager and honestly was the perfect fit for what we needed in someone for that position.
At some point, I became an all work and no play person.
Jackson quickly changed that. He was always trying to get me to smile, and I honestly hadn’t realized it until that day in the work kitchen when he told me I never smiled.
He’s the only one besides Quinn who has ever called me out.
It made me think back on all our interactions over the years and Jackson was right.
I rarely smiled, rarely said good morning, and rarely interacted with anyone.
Not until him. I never thought in a million years someone could make me smile the way he has.
He’s burrowed himself deep into my chest and maybe that’s why I’ve got the need to be near him, protect him, know everything about him.
Jackson was perusing the shelves of books.
Each one he touched seemed to fascinate him like he’d never held a book before.
The guy from the counter came up to him and pointed out a book.
You could tell it caught Jackson off guard because he jumped slightly, but then once he realized what the guy was doing, he smiled.
Jackson grabbed the book from him, still beaming.
I felt like some kind of voyeur, but that had to be the guy he was seeing, I told myself.
I was confused and didn’t know what to do in that situation.
“This is one of my favorite books of poetry. I think you’ll like it.” The guy said to Jackson. It was stupid that I was close enough to hear their conversation and not at all scared of getting caught by Jackson. I’d lost my mind.
Jackson flipped through the book and said, “Yes, I know Pablo Neruda well. Sonnet seventeen is one of my favorite poems by him. Have you read it?”
The guy shook his head. “No, but I’ll check it out. I better get back. Someone’s at the counter.”
“Thanks,” Jackson said, and the guy left.
Jackson continued looking through the book, then walked to a different aisle.
I took his place where the Neruda books were.
I found 100 Love Sonnets in paperback and grabbed it off the shelf.
When I saw Jackson go to the back of the store, I went and checked out.
Counter guy said, “Thanks for shopping with us. I was just telling another customer about Pablo Neruda. This is a great book.”
Flatly, I said, “Is it? What’s your favorite poem?”
He stuttered, “Oh…um…well, there’s just so many I like.
” Right . He hadn’t read it but was trying to pass off something love related to Jackson.
Was my mind playing tricks on me? Was I being ridiculous?
Maybe I was, but I could smell shit from a mile away and that guy was covered in it.
“Thanks, hope you shop here again,” he said.
I grabbed the bag, looked back to see Jackson still browsing, then turned and left the store.
Unlike counter guy, I had actually read Sonnet seventeen, and it is a beautiful poem.
It reminded me of Jackson, which was crazy because the poem is all about love and I didn’t love Jackson.
I cared for him, but love… I didn’t love anyone.
At least, I didn’t think I loved anyone.
Stopping by Walgreens on the way home, I grabbed a gift bag and tissue paper to put the book inside and a small card to go with it. I’d been a complete dick to Jackson, and it was time to make up for it. I had to start somewhere, and this seemed like the best way.