Chapter 18
Jackson
After finishing at the bookstore, I caught the bus back home.
Since Thanksgiving had passed, all of the stores were adding holiday lights and I just wanted to be out window shopping.
Sebastian hadn’t even mentioned getting a tree.
I wondered if he held Christmas every year or if Quinn did.
I couldn’t remember the last time I celebrated Christmas.
It was just never a fun time for me so I honestly wouldn’t be too bothered if Mr. Grinch decided he didn’t want to do anything.
I felt weird walking up the steps to the house.
Not horrible or scared or anything, but just weird.
I was tired of things being awkward between Sebastian and me.
It was exhausting and I was over it. When I walked in, the house smelled amazing.
Was he cooking? I wondered. Taking my jacket off, I hung it in the closet and went to the kitchen.
Sebastian was standing over the stove mixing something in a big pot. “Oh, hey Jackson!”
Holy shit he was cheery. It was freaking me out. “Um, hey! What are you making?”
He smiled and nudged his head for me to come closer. “Look. It’s a wintery soup called albondigas. In college, I had a friend who was Mexican, and he made this all winter for all of us. We couldn’t get enough of it.”
Taking a big whiff of it, it smelled amazing. “What’s in it? I’ve never had it.”
“It’s got beef and rice meatballs, tomato broth, rice, and potatoes.
I think it can be made in different ways, but this was how he made his.
You can add lemon pepper to really bring out the flavor in it.
He used to add so much to his bowl.” He laughed and his laugh was hypnotizing.
“You’ve been making dinner all the time, so I thought I would make it.
My way of apologizing for everything that’s happened.
Will you eat dinner with me? I am sorry, Jackson. ”
Wow . I was shocked. Who was I to turn him down. I wanted nothing more than to eat dinner with him like we used to before things got all fucked up. “Yes, I would love to. I can’t believe you did all this.”
“Will you grab some bowls down and get drinks ready?”
I smiled at him and moved to set the table.
It was nice to have a normal relaxed evening like we used to early on when I first started staying with Sebastian.
We had great conversations through dinner about everything from work to the holidays, including finding a Christmas tree.
“Do you want to go look for a tree this weekend? I haven’t done a Christmas tree in years because Quinn usually hosts Christmas, but it could be nice to have one here for us. ”
“Only if you really want to. I was thinking about apartment shopping this weekend.” It was like the entire world went silent when I said it. You could hear a pin drop.
Sebastian set his spoon down and wiped his mouth. “You’re leaving?”
“Well, not tomorrow but that was always the goal, right?” I set my spoon down too and leaned back in my chair staring at him.
“Does this have something to do with whoever you’re seeing?”
“What?” He was thinking about my lie. I had to fix that.
“The guy you’re seeing. Is it about him? Is that why you want to leave?” He was visibly upset, and I felt terrible about lying still.
It was time to clear the air. “Okay, Sebastian. I lied.”
He looked at me confused. “Lied about what? I don’t understand.”
“I’m not seeing anyone. You walked in on Quinn asking me if I thought you were seeing someone. So, I lied to cover up the conversation and said I was seeing someone. I’m not though. I just didn’t want to talk about you in front of you.” I wondered how angry he would be.
Sebastian was staring at me and his stare went from confusion to dark and all of a sudden really intense, and then he spoke. “Are you kidding me, Jackson? This whole time? Do you have any idea what my mind has been going through?” He got up from the table and took his bowl to the kitchen sink.
I followed him and said, “Well, to be fair, you haven’t exactly been a ray of fucking sunshine to be around, Sebastian. Despite my best efforts you have literally ignored me at every turn since the hotel.”
He turned around fast and walked toward me making me stumble backwards and suddenly I was pinned between him and the wall.
In the most even toned voice he said, “That doesn’t mean you lie to me.
” The air had suddenly gotten thick, and he was staring at my mouth.
I watched his eyes as they flicked from mine down to my mouth.
“Do you know how hard it’s been to stay away from you?
You were never supposed to happen to me.
And now you want to leave and…” Then he paused.
I let out a deep breath and asked, “and what? Tell me.”
“And I don’t…I don’t…” But he couldn’t say it. He walked away back to the kitchen sink and stood looking out the window. “Dinner was good. Thank you for joining me. I’ll help you look for an apartment if you want help.”
What the fuck? Sebastian was infuriating. “No. No, I don’t need anything from you, Sebastian. I’ll let you know when I’m moving out, but it’ll be as soon as possible.” That sounded harsh but I was angry. I turned and went upstairs. He could clean up his own kitchen.
*
The next day, I went out to look at apartments.
Each one I looked at was a bust. With one more to go, I was really hopeful.
It was near Brewed Chapters, the coffee shop and bookstore I like.
The apartment was also right along the city bus line, so it would be easy for me to catch the bus.
I hated looking for a place to live like this, with Sebastian and me at odds.
It didn’t feel right but I couldn’t control how Sebastian acted.
The only thing I could control was how I responded to it and what I wanted to happen.
I wanted my own independence, my own place.
That had always been the goal, and I was finally in a place to make it happen.
I was just about to walk up the stairs of the apartment when I heard someone call my name. “Jackson!”
When I turned, it was Quinn. “Hey Quinny. What are you doing here?”
“Um…I was in the neighborhood visiting a friend and saw you walking. What are you doing around here?” she asked.
“I’ve been apartment hunting all day. This is the last one I’m looking at.” I looked toward the apartment building.
“Wait…you’re moving out? Why?” She looked confused.
Not wanting to get worked up about it again, I tried to act nonchalant, but I knew my face was showing disappointment.
“It’s just time to move on. Sebastian and I had a nice dinner earlier in the week.
I admitted that I lied about seeing someone.
He was upset. He got really close to me but then…
I don’t know, he got scared, I guess. He offered to help me look for a place to live.
” She still looked so confused. “What’s that look about? ”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t want you to move out. I know this. I’m sorry, Jackson. Do you want me to talk to him? I will.”
Shaking my head, I said, “No. It’s ok. Independence has always been the end game for me. I need to know that I can do this, that I don’t need Sebastian but just enjoyed his company. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I get it. I just wish you weren’t leaving though.”
“I’m still here, Quinn. Look at the place I’m looking at. Clearly, you and I will run into each other. You were visiting a friend, you said?”
“Yep. Just a friend.” She smiled weird.
I laughed, “Right! Tell me about him someday, okay?”
“Shut up. I gotta go. Good luck with the apartment hunt! Keep me posted.” She hugged me and then took off toward her car.
Once inside, I could see that the apartment was the perfect size, just for me. It wasn’t Sebastian’s home, that’s for sure, but I didn’t need a space like that.
The landlord said, “What do you think? I take care of most of the facilities. You pay for electricity. I take care of shoveling in the winter, garbage, and water. I want a good renter, and you seem like one. So, if you want to split the deposit for half now and half later, I’m fine with that.”
My eyes went wide. “Really? Because that would be really helpful. I have a great job that I’ve been at for years, just getting back on my feet after some setbacks is all.”
He nodded, “No problem at all. When can you pay the first month’s rent and half the deposit?”
I told him I could pay immediately, so I did.
He gave me my set of keys as I signed all the papers and then he left.
Standing in the middle of my new living room, with no furniture or anything, I smiled, feeling like I finally did it.
Then my mind went to Sebastian. Blowing out a breath, I prepared myself for that conversation.
Locking up, I walked to the bus stop to catch it back home.
Home. It wasn’t my home though, and that’s why I needed to move out.